The Bowlympics MMXVI

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Welcome to the inaugural Bowlympics! Let the games begin…

To tie in with the Olympic Games currently being held in Rio de Janeiro, we’ve decided to hold our own little competition. Now I know what you’re thinking, the Olympics have essentially become a massive joke, a bloated vehicle for advertising that corruption and cheating have rendered all but pointless. Well fret not, this competition will maintain that same impeccable standard. Throughout the games, we will be taking an individual sport/event and nominating 5 songs that could be tied into that particular discipline from 5 competing nations known for their prowess in that field (including one dark horse). Then we all listen to the songs, and decide which track best represents that event.

Today, as you may have guessed from the header image, we open the Bowlympics with swimming. Competing in this event we have Japan, the USA, Australia, and the Netherlands, along with Canada as the dark horse nation.

Representing Japan are the 4 mental ladies hellbent on grind from Tokyo known as Flagitious Idiosyncrasy in Dilapidation and their track “Finite Dark Water” from their eponymous 2008 release. Insider info is that their coach Leif Bearikson has spared no expense during training, forcing the team to swim laps in a makeshift pool filled with cheap IPA, marshalling them while he strokes his moustache in between gulps from the overflow channel.


Next up, representing the USA are Minnesota’s majestic medieval minstrels Obsequiae with their track “Pools Of A Vernal Paradise” from their highly acclaimed 2015 album Aria of Vernal Tombs.


Hitting the pool for Australia we have Inverloch. The daunting doom outfit from Melbourne dropped their deadly album Distance|Collapsed in March this year. From it, we’ve chosen the second track – “From the Eventide Pool”.


Competing for the Netherlands today are the veterans Asphyx with their 1992 track “Streams of Ancient Wisdom” from the classic Last One On Earth album. Recent news of a new album heralds that they have no desire to make this their final games.


Today’s dark horse team hail from Canada and offer a modern take on some good old fashioned heavy metal. Nova Scotia’s Black Moor have been competing since 2006 under the guidance of traditional taskmaster Boss The Ross. Their title track from the 2012 album Lethal Waters may not be as familiar as the competition, but they may just surprise the field and take home a medal just the same.


So which nation’s song deserves to take out the gold in the pool?

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 14-12-2014 20:22:33
end_date 10-08-2016 23:59:59
Poll Results:
And the gold medal goes to...

(Image via, via, via)

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      sup dude

    • Floods is too extreme for this competition!

      BRO!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Link, only this is TOO EXTREME!
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNibT_9-IJI

      • Goddamnit, look what you made me do Link.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNibT_9-IJI

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Beat you to it, bro. What a shitty fucking song, too. Wow.

          • No shit bro-face. Should be interesting to see what comes of this new Morbid Angel line-up.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, I agree. It’s got to be better than that shit.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            it’s gonna be the trey show, just like Formulas

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Well, that record is pretty rad.

          • Agreed. Some of Pete’s best drumming too.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            it’s my #3 fav of theirs

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I always go with Domination as my fave, which is not a common pick. First album I heard by them and I love Rutan’s leads.

          • Domination has some of the best/catchiest MA riffs IMO.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That may be part of it.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            I’m partial to Altars, and then Gateways, but Domination was my very first(I now own all except IID) MA records

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Altars makes total sense. I really need to revisit Gateways. Nice wax!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe
          • Wow, earache still sells albums other than Blackberry Smoke?!?!

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            Vektor. don’t forget Vektor

          • Gateways is fun. It’s really odd, but in a good way. You can hear a lot more Rutan influence in it.

        • Mother Shabubu

          I always forget how bad these songs were. Have you seen David Vincent’s country band?

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            intentionally avoiding it

          • *SHUDDERS*

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          I saw this record for sale for like $10. I might buy it for no other reason that to round out my MA discography

          • I’d hold off. I’m sure you can find it on Discogs for like a dollar.

          • Elegant Gazing Globe

            $12, but still not a bad price. It will never leave it’s shrink wrap

          • Go for it. I’d personally pass on it, but I see your logic.

        • Waynecro

          I FEEL IT BURNING, BURNING!!!

    • DOWNVOTED

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Well, that was a given, dude. It’s Pantera!

    • Abradolf Lincler

      love this song.

