The Contortionist – Primordial Sound: A Video Breakdown
I don’t know much about The Contortionist. You may know them as “That band that’s not Periphery”. The Contortionist just kind of popped up on my radar while looking at tour dates for other bands I don’t really know. I recently saw a list of bands playing for Warped Tour and had no idea if the list was legitimate or someone just made up a bunch of bands. I’m pretty sure that’s just called “getting old”. Lousy kids with their palm mutes and their selfies and their naked Snapchattings.
0:03: Oh jeez
0:10: No no no no
0:16: Stop it.
0:23: Seriously, stop this right now.
0:28: Hey kids, ratty mustaches aren’t just for 14 year olds anymore!
0:35: If he plays “Chopsticks” I’ll be so happy.
0:46: I’d also settle for “Waltzing Matilda”.
0:57: So, uh, when do things get “primordial”?
1:07: Goblin called. They want the 1970’s back.
1:16: The Contortionist presented by Nyquil PM.
1:24: Pull it back, camera guy.
1:28: Hand fetishism. Look it up. Not at work.
1:32: He’s either really feeling the music or having a mild stroke.
1:49: Suffering from insomnia? Try The Contortionist!
2:06: Those are some pearly whites.
2:15: Actually, just about everything in this band is super white.
2:27: They were required to wear black just so they wouldn’t blend into the background.
2:36: I think this is a step below “band playing in a warehouse”. At least a warehouse has character.
2:41: This dude is all neck and face. He’s like a human Diglet.
2:57: This is slightly more exciting than Triptykon’s video for “Tree Of Suffocating Souls”. Slightly.
3:10: It’s nice that they allowed their younger brother Chad to play in the band.
3:14: OMG the BR00taLZzzzzZ!
3:25: Barely moving your mouth to growl is so hot right now.
3:36: Yeah, yeah. “You don’t know.” We get it.
3:48: Food goes in here!
4:01: Noooooooooo no no nooooo no nooo
4:10: Cottonelle should use this song in their commercials.
4:17: Or Bounty. They’re straight up Bounty soft.
4:26: That windmilling is uncalled for, sir. People are trying to sleep.
4:34: Aaaaaand an extra long shot of the Pearl drums. Pearl, you can just leave the giant sack with a dollar sign on it at the front door when you leave.
4:40: Skeet skeet skeet!
4:51: Never has the word “primordial” been so misused.