The Road to the Pooper Bowl

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The NFL is disgusting. Did you know that the National Football League, a $9.5 BILLION dollar a year behemoth of a business, is classified as a non-profit? It is exempt from federal taxes. Each October the NFL runs a massive breast cancer awareness initiative in which they raise millions of dollars and keep most of it for themselves. Team owners are odious Mr. Burns-esque caricatures or drunken fools hellbent on destroying on-field performance while becoming ever richer. The game is violent by design; young men sacrifice their future mental and physical health to play the game. Due to our absurd national obsession with athletics, many of these young men are awful people whose crimes are ignored wholesale. And don’t even get me started on the fans, have you ever met a sober Steelers fan?

That being said, I will follow this season with breathless enthusiasm. Why?

Professional football provides moments of pure athletic elation rarely seen in other sports. Getting lost in a close game and watching a monster of a man shred through the competition to the delight of his fans and bitter resentment of the opposition is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else. How absolutely fucking amped was the entirety of Cincinnati when this happened?!

The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. The accumulation of fantasy football points and subsequent email shit-talking. The, uh, hypothetical gambling implications. It’s all here for just a few weeks each year. I plan to enjoy it, corporate overlords be damned. I hope you’ll join me.

 


When we last left the NFL (I don’t care about pre-season football and you shouldn’t either), the Seattle Seahawks stomped a mudhole in the previously dominant Denver Broncos to claim the championship. Since then rosters have changed, heroes have retired, wife-beaters were handed light slaps on the wrist, and Wes Welker was massively punished for hilariously doing drugs. The regular season starts TONIGHT. Let’s take a look at the things that matter.

Best Game of the Week:

Tonight you can watch the championship-winning Seattle Seahawks take on perennial favorites the Green Bay Packers. The Seattle offense and defense are both outstanding but don’t put out the offensive abilities of Green Bay. Count on Aaron “Discount Double Check” Rodgers to put up big numbers tonight. Also, it’s the first game of the season. Get HYPED.

Worst Game of the Week:

Panthers Vs. Bucs. Why would you watch this game? If you lose your remote control and end up with this stuck on your television let me know how it goes.

Baseless Predictions of the Week:

The Houston Texans will come out in full force from their god-awful previous season and bury Washington this week.

Also, I’m picking the 49ers to win the whole thing this year. I look forward to recalling how wrong I am in a few weeks.

Worst Person on the Field:

Tough call this early in the season! This week I choose Ndumakong Suh, one of the dirtiest players in the league. 

Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:

If I were some kind of degenerate gambler I would take the Seahawks at -6, Kansas City at -4, and the Chargers at +3. Possibly as a parlay if I was feeling particularly saucy. Not that I know anything about this though.

Fantasy Football Update:

The Toilet ov Hell league begins! One competitor will achieve victory and gain a golden toilet trophy. One LOSER will be brutally mocked in the pages of this site. Who will it be?!?!

I am ready for some football.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • ATTENTION SPORTS FANS: Joe intends for this to be an open thread during tonight’s game so you all can sports together. Please serve the toilet by upvoting this.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Can Michael Sam participate is said buttock spanking?

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      I just want to say thank you. As a fan of NFL, NBA, and NHL this will be fun. As a Cowboy fan I am looking forward to a long miserable season. Here we go 8-8 and we still win the division.

      • W.

        As a Texan who hates the Cowboys, I too look forward to the Cowboys having a long, miserable season 😉

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Damn it George!

          • W.

            Sorry, mate. I’m a Broncos fan, so watching my team absolutely choke against Seattle was awful.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Everyone is picking you guys to ein it all this year so have fun.

          • W.

            We’ll choke somehow. That’s all we’ve done since Elway retired.

          • At least you guys have a decent qb. We are stuck with an interception throwing concussion magnet.

          • Ferris Mueller

            Cutler? He’s never had a decent offensive line. With protection he’d be a perennial probowler.

          • I keep telling myself that but idk.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Have faith in Payton.

          • W.

            I want to believe!

          • Ferris Mueller

            I’m starting your Emmanuel Sanders over Kelvin Benjamin; waddaya think, is he a keeper?

          • W.

            Yes!

