The Toilet Decides: My New Co-worker

Work makes me depressed. Chronic indecision can be a symptom of depression. Thus, for me, the importance of making decisions about work falls somewhere between having a conversation with a particularly nihilistic postal worker, and those numbers in the corner of your driver’s license, and is something I generally loathe. No matter what I choose, the result will almost certainly be shit. This is where you come in. Your single click can change my life. Through the power of the Toilet ov Hell community my fate will be chosen. My tomb, sealed.

Today I’m asking for your valued opinion, by means of a simple vote, to determine who I should appoint as my offsider at work. The ramifications of this poll are as real as the pain of existence. Before I go through the three candidates and ask for your decision, I will preface with a brief description of what my job entails.

My job predominantly involves working in small crews, typically just one other person. From the moment I get to the depot, we find out where we’re going and drive a truck/ute/gondola to the job site. As some of these jobs are up to two or more hours away, this ends up becoming a lot of time spent in a vehicle with someone I’d rather not be isolated with, had I a choice in the matter. I’m sure they feel the same. The music on these drives becomes a focal point of your time. Once on site, the job doesn’t exactly require your synapses to fire at blistering speeds like the double-bass of an infernal black metal drummer; I’ve seen quite a few come and go whose minds clearly operate at a pace more akin to funeral doom. Nevertheless, having someone who can at least spell the word “belt” (*) is always a bonus.

The company performs property maintenance, which covers a surprisingly large variety of tasks. My role is primarily Native Bushland Regeneration, i.e. – cutting down noxious/introduced species of tree/plant and replanting with endemic species. It’s a job that only seems important to scientists/ecologists, “Greenies,” and certain hippy sects. So, nobody with money. We also do a bunch of landscaping work and other mundane shit. The work is quite physical, and if you’re paired up with someone who is lazy, you end up picking up the slack, along with a variety of rage induced aneurysm-like brain issues. If the job doesn’t get completed, the blame falls squarely on me. Having a good working relationship with the co-worker can make all the difference to both my mental and physical health. Therefore, I will be using only the most pertinent parameters, upon which you will base your final decision.

The Candidates

#1 – “Silent Bob”

Age: About 40 (around a decade older than me).

Skill/Aptitude: He has worked in this industry previously and is quite skilled in almost every area required. I don’t have to show him how to do much and can trust that he’ll do an adequate job most of the time.

Music Taste: On his first day with me, a Metallica song came on the radio, and he mentioned he’d seen a cover performed by some kids on YouTube that he described as “awesome.” So when I followed this up and asked what music he was into, he responded with “I don’t really listen to music.” He may as well be dead.

Intellect & Demeanour:  He’s no dummy and can hold a conversation. He knows our job sucks and is comparably grumpy to me most of the time.

Summary: While he may be skilled, he doesn’t work very hard. He may do a decent job, but takes his time. Possibly a dishonest type that will try and get away with anything he can. Not a bad dude, but the music thing really sours things. I mean fuck, if you listen to ABBA/Kid Rock/Power Metal, just come out and say it!


#2 – “The Disposable Hero”

Age: 18 (mental age possibly lower).

Skill/Aptitude: Moderate. He says he’s done this type of work before and knows what he’s doing, but the results so far are questionable. Can run the equipment but has already broken some of it.

Musical Taste: Often has one ear-bud in listening to something. The other day I could hear “MASTER! MASTER! Where’s the dreams that I’ve been after?” coming from his free ear-bud. Potential redeeming feature?

Intellect & Demeanour: A fool. Yes, he’s young but he’s docile as fuck. My few attempts to strike a conversation with him have proved futile. He wants to talk about things but essentially has no idea how to do it. I don’t have the patience to try anymore.

Summary: He’s pretty clueless about basically everything, which while frustrating, could be a good thing as while he’s still young it might be easier to somehow mould him into a decent worker.


#3 Slim Shady

Age: Around my age.

Skill/Aptitude: Previously worked in a bar and has little to no experience in the field. Willing to learn and asks questions.

Musical Taste: My work phone rang while he was in the truck and I was finishing a job. Upon my return he said “I think your phone rang before,” to which I quizzically replied “Oh?”, which he followed with “I think so, I heard some heavy rock playing.” My ringtone is the track posted below. Heavy rock. My fears were realised the next day when he was working with his phone playing music from his pocket. Eminem. Then the day later, Eminem. The day after that, Eminem… but louder.

Intellect & Demeanour: He’s no genius but clearly not an idiot either. Even though our interests are quite disparate we have already had some funny conversations regardless. He has an easy-going nature and seems like he’s honest.

