The Enemies of Female Intimacy: Richard Dawkins To Appear On The Next Nightwish Album

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Hello Toilet Dwellers, Basement Dwellers, Void Dwellers, Coal Rollers, Trollers, Lifelovers, Lovelifers, Lucifers, and other nerds of various degrees. Due to the fact that you are reading this on an indie metal blog, the fact that many of you also read other metal outlets, and the fact that this news was released more than a month ago, I am sure all of you know by now that Richard Dawkins is to make a guest appearance on the new Nightwish album; scheduled (presumably pronounced by Nightwish/Richard Dawkins fans as “Shed-uled”) for release in 2015.

Now, I consider myself to be somewhat of a pop-culture guru. You cannot become famous for nothing if you don’t know the ropes of celebrity life, after all. I predicted that Kim K would release a reality show after her sextape, I predicted that Ke$ha would make it big after her cameo on Right Round, and I predicted that 3OH!3 would disappear into The Void of Obscurity after that song with Katy Perry. The point is, I have an eye for these things, and I kind of saw this one coming. When I first watched the documentary “Enemies of Reason” starring Dawkins in 2008, I said to myself, “This pretentious, whiny-voiced, jackrabbit-lookin’ motherfucker either listens to metal or will collaborate with a metal band at some point in his career.”

The spoken-word recording that Dawkins is going to contribute will appear on Nightwish’s new album. They have not released the name of this album yet. However, based on Dawkins’ main area of expertise, and how Nightwish  just released t-shirts named Find The Origins, I’d imagine this recording is going to have something to do with evolution. Because this recording involves both Nightwish and (obviously) Richard Dawkins, I would bet Tinkerbell on a butcher block that it will just reek of pretension. I mean, Tuomas Holopainen’s vocalization on Dawkin’s “thought plays” pretty much sets the tone, “”I’m reading them at the moment. I was just reading it an hour ago,” “The Magic Of Reality’ [Dawkins’ 2011 book] it’s called, and it has the most beautifully written introduction to science ever. Just full of thought plays. It’s great.”

I can just see it now. Some staunch, obnoxious IMN sucking back his e-cig, stroking the neckbeard on his multiple chins, and wearing a smug grin because Holopainen and Dawkins will “really be sticking it to those religious sheeple”, despite the fact that the tens of people that will hear this recording will also be also be staunch, obnoxious, atheist IMNs.

Holopainen truly is a model of intellect, class, and logic.

Holopainen truly is a model of intellect, class, and logic.

I don’t really listen to Nightwish, most likely because I started having sex before I left high school, so I’m not even sure why I’m writing on this. I should point out that I do not have a problem with Nightwish or Atheism, but I am not exactly the biggest Richard Dawkins fan.

I believe that Dick Hawkins is an intelligent dude. However, being intelligent does not make you smart (if that makes sense). Richard Dawkins is not a smart dude. Is he Intelligent? Yes. Smart? No. A smart person can let their biases go, look at the bigger picture, and concentrate on using their talents to improve lives for others rather than chase a personal vendetta. For example, Dawkins has stated in many of his documentaries and essays that there would be a better chance of no wars being fought on Earth if religion did not exist. That is the most asinine concept I’ve ever heard. He’s studied models of animal-decision making, for fuck’s sakes. Does he actually think that if religion did not exist, people wouldn’t still go to war just the same? We’d fight the exact amount we do now. Look at the comments section of any metal blog. Hell, look at the comments section of LITERALLY ANY WEBSITE. You cannot tell me that us humans have a tendency to fight over the most trivial bullshit, and not having any religion on Earth would not change that.

Smart people can make the choice to respect other people’s beliefs and attitudes, so long as they do not hurt anybody. After all, their beliefs are theirs, and they have their reasons for them. It may not make sense to you, but it doesn’t have to because it has nothing to do with you. No matter what your belief is, you shouldn’t have to justify it to others because it belongs to you and it’s important to you. Smart people do not think they are so fucking important that they can tell people what they should or should not believe. Smart people do not have egos so large that they cannot comprehend that some things have nothing to do with them, so they don’t fucking act like it does.

