The New Black – Long Time Coming: A Video Breakdown

1217
117
Share:

Back in black.

The New Black, not to be confused with the Strapping Young Lad album or the second half of the title of a popular Netflix show, is a German hard rock/heavy metal band on AFM Records. That’s all I really know about the band. According to their bio on AFM’s website, they’ve shared the stage with AC/DC, Black Label Society, and Alter Bridge. That’s, um, quite the list of bands. Apparently, the band also has “ballsy drums”. That sounds more like a horrific medical condition than a positive band description.
“Ballsy drums” sounds like a condition you get in a 50’s sex education video from cranking your shaft too much. Whelp, there’s only one way to find out if the drums are in fact ballsy. Put on your gloves and tighten your goggles. Here’s The New Black’s video for their song “Long Time Coming”.

0:04: That mic smells of bong water and schnitzel.
0:10: So really, it just smells like Blackberry Smoke.
0:16: Holy shit, someone entered the Big Head Mode code into this video.
0:20: Make sure to put in the Konami Code for more lives.
0:25: Song brought to you by almost any Playstation 1 racing game.
0:33: This Magneto cosplay just isn’t working for me.
0:35: Now this “Fred The Baker As The Face Of The Moon” cosplay is right on target.
0:46: Oh, so this is Chernobyl. Now, the giant misshapen head makes more sense.
0:52: Your gargantuan noggin really brings out the ruffles in your shirt.
0:57: Seems like “waiting here” is the least of your problems, Egghead.
1:05: Song brought to you by the MLB playoffs pre-game show.
1:18: Now that’s a quality shot of someone’s tummy.
1:23: “He’ll be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge pillow.
1:29: HEY, LISTEN!
1:32: If Navi looked like that, I think a lot more people would listen.
1:41: Song brought to you by a commercial for to join the Marines.
1:47: “HEY, LISTEN! OVER THERE! THERE, YA STUPID FUCK!”
1:49: “Where? Sorry, my depth perception is all screwy, what with my monstrous cranium and all.”
1:59: “HEY, LISTEN! SEE YOU IN HELL, YOU MELON-HEADED BASTARD!”
2:12: Intense tummy action!
2:19: Song brought to you by the 1998 X Games.
2:30: Dimethulhu!
2:35: See, this is why you don’t eat spicy food right before going to bed.
2:43: Weird. Usually he dreams of running backwards through the forest.
2:48: He has the arm movements of a young Jim Carrey.
2:51: One of the few times the void refuses to stare back.
2:59: He’s falling into Earth’s asshole, isn’t he? Hope he likes Philadelphia.
3:10: Instead of magma, the earth is full of bad photoshops.
3:16: Song brought to you by Pepsi Blue.
3:24: “Why didn’t anyone tell me my nose was so big?”
3:29: Washington Redskins fans are ready for next season.
3:37: “Llllllllllllllllllllladies…”
3:41: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
3:42: Whoa, I was just kidding, but they’re totally going to do it!
3:48: Is that the German version of French kissing?

The New Black’s album A Monster’s Life is out on February 26th via AFM Records.

  • Dubs

    Man, you shoehorned a “So I Married an Axe Murderer” joke in there. Well done.

    • RALPH!

      • Dubs

        HEED! PANTS! NAOW!

        • Boss the Turbid Ross

          IT’S LIKE SPUTNIK!

  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

    Big Head Mode is always fun

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      !!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Pepsi Blue needs to come back now that retro food is getting revived.

  • Waynecro

    This shit cracked me up, man. Thanks a million.

  • Treebeard, Father of Fangorn

    Humans, I must call to your attention a festival that will commence in an appropriate amount of time. It is not expensive, and the band from the foul place known as Cirith Ungol will be performing. I hope to join you at this moot.

    https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/12642623_1730819830496610_7980367312513692044_n.jpg?oh=abeec97d73fd3a87df737b9770189835&oe=574017D4

    • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

      Daaaaaaaaamn, Gina!

    • Boss the Turbid Ross

      I would very much enjoy joining you at this moot, good tree, but it is many leagues and many steps to take in order to join one so noble.

    • Betty White’s Chewy Booger

      Poor guy’s trying to look epic n all, but it looks like he either split his undies or nutted on himself.

  • Get your shit together. Put it all in a backpack. All your shit. So it’s together.

    • more beer

      COOKIES!

      • Oh my yes.

        • more beer

          And my new MMJ card came today. It was about to expire on the 9th. I can’t be having that.

          • Not acceptable, agreed.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            None of us should have to go without, brothers.

            I also happened by a Highlands IPA i havent tried before. Its delish, like all their beers.

          • more beer

            It is like that here. There are some breweries I know no matter what I am drinking from them. I know it will be good. I wouldn’t have had to go without. It just that the taxes on recreational weed is like 5 times more than Medicinal.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Thanks, Obama

          • more beer

            Actually it wasn’t Obama It is Governor Hickenlooper and the greedy city governments here. But Obama does accept the federal taxes from the weed business. All the while not changing the Scheduling for herb.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            I was just lolling.

            Hickenloopers a funny name. My states (now infamously) run by a bunch of tea partiers and corpratists. itll be a while before that passes here

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Although we did finally re-legalize the growing of hemp for industrial purposes, i think.

