The Road to the Pooper Bowl – Week 2: In Which it All Went to Hell

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Welcome back to The Road to the Pooper Bowl, a weekly column for all of you BDubs Bros. It’s week 2 of the NFL season and everything has already gone to hell.

If you’re even remotely familiar with current events in American culture you know who Ray Rice is and why he’s a piece of shit. For those outside the US and the mercifully ignorant, Ray Rice is was a running back for the Baltimore Ravens. During the offseason, video emerged of him dragging his unconscious wife down a hotel hallway after beating the hell out of her. He was suspended by the NFL for 2 games. The league regularly hands down far steeper penalties for non-violent offenses and this was a huge news story, so why the wrist slap? Fast forward to the past weekend: TMZ leaked footage of the actual knockout blows from the elevator video camera. For some reason, this changed everything. Ray Rice was dropped by the Ravens, lost his Nike sponsorship and suspended indefinitely by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Why did this happen? Rice ADMITTED that he beat the hell out of his wife before the video broke. Did the Ravens and/or the NFL even try to obtain footage of the assault? Why was Rice’s suspension not harsher in the first place? Why is Rice not being prosecuted?

Roger Goodell is a well-paid clown. As commissioner of the NFL, he was elected by the team owners (a group of billionaires) to publicly appear to give a shit about morality for people that lack any semblance of morals. Goodell makes awful decisions on behalf of awful people for awful players doing awful things.

Current Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger was suspended by Goodell for 6 games for sexually assaulting a woman in 2010. The suspension was later reduced to 4 games. Roethlisberger led the Steelers to a championship that year. Soon-to-be Hall of Famer Brett Favre was given no punishment for sexually harassing a team employee. Just last week Wes Welker was suspended four games for testing positive for ecstasy. Do any of these decisions make sense? Why is recreational drug use punished harsher than sex crimes?

The NFL doesn’t actually care whether or not Ray Rice is a wife-beater, they just want this story to go away ASAP. In the meantime, they have deployed Goodell to tell giant lies as damage control. He is under increasing scrutiny as this story unfolds. Sooner or later, he will inevitably be replaced by some other paid stooge. This is a game of greed. Do you remember the referee lockout in 2012?  The NFLPA has this one all covered: 

It is lost on us as to how you allow a Commissioner to cavalierly issue suspensions and fines in the name of player health and safety yet permit the wholesale removal of the officials that you trained and entrusted to maintain that very health and safety. It has been reported that the two sides are apart by approximately $60,000 per team. We note that your Commissioner has fined an individual player as much in the name of “safety.” Your actions are looking more and more like simple greed. As players, we see this game as more than the “product” you reference at times. You cannot simply switch to a group of cheaper officials and fulfill your legal, moral, and duty obligations to us and our fans. You need to end the lockout and bring back the officials immediately.

TL;DR the NFL is disgusting. 


Last week I was foolishly traveling during most of the games and I unfortunately missed all of the excitement of watching the Cowboys shit the bed. I will remedy the situation by watching football until I form bed sores this weekend.

Best Game of the Week:

neckbeards

The Philadelphia Eagles face off against the Indianapolis Colts for a true battle of neckbeard supremacy Monday night! Both teams have massive passing offenses and weak pass defense so look for about a millions points to be scored. I give the edge to the Colts who are coming off a huge last season. Also, Andrew Luck’s neckbeard. Damn. You could hatch a bundle of bald eagles in that nest.

Worst Game of the Week:

Jacksonville Vs. Washington. This is technically a football game. Expect one of these teams to pick up one of their very few wins this year here.

Baseless Predictions of the Week:

Roger Goodell will resign and be replaced with some other stooge.

The Houston Texans will continue their winning ways against Oakland.

The Dallas Cowboys will continue to make me ashamed to be a fan. Oh wait, they just did it again!

Worst Person on the Field:

There are a lot of terrible people all around the NFL and shockingly, few of them will touch the field this week. I choose Philadelphia wide receiver Riley Cooper who is incapable of drinking and listening to country music without getting all racist. Also, he ruins fantasy football teams.