As for atheism, I think the faith (or lack thereof?) needs a better spokesperson than Richard fucking Dawkins. The belief deserves someone who can demonstrate that Atheists have a good moral compass (every faith has good and bad people, and people of all faiths do bad things, no matter how you slice it), not someone who goes out of his way to be disrespectful to other faiths and beliefs (including feminism). There’s many problems with all faiths, but many of them stem from complex issues, not usually caused by practicing individuals. Dawkins does seem to understand this, and encourages people to mock religious people publicly. The dude has his head so far up his ass he tells people to mock militant atheists publicly. I feel that if a person encourages their message to be spread with public shaming and intimidation, it’s not a very good message. Most Atheists that I know are smart, kind, and humble people. C’mon guys, you can do better than this ass-hat. From what I’ve seen in his documentaries and interviews, he just strikes me as a bully. At the end of the day, a bully is a bully, even if they do conceal it with a purpose.

 After all of the honey-related injustices he’s had to suffer, can you really blame him?


After all of the honey-related injustices he’s had to suffer, can you really blame him?

 

But hey, this is coming from a 2-bit metal-blogger who calls themself Paris Hilton; so please take this post with a grain of salt and a lime. Anyway, if you want to find out more about the new Nightwish album or whatever, check out their website or Facebook page.

 

*Author’s Note: I do believe that everyone has a right to their beliefs, but I do agree with Dawkins on astrology. That shit is just ridiculous.*


Will you stand by Dawkins despite this surely embarrassing recording? Am I a brainwashed idiot sheeple who can’t think for themself and has not experienced euphoria? Is Holopainen’s facial hair proof enough that there is no God!? Discuss these topics and more in the comments!

 

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  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    bill clinton did 911

  • ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  • GL

    …”humans have a tendency to fight over the most trivial bullshit.”

    Oh please!!!!! Coal is the future for US energy production! I have the right to coal in this country and by God (god?) I will burn that shit till @JimGordon dies of breathing complications.

    GL

    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      ROLLIN COAL LIFESTYLE BITCHES!

      JUST A THOUGHT: BANDS SHOULD TOUR LIKE THIS…NO MORE VANS!

      • GL

        Roller, coal coller,
        I’m a bitching metal roller.
        Fuck your petrol and your EPA
        I roll over Prius’s everyday.

        GL

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          PHUCK YEA BROSEFF!

        • not my prius

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            SWEET RIDE BRUH!

          • Now THAT is a chick magnet! Imagine rolling up to the club in that bad boy!

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        This is how I roll. I don’t haul anything, I just like to kill birds and give kids asthma and shit!

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          ITS BEAUTIFUL BABY!! (streaming tears of joy!)

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            Stay void!

    • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void

      MULTIPLE IDENTITY TROLL SPAM #A LOT

  • thexenosapien

    OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pt2XjkRmRZ0

  • Spear

    I fucking hate Nightwish. I fucking hate Richard Dawkins. This album is going to be the “Lulu” of philosophy.

    • yesss

      edit: didn’t want the ‘science, bitch’ meme.. sorry! 🙁

    • KJM

      This will be a true singularity of suck. Not even light will be able to escape this shit.

      • Spear

        A black hole of banality.

    • Stockhausen

      The Lulu of philosophy. Perfect.

    • NefariousDude

      I watched v for vendetta the first time the other night. I couldn’t handle the euphoria.

    • VV.

      I bet some professional quote-maker came up with that.

    • KJM

      I’ll take the euphoria that comes from a packed bowl of Sour Diesel, thanks.

      • Jelly. You say “euphoria”, I say “intense paranoia and phantom physical pain”.

        • Akercocke ov Steele

          “Phantom Pain” Now there’s a good title.

