The Best Person in Mississippi is Jared Moran

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Back in August we asked you to help us find the best unsigned bands in America. After listening to hundreds of submissions, we finally narrowed down our pick for the dumbest state in the union. An absolute waste of land.

Now let’s get one thing straight before we move on to the music (and we will, I swear): there are a lot of terrible, awful, no-good, very bad states. Florida, Arizona, New Jersey…but at least these states have provided us with some solid jams. But Mississippi? They’re not even goddamn trying.

The last time I was in Mississippi (in the state capital, Jackson) I was besieged by a preponderance of smiling buffoons. Smiling is fine when you have something to smile about–some idiot trips, you’re laughing at my hilarious jokes, you’re laying a belt to your child–but the cretinous fools wandering the unswept streets of Jackson simply plaster slovenly, wet grins across their faces as if everything is just jolly. What do you have to smile about? You live in fucking Mississippi. Fuck you.

I spent as much as I could of the rest of my stay indoors, avoiding the vapid inhabitants of America’s Thickest State (motto: “Whoooo-EEEEE!”).

After a particularly infuriating incident involving the abortion of competence this failed state deigns to call a “service industry,” I stomped off to the restroom not to evacuate my bowels but simply to try and find a brief second of fleeting repose in which I could privately wrap my brain around the cosmic stupidity on display.

The toilet is, surprise of surprises, unflushed, with a brown buoy bobbing in the fetid waters of Lake Killmeplease, ready for me to gag so it can let out a smug grin as if to babble “mission accomplished!” I cover my mouth and contemptuously flush. Who, in the 21st Century, still cannot flush a toilet after releasing such foul defecate? I’d be able to understand it if I were in a facility rehabilitating lobotomized barbarians raised in the wild by feral apes but no, I’m in Mississippi. Oh, wait…

I wipe a translucent film from the seat, finally savor the twinge of catharsis of an embittered pout and prepare to quietly weep in reverence for the sheer magnitude of brute stupidity I am forced to continuously endure with every breath I draw. Of course, the Sublime Gods of Fuck Christian couldn’t dare let me go a second without some pitiful misfortune and I hear the rusty hinge of the door squeak. Some blithering idiot has entered whistling, because dammit, a moment of quiet reflection might somehow let me forget something terrible is about to happen.

As if his beaked transmission wasn’t enough, this infecund bastard has the fortitude to attempt small talk.

“Cold enough for ya out there?” he lets out in a plaintive, sing-song voice.

“Leave me alone!” I cry. “I’m trying to concentrate!”

The concept of attempting to carry on a conversation as one or more parties ostensibly completes a bodily waste function sends me reeling. Pee time is me time! Spare me your brown moments!

My meditation cannibalized, I pull up my pants and rush out the door without washing my hands so as to avoid further accosting by the whistling freak and his stomach-turning fixation on locker room rapport (I thank my lucky stars an elderly scrotum didn’t suddenly make an appearance. Perhaps justice lives).

Some daft creep has the wherewithal to look me in the eyes and let out a halfhearted word of greetings as I power my way out of the building. I stomp in place and shout “What about Reinkaos?? What will your trite salutations do to erase that from my pathetic life??”

At this point a woman approaches me to ask if I’d like to leave the building of my own accord or with the assistance of security. I tell her, “Listen, lady, I don’t need some ham-fisted rent-a-cop grubbing up my freshly-laundered garments” as I wipe the froth from my shirt and make my way out of the building with dignity.

Drowning in an ocean of my own hate, I soon lose track of my surroundings and awake rolling in a mud puddle (I blame Jackson’s slothful sanitation crews) shouting “Baseball tees! Blast Beat Network! Illud Divinum Insanus (yes, still!)! I can’t take it anymore!”

My tumbling gains in speed, and I begin to levitate. My bile, all-encompassing, illuminates me, and I transform into a being of pure light. As I ascend above the Jackson skyline, I experience the worst vertigo of my life–one more thing to hate about Mississippi.