Uninformed Picks from a Bad Gambler:

Last week I suggested you take Seattle at -6. I WAS RIGHT. I also suggested you take San Diego at +3. I WAS RIGHT. Then I went and suggested you to take Kansas City at -4. I was wrong. You should not have done that; Tennessee destroyed KC. My record for the season is 2-1.

This week I would again take Seattle at -6, Baltimore at -3, and Detroit at +3. This DOES constitute professional advice, I think. It’s probably best not to bet this all as a parlay BUT HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF THAT PAID OUT?

Fantasy Football Update:

The Toilet ov Hell league is under way! W. beat me by 1.4 points so fuck that guy. Bozlinger (an Australian dude who doesn’t follow the NFL) DESTROYED his American oponent. CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL is currently in first place. It’s a long season but we’re all in this together.

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • I’d like to apologize in advance for spending most of the post writing about the Ray Rice debacle. The whole situation is awful and I would rather cover other topics but this was by far the most pressing issue of the week. It seemed inappropriate to not discuss it. That being said, domestic violence is fucked up. Fuck Ray Rice.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I had no idea that this had happened.

    • I actually really enjoyed the way you wrote about that. Talking about Goodell and the shitty things he does for shitty people was interesting. Thanks Poppa Joe!

    • FeelTheDarkness

      That’s ok the Steelers will beat them up tonight!!!!

      • Noooo! Roethlisberger isn’t any better! If he gets knocked out of the game, I’ll be OK with it.

        • FeelTheDarkness

          Every team has it’s turds

        • TrickleDownTacoRiff

          Agreed but hes so stupid you cant knock him out. He ran his bike into a brick wall without a helmet a few years back and walked away unscathed.

    • Gurp

      Nah, it needed to be said. Shouted from the rooftops, even.

    • Cock ov Steele

      I was gonna say CNN this morning spent a lot of time talking about that, instead of you know, acknowledging that today is September 11th and all that stuff.

    • I mean we all knew he was an asshole but this is like axl level asshole.

    • NDNOvHell

      The funny thing is that I’m pretty sure the video was online right after it happened. Unless I’m fucking blind or something. Even then, why would they need the video to give the guy a punishment of more than 2 games? The Ravens had said something, paraphrasing here, along the lines that they were given a “lighter version” of what happened that night. He knocked out his fiancee, I guess they don’t know how hard someone has to be hit to be knocked unconscious. The parties involved got busted trying to cover this up, and I’m glad they’re getting put on the spot. Seriously I love football, but fuck the NFL.

      • crazytaco_12

        If I ever go to another football game live, I’m making a shirt for the occasion that’ll say “pay your fucking taxes NFL”

        • NDNOvHell

          That would be incredible. I’d wear one

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    I drafted Riley Cooper to be a permanent bench warmer on my team, well until someone worth while comes up and I’ll drop him. Solid analysis.

    • That is pretty much all he’s good for. If you’re stuck putting him in he might gain you 2-3 points.

      • Flushgod Apocalypse

        I literally just dropped him. Looks like we’re playing this week, Joe!

        • YOU’RE GOING DOWN BROTHER, OOOOOH YEAH.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            No brother, you are all going to bow down to my fantasy team. How do you feel about that, tough guy? HOOOOOOOOO!

          • Flushgod Apocalypse

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            He died today.

          • : (

          • Flushgod Apocalypse

            I know. I posted it as a memorium of sorts. Super unfortunate 🙁

        • Bözlinger©

          who is 138?

  • W.

    The sad thing is that Jerry Jones will get out of it cuz money.

    • Pretty much this. He’s gotten away with being a horrible person all of his life.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        As a person that dislikes the Cowboys, I hope he remains the owner forever. He’s the new Al Davis. Romo is horrible, and he gives him like a billion dollars over the next 500 years. More please!

