The Contortionist – Primordial Sound: A Video Breakdown

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S-A-W-F-T SAWFT!

I don’t know much about The Contortionist. You may know them as “That band that’s not Periphery”.  The Contortionist just kind of popped up on my radar while looking at tour dates for other bands I don’t really know. I recently saw a list of bands playing for Warped Tour and had no idea if the list was legitimate or someone just made up a bunch of bands. I’m pretty sure that’s just called “getting old”. Lousy kids with their palm mutes and their selfies and their naked Snapchattings.

0:03: Oh jeez

0:10: No no no no

0:16: Stop it.

0:23: Seriously, stop this right now.

0:28: Hey kids, ratty mustaches aren’t just for 14 year olds anymore!

0:35: If he plays “Chopsticks” I’ll be so happy.

0:46: I’d also settle for “Waltzing Matilda”.

0:57: So, uh, when do things get “primordial”?

1:07: Goblin called. They want the 1970’s back.

1:16: The Contortionist presented by Nyquil PM.

1:24: Pull it back, camera guy.

1:28: Hand fetishism. Look it up. Not at work.

1:32: He’s either really feeling the music or having a mild stroke.

1:49: Suffering from insomnia? Try The Contortionist!

2:06: Those are some pearly whites.

2:15: Actually, just about everything in this band is super white.

2:27: They were required to wear black just so they wouldn’t blend into the background.

2:36: I think this is a step below “band playing in a warehouse”. At least a warehouse has character.

2:41: This dude is all neck and face. He’s like a human Diglet.

2:57: This is slightly more exciting than Triptykon’s video for “Tree Of Suffocating Souls”. Slightly.

3:10: It’s nice that they allowed their younger brother Chad to play in the band.

3:14: OMG the BR00taLZzzzzZ!

3:25: Barely moving your mouth to growl is so hot right now.

3:36: Yeah, yeah. “You don’t know.” We get it.

3:48: Food goes in here!

4:01: Noooooooooo no no nooooo no nooo

4:10: Cottonelle should use this song in their commercials.

4:17: Or Bounty. They’re straight up Bounty soft.

4:26: That windmilling is uncalled for, sir. People are trying to sleep.

4:34: Aaaaaand an extra long shot of the Pearl drums. Pearl, you can just leave the giant sack with a dollar sign on it at the front door when you leave.

4:40: Skeet skeet skeet!

4:51: Never has the word “primordial” been so misused.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(Photo VIA)

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  • GL

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      Axl hates Kenny Roger’s Roasters and their delicious roasted chicken

      #AxFacts

      • KJM

        Axl loves “Club Ninja”.

        #AxFacts

        • …Ellipsis…

          Axl has no opinion on socks and saddles.

          #AxFacts

  • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

    How is this not a WOTW winner already?

    Edit: this sounds exactly like what you get if you mixed 311 and Periphery. And its awful.

    • High school kids who like weed and Carl Sagan are stoked

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Dude, we, like… know so… little about the, uh… universe and stuff, man…

        • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

          *goes out back with KJM to smoke a blunt*

          • KJM

            I have better weed and better books, not to mention better music.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            Better weed and books than moi!? Combined we’re a blunt smoking dynamo!

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

      I like 311. Fight me.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        There’s a shock.

      • KJM

        It rustles my jimmies on a cosmic scale that bands like 311, Sublime, and The Bosstones(to a lesser degree) became popular and made lots of cash when the real trendsetters, Bim Skala Bim(a band that all the former bands have played with before they hit big), languish in relative obscurity.

        • One of my very few dealbreakers: I can’t be friends with a Sublime fan.

          • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

            I can’t be friends with a Nirvana fan, so I know how it is.

          • They still play Sublime on the radio so you know exactly who to avoid when they start singing along.

          • VVorld Peace

            Sublime is one of thos ebands that could cause me to chop you in the neck.

  • HessianHunter

    hay i like dis band an their S-A-F-T weedly-deedlies
    but ok lol

    • HessianHunter

      This song is hella boring, though. Can’t front about that.

  • Gvacamole Jim

    I have never heard this band before….. and I seriously dug it. Their chords were cool, the vibe was chill but the grooves were solid. But a serious lol at the video breakdown, especially the “Human Diglett” comment.

  • I’ve now watched the S-A-W-F-T video 3 times. “S-A-W-F-T” will be screaming in my ears as I futilely try to sleep tonight.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan’s Spooky To

    Don’t insult Goblin. They wrote great soundtracks.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Rocking a crappy Planet Waves guitar strap in your video = wearing sweatpants to your own wedding.

    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

      *trailer pants

      • CyberneticOrganism

        fixed

        • will we get to do another photoshop-off anytime soon? twas lots of fun!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Yes! There’s another one in the queue right now, it should appear this week.

  • I can’t think of a thing they could have done to make this video less interesting. The song sounds like Cynic with everything good about Cynic removed.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Didn’t watch (videos suck). Just listened. Poop, with a side shit.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Wait… so did the poop let out a side shit, or is this someone who shits and then shits again like 2 minutes later and considers it a side shit?

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I see you’re perplexed. My work here is done.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p34j0atQdJo

        • JamesGrimm

          great scene from a great movie.

        • Stockhausen

          One of the related videos was of a person vacuuming a duck. Carry on.

  • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

    the disappointing nature of humankind — bleating mindless masses — the exorbitant trvth in numbers — by rights our finest moment under the sun

    ——————————————————————

    aching to be servile to our masters — wallowing in our oppressor’s mighty glare.

    here’s how this video can be enjoyed —

    both videos at the same time. first video 200% volume, second video 200% volume. Watch neither.
    http://youtu.be/bNo9eDW8j58
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DQKmG0ZaiGY

    • Don’t you dare bring Archspire into this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      GL

    • KJM

      (golf clap)

    • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

      pirate motif=u.n. msm metaphor=non agenda 21 compliant –“description” of
      opposition as being “illegal”—

      someone who is against agenda 21 is a “pirate”(ie “against the law”_

      agenda 21 is against the law —piss on those motherfuckers

      who sings of the glory of being a slave

      • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

        down with agenda 21! — urinate on the entrails of the complicit!

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    I can rant about how much I hate this band all day, but instead I will say one nice thing, the vocalist is actually really good live.

    • BLVKKBEVRD DVRKWORK

      ez to be good when all you gotta do is mumble, ann!

      • that is not ann.

        GL

      • YourLogicIsFlushed

        There is a lot of mumbling in this song, but his harsh vocals are impressive when he uses them. But seriously, I am done defending this snooze fest now.

    • Kim Jong Un’s Pubic Typhoon

      King 810 >>>>>>>>>>> The Contortionist.

  • VVorld Peace

    lol at “human Diglet”

  • “ratty mustaches” i lol’d

  • Nordling Rites ov Karhu

    I know you’re playing shitty music, I hear it. But do you have to look like even you aren’t enjoying it.

  • The Satan Ov Hell

    I… I kinda like it.

  • Gvrp

    Vid sucks but I like the spaced-out vibe of the song.

  • Stockhausen

    This was the best commentary:

    4:10: Cottonelle should use this song in their commercials.

    4:17: Or Bounty. They’re straight up Bounty soft.

    4:26: That windmilling is uncalled for, sir. People are trying to sleep.

  • Kim Jong Un’s Pubic Typhoon

    “4:10: Cottonelle should use this song in their commercials.
    4:17: Or Bounty. They’re straight up Bounty soft.”

    http://misfit120.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/charmin1.jpg