The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 4: Slammin’ Highlights

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Good afternoon sports fans. I could easily go into another screed about power, wealth, and institutional corruption but I don’t really want to write it and you don’t want to read it. Instead, let’s get straight to the highlights of the week.

Last week opened with one of the worst blowouts I’ve ever seen with Atlanta beating the ever-loving dog shit out of Tampa. Between the Bucs and the Jags, this is going to be (another) terrible year for Floridians. FORTUNATELY, there were a few thrilling games to make up for that shit show. Dallas (haaaay) narrowly avoided another embarrassment by taking a difficult victory over St. Louis and Baltimore just BARELY defeated the Browns.

For my money, there was one game worth a damn last week: Washington at Philadelphia. An overtime victory, bad blood (via Maclin), hard hits, violence, palpable hate; this game had it all. The NFL makes it all but impossible to show game film but I’ve gone ahead and made this highlight reel of the game using the tragically limited resources available and my own poor video editing abilities. I hope you enjoy.

Here’s what’s coming up.

Best Game of the Week:

Green Bay at Chicago. This is a real rivalry game between two teams that aren’t nearly as good as their fans will have you believe. Expect tons of midwesterners drunkenly yelling at each other.

Worst Game of the Week:

Jacksonville at San Diego. I’m picking the Chargers by 30.

Baseless Predictions of the Week:

Your fantasy team will be destroyed because your best players are on Bye week.

Worst Person on the Field:

James Harrison! He retired last season so I was afraid I’d never get to pick him for this spot. Thankfully, he is returning to Pittsburgh to needlessly injure more defenseless players. Click here to see him end Colt McCoy’s career while wearing fucking KEVLAR inside his helmet. You’re a terrible person, James.

Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:

Last week I told you to take Indy at -7 over Jacksonville and San Diego at +1 over Buffalo. Both were solid gold, baby! Also, I told you to take Green Bay at +1 over Detroit. That was stupid. You shouldn’t have done that. I am 5-4 on the season. You can achieve a similar record by picking games at random and flipping a coin.

This week I like Washington at -4 over New York, the Lions at -2 over the Jets, and San Diego at -14 over Jacksonville. Really.

Fantasy Football Update:

I’m in dead last place. I’m not qualified to talk about football.


 

I apologize for the brevity of this post. This week has been jam packed with working on exciting new features for the site. I hope you’ll understand.

Football!

  • Howard Dean

    Exclusive footage of an NFL player in action outside of a Florida sushi bar.

    http://rs1img.memecdn.com/fighting-women-crotch-punch_o_524370.gif

    • Tyree

      Punch her/he right is the Pussy!

  • Tyree
  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    You’re not in last.

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    Who’s team is 138?

  • You haven’t truly experienced football unless you’ve frozen your ass off at Lambeau Field with a bunch of us loud drunken midwesterners.

    • One day!

      • Invitation is open when you’re ready. Tickets are always sold out to every Packers game like two hundred years into the future but I can get some.

      • more beer

        I`m glad as you are not qualified to talk about football because if you were my Giants would be losing right now!

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Is our team going to get embarrassed this week like they did last year?

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        So how about that Redskins prediction? When the Giants level you like they did you know you have a problem.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I am a unapologetic Steeler Fan. Born and bred

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCojia6LJ2c

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    EdgeFlusher you’re doing down this week. Right down the toilet.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    This weekend I will be watching the Packers
    Going down like they are, a bunch of slackers,
    Cutler will smoke
    and Rodgers will choke,
    on the fists of the Bear’s sackers

  • Bob Saget

    Marc Trestman is going to put his hand up Mike McCarthy’s ass and work him like a Jeff Dunham puppet on Sunday.

  • Gurp

    I felt especially jilted by the Browns game, as that was the first time in a while I sat down to watch a football game. AND THEN WE THREW IT AWAY.

    • Losing to the browns, man that must hurt. I’m sorry you had to experience that.

      • Nah brah. B-More took down Cleveland at the last minute. The Browns are pretty solid this year.

        • Ah my bad, that sounds more like the browns I know.

          • Gurp

            Yeah meng, Cleveland’s my home now, gotta root for the Browns.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Cleveland Rocks!!!

          • Gurp

            The fuck it does!

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Hahahaha

  • Does anyone in here bet on sportz?

  • Cock ov Steele

    I don’t watch football really but uh, go Raiders!

    • You picked a tough franchise to be a fan.

      • Cock ov Steele

        They had the coolest name haha. I think that’s about all that’s going for them.

    • Ouch.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Go Jaguars. I’m ashamed to be saying that as they are just shitting the bed but I love them and will not switch to a team like the Seahawks or the Broncos because of bandwagoning.

  • FUCK THE FUCKING PACKERS

    • How durst thou!

      • IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL I JUST HATE YOUR BELOVED TEAM

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I agree. Fuck them and Brett Favre was smart to leave them.

    • Virgil the Ghost Poet

      Discount double check. Rodgers almost wants to make me switch from State Farm.

  • from Deadspin Via their funbag column.

    “What would Goodell do if someone did a Ray Rice-themed TD celebration, fake-punching a teammate and then dragging them along the ground?”

  • Last nights South Park was brilliant.

    • NDNOvHell

      It was hilarious. I was just about to comment on that too. Haha!

    • The Black Dahlia Burger

      I was actually just going to ask what people thought of it. Even though it was seriously laugh-out-loud funny a few times, I really hope the whole season isn’t random pop culture references and just focuses on the boys/town more like the earlier seasons.

      • agreed. especially in the last handful of seasons South Park has been hit or miss.

  • NDNOvHell

    When I start to write about the 49ers

    >:( >:( >:( >:(

  • crazytaco_12

    Of course, Vikings lost to the Saints (go figure), but man, that fucking victory Seattle had over Denver was way too damn close. Hoping that’s just a slice of humble pie and not a precursor to shittiness.

  • JWG

    This recurring column has inspired me to watch more football than I usually do, though mostly CFL games.

    Lions aren’t doing that well, but I’ll stick with it until the NHL regular season starts. Then I can’t promise anything more…

    • I want to start watching CFL. I have no idea how it works. Also, have you ever been to an Arena Football game? Always a good time!

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    the KINGS contribution to sport. Clean and simple – classic –

  • Scrimm

    Cincinnati is kicking ASS so far. Looking good.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    I am in second. I have no clue how I went from eighth back to second place. I just wish Marshawn Lynch wasn’t on bye this week because if he wasn’t I would be winning my game this week.