        • KJM

          That always amazes me how different people react to herbs. I also have friends who can’t take certain types of opiates when they get hospitalized with pain. One friend who has stomach issues has to take Vicodin/Dilaudid rather than Percocet/Morphine because the latter makes him really sick.

          • George Clarke

            opiates make most people have tummy aches. i recommend taking an OTC antihistamine like diphenhydramine with vicodins/percs/morphine and the like. should do the trick to get rid of any upset tummy feels

          • GL

            what if the tummy aches are due to copious amounts of pumpkin pie?

            GL

          • George Clarke

            i recommend taking a break and sparking up a fat blunt and maybe eating more pumpkin pie later

          • KJM

            Or just eat some yogurt, either one.

          • Paris Hilton

            The herb used to chill me out, but it just 180’d. I can’t even smoke it anymore, it just gives me a panic attack.

          • KJM

            Yeah, that happened to another friend of mine. He smoked for years ok then BAM, he starts getting panic attacks from it. Trust me, I’m grinning like an idiot right now.

          • That’s why you stick with a healthy alternative, like Krokodil.

          • KJM

            w/ an Opana chaser.

    • Elite Extremöphile

      Michael Keene, is that you?

      • Gvrp

        I’m wondering if this will be as euphoric as that The Faceless track.

  • Tyree
  • Tom Waits For Death

    Dawkins is an intelligent dick. Who the hell wants an intelligent dick around? I’d rather think in me brain.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz1iNl7Bng4

    • Tyree

      NICE!

    • Tom Waits For Death

      36:30 for John Holmes VHS Nightclub

    • Gloryhole Castration

      Fucking love me some Perturbator!

  • I still like Nightwish.. but I was thinking about this movement when I saw the notes in their forum. I didn’t even knew who Dawkins was and I researched a bit with Google.. From what I saw: he’s the stereotype of the Religious Atheist, trying to ridiculize other people because their beliefs and preaching the ‘miracles of science’… Hope Saint Dawkins saves us from enviroment disaster with his faith of science…

    When you have people so self-centered you have the danger of swim in treading waters.. To me, it was a bad move. Hope they don’t get so preachy like Mark Jansen of Epica… His lyrics are so pretentious…

    • Tom Waits For Death

      There remains hope that Dawkins is only there to talk evolution biology, which wouldn’t be that bad.

      • I hope so, mate… I sincerely hope so, because I liked the Imaginaerum vibes..

        • Spear

          I lost a lot of interest in Nightwish when I realized the main riff in “Imaginareum” was also the main riff in “Master Passion Greed” from Dark Passion Play. They’re out of ideas.
          Edit: I meant “Storytime.” oops

          • I nearly skipped Dark Passion Play (just listened Amartanth, The Islander, Cadence of… and the folky instrumental).. Didn’t realize that, thanks for the tip

      • Gvrp

        Apparently he hasn’t actually done any research since the 70’s.

        • Tom Waits For Death

          Too busy going dumdum.

  • NefariousDude

    The Kvlt Delusion

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    I was recently pretty pleased by this nailing of Dawkins by fellow atheist and genuinely smart dude John Gray. Well worth a read http://www.newrepublic.com/article/119596/appetite-wonder-review-closed-mind-richard-dawkins

  • Tom Waits For Death

    As someone not too avidly following Dawkins, what’s this about him being so strongly against feminism?

    • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      he’s a “shll you love to hate” actor/chesspiece—not real—sort of in the tradition of david icke/alex jones—-“misdirection——–
      projects pro atheistic arguments—-to percieved “non atheist” audiences

      then is shown to be a “loser”-cuz he doesnt support other “non related” pro agenda 21 issues
      0—
      so that “malcontents” can still be libtardedly brainwashed–with misdirection

      (audience percieves that the discussion is about “religion”—while they are indoctrinated with other non related agenda 21 issues_)
      —–
      short term “disposable “—media chesspieces—-

      pretty much –the only types that are allowed to discourse —in the controlled post 911 inside job msm

  • KJM

    Ha! How did I know “you” wrote this before I even finished the 1st paragraph? Haha!

