The Bowlympics MMXVI: Day Two

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It is Day Two of the Bowlympics, and the competition is heating up!

Yesterday, the USA crushed all competitors in the Bowlympic Swimming Competition, proving once and for all that the people of America are genetic aberrations most closely linked to our ancient aquatic primate ancestors. Well done, Obsequiae.

In the actual Olympic games, today marks the opening matches in the highly competitive scene of women’s water polo. Water polo is the king of aquatic sports, a game that tests agility, coordination, team work, and raw strength to acquire more points than the opposing team. Only the mightiest warriors are capable of sustained treading while throwing their bodies like a fleshy torpedo through the scrum of defenders to close in on the goal, all while gripping the ball with only one hand. Rumor has it that the sport was created by water nymphs in the times of the actual Olympians and that competitions were held between the consuming maw of Charybdis and the precarious, hungry mouth of Scylla. Losers always died and were granted immediate passage to the underworld.

There is no sport more brutal.


This year’s competition opens with a match between the USA‘s reigning Olympic champion team and bitter rivals Spain. Although the US was able to crush their opponents and send their souls straight to Hades last year, you can rest assured that the Spaniards have been busy plotting their watery revenge. Thankfully, the US has been anything but sloth in their preparations and are ready to unleash their secret weapon, the Giant Squid, to pulverize all opponents with “Sixty Foot Waves.”


A silver medal and a four year gap has left the Spanish coaches thirsty for American blood, so armed with a new team of fresh souls, the Spaniard are ready to exact their vengeance and claim Poseidon’s gold for their own. The Spaniards’ quest for glory hinges entirely on a new Hybrid death metal strategy, whereby the crushingly limber players will deploy the “Hundred Years Ocean” technique to confuse and overwhelm their opponents. As grudges and glory hang on the line, you can be certain this match will be the one to watch for women’s water polo, but there can be only one!


Although finishing only fourth in 2012, Hungary‘s team should never be discounted. Representing the hungry Hungarians (I’m sorry) is Sear Bliss, a terrifying pagan force intent on bringing the atmosphere and unexpected to bear with their unique black metal playstyle. Heavy riffs and sleights of hand will combine to disarm and distract opponents as the band weaves a “Ballad of the Shipwrecked.” Keep your eyes on this intrepid squad.


A fresh and sprightly team from Italy looks to shake off the misfortunes of the last few Olympic competitions to reclaim the glory and gold of the nation’s 2004 team. To this end, Italy is fielding the surprisingly avant-garde “Water Bachelorette”s from Destrage. Fast, loose, and alarmingly frenetic, anything can happen when these sprightly, jaunty Italians get in the water. The competition should expect the unexpected if they hope to hang on to their gold against these energetic athletes.


This competition’s dark horse is the ever majestic Brazil. Although this is the first time the host country will actually be fielding a women’s water polo team, you can be certain that Angra will be putting in an exceptionally professional, dare I say even powerful, effort this year? The team may play a more classic version of the game, rooted in the old magicks, but don’t discredit their South American swagger and sense of style. There will be an unbridled anger in “The Rage of the Waters,” and the band hopes to take all comers by storm.


Who will claim glory, and who will suffer the endless hell of defeat? You decide!

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