      • Waynecro

        I was in a band with a guitar player who got really emotional whenever the solo in the song played.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          if i had any other emotions than hatred and anger, i might would too

          • Waynecro

            Speaking of anger, I did some rage lifting this weekend. I put on my grindcore mix and did some deadlifting for the first time in a few months. I pulled 300 pounds for the first time. I’ll take that win.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            Nice bro are you going to feel that one later I’ve been off of my schedule I’m having to move but I get a whole new gym set up in the basement so I’ll be back on it here shortly

          • Waynecro

            Thanks! I’m actually feeling pretty good. I’ve been doing high-rep sets of squats for a few weeks, so my legs can’t hurt much more than they already do. New home gym setup>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • Abradolf Lincler

            Yeah man we have about 2 months before I have to start paying mortgage so I’m going to get some new ink and buy a new lat pull down, maybe even a new dip bar

          • Waynecro

            Congrats on getting your new place, man. That’s awesome.

    • One of the greatest album covers of all time. A picture of a snake.

  • Dubbbz

    Hail Phelps, that freakish, bong-ripping, muscle-cupping weirdo and his cephalopod arms and webbed toes.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Such a weird looking dude.

      • Dubbbz

        He really is pretty strange when he isn’t in the water.

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          Like a fish out of water, bro.

    • Read an article this morning. 98% was about Phelps. Then, at the end, they mentioned the other 3 members of the relay team. 1/4 of the work, 98% of the recognition. lolz

      • Dubbbz

        Did you watch the race, though? Phelps was the one that gave us the stupid long lead.

        Also, Ledecky is a monster. I can’t believe how fast she is.

        • Alas, I did not. I am posing to the fact that I am interested even in the least bit. I trust your account of the race, though!

          • Dubbbz

            My wife really likes watching the Olympics, and we watched the 2012 summer games together when we were just dating (or maybe engaged, since I think we got engaged right around that time), so we tend to have them on a lot whenever they come around.

          • Just watched the video. Killer race. My heart was racing the whole time!

          • Dubbbz

            Ah, didn’t know it had come out already. Cool.

          • Also, for the record, I had the image/phrase “hangin’ dong” stuck in my head the entire weekend. So, thanks.

          • Dubbbz

            I hope you hung dong off your tractor just once this weekend.

          • RJA

            Nice, may have to pick this up. I see they have a Caveman Cult bundle also!

          • Yeah, I really want both. I just can’t spend any money at the moment. Hopefully they don’t sell out too fast.

          • RJA

            Indeed. I just got done spending a easy 100 bucks on the suffocation re-issues and a couple other things. Sometimes I wonder why do I spend all this damn cash on this archaic medium – and they show up and I do it all over again.

          • Haha, so true man. You see that Darkthrone news?

            “Hi folks, it’s time to talk a bit about our new album – and as I don’t like to talk or write about music much I can say that it is more serious and primitive than usual. Vocals are only done by Ted as I thought this would create a more solemn/introvert atmosphere. The album is called ARCTIC THUNDER because it is my fave bandname (old mega-obscure Norwegian band from the 80s that I asked the permission from to use as an album title). Meanwhile here is the cover, it is from the personal camping archives from a trip some years ago to SPÅLSBERGET in Nordmarka. IT has the usual spruce-tree skyline and also a bonfire – there will be another limited colour version with orange logo and title, because that was MY favourite colour, but the usual release looks like this in silver – as this was Ted’s favourite version.”

          • RJA

            this pleases me! The description and the cover!

          • RJA

            I really enjoy watching the Olympics – watch a fair amount with the wife also. Seems like we may be in the minority here though!

          • Dubbbz

            Fight that good fight, RJA.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I mentioned in my news post that I enjoy watching dumb sports every 4 years. Any more than that would kill it for me.

          • RJA

            Oh, absolutely. The rarity of actually watching most of this is the entertaining part. I wouldn’t pretend to care if this stuff was on all the time.

          • Dubbbz

            I don’t give a crap about swimming, but it’s fun watching Phelps and Ledecky dominate every four years.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Wait, he DIDN’T swim the whole relay himself?!?!?!?!

    • Mother Shabubu
    • Howard Dean

      The Phelps advantage (apart from bong rips):

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marfan_syndrome

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      You forgot about his love for transvestite hookers

  • Haha, I haven’t watched any of the Olympics yet. Got too caught up in “Stranger Things” and graphic designs this weekend.

