The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 3: Bud Light, Brah?

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Anheuser-Busch, makers of the official beer of the NFL, expressed concern this Tuesday about the NFL’s handling of domestic abuse issues. Quoth the random corporate alcohol spokesperson:

“We are disappointed and increasingly concerned by the recent incidents that have overshadowed this NFL season. We are not yet satisfied with the league’s handling of behaviors that so clearly go against our own company culture and moral code. We have shared our concerns and expectations with the league.”

Let’s momentarily ignore the irony in this statement as Anheuser-Busch is indirectly responsible for untold thousands of cases of violence, domestic and otherwise. The NFL as we know it today would not exist without cheap domestic beer.

Back in 2011 A-B paid the NFL $1.2 BILLION dollars for its current 6-year deal as the official beer of the League. The NFL needs that sweet, sweet beer money just as bad as Bud Lite needs to broadcast icy-cold, full-bodied, beech wood-aged, amber hued refreshment to your television every 90 seconds. I find it fairly remarkable the beer conglomerate would make any kind of public statement expressing disappointment with the league, regardless of how toothless that statement is.

I don’t know about you, but that rant made me thirsty.

 

Before jumping into this week, let’s take a look some highlights from the last week of games and the myriad ways that I am wrong about everything.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Cleveland’s down-to-the-wire victory over heavy favorites the New Orleans Saints. Billy Cundiff will soon have a golden statue in downtown Cleveland for making the winning field goal in the last 3 seconds of the game twice. This marks the first time the Browns have won a home opener in 10 years. You’re a hero, Billy.

Chicago eked out an impressive victory over the San Francisco 49ers thanks to the utter self-destruction of Kaepernick in the final quarter.

I know I make fun of Jacksonville quite a bit, but let’s be honest for a moment: the Oakland Raiders and the worst team in the NFL. Their season has started off dog shit bad and I do not foresee anything changing for them.

Also, the Cowboys won. Huh. Weird.

 


Best Game of the Week:

Denver at Seattle. The previous NFC and AFC champions will repeat their match-up from last year’s Super Bowl. I have faith that Denver has learned a few new tricks and can prevent the Seahawks from completely steamrolling them like last time. It will only be a moderate blood bath.

Worst Game of the Week:

The New England Patriots at Oakland Raiders. The Patriots are looking fairly mediocre this early in the season. They’re 14 1/2 point favorites right now. They’ll likely win by at least that much. Oakland is TERRIBLE.

Baseless Predictions of the Week:

The Houston Texans will continue their winning streak against the Giants. (I’m pushing my luck with this three weeks in a row. No care)

No franchise quarterbacks will sustain season-ending injuries this week.

I will drink a lot of pumpkin beer.

Worst Person on the Field:

What the hell Adrian Peterson. Seriously, what the hell. He will be playing this Sunday because the Vikings organization, refreshingly, isn’t pretending to care about morality when their franchise player is on the line. Sux 2 b u, Non-Adrian-Peterson-former-Vikings.

UPDATE: I wrote this post Tuesday night. As of Wednesday morning, Adrian Peterson has been released by the Vikings who no doubt feared the sharp words of this respected young sports writer and inevitable backlash from the Toilet Ov Hell community.

Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:

Did you take Baltimore at -3 last week like I told you to? Good, you won! Unfortunately, if you took Detroit and Seattle you lost big time. My current record is 3-3. Trained octopi likely have similar records.

This week I like Green Bay at +1 over Detroit, Indianapolis at -7 over Jacksonville, and the Chargers at +1 over Buffalo. And you can take that to the bank! But they’ll probably just look at you funny and ask what you’re doing at the bank.

Fantasy Football Update:

The Toilet ov Hell league is under way! Halbie dominated the hell out of Jason. Step it up Jason. W. got what was coming to him. I again lost by a margin of under 2 points AGAIN and I mad.

We’re done. Put this week in the books.

 

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  • Tyree
    • L’Carpetron Dookmariot.

    • NDNOvHell

      Dan Smith. BYU

      • NDNOvHell
        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Dan Smith is a really good rapper. Also, the whole East West thing is hilarious.

