The Bowlympics MMXVI: Day Four

It is day 4 of the Bowlympics and things are moving fast!

Yesterday, New Zealand’s Ulcerate crushed all other opponents with a landslide victory. They left the Rugby field a desolate wasteland and their competitors a flattened pancake of blood, sweat and turf, thus proving that resistance to their prowess is futile.

As a non-watcher of all things Olympics, I cannot relate any facts or quips to you regarding last night’s performances from countries around the world in a place where they get together and do things. However, as an avid follower of this year’s Bowlympics I am happy to announce today’s competition: the 100 meter dash [a.k.a. “metre” in countries that actually use metric – snarky Lizard note]. The contest is one of skill, precision and technique, but most importantly it is about speed. As is rather obvious, the object is to reach the finish line before your adversaries do and hoist your arms in the ecstasy of triumph. You may believe in the merit of statements such as “slow and steady wins the race,” but in this case barreling past your opponent with rage and brute force is the only way to win.

Let’s get down to the field as the contestants in today’s race gather at the starting line.


In lane 1 we have Germany‘s Implore. Coached by one Ron Deuce, Implore take a moment to warm up, but when the starting gun sounds they waste no time showing the world their “Two Legged Damnation” as they cross the finish line.


Lane 2 is home to Karhu’s UK team known as Electro Hippies. Now, on appearance they may seem like the don’t have what it takes. But when push comes to shove these boys, age notwithstanding, prove themselves worthy of a speed-based test with their own “Run Ronald.”


Next to Electro Hippies we see Iron Driver in lane 3. These Russian speed metallers, coached by yours truly, bring an old-school flavor to the modern-day Olympics. “Speed” and aggression are attributes to their sound and technique, leaving competitors in their astral dust.


In lane 4 we have Mexico‘s very own Profanator. Everyone’s favorite LizardWizard coaches this team and has been prepping them since the late 90’s. Their time has come. As the shot rings out, Profanator pass the “Point of No Return” with middle fingers raised, inching closer and closer to the finish line.


Vlad Tepes is preparing for today’s race in lane 5. Coached by the master of all things fast and nasty, Tyree, this French outfit is turning the race into a “War Funeral March” which could result in some discouragement for the other competitors.


Rounding out today’s competition in lane 6 is Norwegian stalwart, Darkthrone. Link has been working hard with Fenriz and co. for this year’s competition, proving that others are simply “Lesser Men” when compared to this team.


The contenders are poised and ready to sprint. With the shot of the starting gun they are off, but wait… It looks like another band is making its way to the field in a most unprecedented breach of etiquette and a glorious effort of speed. I can’t quite tell who it is just yet; their animal skins are covering their faces. Wait, wait, it looks like their covers are being blown off from the  ferocious wind they create. It’s, it’s… MANOWAR! MANOWAR have entered the race in the vacant lane 7 representing the WARRIORS OF THE WORLD. This 100 meter dash will truly be a story for the ages.


This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 11-08-2016 06:00:00
end_date 12-08-2016 06:00:00
Poll Results:
Who takes the gold?

 

Written by:

Published on: August 11, 2016

Filled Under: Metal

Views: 583

Tags: , , , , , , ,

  • The filthy tar drenched demons burrowed in my infected brain say Vlad Tepes, but my cold heart says Darkthrone. Although, that’s not my favorite kinda Darkthrone. What a conundrum. *Bites into PB&J* Why you do this to me Boss? Also Profanator rips, I do have that CD laying around somewhere at home.

    I’m going with Vlad Tepes. I’m glad to see them featured on TOH. Hail to Les Légions Noires!

  • INB4 A BUNCH OF LAME COMMENTS ABOUT MANOWAR *FRRRRRRP*

    GL

    • Implore FTW, btw.

      GL

      • Owlswald

        By a landslide

        • U r wise, friend.

          • Owlswald

            I just noticed Kevin Talley is drumming on that album. That wins alone

  • I voted for Warriors of the World because that was unexpected 😛

    Good choices, Profanatica is a-good!!! The Lizard magic strikes again.

    • Lacertilian

      Shame their most relevant song title was also their slowest track.

  • Dubbbz

    Fun fact: one of the members of the refugee team won gold this year!

      • Stockhausen

        Ah, one of my more smarting quotes of myself that I said.

    • Stanley

      Was it something to do with boating?

      • Dubbbz

        Shooting, actually.

        • Stanley

          lol

      • Joaquin Stick

        A+ terrible response.

        • Stanley

          You are right. On seconds thoughts, they’re not very good at that.

          • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

            Holy shit.

    • RustyShackleford

      Okay not to like be a butt but (hehe) I think that dude was actually on the Independent team and not the refugee team and I THINK they’re different. He’s from Kuwait and the country got a ban for some reason so he competed independently. Still cool tho. Back into my hole now.

      • Dubbbz

        You might be right. The article I read must have misreported which team.

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        Whooooa, mate, Norway is all about trees, wolves, Black Metal and fucking grimness, seems what Fenriz is saying!

        • Howard Dean

          Norway is also all about renewable energy production, sovereign wealth funds, Helly Hansen rain gear, and the moose in the sunset. So about as grim as someone’s hippie grandmother.

          • Lacertilian

            I’m intrigued by this moose in the sunset.
            Is it a vodka-based cocktail, a famous oil painting, a sexual manoeuvre, or all of the above?

          • Howard Dean

            Taken from the “Until the Light Takes Us” documentary. Fenriz explains Norwegian art criticism:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVo5ruNKEeA

  • Eliza

    Doesn’t “Warriors of the World” represent every country, even the ones listed here? I smell a winner.

    • I think you misspelled wiener.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        READY YOUR SWORD GL!!!

        • *uncontrollable flatulence results in dropped sword*

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            *uncontrollable laughter results in taking GL to the pub*

          • BEER >>>>>>>>>

    • tigeraid

      HAIL!

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    Norway, let them die in sweat, tears and sorrow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1N_cQOy6OOs

    • Abradolf Lincler

      Toilets on fire with this post!!!!

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        I think this album is a sort of zenith for the genre.

        • Abradolf Lincler

          Many would say for Emperors career

  • tigeraid

    Uhhhh well we know the answer here. KILL WITH STEEL.

  • Stanley

    This tune will get you to the finish line at top SPEED.

    https://youtu.be/0GuTuTap8vU?t=49s

  • For the record, Profanator sounds top notch. Going to listen to their full length now.

    GL

  • Norwegian magick up in this bitch!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTQ1QD55kSA

  • Implore has face tats giving them the intimidation factor.
    http://youtu.be/dc8yOGNzHtc

    • Waynecro

      THIS BAND MAKES ME LIFT ALL THE WEIGHT!!!

  • RustyShackleford

    DUDES I haven’t been on the site much but just wanted to comment to make sure y’all know I’ve been loving the Bowlympics, probs way more than the actual Olympics cause that shit is lame. At first I was all Norway and then I realized that I would be slain by the Warriors of the World if I voted otherwise….HAIL! YEP!

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      HAIL!!!

    • Are they still playing gas stations?

    • RustyShackleford

      Would’ve made a better opening ceremony tho

  • Maik Beninton™
  • OldMetalHead

    Really like the Mexican and Russian track, but Manowar…

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Other countries play. MANOWAR KILLS!

  • Stockhausen

    I wanted to say Norway, cuz Norway, but hot dang heckit that Electro Wizard track goes fast and hard. I imagine they would sort of drift lazily out of the starting line, letting everyone else get ahead, then suddenly blast forward and destroy everyone in a wake of destruction and buttrocket-fire.

  • Waynecro

    IMPLORE!!!