The BowlympicsDay 5: Hockey

Welcome back to the lavatory arena for Day 5 of the inaugural Bowlympics. Who will take home the gold today? You decide!

First, we’ll recap the drama of Day 4, where we saw a surprise competitor take the win. The “Warriors Of The World” came out of absolutely nowhere and stole the gold from the IOC recognised nations. Someone took a bribe on that one for sure. Anyway, after a series of protests were lodged we have employed the sleuthing skills of resident TovH detective Jimmy McNulty to investigate the extent of the corruption. We promise no such foul play will be pulled today.

Day 5 brings us to an enigmatic event – hockey. I say enigmatic because I don’t think anyone really knows where this sport came from, what the word “hockey” means, or even what the damn rules are. My instinct tells me that there’s surely more to it than just hitting the ball into the net; why else would they need a referee? But after watching a decent amount of it in the hopes of seeing a freak decapitation, I’m almost certain that’s all there is to it; soccer with sticks… and integrity. Adding to the perceived ambiguity of the event is the fact that there doesn’t really seem to be any discernible correlation between the nations that excel at it. Australia and India are great at it; both hot as fuck. Ahhh that’s it, no ice to skate – play hockey instead. Wait, England and Ireland are pretty good at it too, and it’s not really hot there at all, quite the opposite in fact. Maybe it involves a similar skill set to cricket? Got it! Cricketing nations. Hold on, the Netherlands, Germany, and Belgium usually have strong teams, but they’re not really cricketing nations. Fuck, I dunno. Even here, in a country that has been highly-ranked in the sport for at least 50 years, it is not broadcast on TV or talked about by anyone other than the few who play it on weekends. The fuck hockey? The only explanation I can muster is that it is some sort of arcane ritualistic ceremony performed by an underworld cult with a penchant for painful ball games.

Whatever the case, the sadists that will be indulging in this activity today on our hallowed turf tiles are India, Germany, Belgium, and Australia, with Ireland stepping in as the dark-horse contenders. Today’s referee is about to blow the whistle so let’s check out the competition.

The normally quite restrained and circumspect nature of India‘s coach Dubya was completely shot to pieces within seconds of arriving at the ground. From the moment the team got off the bus he was essentially reduced to a raving lunatic, pacing the sideline furiously screaming, “WE WILL CRUSH EVERYTHING WITH OUR HATE SOUND!” The match officials were forced to eject him from the arena and turn down the disgusting noise of Tetragrammicide which he had blasting from a shitty cassette player he’d smuggled into the venue. As the authorities removed the crazed former world leader, assistant coach Joe Thrashnkill stepped up to replace him, bringing the brutal grind of Mumbai’s Gutslit in tow. However, after calling the players in for what we believed to be a composure gathering last minute pre-game huddle, he performed a series of violent hand gestures that did not exactly suggest “Olympic spirit.” That is, unless using your stick to turn your opponents’ faces to pulp is a new motto for the Rio games.

Germany have brought out a veteran team this year in the hope that experience will prevail against some of these younger teams. Through years of intense training and match practice Kreator have developed an amazing “Command of the Blade,” which has given them such confidence that they believe themselves to be a terrible certainty to take out the gold in this event.

Going up against their borderland rivals, Belgium have opted for a blackened attack to combat the German thrash. After years of being mistaken for their larger neighbours, the Belgians are out to settle the bad/kwaad (or evil? Fuck you, Google translate) blood/bloed once and for all with newcomers Wiegedood.

In true bogan form, Australian grinders The Kill showed a complete lack of respect for not only their chosen sport, but the entire Olympics, echoing the sentiment of pretty much anyone not living in a quixotic fairy-tale where morals outweigh money and desire outplays drugs. “FUCK THE OLYMPICS.”

After his home country suffered a string of heavy defeats (7-0 to Spain, 12-0 to Belgium, 9-1 to Great Britain, 9-0 to New Zealand), Brazilian coach Dr. Dagon has jumped ship prior to Sunday’s potential drubbing at the hands of Australia’s cobbers and decided to come to the aide of this event’s dark horse – Ireland. The switch has allowed him a period of deep introspection on the sideline, with Altar of Plagues‘ “Reflection Pulse Remains” offering the perfect soundtrack to quell his inner turmoil.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
start_date 12-08-2016 11:00:00
end_date 14-08-2016 23:59:59
Poll Results:
Who hocked the hardest?

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Published on: August 12, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Opinion

Views: 737

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  • Elegant Gazing Globe


    • Guacamole Jim
      • Joaquin Stick

        This is amazing. My favorite little piece of dissonance is that he talks so much shit about how he can beat China (whatever that means) and then thinks they they also love him. Yeah, I’m sure they take well to people saying that they are going to be out-dealed.