  • Gvacamole Jim

    I hate the atheist/religion debate industry. Its about being an arrogant, self-assured, bully, and people pay stupid amounts of money to watch the “experts” fight, only to have their own beliefs validated. I’ve got a lot of very highly intelligent atheistic, agnostic, and religious friends, and I’ve never had an interaction with them, religious discussion or otherwise, that even came close to the “debates” I’ve seen between any of the religious apologists and modern atheists.

    Back on topic, fucking funny article. And I think Holopainen’s beard may have just shaken my faith…

    • Elite Extremöphile

      Yeah, it’s almost like what someone chooses to believe has no real effect on their personality or intelligence. But that’s obviously bullshit because richard dawkins tells me that you have to be stupid to practice faith, and he’s never wrong!

  • MoshOff

    Thanks Paris.
    Side note: Holopainen recently released a concept album about Scrooge McDuck. That is all.

    • Gvacamole Jim

      DUDE. What the fuck was up with that Scrooge McDuck album?? Was there even an explanation?

      • Tom Waits For Death

        He’s a huge fan and has wanted to make a soundtrack for years.

        • Gvacamole Jim

          I’m scared to ask… do you like it?

          • Tom Waits For Death

            … two songs are not that bad and his wife/gf/thingy has a seductive voice.

          • Gvacamole Jim

            Well, that’s fair enough. I’ve done some pretty shameful things because of a seductive voice.

      • MoshOff

        It’s the best and most important epic tale of the last 10 generations and was in desperate need of awful accompanying music, duh.

      • Gvrp

        I hear Scrooge is actually really popular in Finland.

        • Gvacamole Jim

          For real? It seems like a colossal joke to me…

          • Tom Waits For Death

            Scrooge and the whole Donald Duck is agigantic superhero-level thing here. It doesn’t get any bigger.

          • Duck Tales was a fantastic cartoon!

        • Tom Waits For Death

          Yep

  • Hubert, Goat ov Doom (and Void
  • Count_Breznak

    Belief is a silly concept.

    • MoshOff

      In the words of the late Seth Putnam, “caring about anything is gay”.

      • KJM

        ‘You Care About Stuff, You’re Gay’ – unreleased A.C. track.

  • MoshOff

    Speaking of Nightwish, am I the only one who has a maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaajor crush on Floor Jansen? I’ve never heard more than like 3 Nightwish songs, but I’ve known her from a bunch of other projects. KILLER voice.

    Angry Nightwish nerds seem to think she’s ugly. Denizens ov the Toilet, what say you?

    • GL

      “caring about anything is gay”

      GL

      • MoshOff

        Except boobs, GL. You should know that better than anyone.

    • Angry Nightwish Nerds are really weird.. You must enter the band forum and ask something to them, it’s weiiird…

    • KJM

      Absolutely fine.

    • Gvacamole Jim

      She’s better looking than both Tarja and Her Forehead of Glimmering Doom, and the cave troll Anette. Personally, I think she’s a superior singer as well, and that’s the real criteria. Too bad Nightwish blows my hairy anus.

      • MoshOff

        Forehead ov Glimmering Doom needs to be a thing, like, now.

  • IronLawnmower

    I wonder if the deluxe edition will include a free fedora.

    • Stockhausen

      Oh totally. And a mouse hand wrist brace, for those all-day raids.

      • IronLawnmower

        Maybe some cross promotion with mountain dew and Linux?

        • hey bub leave the L word out of this!

          • IronLawnmower

            I have ubuntu on my USB it’s all good.

          • yeah but i had ubuntu before it was cool
            aw crap, now i’ve gone and done it!

          • KJM

            I occasionally play around with Unbuntu on VMware, but that’s about it.

