It is day 4 of the Bowlympics and things are moving fast!
Yesterday, New Zealand’s Ulcerate crushed all other opponents with a landslide victory. They left the Rugby field a desolate wasteland and their competitors a flattened pancake of blood, sweat and turf, thus proving that resistance to their prowess is futile.
As a non-watcher of all things Olympics, I cannot relate any facts or quips to you regarding last night’s performances from countries around the world in a place where they get together and do things. However, as an avid follower of this year’s Bowlympics I am happy to announce today’s competition: the 100 meter dash [a.k.a. “metre” in countries that actually use metric – snarky Lizard note]. The contest is one of skill, precision and technique, but most importantly it is about speed. As is rather obvious, the object is to reach the finish line before your adversaries do and hoist your arms in the ecstasy of triumph. You may believe in the merit of statements such as “slow and steady wins the race,” but in this case barreling past your opponent with rage and brute force is the only way to win.
Let’s get down to the field as the contestants in today’s race gather at the starting line.
In lane 1 we have Germany‘s Implore. Coached by one Ron Deuce, Implore take a moment to warm up, but when the starting gun sounds they waste no time showing the world their “Two Legged Damnation” as they cross the finish line.
Lane 2 is home to Karhu’s UK team known as Electro Hippies. Now, on appearance they may seem like the don’t have what it takes. But when push comes to shove these boys, age notwithstanding, prove themselves worthy of a speed-based test with their own “Run Ronald.”
Next to Electro Hippies we see Iron Driver in lane 3. These Russian speed metallers, coached by yours truly, bring an old-school flavor to the modern-day Olympics. “Speed” and aggression are attributes to their sound and technique, leaving competitors in their astral dust.
In lane 4 we have Mexico‘s very own Profanator. Everyone’s favorite LizardWizard coaches this team and has been prepping them since the late 90’s. Their time has come. As the shot rings out, Profanator pass the “Point of No Return” with middle fingers raised, inching closer and closer to the finish line.
Vlad Tepes is preparing for today’s race in lane 5. Coached by the master of all things fast and nasty, Tyree, this French outfit is turning the race into a “War Funeral March” which could result in some discouragement for the other competitors.
Rounding out today’s competition in lane 6 is Norwegian stalwart, Darkthrone. Link has been working hard with Fenriz and co. for this year’s competition, proving that others are simply “Lesser Men” when compared to this team.
The contenders are poised and ready to sprint. With the shot of the starting gun they are off, but wait… It looks like another band is making its way to the field in a most unprecedented breach of etiquette and a glorious effort of speed. I can’t quite tell who it is just yet; their animal skins are covering their faces. Wait, wait, it looks like their covers are being blown off from the ferocious wind they create. It’s, it’s… MANOWAR! MANOWAR have entered the race in the vacant lane 7 representing the WARRIORS OF THE WORLD. This 100 meter dash will truly be a story for the ages.