        • Abradolf Lincler


  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    When did hockey switch from winter olys to summer olys?

    • Dubbbz

      Field hockey.

    • Mother Shabubu

      It will if Bettman and the owners can cash in on it.

    • Lacertilian

      Only about 20 years before the Winter Olympics existed, easy to miss.

  • Sorry Kreator, but The Kill gets my vote. Perfect!

    How come I can’t vote?

    • Dubbbz


  • Stanley

    Wiegedood is so good. That riff at 1:46 gets me every time. And Belgium means beer and chocolate and bike racing and beer and chocolate and bike racing mean love.

    • Lacertilian

      Sound logic.

  • Guacamole Jim

    As a Canadian, I resent this article not specifying FIELD hockey. Everyone knows “hockey” refers only to ice hockey – all other kinds must be clarified.

    • Dubbbz

      As a Canadian, shouldn’t you actually be apologizing for the confusion?

      • Guacamole Jim

        Not when it comes to hockey. Then we be droppin the gloves, as it were.

        • tigeraid

          Agreed. There is only one actual “hockey.”

          • Colleenthurley

            <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il250r:….,……

          • Elizabethjbly3

            <<fb. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!il617r:….,…….

    • Mother Shabubu

      As a halfbreed Canadian, I concur. I thought something was off when they said ball instead of puck.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I legitimately thought it was a joke – the author pretending not to understand hockey – then I realized it didn’t make sense for hockey to be in the summer olympics, and clued in.

        • Lacertilian

          You northerners need to step out of your bubble sometimes. If the original hockey has to called field hockey, then the modified version should have to be specified as ice hockey too.

          • Guacamole Jim


    • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

      As a Murican I concur.

      • And my team won the cup this year too.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        always upvote Gus

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff


    • Lacertilian

      As an arsehole, that was deliberate.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    Belgium, let everybody burns in the flames ov hell:

  • Eliza

    The Kill gets me. It’s either that, Kreator or Altar of Plagues for me.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa
  • RustyShackleford

    That Gutslit is TIGHT, but I just can’t NOT vote for Kreator… Still remember the first time I heard Ripping Corpse and bout snapped my got dang neck I’ll tell ya what. Yep.

  • Fuck The Olympics it is then. Well played ‘Stralia.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Does that mean good? Because this gif is rad af

  • Abradolf Lincler

    Wiegedood, dood

  • All right, after seeing folks talk about Wedidgood for so long, i think its time to check em out.

    • RJA

      I stayed away for a while too – the name seemed ridiculous. The album tis’ pretty sweet though.

  • Waynecro

    The Kill is just what I needed today. Awesome. Gutslit is pretty swell too, though.

    • The Kill is probably the best grind band out there currently IMO. Super solid band.

      • Waynecro

        I know what I’m playing in the gym tonight!

        • Their newest album is even better.

          • Waynecro

            Hell yes. I have that one. I just needed a reminder to blast it again.

          • I was able to snag this one on vinyl. Raw and blasty as fuck.


          • Waynecro


          • Fuck yeah! Their drummer is a beast too, all one footed blast beats. Saw him terror shit up live a few years back at MDF.

          • Waynecro

            I’ve been playing grind in the gym a ton lately. Shit’s been getting me fired up!

          • Right on! That new Smut album does that for me. Same with Pigs Blood.

          • This band has the vocalist from The Kill. Silly name, but it’s rippin’ grind.


          • Waynecro

            Dude, that’s bad ass. I just got a call from a solicitor (despite my number’s being on the no-call list), so I blasted Super-Fun Happy Slide into the phone. That lady was so confused! I know Agoraphobic Nosebleed is pretty goofy, but I’ve been super into The Honky Reduction and Frozen Corpses Stuffed with Dope lately. Some of those songs are fucking killer, and Jay Randall’s voice sounds great.

          • Frozen Corpses Stuffed with Dope is my favorite by ANB. I like their really over-the-top shit. Now that they are kinda normal sounding, the drum machine really bothers me.

            EDIT: By normal, I mean not 1,000,000 BPMs

          • Waynecro

            I could listen to “Bitch’s Handbag Full of Money” and “Unwashed Cock” all day. I still like ANB, but I listen to the newer stuff a lot less often because I don’t much care for Kat’s singing.

          • Ever seen this vid? Some funny gifs in there to go along with the song.


          • Haha! Nice.

    • Their cover of Necrophobic is hands down one of the best covers ever.