          • NDNOvHell

            Agreed. Dan Smith laid the track to rest. haha

    • RuIN?

      Mergatroid Skittle!!! Fuck yeah!

  • Getting sick of these domestic abuse situations. It’s only going to get worse though, because the nfl handled it wrong the first time.

    • Hopefully this week will go by without off-field incident. That way next week can just be siqq jock jam coverage.

      • I hope so. This reminds me of the nba in the early 2000’s

        • I miss the Portland Jail Blazers. The NBA needs more players like Sheed.

          • SMOHLG

            Jail blazers >>>>>> Frail blazers

    • Mother Shabubu III

      Guys with egos as big as planets + steroid-like drugs + concussion issues + drugs given to deal with concussion/pain issues + loads of money to inflate ego and persuade any person to drop the case = not ending any time sooner. Football is an American religion. These cases are like the priests who molest children and yet are constantly swept under the rug.

      The NFL is actually just like that shitty Sandler movie “The Longest Yard”. It’s a game played by criminals organized by crooked people.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        amen brother!

  • Don’t start talking shit about Anheuser-Busch! That’s the best beer ever bro!

  • Flushgod Apocalypse

    You lost to Adam Vinatieri. How does it feel, @joethrashnkill:disqus? 😉

  • “The Vikings are 1-1 VS NFL teams . And 2-0 VS 4 year olds”- Joel McHale

  • NDNOvHell

    I’m still pissed about my Niners.
    100 plus yards in penalties. Plus 4 turnovers? BLAHHHHH

    to take a quote from The Waterboy:

    “Nice job, Shithead. You lost us the game.”

    • That was a rough game. Kaepernick blew it, dude.

      • NDNOvHell

        Seriously. To just unravel like that is depressing. Stadium opener too!! :'(

  • Dear NFL and Bud Light,

    Please bring back the ” Real Men of Genius” advertisements.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alzz7l1NQwM

  • Scrimm

    Peterson is no longer playing. Also, the situation is not funny at all but….

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      O its funny. The funny part is the …..” O my god, Im shocked bs” lol

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    I hate football so here is my contribution

  • crazytaco_12

    I’m a Vikings fan and I’m glad Peterson is off the team, but I wish there was more accountability for other shit that goes on with players, such as DUI and whatnot. But yeah, couldn’t believe that shit when I saw it; clearly going beyond discipline. Also, on a performance note, Peterson’s had a target on his back for years, so he really couldn’t have aided the Vikings anymore with his contribution.

    • Scrimm

      Same here, and now they Released Jerome Simpson. This season is a bust.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Can football players stop getting in trouble? It is getting annoying to hear about all these football players getting in trouble. If I wanted sports drama I would go and watch wrestling.

  • RuIN?

    Praise Allah I was on the winning end of a less than two point match up. Winning!

  • Scrimm

    Am I the only one who is really reminded of Tomas Lindberg when listening to Bastard Sapling?

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    Ok, clearly I’m in the minority on this but I don’t expect ANY ethical leadership from NFL players. The vast majority of these dudes are aggressive, self entitled, ego maniacs. I didn’t get along with meat heads in high school, college or now and I don’t look to them for moral guidance. The NFL is a gladiator league and they are paid handsomely for our enjoyment. The media found another story to latch onto and will beat this do death. I don’t condone the actions of the players in question but I also have minimal expectations. The only argument I have is the inconsistency in punishment from the corporate leadership structure. That said, I expect nothing from them either, its an old boys club filled with some of the richest white wasps in “Muricah” and they have one goal…$$$$$. LOL, a 60 Billion dollar per year TAX FREE old boys club I might add. So can we move on to another media story please? I expect nothing from the National Gladiator Leage except when I sit down on Sunday at BW3’s and want to see a close game.

    • Scrimm

      That’s pretty much spot on.

    • Rizzle01

      I agree. I don’t even see how it is the NFL’s job to regulate this kind of behavior. Seems like stuff for the courts and fans to deal with.

      • On the reals, this should all be up to law enforcement. Unfortunately with money and league power folks can get away with anything.

  • Howard Dean
  • Rizzle01

    Mega LOLZ.

  • Bözlinger

    this week annoys me