        • I think he is a vampire so he may never die. Of course, I thought the same about Al Davis.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            ha! great point!

  • Randall Thor

    Yay! Panthers / Bucs wasn’t the worst game of the week! Even though the outcome still sucked 🙁

  • Howard Dean

    I spent my entire childhood, high school, and college years devoted to playing football. I then spent five years post-college dedicated to coaching football at the high school level (including a year as a head coach).

    Now, I hardly even follow the game. I watched one football game last year (it wasn’t the Super Bowl–I always despised the people that didn’t care about football the rest of the year and then beat off to the Super Bowl like it meant something) Football burns you out. It’s a sport that can make you bitter with its ugliness and the ignorance of the people involved–within and without. It harbors a lot of ugly, shitty things, and can bring out the absolute worst in people. I can hardly stomach it anymore.

    I might return back to it one day and learn to enjoy all of it again, but for now, I’d rather spend my Saturdays/Sundays/Mondays sleeping, eating, mowing my lawn, going for a walk, or spacing out.

    • W.

      Football culture here in Texas is absolutely ridiculous. I recall hearing a dad say that he couldn’t pick his daughter up from cheerleading practice because the high school that his son went to had football practice, and he had to go see how the team was doing.

      • Howard Dean

        That sounds about right. Hah!

        I should clarify that I don’t think football is all bad. I still deep down love a lot of the things the sport has going for it (college game day ritualism and tradition is pretty fantastic), and I do believe it has values it can instill within people.

        I’m just burned out by it. The all-encompassing, colossal “culture” married to the sport can be hard to stomach. And I don’t think the modern ubiquity of the game is good for it. People shouldn’t be force fed a sport for 16 straight hours on Sunday, no matter how “good” or “fun” it is.

        • W.

          I’m with you there. I enjoy rooting for my alma mater on Saturdays, but I’ve never been one to plant myself in front of the tv for two days straight and just absorb football like so many other people here.

          • UT is going to be so bad this year 🙁

          • W.

            Don’t worry, we are going to get annihilated by Arkansas on Saturday.

          • W.

            Baylor is so good this year!

          • Howard Dean

            I grew with football as a huge part of my family. Saturday’s were college football and game tape review, Sunday’s were NFL from 8:30am to 11:00pm (from the start of pregame shows all the way to the end of the primetime evening game, all without pause), Monday night was MNF, and eventually, it evolved into watching a combo of ESPN/NFL Network every day of the week, with whatever random college football game was being played on the weekday night. It was way too much.

    • Tyree

      Yeah for sure, there are some mean/crazy PSU fans here. It’s fucking Mahyem during the weekends here in Happy Valley. I stay away from town as much as I possibly can during the weekends. Being a guy that used to set up tents and deliver rental shit for PSU during the home games I’ve seen my fair share of drunken fights between our fans and the opposing fans (Especially when Ohio State plays here). It can be a ugly mess filled with ugliness and ignorance like you said. Glad I don’t have to experience being around that any more.

      • Seeing kids riot on TV when they fired Paterno is still probably one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen in relation to the game of football.

        • W.

          That was just awful.

          • Tyree

            Yeah, I remember that day. That was embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to live here and to tell people that I’m from here.

        • Tyree

          Seriously, fuck PSU! and I live here.

          • Randall Thor

            I did a gymnastics meet with their team, and they were cool! Although 50 people in skimpy tight clothing doing flips n shit don’t really represent the population

        • i tried googling this, and there are lots of huge stories. can you sum it up for someone who knows nothing about this?

          • SUPER long story short:
            Joe Paterno was the head coach at PSU for like 45 years. During the 90s he had an assistant coach named Jerry Sandusky. Jerry Sandusky used the program and a related charity to sexually abuse young boys. The PSU program (and Paterno) swept this all under the rug for many years. Eventually, a reporter did a massive expose on all of the abuse and the coverup. Paterno was fired and tons of students at PSU rioted because they were angry that their beloved child-rape-enabling head coach was fired.