Look, my point (?) is this: Mississippi is dumb as hell. But one bright spot does exist, in the form of a man named Jared Moran. The prolific Moran is at the center of a number of bands, any one of which is better than whatever festering turds this state calls metal bands.

I actually first wrote about two of Moran’s bands, Yzordderrex and Uzumaki, while filling in for the GrindLord, though to rather muted reception. It’s really a shame, because I think the latter certainly fulfills what many of us in the Toilet love in metal.

Uzumaki’s third album, Knowledge of a Language One Has Never Learned, is a massive, Ævangelist-esque wall of twisting, coalescing riffs that in turn grind away like Insect Warfare, churn at an Incantation-esque crawl or skronk like Gorguts. If you’re not into it you’re not my friend, for realzies. Quoth our illustrious writing staff:

W. – “This whole thing is a sonic train-wreck, but I can’t seem to pry my ears away. Drum beats and notes collide in no discernible fashion, and I’m not even sure there’s a single riff to be found, but you’d better believe this is still interesting. I can’t say that about all of the other bands in Mississippi. Ultimately, this is an intriguing experiment in true chaos, and for that, it gets my vote. Now excuse me while I turn the speakers up and do a weird lurching jig like one of those Ganados from Resident Evil.”

Stockhausen – “If a middle finger could have feelings and huge arms, then the bird that Uzumaki is flipping you hates you and is constantly beating you about the head and neck. This brand of nasty, ragged death metal tosses around a few mangled grind influences, as if Pyrrhon got really hammered, listened to some Magrudergrind, and made a basement rehearsal demo. We may have to use a few loophole clauses to include Uzumaki, but I don’t care. They rule, and Mississippi does not.”

But wait! Moran’s myriad of multitudinous metal morasses (dammit) doesn’t end there. From the aforementioned Yzordderrex’s ritualistic drone-doom to Flittering‘s mess of Portal-like death metal to the crippling sludge of Mountain of Beard to Moran’s collaboration with his wife Jill in Vomitwolves (how romantic!). Prolific doesn’t begin to describe the guy. Below is a brief sampling of a few of his projects, and for more details I recommend you check out his Metal Archives page.

 54R

Yzordderrex

Mountain of Beard

Flittering

Vomitwolves

Honorable Mention: North Sea Noise Collective – “Not metal at all, but these strange, pelagic drones are somehow hypnotizing. I feel like I’m being lulled into a false sense of security by that mysterious BLOOP. Whatever it is, I dig it. The oceanic aesthetic is pretty gnarly to boot.” -W.


The Toilet ov Hell is on an absurd quest to find the best unsigned band in each state of this glorious union. The purpose? To shine the spotlight on bands that deserve more exposure. Also, we’re going to determine once and for all the greatest state in the nation. Each state winner is decided by a collection of 25 judges. After we’ve announced the winner of each state, we’re gonna throw them all in a winner-take-all bracket and leave the votes up to you. Who will be the best unsigned band in the United States? Which state is superior? We can’t wait to find out.

Previous winners:

Alabama — Phylum
Alaska — Terraform
Arizona – Take Over And Destroy
Arkansas – Torii
California – Destroy Judas
Colorado – The Sleer
Connecticut – Autumn’s Eyes
Delaware – Sloss
Florida – Capracide
Georgia – Lost Hours
Hawaii – Darkest Path
Idaho – Rotten Hand
Illinois – Deus Ex
Indiana – Thorr-Axe
Kansas – Bummer
Kentucky – Ad Infinitum
Louisiana – Withering Light
Maine – Sylvia
Maryland – Bereave
Massachusetts – Scaphism
Michigan – Blackgate
Minnesota – Noble Beast

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Edward/Breegrodamus

    Hahahahaha

    It’s so weird Jared Moran is from… Mississippi.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Jesus that’s a lot of projects.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    libtard u.n. msm hates mississippi=i love mississippi

    • Now you have me rethinking all sorts of things.