Summary: Barring his inexperience, he seems like a great fit, but will the real Slim Shady stand up?

Above – “Heavy rock”.

So, I’m leaving it up to you fine people to decide, as I don’t want to. Who would you choose in this situation? Whichever candidate gets the most votes will have the displeasure of working with me until either one of us commits sudoku.

Who would you pick?
Does music play a pivotal role in your time at work? I know some of you can listen freely, but I’m sure there are a bunch of you who have stricter workplace rules. Have you ever had to go to extreme lengths to sneak in a listen to a new track/album? Let’s hear about them below in the comments. I know Dr Dagon has just begun performing autopsies, and he is forbidden from even playing a little Mental Funeral, the injustice!

* = Seriously, a guy at work whose role includes writing out a daily job activity report had a disagreement with 2 other workers on how to spell “belt.” “Nah, it has an ‘e’ at the end”… Fuck.

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Written by:

Published on: May 23, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Opinion

Views: 791

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  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    you live dangerously lizard

    • Lacertilian


  • I vote Silent Bob. Working with someone older is a good way to soak up experiences/information.


    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      Props for showing some elder respect GL, its pretty slim round these here parts!

    • RJA

      I suppose it depends on many factors, but I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with you here. If you work in an industry where there is a lot to learn maybe, but if you can learn the skill/job relatively quickly, the older person will just annoy you in the end.

      • I anticipated this response. I agree, it does depend. But, in either case, I tend to like older people better.

        • RJA

          That’s a tough one – do I prefer older or younger people? Well, I really enjoy my kids and my grandparents – everyone in the middle sucks most of the time!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            THIS, I can get behind this!

      • if an older person gets hired AND is open to new methods, you’ve got a winner there

  • take Slim Shady. we have a detroit wigger we picked up last year and hes turned out to be one of our best guys. doesnt sound like he will have the issues the others do

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      I’m torn between Kevin Smith and Eminem.

      • always better to have someone whos willing to learn than someone who thinks they know everything already

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          You make a good point.

          I can’t just cast my vote lightly all willy nilly.

          • then again, you and i are one of the handful around here who like some hiphop (not necessarily eminem)

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            His older records were some of my favorite records when they were released. Later career had some moments, but I couldn’t ever get down with Recovery and I thought the MMLP2 was just soulless garbage.

          • Nowadays I can really only get down with Bad Meets Evil

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            I don’t ever listen to his music anymore but those old records do hold a special spot for me. I remember waking up one of my roommates when I was like 18 because I’d be up literally all night and be jamming the MMLP and he’d pound on the walls, lol

  • Stockhausen

    Go with Slim Shady. Eminem is terrible, but a guy who’ll presumably learn the ropes and can hold a conversation will go a long way for your sanity. Plus, maybe you can get him into Death Grips, then eventually win him over into all the screamy stuff.
    Now that I’ve given my advice, I’m going to listen Sinmara, my favorite heavy rock band.

    • apparently, heavy rock >>>>>>>> again

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      Sinmara is your favorite screamo band?

      • Stockhausen

        Psh no I go for the really heavy stuff like Disturbed and Korn.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          Ever listen to Nickelback? Heavy.

          • That fruit was so low, it was virtually dragging the ground.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus™

            The trick is to pick it back up.

          • sounds shady, ND.

          • BobLoblaw

            Definitely a pineapple.

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted. In one moment. Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

  • EsusMoose

    Slim> silent> disposable

    • Stockhausen

      Slim, silent, disposable:
      That’s the Playtex promise.

      • Saved.

        • Stockhausen

          Disqus was whacked out with that one. I posted it as a reply, and it put it up as a new comment. I had to damage control all over the place.

          • EsusMoose

            Yeah I didn’t know if you double posted or if it was messed up like an earlier article today where all my replies were indented as a new comments

  • I vote for Lizard-bro. Fuck those hosers.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Vote WAYNECRO!

  • Anyways, I can listen to music for pretty much all of the 8 hours I’m here at work. That is unless meetings and such don’t get in the way. It’s pretty chill at my work place.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      I occasionally sneak in records during work when the house I work at is quiet.

      • Dubs

        It’s usually just Swans, though.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus™

          Occasionally Psychic Teens and Oxbow! I have also listened to Ulver at work lately, other stuff too.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      my headphones do not leave my head even when I’m pitching on the phone or on conference calls

    • Yup, I agree with this.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      Having to listen to music for 8 hours a day almost made me get bored of metal in my dhitty factory job. Almost. Turned out I just needed more of it.