      • Ferris Mueller

        It’s so hard being a Chiefs fan. We haven’t won a playoff game since I started watching football in the early 90s. We should have won that one in 93′ when it was Joe Montana VS Dan Marino and we had 2sec left on the clock to kick a FG… but no instant replay back then and time expired. Fuck, I don’t expect to win it all; just one playoff game is all I ask!

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          As a Cowboy fan I have to be hesitant since Reid is your coach. He makes as many bonehead calls as my couch.

          • Ferris Mueller

            He’s way to conservative and our QB Alex Smith is a checkdown machine. Yeah we had a nice streak when our opponents were had records around .350 but the NFL is a passing league now! At least try to put up some F’n points! Your Cowboys will be just fine; all the tools are there if Romo can stay off his back.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            But it Defence. We had the worst defence in the history of the NFL last year and that was before we list our best players to injury, free agency, and suspension. I hate to do this but Reid was an innovator when he had McNab. He will draft well for you guys so your time is coming.

        • Are you from KC?

          • Ferris Mueller

            No way, never even been there. Chiefs were the first pro game I watched, VS the Raiders. There was a huge scrum on the sidelines for a fumble then all the players started fighting. Chiefs bench emptied and all piled on. Since then I was a diehard chiefs fan. Plus Joe Montana played there. I think it was the year he was traded to KC. Eh, good of reason as any I guess.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          You think that’s hard? Try being a Jaguars fan and then tell me about how hard being a fan is.

      • As a Cowboys fan, I predict this is the season they drop below 8-8
        : (

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          That will be good because then we will get the chance to fix the d. But Romo is good enough to keep us 8-8.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Michael Sam likes the D

          • more beer

            No he`s not!!!

  • deadspin.com/toiletovhell

  • Tyree
    • Sweet gfx, brah. We all owe you some natty for your superior phertersherp skillz.

      • Tyree

        Beer Water, fucking nooooice brah!

    • get ready for the post-game commentary!

      • crazytaco_12

        Hahaha, that was awesome. I really see no point for any commentary from players and whatnot, it really is just the same shit repeated over and over. Just to fill up time.

  • CHIEEEFFFFFSSSS

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      My best real friend is a big Chiefs fan all the way from Philly MO!

      • what’s Philly MO? i live in MO, i don’t know a Philly.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Its a village in NE MO. Philadelphia MO. Its around Hannibal.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          You live in St. Lou right?

          • yup… home of some pretty metal race riots!

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hahaha. I thought I’d remembered correctly. Ever been up this way?

          • are you a Missouri-inite too? i just thought that was your friend from philly MO.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            No, Quincy in west central IL on the river.

          • okay, i know where that is. i can’t remember going through Quincy, but i won’t rule it out. i think this makes you the closest flusher to st. louis!

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I didn’t know if you ever been up to Hanibal for the Mark Twain stuff. Youre not mising much up here in Q-town. I have been to many a show down there though.

          • that’s a healthy commute! especially if you like the sauce. what are some recent shows you’ve been to?

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            The Atlas Moth (couldn’t stay for the whole thing) I don’t get to go to many any more being a parent in all but I couldn’t pass up the Moth.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I am still kicking myself for not seeing A Storm of Light with Tombs 3 years ago and St Vitus a few months ago.

          • never heard of Storm of Light. jamming in progress (it’s good!)

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I’m glad you like them. They are one of my favorites. Their CD Valley of Death has Kim from Soundgarden on there and I always recomnd Primitive North. He was in Battle of Mice and Red Sparrows.

    • Ferris Mueller

      Let’s go Muthafuckin Chiefs!!

  • Fuck yea football! Also holy shit I had no idea they were exempt.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      There are a couple of petitions you could sign asking to fix that.

    • right up there with westboro baptist church!

    • Howard Dean

      The “NFL is exempt omg” is a little misleading, to be honest. As I understand it, the NFL itself (that is, the governing body) is tax-exempt, as are many other governing bodies of larger organizations. However, each individual team is its own private entity (which is decidedly “for profit”), and is taxed by the IRS as any other entity of their type (likely a large LLC or a corporation with shareholders). The shareholders and partners in these teams will receive a K-1 or 1099 for their share of the profits and will be taxed accordingly (likely in the highest tax bracket at 39%). Some of these teams likely show far less of a net profit than what one would imagine, as, like other business entities, they are able to expense a shitload as long as they have adequate records (ex. player and support staff salaries, property taxes, insurance expenses, depreciation and amortization, etc)

  • W.

