The Best Band in New Jersey is Black Table

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Back in August we asked you to help us find the best unsigned bands in America. After listening to hundreds of submissions, we finally narrowed down our pick for the state which boasts the most horses per square mile in the whole USA! The best band in New Jersey is Black Table.

What do I know about New Jersey? Very, very little. So little, in fact, I would be hard pressed to find it on a map. I won’t even definitively say I was aware it was a state before this contest was announced. What does that say about New Jersey? Well, it certainly says the Canadian school system is letting down legions of children. It probably says that I didn’t pay attention during high school geography. Thankfully, I paid enough attention to New Jersey to realize: A) there are some absolutely killer bands coming from the garden state, and B) it’s home to the United States Equestrian Team!

It was a hard-fought battle between the writers and editors of the Toilet ov Hell to determine which New Jersey band would reign supreme over all contesters. Harsh insults were hurled, friendships, once strong, now lie broken, the Masterlord nurses a very tender posterior, but the (insert-whatever-hyper-specific-post-genre-here)-metal titans that are Black Table stood above the smouldering wreckage to claim the title ov Best Unsigned Band in New Jersey.

butthurt

Pictured: Masterlord’s Throbbing Bottom

Words fall short when trying to describe Black Table (hence the silliness of the genre tag above). They’re decidedly heavy music, falling under the umbrella of “metal”, yet their music is unique. The musicianship, while admirable, never overshadows the ebb and flow of the music itself; moments of intensity give way to passages of beauty, only to once again thrust the listener into the maelstrom of sonic chaos. This chaos, however, never leaves the listener feeling jarred or disgruntled. It retains a soulful melody, often flirting with major keys and softer tonality unusual in such music; a testament to the maturity of the band as a songwriting unit. But fret not, O dank desirers of dissonance: Black Table delivers atonality aplenty, especially on “To Tear Down,” a cut from their 2012 EP, Sentinel. Harsh black-metal inspired shrieks, reminiscent of the great Ihsahn, cut through the crushing walls of sound created by the instruments to create a thoroughly engaging aural experience.

Sentinel is an EP not to be taken lightly. From start to finish Black Table grabs the listener by the throat and, in both torrid storm and bounteous light, tells a story engaging until the very closing seconds of “1942”, the album’s última canción. After listening to this EP numerous times on Bandcamp (and then purchasing it like a good boy), it is with confidence I say: Black Table is a group poised on the brink of greatness. Get in on this.

Oh, wait. You don’t trust any one author here on the Toilet ov Hell to speak the truth about unsigned bands, is that it? Well, you doubting Thomas, here is what other prestigious and prolific authors from the Toilet had to say:

Lief Bearikson: I could rattle off a bunch of fancy words telling you about why you should listen to Black Table and how rad they are, but instead I’m just going to get down to “bro level” and say this: THIS SHIT IS TYTE. New Jersey might have (shockingly) been the toughest vote so far, so these dudes definitely earned this. Bonus points for the absolutely wicked album art.

Stockhausen: What kind of metal do Black Table play? Shut your ugly face and listen to it, that’s what kind. Their fresh stylistic mix toys with a huge array of influences without ever trying too hard, yet they are always convincing.

HessianHunter: Post-everything metal. Tasteful shred. I can hear the bass. I’d make out to it/with it.

W.: Consider this my endorsement.

TABLE

Give Black Table a “stab” on Facebook to show your solidarity; purchase their sounds on Bandcamp.

Honorable Mention:
Coldfells 
(black metal/folk metal) — Find them on Bandcamp


The Toilet ov Hell is on an absurd quest to find the best unsigned band in each state of this glorious union. The purpose? To shine the spotlight on bands that deserve more exposure. Also, we’re going to determine once and for all the greatest state in the nation. Each state winner is decided by a collection of 25 judges. After we’ve announced the winner of each state, we’re gonna throw them all in a winner-take-all bracket and leave the votes up to you. Who will be the best unsigned band in the United States? Which state is superior? We can’t wait to find out.

Previous winners:

Alabama — Phylum
Alaska — Terraform
Arizona – Take Over And Destroy
Arkansas – Torii
California – Destroy Judas
Colorado – The Sleer
Connecticut – Autumn’s Eyes
Delaware – Sloss
Florida – Capracide
Georgia – Lost Hours
Hawaii – Darkest Path
Idaho – Rotten Hand
Illinois – Deus Ex
Indiana – Thorr-Axe
Iowa – Blizzard at Sea
Kansas – Bummer
Kentucky – Ad Infinitum
Louisiana – Withering Light
Maine – Sylvia
Maryland – Bereave
Massachusetts – Scaphism
Michigan – Blackgate
Minnesota – Noble Beast
Mississippi – Jared Moran (Yzordderrex/Uzumaki)
Missouri – Existem
Montana – Martriden
Nebraska – Borealis
Nevada – Elephant Rifle
New Hampshire – Eerie

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  • Tyree
  • I think these guys came through Madison a while back. I was gonna go and then I spaced it out until it was too late.