          • wholly shiite dude. now i remember when i used to have FB (for real) a friend from Penn posted something like this after Paterno died:
            “let’s try and be sensitive to Paterno’s family during this difficult time. whatever he did or didn’t do, he was a great man and will be remembered”.
            it took a lot of restraint not to respond to it.

          • Tyree

            Be glad you don’t live here. I have to hear that shit all of the time. Gross!

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            From the outside Tyree, it sounds like a classic case of small town group think. No offense intended. I was actually a big Joe Pa legacy fan. IMO he looked the other way and there’s no escaping that fact. But the way people seemingly turn a blind eye to his responsibility ans it seems weird from the outside looking in as I said. Just an opinion I acknowledge I don’t have all the facts.

          • Tyree

            Nah man, no offense taken at all. I just am tired of people here talking about it all of the time. It gets boring plus I am not into football. I’m just bitter & annoyed by it all. Shakes fist at cloud like a grumpy old man.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            haha! off my lawn and move on!

        • Tyree

          You know what is also gross? I actually used to help set up for The Second Mile. I want to barf every time I think about it now.

          • Man, that is hard. It’s a shame that one monster could do so much harm and that so many people would just look the other way.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Fuck Jerry Sandusky and fuck pedophiles in general. I hope he likes his endless suffering in jail. Anyone who supports that man is going to hell for not saying anything to stop him. Also on the subject of pedophiles, fuck Tripp Eisen and Ian Watkins. You don’t even want to know what Ian Watkins did.

          • Paris Hilton

            The only good woman-beater, rapist or pedophile is a dead one.

          • The Satan Ov Nvklear Hell

            Fuck Rolf Harris, and fuck Jimmy Saville, if we’re talking about all the pedophiles we hate

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            On that subject, fuck Gary Glitter and Dave Holland. Dave apparently tried to rape a 17 year old boy.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Hehe you said hard

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        Cue jerry jokes

        • FeelTheDarkness

          The title of the Jerry Sandusky biography is called Touched. Not joking.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            PSU: Safe for you daughter

    • I tend to compare football to Call of Duty: it’s not the game itself i have issues with, it’s the fans. Fans ruined CoD. Fans are ruining football, for me anyway. I don’t like going to a game and engaging with drunken leptons over how this or that guy is sooo badass.

      • Paris Hilton

        I know that feel with my love of MMA and metal. LOVE them both, HATE the fans

        • W.

          Paris, we got into a convo about MMA on FB. I used to love the early days of UFC back when they had one unlimited round and no one knew jiu jitsu except Royce Gracie.

          • Paris Hilton

            Yes! I’m also a huge fan Pride when that was still a thing! I’ve actually trained with GSP’s wrestling coach Guivi Sissaouri before, I can see where GSP gets his flawless takedowns from, the dude fucking mopped the floor with me!

          • Steve Smithwick

            Wanderlei in Pride…. woof. Holy fuck. Nobody was scarier (except maybe Mirko? Yeah, probably Mirko) at the time. If you rip a guys face open and he bleeds everywhere, he’s *not* supposed to drink his own blood, smile at you, and wave you on to hit him some more.

        • Travis Lipski has a fantasticly tasteless joke about MMA.. if i can find it, i’ll post it.

      • W.

        I love your use of lepton here.

    • Gurp

      I’m totally guilty of only watching the Super Bowl. Free food + beer at a friend’s house. Sometimes the game is even good, too.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Byah!

    • Paris Hilton

      I know that feel of being burnt out from varsity sports. I now have the body of a 70 y/o from abusing it for 4 years in university.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    Basically all I know about football:

    -a basic understanding of its rules
    -stole its name from European soccer.
    -hazing rituals
    -it seems like a good portion of the league are criminals
    -I’m guessing the owners are criminals too, just a different kind.
    -Jerry Sandusky is a piece of shit
    -Tim Teblow is a piece of shit
    -Johnny Manziel is a piece of shit
    -Michael Vick is a piece of shit
    -Rothelsburger is a rapist piece of shit swept under the rug thanks to payoffs
    -Rice is a piece of shit
    -Ray Lewis is a piece of shit
    -OJ Simpson is a piece of shit
    -several other players are pieces of shit.
    -Dan Marino was really good yet never won any titles
    -Peyton Manning is a deity of some kind despite always choking in playoff situations
    -it’s basically a modern organized religion
    -it’s basically used to keep rubes distracted from the royal screw jobs of reality
    -Seattle Seahawks have cool fucking jerseys

    • This is a solid understanding of football.