    I’m proclaiming now that in Week 1 my Peter Steelers are going to trounce Papa Joe’s team into the mud. Trounce I tell you!

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      you might wanna go ahead and put Brian Hartline in and bench Wes Welker

      • W.

        Yah, I need to.

    • Tyree

      There is a ton of Steeler fans where I live. They are fucking every where!

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        they live just a second mile away?

      • W.

        I’m not a Steelers fan. Just thought the name was funny.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        My uncle is a gigantic Steelers and Pirates fan as he is from Pittsburgh. I’m going to have to wear one of my football jerseys. I’m thinking either the Peyton Manning one or the one of my favorite QB ever Tim Tebow. I’ll probably pick the one of Peyton.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        They all smell bad to.

    • PSHHHH

    • more like Cock of Steele, amirite?

  • Da Bears!

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    Unfortunately, Aaron Rodgers will NOT be putting up big numbers tonight for two important reasons:

    1.) Playing against #1 ranked defense in Seattle.
    2.) The ball will be snapped to him by a Center who has never snapped a single down in a regulation game with Rogers. The virgin jitters, plus playing the leagues loudest stadium in the NFL = nothing good.

    Good Luck!

    • Yea I feel for anyone who has to play them in that stadium. Can’t even hear yourself think probably.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        17-14 Seattle wins

        • We’ll have to see it play out!

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Either way this is gonna be a great game.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I’m lucky that I have Marshawn Lynch yet it is inconvenient that I have the Green Bay kicker. Also, do you know which channel the Seattle-Green Bay game is on so I can keep track of my star player Marshawn Lynch?

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        probably NFL Network. I believe they carry the Thursday games.

        EDIT: NBC is carrying this one.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        Sorry NBC

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Excellent. I have to keep track of all my players so that I can see what points they get. Also, I just noticed the third WR spot was changed which was excellent. Because of that I can use my RB army of Marshawn Lynch, Danny Woodhead of the Chargers and Stevan Ridley of the Patriots.

  • SMOHLG

    huck ’em, chuck ’em, FOOTBALL!

  • Xan

    I have no opinion on this subject as I don’t watch sports so I will leave you with some music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGMq4i6q55Y

    • Man must die is the shit, they will be making an appearance next Thursday.

      • W.

        The album from last year was so very good.

        • Indeed it was. Did u hear the new song they posted on fb a while back?

  • Randall Thor

    “Panthers Vs. Bucs.” Wow, my favorite team and my home team and you think it’s the worst game this week? I don’t really watch football, but I will find the village you reside in and raze it to the ground, cackling as the peasants scurry from their flaming hovels and slaying them one by one until I find you.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    I have a good feeling about this season as I have assembled a team of champions from teams such as Indianapolis, Seattle, San Diego, New England, Pittsburgh, Arizona and the defense of Carolina and the kicker of Green Bay.

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      I know you didn’t intend this to be funny in any way, but it’s just such an odd thing to say so I love it.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I have high hopes for my team, especially because I have Marshawn Lynch.

        • Hey, I can’t remember, do you have marshawn lynch?

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            Of course, who else would be on a team of champions?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yes I do. My team is the one called Your Hopes In Flames.

  • Tyree
    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      in good time Milan Lucic will be pummeling posers…..

      • Tyree

        Dude is a beast!

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Unless it’s Colton Orr or someone who could beat him. I don’t like that brutish troglodyte.

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          I would like to see a Lucic / Thornton fight when the B’s play the Panthers

          • Tyree

            That would be epic. I hope this happens.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            I don’t understand why people would waste roster space on Thornton in the current state of the game. You need depth, not some guy whose greatest skill is fighting. Lucic can at least put solid points up. It’s like the Flames employing Kevin Westgarth, or that Twitter dude from the Coyotes.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            I think that the Panthers have a hard time attracting talent.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Why? I’d love to live in Quebec City. Oh, wait, lol. You’re right though. If I’m an NHLer looking for a market to make my home, unless I’m a nobody, Florida is not on my list.