    Pretty cool, though. (lol at all their physical media being sold out. Must be doing something right.)

    • Dr. Dubz

      That could be a good problem to have (selling out products, not spacing out till too late).

      • IIRC they played the Dragonfly Lounge which probably can only hold ~100 people standing. Even the people in “the back” would have felt the spit and sweat of the band. Cool little place though.

        • Dr. Dubz

          Our venue here that hosts most of the metal bands that come through is a bar backroom with a few hundred capacity. Been to a bunch of shows there, but unfortunately it seems only Deathcore acts are coming through town this year. Deathcore and nu metal still have a strong presence here.

          • That sucks.

            I can tolerate some nü metal even though I didn’t grow up with it. Deathcore has no good qualities IMO.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I think Dark Tranquility was here while I was in DC.

          • They aaight. I missed their set a while back because my friend was so incredibly late to the show they opened. Weapons-grade butthurt ensued.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I agree. I tolerate most nu metal but I hate deathcore.

          • Óðhinn

            Yeah, Deathcore has few redeeming qualities. Some of the Deathcore bands are trying to ruin Technical Death Metal now too. I kind of liked All Shall Perish at first, and then somebody (can’t remember who) told me that they were a right wing band. Of course. *rolls eyes* Oh well, I can live without Deathcore.

          • I don’t believe All Shall Perish is a right wing band. They even have a song called Wage Slaves…

          • Lacertilian

            what if they’re pro-wage slavery..

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Same with my area. We also get hair metal, pop punk and post hardcore.

          • hair metal = the best sub-genre you just listed.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            We don’t get much of it though. We’re getting Y&T and Lynch Mob though.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            Someone has forgotten Refused, At The Drive-In, Thursday, Alexisonfire and Glassjaw exist. There is a lot of shit in Post-Hardcore, but the good shit is way better than Hair Metal’s good shit.

          • I haven’t forgotten (most) of those bands. I just think they’re garbage.

          • The Beargod

            Dirge tho.

          • Don’t know their stuff TBH.

          • The Beargod

            Didn’t think you would. Not so very popular. Post-hardcore band gone doom.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Speaking of Refused they’re touring with Faith No More.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            That shit needs to come to the UK as soon as possible.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            It’s going to Madison Square Garden. I probably will go.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            Why are americans so lucky, they get so many great tours.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            We just are. It’s only an hour away from me as well.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Don’t you live in the New York area? I thought every band ever played there.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I live an hour north of NYC in Poughkeepsie. We have a few venues but only two get real bands.

          • more beer

            The Chance has really gone to shit.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I agree. We used to get good stuff as recently as 2012 but we get shit now. We are getting Testament/Exodus though.

          • more beer

            He`s a forty minute train ride from NYC. I`ve told him that a few times. I grew up not to far from there and always took the train to shows. I also went to shows up his way back in the day.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Man, if I lived only 40 minutes to an hour from a huge musical/cultural center, I’d be stoked. I’ve made several 6 to 8 hour trips for shows because Texas is freakishly huge.

          • more beer

            I wouldn`t trade growing up there for anything. When I was his age I was going to 3 or 4 shows a week. There are shows everywhere. You just have to know where to look. I was also well versed in the transit system which helps. I Even told him what trains to take. I have traveled for shows myself. Michigan Death Fest shows in Philly, and Jersey. Next traveling is MDF presents California Death Fest in October.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I’m probably going to see Manic Street Preachers down at Webster Hall if I have the money.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

          I saw them in a venue in Ithaca, along with Down all of Gaia, that wasn’t much bigger than some people’s living room. Charles Cure of Hush was filling in on vocals at that point in the tour and I was standing about 3 inches from him. I thought I might get headbutted at any moment. Talk about an intimate and awesome show.

  • The Beargod

    COLDFELLS!! OR GTFO!!

  • Shrimp ov Bad Opinions

    I had to do it. (refresh for image)

    • Guacamole Jim

      HA

    • Your mouth just wired a paypal transfer request your butt has insufficient funds to honor!