    • W.

      Anyone who hates Manziel is okay in my book.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Manziel deserves to be a bust like Jamarcus Russell and Vernon Gholston before him. I hope he fails at the level of Ryan Leaf. Don’t know who Ryan Leaf is? He was the biggest draft bust ever until Jamarcus Russell.

        • TrickleDownTacoRiff

          lol!

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        A total doosh, It will be fun to watch him crash and burn. O by the way Ryan Leaf another “NFL future QB phenom” is on the way to prison. Their total arrogance in the face of crumbling confidence is similar imo.

    • Gurp

      Football was actually a catch-all term for any sport played on foot with a ball.

      • Cock ov Steele

        I hear “soccer” was actually first used in England, but we get blamed for it.

        • Gurp

          It’s true!

        • Paris Hilton

          I differentiate the 2 by calling one Football and the other Fütbol en Español.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Tebow is not a piece of shit. I have never heard of him doing anything wrong. He’s my favorite player not named Brett Favre. You are mostly right on piece of shit football players though.

      • Tebow’s just a jesus freak that couldn’t cut it in the NFL…i think he’s doing commentary on college football now.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I heard he was. I still think he would be a good QB for a team that really needs one like the Rams or the Jaguars.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        Tebow is gay

        • W.

          Easy, dude. No need for that here.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Oh, I did not mean it as an insult. I believe it to be #tebowfax that he is into dudes.

      • TrickleDownTacoRiff

        The Jets ruined him, joke organization. Sorry Jets fans out there….I live in NJ. Jets suck. But Im a Bears fan, we do too.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I will never forgive Rex Ryan for that atrocity. He should not have started Sanchez and maybe had he started Tebow or Geno Smith things would have gotten better.

          • TrickleDownTacoRiff

            Total nightmare. I’m not saying Tebow would have made it either but if you actually watched the drama from start to finish the fact Rex didn’t get canned only shows how bad the Jets organization is and how poorly they handled the QB situation, it was a joke. Sanchez too…PS here they go again with Gino and Michael. You know whats going to happen about week 4, Gino sucks Michael goes in, Michael sucks etc.

    • The Prophet Mohammed

      You left out one important detail, football isn’t hockey so it doesn’t matter.

      • Steve Smithwick

        Football does matter, but hockey is still the best- on that, we agree.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    Guess who is in second in his fantasy league. If you guessed me you are right. I’m coming for first you Coal Roller. I’ve prepared a team worthy to destroy everyone made of sure things like Marshawn Lynch and Andrew Luck and sleepers like Danny Woodhead, Antonio Gates and any of my 4 backup QBs. Your hopes will soon be In Flames!

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      When hell freezes over

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Hell will freeze over because my team is going to win. My players will perform above their predictions and I shall win because of that fact.

  • Xan
    • Scrimm

      YES!!!

  • I usually cannot stand media shit storms, but this whole Ray Rice and Goodell debacle has been really enjoyable. Watching the commissioner squirm and dig himself deeper in a hole is amusing. Did you know that jackass’ salary is something like $44 million? Disgusting. I hope the owners turn on him.

    BTW the Cowboys games are the funniest show on TV.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I hope they fire Goodell. He doesn’t deserve to make 44 million a year.

    • NDNOvHell

      All that Red in AT&T stadium on sunday. Definitely rustled Jerry Jones’ jimmies. Haha

    • TrickleDownTacoRiff

      Agree, especially since Goodell is such an arrogant smug prick!