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))
      • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

        How… fitting

        • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

          arent you the superdepressed guy on welfare in finland

          fuck those motherfuckers

          freedom is nourishment for the soul—american constitution>oprah winfrey channel race war tv govt—

          in america –the only thing that finland is known for -is heavy metal and that one 60s social change guy–that sings the song
          “hey guys ,,whos going to get a hot dog with me”—which i guess was a big hit in europe
          mississippi kicks ass!!—fuck that agenda 21 socialism hater tv bullshit

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            No more welfare for me, I is a big boy now and goes to work.

          • Väinämöinen

            Who’s the 60s guy he’s talking about?

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            I don’t actually know.

          • KJM

            Consider yourself lucky that no one here takes you seriously. Plenty of conservatives think Mississippi is a shithole.

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            misissippi>united nations

          • UNITED STATES > united nations
            USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

          • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

            thats right—you can go to florida and get a different chick everyday–during the spring
            also they got that festival in the south–where they had the flaming lips play the dark side of the moon album–on the beach—with elves and superheroes—tinkerbell chick angel singers–and a shore full of nobility –half naked —in the south–on a starry night

            thats pretty good–for “average citizen”non metal type bullshit

          • Bring zzzzzzzzzzzzz to Venezuela

          • Max

            Holy shit, I need to start reading your stuff more attentively. That sounds rad!

          • KJM

            That ain’t saying much. My left nut is more useful than The UN most of the time.

          • Stockhausen

            It’s also known for being a model of quality life.

      • This hurts to look at.

      • JJM

        *single tear rolls down face

  • Tyree

    I don’t feel well after this. I’m going to go sit on the toilet for a while and think about what just happened here.

    • Tyree

      Update: I just got back from my pre-lunch poopy and thought about this write-up. This write-up is disgustingly brilliant!!!

      • Stockhausen

        Toilets solve all things.

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        I couldn’t make it past pre-lunch poopy without laughing like a hyena.

  • Christian left out the part of his story in which spaghetti sprang wildly from his pockets.

    • No way, this is a factual story with little to no exaggeration.

      • Dagon

        This has got to be the most elastic “little to none” intervals I’ve ever seen.

        • Well…I really did go to Mississippi and it really did stink.

          • Stockhausen

            I’ve been several times, and it totally sucks. Coming from someone who lives in Oklahoma, that’s pretty intense.

  • Dagon
  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    Why do you insult Florida? It’s a nice llace!

    • Tyree

      No. I toured there, it fucking sucks poop ass.

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        Where did you tour? My aunt lives near Miami and Pembroke Pines is a nice place. Same goes for Vero Beach.

        • Tyree

          We I traveled through a lot of Florida. We played in Orlando and Tampa area. It’s just beyond trashy there in every sense.

          • State College>Florida?

          • Tyree

            Yup. Hate to say it but… Yeah.

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

            That’s not sayin’ much. Like the evil of two lessors.

          • Dagon

            What do you mean by trashy exactly? Brazilians LOVE Florida. They go apeshit about it.

            People here say that Miami is the only Brazilian city that worked out, which might explain why so many Americans hate it haha.

          • Tyree

            I’ve never been to Miami so I can’t say. I do know there is a lot of white trash, poverty, and crime though. Things are not very pretty in Florida unless you are in some prime spots, which I’ve never been too.

          • KJM

            I don’t think you could pay me enough to go there.

          • Tyree

            SPRING BREAK! PARTY! WOOOOO!

            BRO! LOOK AT ALL THESE DRUNK HOT SLUTS BRAH!

          • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

            BRO! BRAH! BROSKI! BROSTAKOVITSCH! BROSTENKOWSKI!

          • Tyree
          • Edward/Breegrodamus
          • KJM

            HIGH FIVE!!!

          • Dagon

            Still better than Brazil, lol. There’s a lot of my countrymen living in Orlando as well.

            I get what you’re saying about crime and poverty, though. I did see a lot of that specially in some areas around Miami. It is too much when compared to other american cities.