      • Dr. Dubz

        Paypal is for hookers and fat people.

        • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

          This is true.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Hey, I checked out Kriegsmachine finally the other day. I quite enjoyed it.

          • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

            Nice! They are tight. I always liken them to a more brutal/death mettally Mgla–though I admittedly find Mgla the superior band with their morbid riffing, sense for melody and atmosphere.

          • Stockhausen

            Kriegsmaschine ruuuuuuules.

        • Tyree

          I use it all the time.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Well, you aren’t fat, so…

          • Tyree

            Butt I am a hooker.

          • Tyree

            Butt hooker. Ha.

          • Dr. Dubz

            That might be illegal in some states.

          • Óðhinn

            A butt hooker does everything butt. 😉

        • Óðhinn

          And for fat hookers, it’s extra convenient.

        • more beer

          Hookers like cash. Neither their pimps nor drug dealers accept paypal. They are all cash businesses.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Futurama quote, mate 😉

      • Come, my friend, to the #LinkCave. To rest your wounds. Mrs. Leonhart made delicious venezuelan food, and I hunted some harpies for dinner.

        http://images.forwallpaper.com/files/images/3/32f5/32f5c812/173939/cottage-in-the-forest-thomas-kinkade-painting-summer-cottage-thomas-kinkade-art.jpg

      • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

        Black Table is the source behind my long standing enmity to Kim Kelly. Just sayin’. You’re on notice, Masterpants.

  • RustyShackleford

    Dubya’s endorsement is some dank ass shit. Yep.

    (Oh, yeah, and the music is cool too)

  • Guacamole Jim

    W’s endorsement >>>>> the rest of the article

  • Tyree
  • I’m from NJ and I never heard of these guys. That must make me a douche.

    • Just being from NJ can make someone a douche though.

      • Shit!

        • IDK why I’m being such a fucker today. It’s my day off and I still haven’t been outside.

      • We do have a very high concentration of douches here.

        • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

          I wonder why.
          *ahem*JerseyShore*ahem*

          • Thankfully that train wreck has run its course and nobody cares about them anymore.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            No, the pricks have moved on to my beloved Newcastle instead.
            There is a reason we always lose to the filthy mackem scum bags on derby day, its cause the Geordie Shore fuckers jinxed us on that front.

          • Cool, glad their your problem now.

          • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

            I don’t live there, I just support the football (soccer) team. I do feel sorry for the people who do though. The shit they must go through.

        • Also way too many Bon Jovi fans and Jersey shore bros.

          • more beer

            Guidos!!!!!

        • JWG

          I once knew a girl from pretty much the Jersey Shore who constantly defended it as not-at-all “as seen on TV”.

          I trusted her insistence since the only other (former) NJ residents I know are my father and his brother, and they were just generally atypical Americans.

          • What’s a typical American?

          • Dr. Dubz
          • I don’t think that’s typical TBH. Maybe in Walmart 😛

          • Dr. Dubz

            You don’t live in the south.

          • This kind of pics made me sad 🙁

          • Yeah, all LOLs aside; how can one not feel a little bad for others that are this obese?

            In all seriousness the U.S. is very diverse. Saying “all Americans are anything” is just as incredibly ignorant as any other hateful stereotype.

          • Dr. Dubz

            It’s unfortunate that obesity is such an issue here. I know people have a stake in that because calories in vs. calories out, but in a lot of places junk food is cheaper than healthy food.

          • I wish pizza wasn’t so bad for people. My kids and I could eat pizza almost every night and not mind it at all.

          • Dr. Dubz

            I’m making some homemade pizza from scratch this weekend.

          • KJM

            All the helpful diet advice in the world kinda crumbles away before that simple reality.

          • Dr. Dubz

            Yup. I’ve mentioned this before, but obesity went from being a luxury of the rich to an affliction of the poor. And honestly, in some places I imagine it can be pretty hard to get decent exercise to burn off calories. Aside from walking around, I guess.

          • KJM

            Many people don’t want to spend what little extra time they may have exercising. They want to relax, have fun, and mentally prepare for the next round, so to speak.

          • Lacertilian

            I totally agree but I share @linkleonhart:disqus ‘s sadness in the fact that there are many people who can’t get access to food at all, while some people get around with 2 extra adults worth of body fat on them.
            Something about both extremes existing concurrently makes me sad that we can’t find a way to share excess to those who need it most.

          • Tyree

            DAYUM!

          • Dagon

            At least 6 titties

          • oooooh, rear boobs!