            They draft a good amount of it; Huberdeau, Gudbranson, Barkov, Bjugstad, etc…

      • JWG

        Remember that year Boston won the Cup and Vancouverites reacted with total class (what riot?)

        I was stuck in the odd situation during the finals of either rooting for the ‘home’ team like I was told to, or being (fortunately only metaphorically) tarred and feathered for supporting the two BC boys I used to follow in their major-junior careers. Privately Lucic was my guy, publicly I let on otherwise.

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          You’re talking about Recchi, right?

          • JWG

            I was. He retired from play that year if I recall, but near two decades playing in the NHL isn’t too shabby at all.

            When I was a kid I totally wanted to be a hockey star even though neither of my parents were very sporty (my dad is vehemently opposed to organized sport in fact). So I played street hockey with friends and watched a lot of WHL games on our ancient antenna TV instead.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Nice dude! Recchi was a class act player.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I love hockey too being Canadian and all but I love football just a little more. My favorite team is the Devils and my second favorite is the Sharks.

      • Tyree

        Martin Brodeur is the best hockey goalie ever.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I agree. He’s my favorite Devils player ever. It’s a shame he’s not with the Devils anymore. It’s even worse that the Devils are going to be obliterated this season.

        • Mother Shabubu III

          Fun fact: Jonathan Quick only needs one more cup to tie the amount Brodeur has won. Not saying he is the best hockey goalie ever, but damn, that’s impressive. With the team the Kings have it will no doubt be very soon again.

          • Tyree

            Right!? As a former goalie in school I really looked up to Brodeur. I studied his playing style for years.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Growing up I too liked the legendary trio of the time (Roy, Hasek, Brodeur). I loved Potvin too, and would route for whatever team he played for. After he left the Kings I was sad because I liked the team, so I just stuck with the Kings. I’m a Habs and Kings fan since the two conferences are like two different leagues at this point in terms of playing style. I’ve been a Habs fan longer.

            I’m a huge Bernier fan. I use his curve on my stick, used it tape it the same way. I was so sad when Quick earned the job over him. Now I feel conflicted with him on the Leafs.

          • Tyree

            Have you ever used the Yzerman curve? That thing looked illegal.

            Ed Belfour is another favorite of mine. The dude is fucking crazy too.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            I used Lindstrom’s when I skate as a forward. That thing was mean. I use the E28 curve now. Same one Doughty uses. It’s Lightning’s prospect Adam Erne’s Ribcore stick. I’m a gear nerd, lol.

            I saw Belfour’s kid play with Nebraska-Omaha a few years ago on TV. Not trying to knock the kid, but he is no where near the talent level of his pops. Didn’t Belfour beat his wife or something?

          • Tyree

            Hmmm, I don’t know about Belfour beating his wife.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            I guess it was assault and resisting arrest when he was in Dallas. He was cheating on his wife when this happen, my mistake.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            that was Roy and Varlamov
            Two birds of a feather out there in Denver

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Explains Varly’s outlandish, Finnish-inspired glove positioning; keeping the pimp hand strong.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            That is imaginary

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            I played in a mens league last year at Avon….was cool to think I got to skate on the same ice as Quick.

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Since the renovations Avon is a nice rink. I used to play there along when I was younger. Played one of my best games there when I was Midget aged.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Midget was like 10 or 11 yrs old for you right?

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Midget is ages 15-18 I believe. I started ice hockey when I was 11. Played a bit of tier 3 juniors before a series of DiPietro-style injuries kept me off the ice from October to January in my last year of eligibility.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Uh. It was a.ittlw diff where I played that age, we had a high school team. But way cool we skated the same ice

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          the one who had his head cut off by a skate, picked it up off the ice, and skated to the bench is the most metal

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
          • Tyree

            You had to do it. Fuck me, this will always be so hard to watch!

          • Thought he was dead when I saw this.

          • Tyree

            I love how the video calls this a neck injury. More like near death experience!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            The announcer sounds like Gene Okerlund. Also I have no clue how that man survived that.

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          I still haven’t recovered from him sweeping the Wings.

        • I might go with Patrick Roy, but it’s definitely close!

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Who’s your football team. If you say Jets we will be fine but if you say Giants, Eagles, Skins,or Packers we will be bitter enemies.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          My team is the Jaguars. I love the Jaguars so much.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            WTF? Why?