  • Not a fan of the Broncos, but I did find a bar that gives out free shots every time they score. So I will again disguise myself as a Broncos fan in the name of free booze.

    BTW Patriots fan all the way here….we looked like shit in that second half vs the Dolphins, last week.

    • Crazy! I’d pretend to be a Broncos fan for free booze. Hell, I’d pretend to be a Pats fan for free booze!

      • We’d have to go to Massachusetts for something like that.

      • Would you pretend to be a ffdp fan for free booze?

        • Yes, but i would not forgive myself for many many years

        • That’s not even a hard question. Of course I would.

          • Bvb fan? I’m just trying to find your limit here.

          • Uh, I guess I would but I don’t think any BVB fans are old enough to drink.

          • Metalsucks fan????

          • Ooooooof. Gotta think about that one.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Blasphemy!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Would you pretend to be an Emmure fan for booze? How about a Limp Bizkit fan?

      • W.

        Hey, I don’t have to pretend to be a Broncos fan. Where’s my free booze? @gorgasm:disqus, are you located in Colorado?

        • I’m in northern New Mexico, just 30 minutes from Colorado.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I have family in Denver and I went to the Broncos’ division championship game where they destroyed New England before losing to Seattle. I got a Peyton Manning jersey out of it and quite a bit of good food.

          • Denver’s awesome. Saw my first professional sporting event there. Watched the Rockies beat the Mets.

            Was the Patriots beatdown last season? I remember that game. It was fucking awful.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yes it was. I hate Tom Brady and all but that was just mean.

          • I don’t want to bury the Pats too early, but this may be the beginning of the downfall of Tom and the Pats.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I see that being true. You can’t always be the best team if you keep the same players in all the time. Players get old, they become worse than what they were. I feel their downfall is beginning.

          • W.

            I have Brady as my fantasy QB this year, so I’m hoping for one more good year out of him.

          • W.

            So, like Las Vegas or Raton?

          • More like Farmington.

          • W.

            Gotcha. I have friends from Farmington, I think. I grew up in Colorado and lived in Albuquerque one summer.

          • If they’re metal heads, there’s a good chance i know them…very small metal community here.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Patriots fans look like shit all year round

      • Disagree, in regards to myself. I’m actually quite dashing.

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          Exception granted. No go get me a dunkin pumpkin spice

          • Anything for the current leader of TovH fantasy league.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Perennial to be

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I will soon be the leader and I am proud of being able to dethrone the current leader. I shall win this game and the season!

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Those are bold assertions

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            They are bold but I have a feeling that my team will beat yours and even though my predictions may be bold I have a good feeling.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            My kicker had more points than your WR1, not a good sign, bro

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            That’s one person, I still have eight other starters that haven’t had games yet.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            sorry chap. had me on the edge of my seat till the game ended

  • Fucking Bears

  • I’ve always felt the Broncos have an unfair advantage at home, what with Denver’s elevation and all.

    • NDNOvHell

      Seriously.
      “ZOMG NFL FIELD GOAL RECORD OF 68 YARDS!!!”

      Really?? That’s pretty much cheating bruhhh.

    • W.

      I grew up in CO and ran track in high school. My least favorite meet was Leadville. The elevation is 11,000 freaking feet!

      • NDNOvHell

        Damn. That would make for some good training though!

        • W.

          That’s why the Olympic Training Center is in C Springs.

  • Gurp

    This is totally unrelated but next year’s Maryland Deathfest is looking REEEEAAAALLLY appetizing… http://www.marylanddeathfest.com/
    Devourment, Internal Bleeding, Origin, Skinless, Artificial Brain, Bloodbath, Funebrarum, Lock Up, Master, Obituary, Suffocation, Aeternus, Darkened Nocturne Slaughtercult, Ghoul, Napalm Death, Splatterhouse, Metal Church, Morpheus Descends, Razor, Sodom, Triptykon, Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Antigama, Cephalic Carnage, Chainsaw to the Face, Inter Arma, Wolfbrigade, Amorphis, Anaal Nathrakh, DEMILICH (DEMILICH IS PLAYING IN THE US OMG), Neurosis, Prosanctus Inferi, Tombs, Winter, Portal, Impetuous Ritual, and DRI!
    I’m thinking about saving money for a trip over to Maryland, if my hearing can stand it…

    • Get some ear plugs homes. I’m tentatively planning on going. I know Tyree is def gonna be there.

