It’s my party and I’ll die if I want to. Die if I want to. Die if I want to.
It is Halloween. You want to throw a party for your friends. You want them to boogie until the witching hour. But you don’t want to embarrass yourself with some basic bitch “spooky” tunes by hacks like Marilyn Manson or Cradle of Filth or fucking Thriller. And the last thing you want to do is cop out with Type O Negative’s “Black No. 1” like last year and the year before that. You want to scare the bujeezus out of everyone and send them running for the door–which you have locked because you are not exactly what professionals in the medical field would call “well”. Here’s a list of fun and freaky tunes to set the perfect mood, and tips on how to dance to them.
Death – “Regurgitated Guts”
We’re gonna kick things off with an oldie-but-goodie that screams class. You could just start kicking over furniture or brew up a circle pit as soon as the first riff kicks in. That would be fine. But for something less ign’ant, try hunching over at an 80º angle and mimicking a fast scooping motion about your midsection, as if your guts are falling out of your abdomen and you are frantically trying to shovel them back inside before they hit the floor. Shuffle your feet to avoid stepping on them.
Ulver – “Hymn I: Wolf and Fear”
Keep the energy at a fever pitch with this sick and not at all classy jam. As the spirit of the wolf enters you through pulse-pounding blastbeats and serrated tremolo licks, do your best impression of a lycanthropic transformation. For reference: The Howling (1981), An American Werewolf in London (also 1981) or Being Human (U.S. or U.K., doesn’t matter). Writhe in unearthly agony and howl with violence as your skin is ruptured and your bones crack and your face splits to reveal a bloodsoaked snout (use the pretty acoustic interludes to top off your cup of Everclear Punch). Just remember to keep the beat as you change. And if you’ve imbibed absinthe or consumed any psychotropic substances in advance, try to remember that this is not real.
Den of Apparition – “Dusk of Endlessness”
It is time to dial things back a touch with something way off the beaten path. Your guests will no doubt be winded at this point. They may be confused as to whether or not this is even a song, so you are going to have to display some fierce charisma and leadership skills to keep them dancing. Your best bet is to encourage them all to mime stabbing motions in time to the slasher-synth motif (actual knives semi-optional). Pretend you are sneaking up on your date in the shower, knife in hand. Don’t be afraid to mime a gratuitous boob shot as you fall prey to your dance-partner’s bloodlust.
Corpus Delicti – “Circle”
Now we cut through some of the uncanny confusion instilled by whatever that last track was with something imminently danceable. You’ll probably figure it out on your own within ten seconds, but the proper way to bump n’ grind to this ditty is to skip and twirl in a unified clockwise or counterclockwise direction like a bunch of nude pagans around a ceremonial pyre. Lewd gestures
optional strongly encouraged.
Caput Mortuum – “The Darkstar in Eternal Sleep”
It is time to stop fucking around. Let’s kick the freak factor up a notch or six with this smooth beat-fest. Imagine you are at a rave where Satan Himself is the DJ. However that makes you want to move, do it. Just be yourself. Yourself at a Satanic Rave. Unless you are Zak Bagans. Then for the love of Darkness be anyone else.
Slow jam time. Let’s put a little romance in the air, yeah? Grab your guy or gal, hold them close and just swaaaaaaaaaaay. Press your cheeks together. Look into one another’s eyes. Feel the love.
Gnaw Their Tongues – “Thieves with Swollen Tongues”
Enough of this touchy-feely bullshit. Blast this most alienating of tracks and stand still. Do not dance. Do not move. If you do you might die.
Ministry – “Dream Song”
Your guests are probably still a little on edge. Some of them want to go home. Most of them are terrified and don’t know what to do with themselves. There’s no shame in falling to the floor and weeping at this point. In fact, it is mandatory. Squirm like a child stuck in a nightmare and cry out for your mommies and daddies. And no matter how intoxicated you are, just don’t actually go to sleep or you will most definitely never wake up.
Misfits – “Skulls”
The witching hour is upon you. Party’s Over. Time to die. Crank this barn-burner at full volume, grab the nearest sharp object and peel off your face. No–do not pretend to peel off your face. Actually peel it off. Offer up the fundamental truth of your facial and cranial architecture for the admiration of your guests and encourage them to do likewise. Trade faces if you feel so inclined. But remember to keep dancing, even with all that blood in your eyes, because this is a dance party and no one is getting out alive. Rave 2 Tha Grave, Bitches!