          • Waynecro

            I’ve read good things about the medicinal properties of topical hemp oil. But those could just be the ramblings of hippies who like to rub oil on each other.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Well pretty much the entirety of the hemp plant can be used for industrial goods (cloths and fabrics). Mich like weed, hemp seems to be a wonderplant

          • more beer

            I have used some marijuana based cremes for knees. They are old and hurt at times. They really worked well.

          • Most, if not all, of the supposed benefits are legit.

          • more beer

            They never should have stopped growing hemp ever.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Blame the old racist cotton families in the south

          • more beer

            It was a threat to their continued wealth.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Still is
            That and the remaining tobacco farmers, and corn farmers

            Smart ones will jump on it

          • more beer

            He was a brewery owner and against legal weed. Thankfully the way the state constitution is written. The people can get ballot initiatives put on the ballots to be put to the vote. Then if it passes it gets added to the state constitution.

          • Something he could do with the stroke of a pen(i.e. exec order).

          • more beer

            But he has chosen not to.

          • Yep.

          • Betty White’s Chewy Booger

            Something he could do with the stroke of a pen(i.s. exec order).

            FTFY

          • Betty White’s Chewy Booger
  • more beer

    No offense Mr. 365. But why would anyone care when their new album is coming out? I made it maybe a minute into this song before I could take no more.

    • I now mention the release date and label for every breakdown and even though you didn’t like it, maybe someone else would.

      • more beer

        I was just wondering. I don’t think I ever noticed that before.

        • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

          Usually that and the record label and the bands socialnets. It is considerate, however unnecessary

          • more beer

            I understand that. I just usually see the music posted on Video Breakdown. As listen at your own risk..

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            “Hahahahhaha thats hilarious”
            “Oh, im glad you liked it. Its only 10 dollars, comes free with flash drive”
            “Hahhahhahaha”

          • more beer

            That’s funny!

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Thanks, Obama

  • JWEG
  • Speed Clown and the HI-Hats
  • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

    Cruz and Clinton @ the moment? Gods help us

    • Out of those two Clinton will win easily but, ugh.

      • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

        If i wanted to vote republican, i would sure vote for clinton

        • All I can say is I’ll vote, but it won’t be for Trump or Bloomberg. That’s the best I can do. Legalization is on the ballot in MA so it’s still worth it.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Its all about the supreme court

          • more beer

            That’s right. Free the weed! I won’t be voting for either of them. If one of them gets elected we are fucked.

      • more beer

        I don’t like those choices!

        • Neither do I.

          • more beer

            Bernie is holding his own.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Theyre both gonna be pretty split

          • I’m still hoping.

          • more beer

            It is so close. Even if Hillary wins it’s still like a tie. If O’Malley didn’t get 1% of the vote it would be dead even.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Same strategy Obama used against Hillary

          • more beer

            As long as she loses again come convention time.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Nah, shes got DWS and the DNC/DLC coronating her twat.

          • Ewww

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            HAH

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Guys . . . A moment of silence. Huckabee is suspending his campaign

          • JWEG

            Poor guy has fallen a loooong way since he was almost the nominee in 2008.

            At least there’s every other election yet to come between now and when he joins the Choir Invisible (Country & Western division).

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Is that something to do with a comet?

          • JWEG

            The fallen part? I don’t know. Maybe I was subconsciously making a subversive comparison between Huckabee and a certain Fallen Angel.

            The Choir Invisible was my way of getting Monty Python into it. And yes. That means I’m calling a Mike Huckabee a Dead Parrot…

            …unless ‘es just sleeping.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Man im going to bed
            https://youtu.be/Do3nNV6nT8g

          • Betty White’s Chewy Booger

            RIP, Huckleberry Finn.

          • O’Malley is about to end his campaign.

          • more beer

            He really isn’t a viable candidate.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            O’malley is more viable than any republican candidate

          • more beer

            But not in his own party right now. JJD is a more viable candidate then any of the Republicans.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Hed listen to their music, too

          • more beer

            Of course he would.

          • Betty White’s Chewy Booger

            JJD would have the senior citizen demographic on lockdown!

          • more beer

            And suburban dads.

          • Betty White’s Chewy Booger

            Shit, I didn’t even know he was running until a week or so ago.
            He’ll try to throw his support behind whoever wins the nomination, which will go like “oh, thanks for your support! You know how much this means to us. Who are you again, and why are you not mopping the floors on the clock?”

          • It would seem that even 0.5% could make a difference in Iowa.

          • LVL 11 BLACKBEARD

            Yep. Fuck Martin Omalley, he should have dropped out months ago

          • It’s still too close to call.

          • more beer

            It’s crazy it’s a draw pretty much.

          • more beer

            Ted Cruz is terrifying!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    I’m almost halfway through writing the lyrics for my opus Kohoutek. Prepare yourselves.

    “This album just grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go ever. You’ll need a hug after listening to it because of how dark it is”

    -Anonymous reviewer

    • How could I get that scared about a non-existent comet?

      • Sir Tapir The Based

        JJD is the new David Berg

    • Anonymous Reviewer reviewed the album before it was finished? Is this Anonymous a time traveler?

    • Dubs

      Is that anonymous reviewer you or your sister?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Yes.

  • Óðinn
  • Betty White’s Chewy Booger