          • i did the full swap years ago and haven’t looked back. now i run WinXP on my VirtualBox; but the only thing i need that for is to load music on my Zune 😉

      • long raids are painful!

  • Xan

    Excellently written post. I’ve always hated the “all war stems from religion” fallacy. I’ve studied various religions for about fifteen years now and it has been my experience that every religion just wants peace and to be left alone. The extremists are the ones who take it too far.

    • Lacertilian

      If every religion wanted to be left alone we wouldn’t have door-knocking, TV evangelist shows, internet cults and the endless stream of missionaries trying to recruit the sick, old & poor into their cult.
      Extremism stems from faith/belief.

  • CT-12

    Totally agree here with you Paris, and furthermore, I don’t think there should be anyone trying to represent or be a figurehead in the atheist community, it’s fucking pointless (until our rights are encroached on).

    • Lacertilian

      Rights have been encroached on in many countries for many centuries.

      It is only in recent history that secularists have had any progress in removing these ingrained religiously-based ‘laws’. Every time anything is removed from society that was imposed by a religion/belief, those who purport it cry foul.

      I don’t think Richard Dawkins is the figurehead of atheism, and if someone believes he is, they have made that assertion, not him (to my knowledge).

      • Penn Jillette!

        • Lacertilian

          Is he worth listening to?
          I haven’t given him a chance yet as I tend to look down on illusionist-types these days. Something about magicians does not sit well with me.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPXvAM9blow

          • for the most part. his podcasts go on too long though, he’s better in short doses

          • Lacertilian

            Do you Proopcast?

          • i didn’t know this was a thing, now i’m happy to go home and listen to all of them

          • Lacertilian

            I only found it a few months ago.
            Try and listen in order though, fair amount of call backs & running gags.

  • Paris Hilton

    I didn’t even know this was up until now lmfao it is what it is…

    • Lacertilian

      Today Paris, you have rustled my jimmies.
      Alas, it was not due to Nightwish.

    • Shit, I’m sorry dude. I’ll be sure to hit you up well in advance next time.

  • From the mastermind of Nightwish came a fucking CD about Scrooge McDuck.

    http://metalsucks.junipconcepts.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Tuomas-Holopainen-The-Life-and-Times-of-Scrooge.jpg

    Only thing that could top this is a Darkthrone CD about Flintheart Glumgold!

    • serious though, the beginning of the Duck Tales cartoon (the 5-parter) is about as good as TV gets

  • “As for atheism, I think the faith (or lack thereof?) needs a better spokesperson than Richard fucking Dawkins”

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WeSawQcQAPE/UUpoHkRLGdI/AAAAAAAABCw/uKbEBn0wjF0/s400/george_carlin_from_dogma.jpg

  • Th’load&th’road

    I don’t give a fuck about nightwish, and I agree that this will likely be a cheesefest- but ferfuxsakes if you really think that people’s religious beliefs do no harm, and we should all just hold hands and get along, apparently it’s been awhile since you read any news?!? I mean actual news, not a metal blog. Dawkins is getting shit on this site??? Are my fellow metal heads really as stupid as Ben fuckin Affleck, and fall for this kumbaya bullshit that Dawkins-Harris et al are bigots for stating the obvious about the harm that “faith based beliefs” are causing, have caused, and will cause if we nobody calls bullshit on it – meanwhile these christian nuts in america deny climate science, want to deny womens reproductive rights, lgbt rights, everybodys rights but their own?? who do you think is more likely to attempt to stifle atheistic or blasphemous expression found in this music we all love? Dawkins or your christian/muslim friends? Wow this post makes me very sad…reads like a fox news segment. Of course there’s room for opinions and assholes and I don’t agree with EVERYTHING Dawkins or anybody else says. But what would the attitude expressed toward him in this post get us? A full republican theocracy? No thanks. And ferfuxsakes atheism is not a belief or a faith, it’s a conclusion based on reality and evidence. Ask a gay friend or a Danish cartoonist if it matters. That which is ridiculous is deserving of ridicule