The Bowlympics MMXVI: Day Two

It is Day Two of the Bowlympics, and the competition is heating up!

Yesterday, the USA crushed all competitors in the Bowlympic Swimming Competition, proving once and for all that the people of America are genetic aberrations most closely linked to our ancient aquatic primate ancestors. Well done, Obsequiae.

In the actual Olympic games, today marks the opening matches in the highly competitive scene of women’s water polo. Water polo is the king of aquatic sports, a game that tests agility, coordination, team work, and raw strength to acquire more points than the opposing team. Only the mightiest warriors are capable of sustained treading while throwing their bodies like a fleshy torpedo through the scrum of defenders to close in on the goal, all while gripping the ball with only one hand. Rumor has it that the sport was created by water nymphs in the times of the actual Olympians and that competitions were held between the consuming maw of Charybdis and the precarious, hungry mouth of Scylla. Losers always died and were granted immediate passage to the underworld.

There is no sport more brutal.

This year’s competition opens with a match between the USA‘s reigning Olympic champion team and bitter rivals Spain. Although the US was able to crush their opponents and send their souls straight to Hades last year, you can rest assured that the Spaniards have been busy plotting their watery revenge. Thankfully, the US has been anything but sloth in their preparations and are ready to unleash their secret weapon, the Giant Squid, to pulverize all opponents with “Sixty Foot Waves.”

A silver medal and a four year gap has left the Spanish coaches thirsty for American blood, so armed with a new team of fresh souls, the Spaniard are ready to exact their vengeance and claim Poseidon’s gold for their own. The Spaniards’ quest for glory hinges entirely on a new Hybrid death metal strategy, whereby the crushingly limber players will deploy the “Hundred Years Ocean” technique to confuse and overwhelm their opponents. As grudges and glory hang on the line, you can be certain this match will be the one to watch for women’s water polo, but there can be only one!

Although finishing only fourth in 2012, Hungary‘s team should never be discounted. Representing the hungry Hungarians (I’m sorry) is Sear Bliss, a terrifying pagan force intent on bringing the atmosphere and unexpected to bear with their unique black metal playstyle. Heavy riffs and sleights of hand will combine to disarm and distract opponents as the band weaves a “Ballad of the Shipwrecked.” Keep your eyes on this intrepid squad.

A fresh and sprightly team from Italy looks to shake off the misfortunes of the last few Olympic competitions to reclaim the glory and gold of the nation’s 2004 team. To this end, Italy is fielding the surprisingly avant-garde “Water Bachelorette”s from Destrage. Fast, loose, and alarmingly frenetic, anything can happen when these sprightly, jaunty Italians get in the water. The competition should expect the unexpected if they hope to hang on to their gold against these energetic athletes.

This competition’s dark horse is the ever majestic Brazil. Although this is the first time the host country will actually be fielding a women’s water polo team, you can be certain that Angra will be putting in an exceptionally professional, dare I say even powerful, effort this year? The team may play a more classic version of the game, rooted in the old magicks, but don’t discredit their South American swagger and sense of style. There will be an unbridled anger in “The Rage of the Waters,” and the band hopes to take all comers by storm.

Who will claim glory, and who will suffer the endless hell of defeat? You decide!

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 09-08-2016 11:00:00
end_date 10-08-2016 00:00:00
Poll Results:
And the Gold goes to...

Written by:

Published on: August 9, 2016

Filled Under: Metal

Views: 545

Tags: , , , , , , ,

  • Eliza

    Even though I like the Sear Bliss and Destrage tracks respectively, I can’t bring myself to vote for anyone else but Angra.

  • Abradolf Lincler


  • U-S-A! U-S-A!

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    I’m going to predict that completely regardless of any of the band/song choices, USA will be selected victor in every race it participates in. As most of the blog’s readership would appear ‘Murican, and everybody’s going to vote for their own country anyways.

  • Just drown the other opponents with grief and sorrow.

    • Stanley

      Or conversely you could drown them in….

      • Everyone pee in the pool.

        • Dubbbz

          There are two kinds of people in this world, Tyree. Those who admit to peeing in the pool, and liars.

          • That’s a scary thought Dubya. The thought of a public swimming pool disgusts me now.

          • Stanley

            Yep, me too. Where I go swimming they have a bunch of aquatic classes going on all the time. They close two of the lanes and it’s normally full of a bunch of grannies jumping up and down. I dread to think what I’m imbibing at that pool. Grim af.

        • Stanley

          We had a family reunion with the in-laws a few years back and we rented a nice house with a pool. There were kids everywhere. I did not go in the pool.

      • Howard Dean

        Continuing the theme. A further reduction. Just Drowned.

        • One of the best death metal demos of all time.

          • Howard Dean


    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    This is for the ones who dares to challenge America:

    • Godamnit KSOFM.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Yes, let the hate grow….

        • 365ChaosRiddenDays

          Worse than this one, never thought was possible:

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Such a dumb band.

          • 365ChaosRiddenDays

            Yes indeed, no talent and a complete lack of creativity!

          • Ha. Ha. Ha. their faces are on that woman’s boobs. How nice.

    • Eliza

      If having to watch this was punishment for challenging the US, no one would ever even attempt.

    • Waynecro

      This guy is quickly becoming my favorite front man.

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        I understand, no way, he’s the best!

        • Waynecro

          You don’t have to know how to sing when you have stage presence like that.

          • 365ChaosRiddenDays

            Indeed, always thought when you’re cool, your destiny is to shine like a star in the firmament:

          • Waynecro

            We need a VH1 Behind the Music about this duo, like, right now.

  • Dubbbz

    Anyone watch the beach volleyball match last night? The Chinese team held in pretty well during the first set, but Kerry Walsh-Jennings is a monster who cannot be stopped. I actually felt bad for the Chinese team in the second match,

  • JWEG

    I’m generally just abstaining from voting here, because it’s clearly futile so long as there’s a U.S. band included.

    Also, I’m just not that into Summer Olympics. Though I might be if ‘Water Polo’ involved breeding giant seahorses for the sport…

    That would probably not end well though.

    • Joaquin Stick


  • My vote today is for BRBRBRBRBR. Home of the colleague Maik Beninton and our own Fish God!!!





  • OldMetalHead

    This one was harder than yesterdays. Yesterday The Netherlands jumped out as the obvious choice. I might have to listen to all of these again to pick the best.

  • Sy-Klone

    My friends and I tried playing water polo once, but it ended in total disaster after all the horses drowned…

  • Hybrid fucking rules! to whom do i tip my fedora for that choice?

    • Dubbbz

      That would be yours truly. Just don’t jam the album after that one. It’s not a good.

      • Just as I investigated Independence Dave Resurgence against my fellow toileteers’ advice, I shall definitely investigate this album about which you speak so poorly.

        • Dubbbz

          That’s why you’re the detective and I’m the politician.