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I’m sorry Buddy. I have never meet a Jaguar fan before. You must be imaginary.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            No really, I am a Jaguars fan. They are my favorites and I see them going all the way this season with Blake Bortles.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hahahaha.

          • Lol the browns will go further

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I have no clue how the Browns are still a team as they are absolutely terrible.

          • Flushgod Apocalypse

            .. all the way where?

          • W.

            To the ground!

          • Jormungandr
          • W.

            I was hoping someone would do this.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            To the playoffs silly! They’re going to do so well.

          • Jaguar fans seem to have something in common with Finland…

          • JWG

            Not a CFL team. Your priorities seem slightly out of sync, here.

            I kid, though, really.

            I’m not much for football (gridiron anyhow). But I do enjoy going to BC Lions games when I can, just for the feels.

        • more beer

          Go Giants! Keep telling yourself the Cowboys are Americas team what a joke!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        the saskatchewan roughriders are bigger than the catholic church in my province. Man, i found this on youtube, steve austin has a radio show and the interviews are great especially with vince russo.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2MCu5fh7WQ

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I heard about this. Chris Jericho has one that’s good as well. I like the CFL as there has been some great players who came from there in the NFL.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      Hockey is metal. We literally play on little blades of metal.

      • Bob Nühart

        You also get bladed sticks and helmets and play on a frozen field! It’s like Ragnarok every day in there.

        • a frozen field, is that like a…
          (•_•) / ( •_•)>⌐■-■ / (⌐■_■)

          Cold Lake?

          • JWG

            The struggle not to both down vote and up vote this finally (barely) landed on the latter.

            I appreciate a good pun.

            And a very bad one. Maybe more.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I will only say this once to explain my absence from these threads in the future. CONAN hates organized sports of any kind except Worlds strongest man and womens volleyball.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Bummer bro. Agree w. Volleyball shorts.

          • that’s BS conan, you know you can’t quit us… even when it’s sports!
            (i’m an odd american: i only like soccer, tennis, and hockey)

          • Jormungandr

            I’ve got hockey, rugby, and bull riding.

    • W.

      Hey man, killer graphic!

      • Tyree

        Thanks! it was a 3 beer project.

        • Flushgod Apocalypse

          Yeah dude, love it. I’ve got something up my sleeve for a future post, but it’s childish and nowhere near as metal as yours.

    • crazytaco_12

      I’m stoked, NHL just announced 4 new teams, Seattle’s getting one of them. Yay, a reason to finally watch hockey and waste more of my time and money!

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
        • crazytaco_12

          BITCH!

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Wait, Seattle is getting a hockey team? I’ve heard rumors that they were getting a hockey team and that their stadium was also going to get a basketball team. I’d never thought I see the the day that the Sonics come back to us, the unwashed masses. Yeah baby, Sonics all the way!!!

        • crazytaco_12

          Don’t hold your breath, the Sonics ain’t coming back, and from the looks of it, I’m not so sure we’re getting a hockey team anymore

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      BLACKHAWKS…WELL BE BACK! STAY TUNED!

  • Bob Nühart

    I prefer more genteel athletic contests, where gentlemen of the highest character face each other in an honorable competition of reflexes and wits and willingness to be hit in the head repeatedly.

    Boxing, is what I’m talking about.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I never got into boxing. When it comes to fighting sports I prefer MMA.

      • Bob Nühart

        It is kinda boring on TV. But so is football, in its own way.

    • I’m a boxing fan. The last couple of years have drained most of my enthusiasm for the sport.

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    Anyone know how to get in touch with BallSackers to tell him that his entire team is on the bench?

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      The 138 team is also all benched as well.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Hahaha. Don’t care about your handegg.

  • Flushgod Apocalypse

    @lamentationsofthewomen:disqus, best of luck to you this week sir! I’m cracking a beer and watching Rodgers march all over the Seahawks tonight.

    • One does not simply march all over the greatest defense of all time.

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Are you referring to the 85 Bears?

