The Road to the Pooper Bowl
The NFL is disgusting. Did you know that the National Football League, a $9.5 BILLION dollar a year behemoth of a business, is classified as a non-profit? It is exempt from federal taxes. Each October the NFL runs a massive breast cancer awareness initiative in which they raise millions of dollars and keep most of it for themselves. Team owners are odious Mr. Burns-esque caricatures or drunken fools hellbent on destroying on-field performance while becoming ever richer. The game is violent by design; young men sacrifice their future mental and physical health to play the game. Due to our absurd national obsession with athletics, many of these young men are awful people whose crimes are ignored wholesale. And don’t even get me started on the fans, have you ever met a sober Steelers fan?
That being said, I will follow this season with breathless enthusiasm. Why?
Professional football provides moments of pure athletic elation rarely seen in other sports. Getting lost in a close game and watching a monster of a man shred through the competition to the delight of his fans and bitter resentment of the opposition is a joy that cannot be found anywhere else. How absolutely fucking amped was the entirety of Cincinnati when this happened?!
The thrill of victory. The agony of defeat. The accumulation of fantasy football points and subsequent email shit-talking. The, uh, hypothetical gambling implications. It’s all here for just a few weeks each year. I plan to enjoy it, corporate overlords be damned. I hope you’ll join me.
When we last left the NFL (I don’t care about pre-season football and you shouldn’t either), the Seattle Seahawks stomped a mudhole in the previously dominant Denver Broncos to claim the championship. Since then rosters have changed, heroes have retired, wife-beaters were handed light slaps on the wrist, and Wes Welker was massively punished for hilariously doing drugs. The regular season starts TONIGHT. Let’s take a look at the things that matter.
Best Game of the Week:
Tonight you can watch the championship-winning Seattle Seahawks take on perennial favorites the Green Bay Packers. The Seattle offense and defense are both outstanding but don’t put out the offensive abilities of Green Bay. Count on Aaron “Discount Double Check” Rodgers to put up big numbers tonight. Also, it’s the first game of the season. Get HYPED.
Worst Game of the Week:
Panthers Vs. Bucs. Why would you watch this game? If you lose your remote control and end up with this stuck on your television let me know how it goes.
Baseless Predictions of the Week:
The Houston Texans will come out in full force from their god-awful previous season and bury Washington this week.
Also, I’m picking the 49ers to win the whole thing this year. I look forward to recalling how wrong I am in a few weeks.
Worst Person on the Field:
Tough call this early in the season! This week I choose Ndumakong Suh, one of the dirtiest players in the league.
Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:
If I were some kind of degenerate gambler I would take the Seahawks at -6, Kansas City at -4, and the Chargers at +3. Possibly as a parlay if I was feeling particularly saucy. Not that I know anything about this though.
Fantasy Football Update:
The Toilet ov Hell league begins! One competitor will achieve victory and gain a golden toilet trophy. One LOSER will be brutally mocked in the pages of this site. Who will it be?!?!
I am ready for some football.