The ONE EPIC THING Wintersun fans have REALLY been Asking For…

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Jari Mäenpää, formerly of Ensiferum, now the creative driving force behind majestic melodic metal band, Wintersun… it’s about “Time” somebody stopped making all these terrible time-related puns and finally called you the fuck out.

Eleven years. Eleven long years of setbacks, broken promises, excuses, dead silence, and we have yet to receive exactly what we expected of you. It’s over, you scheister. It’s time you start answering this question, once for all, to all of your fans who keep asking you over and over…

Where the fuck are my Wintersun wallpapers?

It’s been over a good long decade, and here I am stretching out my original Wintersun debut album cover JPEG all over my computer screen, like some kind of dumb ass. This is unacceptable. Do you know how many years all my friends who are fans of other extreme metal bands have been actively mocking me for this low-resolution travesty I have to use to display my Wintersun fandom on my laptop? While their favorite groups are consistently supplying them with a generous output of quality desktop background images, here I am stuck in the fucking early aughts; using the same exact screenshot.BMP file I had on my old Dell CRT setup.

It’s time to pay up, and pay up seriously.

No more will I tolerate your excuses; excuses regarding the standard of quality for which Wintersun wallpapers must meet for you personally, while turning a deaf ear to what your fans may want or find acceptable.

Listen, I thought that the Time I wallpaper I got back in late 2012 was a perfectly good desktop background. Sure it might have been just a little bit muddled, just a bit noisy. A little too much going on there for everybody to handle — if only at first — but I thought it was good. Not worth all the years we waited for it, but yes, still good. Most regular people wouldn’t even notice the overlayered, overproduced, totally digital art that was the result of your many compromises with the Time background as a concept. So look, sometimes done is better than perfect, alright?

I even understand requesting fans to help you fund building a million dollar house for you to live and record in. I totally get it. You need space not only to live, to write, to practice, to record and produce your music, you also need some space to ensure that you can output something proper to look at when I first boot up my new laptop. 

Eleven fucking years, bro. I’m not getting any younger.

So please, take my money. Take it all. “Twenty cups of coffee” and then some. Money is no object to me, I measure value only in sweeping guitar solos and lossless compression. But you better believe I’m expecting some results I should be happy with, or this fan/artist relationship you and I have is over. We need extra perks that actually matter outside of new material. I don’t just want 720p or 1080p trash. I want some goddamn 4k wallpapers, Jari. 16:9 crop, Jari. Fuck it, you’ve had enough time. How about you take it to that “next level” you keep promising us and put out some 5K masterpieces? It’s the very least you could do.


Go big or go home, Jari. Deliver. Deliver exactly as I, and all the rest of us here keep asking of you.

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  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    TRUTH

  • Howard Dean

    Wait, this fucking band seriously crowdfunded over €350,000 for their next album?! Christ.

    These dudes should get into Ponzi schemes. I heard they can deliver 15% compounded yearly returns on investment.*

    *minimum investment of €100,000

    • Howard Dean
      • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

        Dude looks like a pale frail dildo.

        -The Dank Magician, 1 month ago

        • Howard Dean

          Truer words have never been spoken, my reposted friend.

      • Count_Breznak
        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          Would you fund me? I’d fund me hard

          • Count_Breznak

            It puts the money into the crowdfund, or it gets no wallpaper again.

    • Rain Poncho W.

      HD, it’s not a pyramid scheme, it’s multi-level marketing. We find that the stay-at-home moms on Facebook are much more comfortable extorting their old high school friends to buy candles and bodywraps if we don’t include the word “pyramid.”

    • We have zero right to complain (yes it drives me up the fucking wall). The fans have disposable income, so good on Winterson))) for their entrepreneurial endeavors :/

      • … but complaining is still fun tho

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          Complaining is what keeps the Internet alive

      • Dumpster Lung

        You’re not technically wrong, but every nerd who steals his mom’s credit card to help Jari fund this insanity only reinforces his delusions and encourages him to perpetuate this cycle of doing shit that makes me want to facepalm myself to death.