          • Tyree

            Orlando was not too bad. I did find A Blaze in the Northern Sky on vinyl there.

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Daytona Beach is pretty cool.

          • Tyree

            The only decent place I’ve been at in Florida is St. Petersburg. That was sort of nice. I caught a shark there too.

          • Herr Schmitty

            You were fooled. St. Pete is awful; from Tampa on south on that west coast is where the most crystal meth is. Fort Myers-St. Pete-Tampa = The unholy trinity.

          • Tyree

            Gross. We were staying in a really nice condo right on the beach. I didn’t go into any of the city parts. Glad I didn’t.

          • Dagon

            You should have gone to Disney while blasting Darkthrone. Those would be the times.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            My aunt lives in between Miami and Ft Lauderdale.

          • Dagon

            I went to Ft. Lauderdale once, liked it a lot.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Ft. Lauderdale and Miami are fine. There are places you don’t want to go, but all cities have those. West Palm Beach isn’t too bad either, I grew up near there.

            Tyree is dead right about Tampa and Orlando, though, and the further north you get, the more angry christian rednecks you run into.

          • And Cuban city. And Puerto Rican city. And Dominican. And Jamaican. And… Well, pretty much the whole Caribbean.

          • Jajajajaja. There are a lot of bloody disgusting venezuelan people there too. Except for Santiago Dobles, he’s a good person.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6nJmf7kHy8

          • This is jammable. I can jam this.

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            I actually remember this band. Didn’t think they were still around.

          • Santiago is recording some stuff for the next record. I’m def looking for it and I will bring the news when I have the info! ;D

          • JJM

            wholly fart, i loved this back in the day! #LinkConnection

          • Miami=Caracas, La Habana, Brasilia, México, Bogotá, Haití, Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico all in one city and with a crazy frenzy for spend spend spend spend the dólares!

          • Akerskronks ov Steele

            I might go there, just for restaurants.

      • *best state in the union

      • Stockhausen

        I also toured there. Out of the 20+ states we’ve been to, it was the worst. And we had FOUR FRIGGIN’ DATES IN A ROW BECAUSE WE THOUGHT THE BIRTHPLACE OF DEATH METAL WOULD BE WORTH IT JUST A LITTLE BIT.

        • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

          Shouldn’t that have been your first and only necessary clue? I mean come on, that state drove a bunch of people mad enough to make Derth Mertl.

        • Also the birthplace of Limp Bizkit.

          • Stockhausen

            Had I known that, I would have never joined a band or played music, just to avoid going to Florida.

          • Herr Schmitty

            Schmitty fact: Each of my last two long term relationships were with women that went to the same high school as Fred Durst and Wes Borland… Douglas Anderson School of the Arts. Other famous graduates include the kids from Yellowcard.

            I am filled with great shame. Jacksonville sucks.

          • Lacertilian

            Another reason for a relaxation of the abortion laws.

        • Tyree

          Well, you and I both learned the hard way unfortunately. I did meet Glenn Benton’s son when I was there. That guy is quite the little douchebag.

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Well he is Glenn Benton’s son so…

          • Tyree

            Indeedy.

        • Herr Schmitty

          Florida is weird in that the further north you go, the more ‘southern’ it gets. Miami and West Palm are pretty modern and metropolitan! Everything north of Orlando is horrific in general, though, with only a few small pockets of acceptable surroundings (some parts of Gainesville, etc.)

      • FeelTheDarkness

        I endorse this 100%

    • Herr Schmitty

      Tyree and Stockhausen are right. I lived there for like 25 years. It’s pretty horrible, unless you like getting shot. If you like getting shot, Florida is great.

    • Lacertilian

      Florida’s infamy has even reached us here in Australia.
      America’s dick, right?