    Asphyx FTW though.

    • Eliza

      The only part I ever watch out of the Olympics is the opening ceremony, I don’t care about the competitions.

  • Hubert

    I considered Obsequiae, but I voted for The Netherlands out of nationalist pride.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    USA wins tough guy! Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKyGqDTFaH8

  • Yay! I dig this feature, bros!

    GO USA, BIATCHES!

  • Joaquin Stick

    Can’t wait until we get to Table Tennis. https://i.ytimg.com/vi/adyC404_gEk/hqdefault.jpg

    • Jennifermwilloughby1

      <<u:i. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::::!!bz724a:….,..

  • Eliza

    I can’t listen to the songs now, cus I’m not at home, but this is such a gun idea.

  • Howard Dean

    My jingosim will literally not allow my to vote for any choice besides USA. Remember: Patton is always watching.

    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d0/9c/f1/d09cf1f34ad0a0b0a71ccfdd36eaf995.jpg

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      That man is a GOTDANG hero.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    you really expect me not to vote for USA? pfft, please

  • Nationalities aside, Obsequiae rips hard.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      I thought it was pretty mello bro

      • Yeah but mello in a ripping hard kinda way, right?

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          *vapes in agreement*

  • tigeraid

    Canada wins. Fatality.

  • Dubbbz

    Men’s Swimming Olympic Gold Medals since 1896:

    USA: 137

    Australia: 33

    Michael Phelps: 19

    Germany: 18

    Japan: 17

    Hungary: 14

  • Waynecro

    I love Obsequiae (and the United States), but, dude, Flagitious Idiosyncrasy in the Dilapidation rips.

  • THE ONLY LOYALTY I HAVE BEYOND MY LOYALTY FOR THE GOD BLESSED UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS TRUE HEAVY METAL. HAIL CANADA

    • Joaquin Stick

      Ugh, the amount of times I have been agreeing with you lately has me questioning my sanity.

  • Stanley

    The olympics have become a joke. Any “sport” where you don’t get out of breath is not a sport. Air Rifle? WTF! My rule of thumb: you train for a sport and you practice for a game. Golf? Get out of here! And while I’m complaining, all the team sports can piss off as well.

    • HOT TAKE!

      • My HOT TAKE: if you’re not doping you don’t really want to win.

        • Hear Hear.

        • Stanley

          Also, any “sport” which is scored can leave the hall. Synchronized diving?

          • I want to agree with you on this, but what about boxing and wrestling?

          • Stanley

            What about them? lol. They can have their own competitions and world championships where arbitrary judgements are welcomed.

          • Agreed. The Olympics should be shut down forever. The IAFF World Championship will be the sole arbiter of all track and field competitions. Swimming can be handled by dolphins or some shit.

          • Stanley

            I like your style. Joe for president of the IOC.

          • Dubbbz

            How do you feel about shot put?

          • Stanley

            You take a heavy rock, you use strength and brute force to hurl it as far as you can. The person that chucks it the furthest wins. I’m all over it.

          • Let’s be real, if the “sport” doesn’t involve you physically incapacitating someone, it’s not true competition. Bring back real competition where victory lied with mightier steel

    • Lacertilian

      Stan, I have made many enemies around this topic. I go even further.
      If it is a method of transport it isn’t a sport. Running, swimming, cycling – NOPE.
      Other events that I disagree with being termed sport – Boxing, Wrestling etc. Just fighting.

      • Stanley

        That’s radical. If you don’t include things with running what are you left with?

        • Lacertilian

          They’re included. Just called an event not a sport.

      • Sy-Klone
        • Lacertilian

          Classic.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        Running, swimming and cycling aren’t sports? What have you been smoking? Boxing and wrestling are sports too.

        • Lacertilian

          That’s not a hot take!
          Where’s your sense of adventure?

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            I’m not up with you young whipper snappers with your hula hoops, Pacman video games and fancy lingo

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Dammit.

  • Stanley
  • Count_Breznak

    I don’t like their last few albums…but wouldn’t The Ocean win by name alone ?

    • Lacertilian

      How many events are held in the ocean?

  • USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

    • Ted Nü-Djent ™

      Netherlands broheim