    • sweetooth0

      And there’s no physical album on that kickstarter that I can see. 50 fucking euro for digital files? Really?

      • You are correct. If they want a physical copy, they will have to buy it again when it’s released through the label (from what I understand)

        • sweetooth0

          that is garbage

      • BobLoblaw

        Its not kickstarter. £50 going directly to the artist for over 70 audio files and artwork doesn’t sound so bad.

        • sweetooth0

          Indiegogo, they’re all basically the same thing. I’m sorry, but I would never pay that much even for 70 digital files. 50Eur in $73 Canadian. So 24 dollars for a fucking digital download of an album. It’s ridiculous. There’s bands selling their entire discography for much less on bandcamp. But I don’t really care, if idiots want to give these guys a ton of money, then by all means, go for it.

          • BobLoblaw

            So you dont see value in something that others obviously do and that makes them “idiots”? Gotcha. I dont see this kind of vitriol towards the various box sets bands have offered forever at a much steeper price compared to what you receive. Ill say it again, the whining about this is incredibly confusing.

          • sweetooth0

            Confirmed Wintersun indiegogo backer then? I’ve clearly struck a chord here, ha ha ha.

          • BobLoblaw

            No and not in the least. In that order. That is the safest thing to do on the internet isn’t it? Use conjecture to belittle anyone not bowing to your position like a middle school child?

          • sweetooth0

            you got it man!

          • BobLoblaw

            Well I appreciate the adult conversation there little guy.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Indeed. He should make a super limited edition, highly collectible physical release to make this worthwhile. Not a bunch of digital files that someone is going to put in YouTube as soon as he or she gets them

    • BobLoblaw

      Thought this kind of thought only existed in Wintersuns facebook posts comments. For £50 you get three albums (one being new), instrumental versions of each album and isolated tracks off of two of the albums. In addition to the 5k backgrounds Brenocide desperately wants. And guess what? If you dont want to contribute to the band directly you can always wait for the new album to be released by Nuclear Blast. The whining I see associated with this is confusing.

      • Howard Dean

        It wasn’t whining on my part, cause I don’t care at all about this band and probably wouldn’t listen to their music if they gave it to me. I was just genuinely shocked that a random Finnish metal band had somehow convinced their fans to give them over 350K euros in exchange for a bunch of random digital shit. That’s insane.

        • BobLoblaw

          So what it boils down to is that you take issue with a bands fan base paying for something that they want. Fair enough, everyone is entitled to their own strange thoughts without them being confused with whining. I will correct you on one point though, Wintersun fans convinced THEM to do a crowdfunding campaign not the other way around.

          • Howard Dean

            “So what it boils down to is that you take issue with a bands fan base paying for something that they want. ”

            No, I don’t take issue with people spending money on whatever they want. Hell, if the world suddenly wanted to buy hummus-flavored dildo monogrammed by Scott Baio for $666, I don’t take issue with that. It’s not my money.

            Befuddlement/bewilderment/passive revulsion ≠ taking issue. It’s not like I am going to start a riot or call my congressman because of this. It’s not an issue to me. My comment(s) boil down to this: I am completely and utterly befuddled by fans of this band. I think it’s absurd that this band was able to raise 350K euros by selling random digital shit. But if they can get away with that, more power to them. If I could raise that amount of money doing something similar, you can bet your ass I would, Chachi.

          • BobLoblaw

            What exactly is random about the offering? What is the difference between this and box sets (other than the physical medium being MUCH more expensive)? The band was able to raise that amount of money because people wanted to throw money their way, does that clear up any “passive revulsion”? Or are you automatically revolted by any money grab by artists? I can think of quite a few merch staples that are little more than novelty items but a rational person wouldnt be revolted by others purchasing those items.