        • As a bears fan, this Seahawks d is better.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I hate to argue with a man who tortured his own girlfriend, and execute his boss but I will have to say the 85 Bears and those great Steelers Steel Curtain and Cowboys No Name Ds are better. I understand different eras and stuff but the players and just the pure nastiness of these defences lean me towards them. Is Seattles D even better than San Frans D right now?

          • I read a stat somewhere that said they were the greatest defense of all time. But that was the 2013 seahawks so who knows.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Stay Stat

          • I actually just read another stat. In the last 44 games they have not allowed one 3 touchdown game from any qb.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Tonight is going to make or break your week. Good luck to YOU.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Better hope Corey Linsley remembers to wear his big boy britches.

    • crazytaco_12

      bullshit homie

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Ouch

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      So, how about those Packers? They really knew how to lose to the Seahawks.

  • Leif Bearikson

    THIS IS NOT BASEBALL. WHERE IS BASEBALL. BASEBALL.

    • Baseball is like watching paint dry.

      • Bob Nühart

        And then you get to read the paint-drying stats in the next day’s paper, too.

      • Leif Bearikson

        I’m sorry it isn’t a YouTube video of Archspire

        • I’m stuck with the cubs and the white Sox. Can you really blame me for feeling that way?

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Being a Cub fan can ruin baseball for you. I know living here in Cardinal country.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yankees!!! Also I am so sorry that you have to deal with the Cubs and the White Sox Jack. Those teams are so bad they are like a Greek tragedy.

          • That’s ok, I’m ready to see the bulls kick ass this year. Stoked to have drose back!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I don’t like the NBA as much as I used to. I watched it back from 2007-2010 and my favorite teams were the Bobcats and the Nets.

          • Leif Bearikson

            No. No I cannot.

        • W.

          I’m sorry, Leif, but I’m with Jack. Baseball is about as boring as mom and apple pie.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I agree but I do like apple pie.

          • Leif Bearikson

            This is why I voted for Gore.

          • W.

            Voting is totally lame.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Who needs votes when you have a Supreme Court.

          • W.

            Or Executive Orders.

          • what about mom’s apple pie? (google it, NSFW)

      • Scrimm

        even more boring

    • You’re a Rangers fan, right? That’s why we’re not covering baseball.

      • Leif Bearikson

        Just keep chanting: First Round Draft Pick

      • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

        Ouch.

    • crazytaco_12

      I like baseball but I just can’t really watch it on tv. I always get into it live though. I don’t know, maybe it’s just because I have the Mariners.

  • Ferris Mueller

    Lets go chiefs!

  • KJM
  • Link D. LeonhⒶrt V.

    Just a question: In North America do people like football/soccer?… Or only those three sports? (hockey/basket/’murica football)

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      Nope. Just those three plus baseball. It is starting to get more popular though. Don’t forget about the popularity of NASCAR and golf.

      • Link D. LeonhⒶrt V.

        I forgot Baseball! in fact, all those sports were created in North America, right?

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          Yes, I believe they were.

          • Link D. LeonhⒶrt V.

            Thanks all for the replies.. I do social research and I’m always willing to learn about other countries cultures 🙂

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Any time. This is a fun site.

    • I think it depends on where you live. Where I live, I know dozens of folks who are REALLY into soccer. I don’t get it, personally.

      • crazytaco_12

        When Seattle got the Sounders people lost their fucking shit

    • Stockhausen and i like soccer/football

    • Hockey is the least popular of the four majors (‘murica football, basketball, baseball and hockey) in North America, but I’m pleasantly surprised to see lots of hockey fans here. Hockey is metal! m/

  • Gurp

    MMA is my sports of choice. Kinda mad that the most media attention it’ll be getting for a while will be because of that whole Christy Mack debacle.

    • Scrimm

      I like football But I love MMA too. I miss training.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        There’s a Bellator thing on tonight on Spike with Bobby Lashley and others. Should I watch it?

        • Scrimm

          A live fight is always worth watching.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            It’s on at 8. I might watch it if there’s no good football games on tonight.

      • Gurp

        Ah, you trained? Did you plan on competing?

        • Scrimm

          Just in jiu jitsu really. But when my band reunited I had to pick one, couldn’t afford both. I was also dealing with a terminal family member, just too much going on. The friend I went with trains with Ben Henderson now.