  • Dagon

    I got 2 flushes I need to get out of my system brolos
    1) Just found out that Magrudergrind played in my neck of the jungle last year and I slept on it.
    2) iTunes is being a nagging bitch and crashing everytime I plug my phone in. I want to transfer my tunes, motherfucker. Anyone got any clue about this? Already tried reinstalling it and doing some of the apple solutions. No luck.

  • I know this dude, not personally but he posts his bands on the Lambgoat message board. Pretty impessive in that he always seems to be putting out something new.

    • Tell him I <3 him.

      • I don’t really post there all that much. I just go there when I need a good laugh. Most of my posting is done at this here Toilet.

  • Also I’m from NJ and have no problem with you disrespecting the state. It is quite the shit hole.

    • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

      But at least Jersey has a fuck ton of great thrash bands (and some decent death metal bands as well.)

      Mississippi, not so much.

      • I’m not familar with too many of the locals around here except for DEP, Toothgrinder and Organ Dealer. Guess I’ll see what you guys turn up in the NJ edition.

  • Dagon
    • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

      I love Mountain. I love them so much.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’ve never been to Mississippi, but now I have even less inclination to go (which leaves me at negative inclination). I lol’d heartily at this writeup doe. Also, awesome music.

    • This write up does not exactly inspire one to travel there. If I never go there, I’m fine with that.

  • Dagon

    Also, Iowa is always missing from the list at the end of the posts in the “best unsigned” series. Blizzard at Sea was my favorite band so far.

  • folks, it would seem that a Montana legislator is declaring a war on yoga pants.
    http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/02/montana-legislator-wants-ban-yoga-pants
    who’s ready for a good ole’ coal rolling?

  • Kim Jong Un’s Axis Of Anal

    If it weren’t for my beloved city, I’d say Illinois. Outside of Chicago, it’s a fucking racist, bland, drug addled dump. I pretty much despise the Midwest outside of Chicago.

  • Stockhausen

    Seriously, Jared Moran is awesome. Putting out that amount of solo work at that level of oddity and aggressive nastiness is a huge feat. Thank you for single-handedly saving your state, Jared.

  • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

    Mississippi is nearly as bad as south Carolina, tennessee, and Virginia, the worst states in the union

    • I’ve got no beef with Tennessee. It’s been pretty rad the two times I’ve visited.

      • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

        Ah, I live right up against the border of tennessee, south Carolina, and Georgia. Gotta l2hate, joe

        • I reserve my hatred for Mississippi and to a (very slightly) lesser extent, Oklahoma.

          • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

            I’ve never been to Mississippi but I have a couple family members who’ve been arrested there

        • Tyree

          What smells so bad in Georgia!?! Both times driving through Georgia it smelled like rotten asshole.

          • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

            Honestly, probably all the farms and waste processing centers

          • Or the people.

        • Lacertilian

          Chattahoochee?

    • JJM

      “as bad as south Carolina”
      DOES NOT COMPUTE.

      • BAXXX BXAXXBXAXX

        Have you ever been to SC mcnutty? It’s a shithole

        • JJM

          just been to Charleston and it was a most trill experience

  • Nordling Writes ov Karhu

    Multiple of these are quite good.

  • Howard Dean

    This is ShaolinLambKiller from the metal-archives!

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      That’s a great handle.

      • Howard Dean

        Haha, yeah.

        He’s not just a prolific musician, he’s one of the most prolific commentators on the M-A forums.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus

          Truly prolific musicians that maintain a certain degree of quality blow my mind. They just create, create, create.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      That’s a great handle.

  • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

    I’ve been to Mississippi once to sell some “goods” to a small milita. Let’s just say I got warrants and leave it at that. I’m not surprised at all that the state’s bands suck balls.

  • john

    Fucking Mississippi.

    Also, as a Canadian I vaguely hope you’ll move on to the ten provinces when you get through the fifty states!

  • Jefrey Waylon Mann

    ”The toilet is, surprise of surprises, unflushed, with a brown buoy bobbing in the fetid waters of Lake Killmeplease”
    And that’s why I use the toilet on public bathrooms only for extreme emergencies.