  • Disposable Hero sounds like a total fuck up who will ruin everything. Voted for him.

    • Ayreonaut

      My thoughts too

    • Maik Beninton™

      He’s quite like me.

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Choose the dimwit. You’ll go insane faster and have to work for fewer years than otherwise.

  • Dubs

    I went with the mute. Sometimes not having to talk to anyone is a gift.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      Back when I was fulfilling my civilian service at a hospital, I was taught by patient that the best gift in life is a good morning shit (note that this patient had sat over 7 hours on the toilet taking a morning shit one time, he was slightly demented).

      • Dubs

        That’s some sound advice.

  • Guppusmaximus

    I voted for Slim Shady. Maybe one day you two can:

    1. Start a Rap Metal Band
    2. Release an Album
    3. ??
    4. Make all kinds of cash!

    • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

      Get Thee Hence!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I’d go with Slim Shady. Someone who breaks stuff or is lazy is likely to cost you too much in stress.

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Slim shady…especially if he’s really into Eminem. someone who’s passionate about shitty music is an easier convert than someone who has musical apathy. Also universal rule for 18 yr old boy is that 18 yr old boys MUST get dumber before they get smarter.

  • Treebeard, Father of Fangorn

    This land known as Poland…. throoooooooooooooommmmmm. Their songs are well crafted.

    The moot has decided that Slim Shady will be the one to stand beside you on your journeys.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Oh wise and all-knowing Treebeard, your opinion is mighty and your knowledge deep. Walk wisely, friend.

  • KozmoNaut

    Definitely Slim Shady. You’re going to be working together, you’re not going to be friends who go to concerts and listen to obscure Polish black metal tapes together.

    Perhaps you’ll even learn to appreciate each other’s off-work interests. You may not share the same taste in music, but it’s more than likely that you can agree on a lot of other things.

  • Lacertilian

    Thanks everyone!
    Looks like I’ll be [insert witty/cringey Eminem reference/pun/failure here] now.

  • “I heard your phone making speed metal.”
    -Marshall Mathers

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Working in either active heavy industrial construction sites or in heavy industrial operating facilities, any type of music outside of the office trailer is a no-go. Usually things are going a thousand miles a minute even in the office so listening to music there isn’t an option either.

    • Lacertilian

      Some places are lenient and let you use some of those ear muffs with the speakers built into them. I bought a set a few years back and they’re not too bad, depending on how loud the equipment is. No good if you’re expected to communicate with others over the machinery noise though.

  • Super Nintendo Chalmers

    Also let me know when the young kid gets inevitably bitten/struck/mauled/eaten alive by just being outside and exposed to the various Australian fauna.

  • Waynecro

    This is a tough call. Initially, I was going to vote for Silent Bob because I hate young people and value experience; however, the combination of dishonesty and laziness could be highly detrimental–especially if Silent Bob has spent years perfecting the art of getting out of work and escaping blame for fuck ups. I had to vote for Slim Shady. Slim Shady’s moderate intelligence, honesty, willingness to learn and ask questions, and easygoing nature should enable the formation of a functional, potentially positive work relationship. Plus, his referring to your ringtone as “heavy rock,” though somewhat of a misnomer, isn’t that bad. Most coworkers I’ve had have referred to my metal ringtones as “noise” or something similar.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      WAYNECRO values the hardworking honest people of America. A vote for WAYNECRO is a vote for the people!


  • Max

    Like nearly everybody else I voted for Eminem, for the same reasons – but also because it sounds like he’s the one you’ll stand the most chance of converting to metal during those commutes, however slim it might be (it’d probably help if he was a bit younger than 30, but whatever).

    As my job is working in audio, “choosing the music” basically comes down to whether or not I’m the one operating the PA (usually I’m not). When I am, however, I have noticed that my Judas Priest mixtape, my synthwave mixtape, and my “general pop” mixtape (which features everything from New Order to Mastodon but has an ’80s bias) seem to find favour with just about anybody. Archspire and Slayer don’t do so well, unfortunately. But I can categorically state that whatever I play beats the crap out of Steely Dan, which the audio fraternity has an inordinate fondness for.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    I’m voting WAYNECRO!

  • Eliza

    I say you should choose the one you work best with. I’d go for Silent Bob because I don’t particularly like talking to people face to face.

  • The_Dude

    If I see that a new tracks out while at work I just tell everyone I have to take a shit, and then BAM get to check the sweet new track and also getting paid to do the business on company time. It’s a win win.

  • Crab Nicholson

    Silent Bob sounds coolest on a day-to-day relating to him level and the most amendable to having some Mgla on for the drive. No contest here.