          • Gurp

            That really sucks. I had to give up training too after about a month because my old university hit me with some unpaid bills. But hey, good luck to your buddy training with Bendo!

  • pigchop™

    Fuck run ball – or is it throw ball? Now football – you know – the great sport North Americans call soccer (for some weird reason) rocks!

    Anyways – check this out…pretty cool.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M

    • A friend of mine showing me this video was the first time I ever heard that song, and it’s definitely the most superior version I’ve heard since.

  • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

    Sports? Not relevant to me, I’ll continue getting excited for new exodus. In the meanwhile, this’ll do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYqRoPiQE70

    • crazytaco_12

      I thought this album was really good and I honestly wish they didn’t bring Zetro back. Not as much intensity and is able to make brutal lyrics seem cheesy as fuck. Seriously dude, “Sealed with a Fist”, one of the most laughable bouts of shitty lyrics I’ve ever heard. MOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKERMOTHERFUCKER

      • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

        “class dismissed is my hypothesis”

        • crazytaco_12

          Touche

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      i haven’t listened to exodus since tempo of the damned, i can’t stand dukes tuff guy hollering. I hope zetro does for exodus what joey did for anthrax. I like a front man who isn’t trying to intimidate the audience. I want a good time not some guy hollering in my direction for 2 hours. Hoping for the best music wise. Should blow the new slayer out of the water though. I have little to no doubt about that.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I do admit that Slayer is screwed when it comes to their new album. It might beat Diabolus in Musica as their worst album ever.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I plan on buying the new Exodus album as well.

  • Scrimm

    I’ve been a Vikings fan most of my life, but I am also a Cincinnati native and that flip was awesome. Especially since it came against the only team I hat worse than the Cowboys.

    • Love the Vikings. Fuck Gary Anderson

      • crazytaco_12

        Are we talking about “Mr. Perfect” Gary Anderson? Why fuck him?

        • The 98 NFC championship game that’s why

          • Scrimm

            I don’t even want to think about that. Still stings.

          • Can’t forget the blowout loss to the NY Giants in 00 and Brett Favre throwing across his body for the INT in 09. But it’s still better than having 1 playoff win in the last 20+ years ( Cowboys)

          • Scrimm

            HAHAHA Cowboys. Yeah that blowout was crazy, and the 09 game hurt bad. They should have won that game so many times over.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Don’t remind me of the 09 loss. That was the year I was a Vikings fan because of Favre being there.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Brett Favre is my favorite football player not named Tim Tebow though!

          • crazytaco_12

            Gotcha, that was fucking painful.

    • Isn’t hating the cowboys a waste of energy? I mean romo is gonna fuck up somehow at the end of every game anywyay.

      • Scrimm

        It is but I hate them too much to care. Unless they’re playing the Cardinals. then I suddenly become a fan.

  • crazytaco_12

    Well written Joe! I have an extremely divided love/hate relationship with football as well, glad there are other people who don’t turn their heads to the very ugly side of the NFL. Now, GO HAWKS! Also, predicting the Vikings have a way better season this year, hopefully Cassel sits out a game and Bridgewater plays his way into the starting lineup. Here’s to hoping…

    • I’m REALLY interested to see how the new crop of QBs perform. I’ve got a good feeling about Bridgewater over the others.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        I have a good feeling about him as well. He’s going to do much better than Clowney and especially better than Johnny Manziel.

  • The game starts in 10 minutes! Visiting my parents so I hope I can make out the game on my folks 21 inch CRT.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Chris Collinsworth has a huge head

      • Grande!

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          Plz review AG’s nat anthem rendition.

          • If a toy poodle could develop human vocal chords and memorize a song you would have that anthem.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Perfect

  • KJM

    We are kickers
    We kick ball
    We kick the ball
    We play with ball

  • KJM

    I like to kick
    I like to play
    but please please please
    No Green Bay

  • If I ever stop thinking Ha Ha Clinton-Dix is funny, I will truly be dead inside.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I gotta wonder, how do you call Vince Young a hero of football as you did in above? He was at the level of draft busts like Ryan Leaf, Jamarcus Russell and Vernon Gholston. Don’t know who they are? Look up NFL draft busts and these three show up on every list.