      • Gurp

        I’m planning on seeing an audiologist soon, see how that works out.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        If I lived anywhere near where it is I would go. It’s probably not happening because Baltimore is a distance from where I live.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      Plz bootleg demilich plz plz

      • Gurp

        How am I supposed to get in the pit, though?

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          Violence

      • Scrimm

        I really wish there was a bootleg of the show I saw.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Also unrelated: Apparently there is going to be a free concert in Times Square with Devo and Jane’s Addiction headlining it on October 12th. Would any of you New York based Toiletheads go to that besides myself?

      • Gurp

        I’m afraid I don’t live in NY, Jim.

      • crazytaco_12

        Wow, that’s badass. Too bad I don’t live in NY

      • Hmm sounds interesting. Because I like free stuff.

    • Scrimm

      I saw Demilich in Arizona. Awesome.

      • Gurp

        I am green with envy.

        • Scrimm

          They were so good. They even used our amp.

  • TrickleDownTacoRiff

    haha lol!

    “you know who Ray Rice is and why he’s a piece of shit.”

    Ok and as a 40 plus year Bear fan can someone please tell me how the pundits actually put them at about #10 in the power rankings this year? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Cutler has about as much leadership skill as RG3 and throws more picks than Romo. The defense cant stop the run, Urlacher is gone and the defensive co-ordinater sucks. Its no surprise to me really especially when ESPN actually employs “Hammerin Hank” to pick3 games per week (no spread) and he still cant get an average win percentage much over 50. Hilarious…

  • Scrimm

    Last week was a great week except for the Cardinals winning. This week my favorite teams both have tougher games, and the teams I hate mostly have easier ones. Oh well, at least Jacksonville has a good chance of losing.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I feel that Jacksonville is going to beat Washington as the Redskins suck.

      • Scrimm

        Jacksonville sucks too. Bad.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Not as bad as the Redskins though.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    *throws hands in air, shouts “OOOOOHHHHH!” the entire time while reading this article*

  • Bözlinger©

    *raises arms, gets kick points*

  • Pierre Generic

    Andrew Luck has a neckbeard that any Sunn O))) fan would envy.

  • Further Down the Metal Hole

    Worst game of the week: American Football. Zing!

    • You’re Scottish, right? (I apologize if I’m wrong) What is your NFL equivalent?

      • KJM

        Caber tossing? ^_^

        • Further Down the Metal Hole

          Men in kilts chucking sticks through the air is the manliest thing since animal skinning was first thought of.

      • Further Down the Metal Hole

        Yep, but I’ve lived in Austria all my life. All everyone cares about round these parts is football (also known as soccer to y’all) and skiing.

        Scotland is football daft as well, no doubt about that and it certainly is the most popular televised sport. For a direct equivalent to the NFL I’d have to name the Scottish rugby union.

        Personally, I don’t really watch any team sports, no time for it really. Also, sports fans are hilariously angry most of the time.

  • KJM

    “Why is recreational drug use punished harsher than sex crimes?”

    Because drug use is for “weirdos” and “hippies” as opposed to woman beating, which is macho and manly.

    Heck, not only was Chris Brown applauded rather than booed offstage at The Grammys, he still has a rabid female fan base(TeamBreezy).

  • I know, man. TBH, this is kinda why I decided to start writing this column. I LOVE watching professional football but so many things associated with it just disgust me to my core. I’m hoping in future posts I can focus more on positive things.

    • crazytaco_12

      FUCK THE POSITIVE! HAIL THE VOID!