          • Howard Dean

            You obviously have a stronger opinion about this (or more at stake) than I do. And you are barking up the wrong tree: I do not buy band merch (shirts, hats, posters, etc), box sets, special editions, or anything besides the actual music itself. I buy music for fair prices–that’s it. I am not a collector or a super fan. The rest of this shit can go get fucked for all I care.

            Would it make you feel better if I said I was also bewildered by people that buy expensive box sets? Or that I was passively repulsed by dudes who pay for autographs and commemorative posters? Because I feel that way. I don’t get that, either. I’m not just singling out Wintersun or any other band that you have strong feelings about, so you can back down. I am revolted by ALL that stupid shit from ALL bands.

            Are we OK now? Does this make sense? Or are you going to insist that I send a personal apology letter to the band for insulting their ridiculous fundraising?

          • BobLoblaw

            Im just discussing man. I have no stake, though i do enjoy their self titled release. Its just there seems to be a lot of vitriol towards this particular instance. From the same people that spend ridiculous amounts of money on out of print CDs, vinyls, limited edition whatevers. I know youre not one of those people but you also dont seem inclined to damning those people in this instance. Some people (musicians especially) see value in what they are offering, if you dont thats cool. Just dont be “repulsed” by it.

    • GL

      The whole thing reeks of ***aggressive farting***.

      GL

    • SomeGuyDude

      Crowdfunded it more than once. AFTER taking all of the label’s money and producing fuck all.

    • Bessie West

      > …………………… https://exglnk.uk/wbf5x

  • Shakes 999

    Outstanding

  • Óðinn

    That’s what I was just thinking. Thanks, Brenocide.

  • Joaquin Stick

    If you’re thinking about skipping the video, I highly recommend you change your mind. Everything about it is spectacular. I would almost swear it was a satire if I didn’t know any better.

    • YOU JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND HOW PASSIONATE HE IS

    • BobLoblaw

      Its almost like english isnt his first language or something.

      • Joaquin Stick

        The delivery is weird, sure but meant the content

  • EsusMoose

    Maybe it was intentional. But that stupid digital art book is 5k.

  • Jari’s facial expressions: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley

  • Rain Poncho W.

    Do you think Jari will host a ToH sauna/barbecue meet if we write some very flattering articles instead? I sure could go for a soak right now.

    • Joe should invite Jari to the Toilet Radio.

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Joe should start a Kickstarter campaign to fly Jari to Austin and have him on the show. And if they make 200% of their target amount, he’ll fly Bren as well for the final, epic battle

        • If our final epic battle is guitar based, I sure hope the panel of judges are stoner Doom fans.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Its The Toilet Ov Hell, of course it will be stoner (and possibly stoned) Doom fans

  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    As soon as I read “Wintersun” I knew it was gonna be a Brenocide article

  • Primordial Chaos

    I like this band, their debut album sounds killer to me, and I like their artworks too: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d1550c40c0bb0ff6f4ee26c143c9d4449f3001c42deb08a7444b880dae8f61f4.jpg

  • I want Jari to stop this Wintersun nonsense and return to the GLORY AND MIGHT OF STUDYING THE SWORD AND MAGIC PATH.

    (I furiously love this song).

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuA3EHh2Y_k

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      This album rules hard.

    • (I also don’t want to see Jari’s face in my whole elfic life again).

    • That whole album is awesome

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    Based on those pictures on the indiegogo…if you told me it was for a string of fantasy themed board games I’d instantly believe you

  • Waynecro

    Wallpapers with color and imagery? Are you a life-loving poser or something? All my screens are black, dude, because I’m TRVE/CVLT as shit. Awesome article, Brenocide. Thanks!

  • Just took a break from watching Scanners on Blu-ray (Criterion Collection, baby) to watch that Wintersun infomercial. What the fuck?? Well, back to my movie.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7b30efe29a9b8c2d180eb765edbd84604f9f39d50addb2b3948d6434f332586f.gif

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    I thought my TV pilot idea was bad but this is the bad idea incarnate. Who needs to do this?