      • It was half a joke, half serious. I went to the University of Texas where he won us a national championship my freshman year. It’s a shame he did so poorly in the NFL.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I feel bad for the man. He was poorly used and Tim Tebow on the Jets got more playtime than he has in the last two years. I like that he did so well in college football but he ended up like Tebow and so many other good college quarterbacks in the NFL as a bust. Also, college football is one of my favorite things to watch.

  • Scrimm

    I take it back I might hate Green Bay the worst.

    • Stupid cheeseheads.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I used to worship Brett Favre like he was the second coming of Jesus Christ but then he retired. I now worship Tebow like he’s the second coming of Brett Favre even though he doesn’t play football anymore. Come back to the NFL Tim, your fans love you! Also a note for the Jaguars, pick up Tebow already. I have a bad feeling about the quarterback who is starting that isn’t Blake Bortles.

    • Site is down homey.

      • I’m looking at it right now though…

        • I see a big ass 501 error.

          • Works for me. Guess your computer is just being an axl?

          • Got it now. TOM BRADY ROOFIED YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE is gold.

          • Hahaha yea, the nfl qb’s on Facebook post is cracking me up

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      The part with the crack pipe was hilarious as well as Peyton’s inability to call molly by its real name.

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    There yo go JJD

  • crazytaco_12

    Halftime right now, and I think the Hawks have it in the bag. No doubt, the game ain’t over yet, but they’re playing pretty confident today. Just my 2 cents.

    • Yup. Rodgers looks pissed already.

    • Also thanks for that band submission!

      • crazytaco_12

        Thanks for posting it!

  • I mentioned it to someone else here, but I heard an insane stat. The seahawks D hasn’t allowed a 3 touchdown game from a quarterback in 44 games.

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    Pick

  • Let it be know I was way wrong on my Rodgers prediction. Let it be known that picking sea -6 was very very right.

  • Leif Bearikson

    You know what would be really metal? If we covered the XFL. Wait? What do you mean that isn’t a thing anymore?

  • God I hate Chris Collinsworth.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I don’t know how he still has his job considering he’s terrible at it. Also, I feel that Manziel, Clowney and most of the draft picks not named Teddy Bridgewater or Blake Bortles are going to be busts.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      his head is enormous

  • Eh, I’m a rugby fan myself. Football moves too damn slow for me most of the time, and they stop every few seconds for something or other. Rugby? 3 minutes each round and they stop for nothing short of a player putting another player in a piledriver.

  • NDNOvHell

    I’m late to the post, but fuck it tho.

    49ers!!!!! I bleed red and gold.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    Love the artwork at the top!

    I have no idea how American football works (i.e. rules), so I’ll just stick to punishing my body with Taekwon-Do training. Best of luck to all your favourite teams though.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    While I am thinking about the season let me just say that my fantasy team is going to annihilate this season. Points wise I’m already beating all the teams except for two if the predictions are right. Also, me and my opponent are very close points wise and I could see my team winning as they are going to do above the predictions. To all the other teams your hopes will soon be In Flames after my team is done running all you other teams over!

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      I admire your optimism

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    Da Bears here! CUTLER SUCKS! We go 9-7 at best…prob more like 500.

    • Scrimm

      Cutler is great… for the other teams in that division.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        What, Andrew Luck is good and Matt Stafford is decent although I agree all the other QBs are terrible.

        • Scrimm

          UUUUUUUUUHHHH.. not what I was saying, And Luck isn’t even in that conference.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I forgot that Luck wasn’t in that conference. I think you’re saying that Cutler is terrible and it’s great that the other teams can be better than the Bears. Is that right?

          • Scrimm

            Well not great cause I don’t hat the Bears, but basically yeah. f he plays bad it’s good for the other teams.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        Ha! Love it and stealing it!

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I only like the 85 Bears. I’m a Jaguars fan because I want to watch a team like them get better and they are going to get better due to good old Blake Bortles.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        Me too! If it wasn’t for Clayton and Duper 85 Bears go undefeated and end the annoying Miami toast at the end of every season! GO JAGS!

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I hope the Jaguars do good enough to get into the playoffs.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            amen!

  • FeelTheDarkness

    Pittsburgh Fucking Stillers!!!!!

  • Lacertilian

    Even Slayer know how tactical & brutal Rugby can be.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djKZDi0GkgM