  • Dumpster Lung

    As much as Wintersun has been one giant shitshow ever since Jari started work on a second album, he does come off as genuinely excited, and I really believe all this nonsense is just him being unrealistic and not entirely sane, rather than trying to scam people deliberately (and also not understanding how to make another album without having his own house/studio custom-built for it when a million other masterpieces have been made without one).

    I would say he needs some people in his life to tell him “no” once in a while, but pretty sure Nuclear Blast tried that years ago 😛 At the very least, someone tell him to get some different lighting the next time he makes a video.

    “Can you throw some more gels on these lights? I want to look like I just slid out of a womb in a harshly lit bathroom somewhere.”

  • Doom Scientist

    People are free to spend their money however they choose, and others are equally free to take issue with it.

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      That is true. Id rather spend money to see Skynyrd than buy this though. They’re touring with Hank Williams Jr

      • Doom Scientist

        Agreed, but I have no interest in Hank Williams Jr. I’ll take some “Gimme Three Steps” instead of that overblown bilge anyday.

        • Sid Vicious Promos

          I wish it was Hank 3 they were touring with. I’d still see this tour though.

    • I am free to disagree with what people are free to do.

      • Doom Scientist

        That you are, Sir!

  • Doom Scientist

    Just tried listening to Wintersun, lasted about 5 seconds.

    • Dumpster Lung

      What’d you try listening to? The first album was actually pretty good when it came out. Not sure how the whole thing would hold up at this point, since I haven’t listened to anything aside from the opening track in years, but some corniness aside, it ought to still be pretty decent. That first track was always my favorite. Winter Madness, I think.

      That was as I was discovering a ton of shit though, and I had just gotten through (or perhaps was still in the midst of) a bit of a power metal phase, so that obviously helped.

      • Doom Scientist

        It was some random 12 minute song. I don’t care for Power Metal at all so it would probably all sound the same to me.

        • Beyond The Dark Sun is like one of, if not their best song and ironically their shortest at 2:39.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhGUu6NVXvk

          • Doom Scientist

            Lasted 13 seconds on that track.

          • explains why you think its power metal

          • Doom Scientist

            Whatever it is, don’t care for it.

          • Óðinn

            Wintersun: If it’s not Power Metal, it’s Power Metal adjacent.

          • Doom Scientist

            To my ears, it might as well be Nightwish.

          • This one and Winter Madness are the only Wintersun songs I truly care about.

        • Dumpster Lung

          I mean I wouldn’t quite call Wintersun power metal, but the synths and general atmosphere kinda lean that direction at times, at least for that first album. I barely listened to Time I. Once I heard what the hold-up was for that album, I lost hope that it would be anything besides way overdone and bloated, and it seemed that is what happened 😛

          But anyway, I had the song titles wrong. Beyond the Dark Sun is the first track, which I was thinking of, but it’s more of an intro than anything else. Winter Madness is a better idea of what the rest sounds like:

          (also, no idea why the video is 10 min, the song is only 5, and then there’s a bunch of silence after that)

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ziAsMTs9sg&fmt=18

          • Doom Scientist

            It all has that same overblown production, especially those drums.

  • sopadeloro

    “I measure value only in sweeping guitar solos and lossless compression.”

    The world would be a better place if everyone measured value like that.

  • AndySynn

    Never understood the hype about this band at all. The first album was by far their best offering, and even that was just an above average melodeath album with some flashy soloing, seemingly designed solely for LARP fans to get their LARP on to…

    Plus they are absolutely dull as dishwater live.

  • gacharicmeatspin

    So basically Scott Stapp of our generation.

  • Pentagram Sam

    Thought of something here….

    There’s gonna be two more installments of this shit, so what will THOSE be?

    Think about it. Wintersun has already shot itself in the dick with it’s spotty output. A HUGE reason this was so successful is cos this is new music. AKA three albums in 13 years.

    IF the next two installments for the studio fund are “albums,” wouldn’t this dilute the Wintersun catalog?