          • Óðhinn

            Walmart

          • JWG

            Your guess is as good as mine.

            It’s far less obvious what ‘typical’ is when there are so many permutations of the algorithm. It’s exactly the same as trying to define a ‘typical’ Canadian. Though our PM keeps insisting he knows who they are (his core voters, apparently).

            Only the truly atypical stand out.

          • If you’ve ever been to bar or nightclub in that area, it is most definitely as seen on TV.

          • JWG

            Maybe it changed because of TJS (life imitates bad art). Her comments were last made in 2005-ish.

            I didn’t lose touch with her intentionally. Not to put a downer point on things, but she was killed by a distracted driver that year.

          • I think it’s George Carlin who said that he liked to meet individuals but couldn’t stand groups. So if you run into a group of Jersey Shore types, they fit the stereotype.

        • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

          CONFIRMED

    • Guacamole Jim

      Or you were too into the horses. Seriously, what’s the deal with the horses?

  • The Beargod

    “Lief Bearikson” a true liefloving moustachio-d bear.

  • Was Organ Dealer nominated or are they signed?

    http://youtu.be/u_Fx3JAA3Zg

  • Ricky

    Just the States? Not doing Canadian Provinces?

    https://youtu.be/MK61tFXHpx0

    • Reichsmarschall Dean von Steel

      Get the ROC Pile and DVS up in this mahfuckah. Know’m sayin’?!

      • Ricky

        It could happen to you cuz it happened to me. & T.

    • JWG

      I was angling for this to be a follow-up feature, but they’ll probably need time to breathe when this is done in a few months.

      Maybe start July 1 (2016) to be perfectly timed.

  • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

    I’ve heard of these guys. They are awesome.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    This was worth it for the Facebook argument alone.

    • The Facebook yelling went on a for a while.

      • CT-12

        YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?????

        • Guacamole Jim

          PRETTY MUCH

  • Dagon

    Sorry I didn’t come earlier, I was trapped in grandpa’s birthday party

    http://lolhehehe.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/slDpmxS.jpg

    • I’D PUT MY SNAKE IN HER BASKET
      WOCKA WOCKA

    • God ov All

      I love everything going on here.

      • more beer

        There`s a lot to love there.

    • Lacertilian

      I sincerely hope this was an actual pic of the event.

  • God ov All

    Just a thought, but I saw Derek/GodlessAngel say on Failure For Blogs that he was pissed at anyone interviewing him wanting a cut of his merch and didn’t care about just the music. That got me to thinking, anyone thought of interviewing him for the blessed Toiletovhell?

    • JWG

      I support this very much.

      • God ov All

        I really dig the album he dropped not too long ago. Dude has some musical chops.

    • i thought about it, yes. alas, his music was deemed “lolbuttz” on a Toilet Tuesday a while back, i’m not sure how many people would enjoy such a read…

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I remember kinda liking what he did, but I think the vocals were not really my thing.

      • God ov All

        Really? Odd I quite liked it

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        I would. I enjoyed the music and he’s such a nice guy.

    • Óðhinn

      Derek was pissed? He’s generally the smiley face of MetalSucks.

      But yeah, I could see how the old quid pro quo could be a bit annoying for someone trying to promote his music. Derek seems like a very nice guy. I like him.

    • I can do it.

      I would be no more Mr. Nice Guy >:)

  • flushing kick booty stuff right here

  • NefariousDude

    Why does it have to be a BLACK table??

    • Metaphysical Anus

      We prefer the term African-American table.

      • whaddya mean “We”?

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Me and my several personalities.

    • JWG

      Because Amazing Technicolor Dream-table was taken?

  • I like the blackmetally parts and the mathy parts, but the sprawling posty jangleparts totally kill the vibe for me. I think I am at long, long, long last sick of THAT POST-METAL SOUND.

  • Stockhausen

    I AM BLACK THE TABLE

    • BLOODBEARDE

      WE ARE BLACK TABLE

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    I fucking love this band. Sentinel was killer.

  • BLOODBEARDE

    Inter Arma is playing April 15th in town here with . . . (has anyone heard any of these: Yautja, Bask, Dead Mothers). Should I be going? I know Inter Arma is pretty dope.

    • Edward/Breegrodamus™

      I’ve heard very good things about Yautja both live and on record.

    • Dr. Dubz

      Yautja are sick, but maybe a bit dissonant for your taste.

    • Óðhinn
  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    FINALLY!! JERSEY!!! Many thanks, time to grab a taylor ham egg and cheese on an everything bagel. hit the turnpike headed “down da shore” crankin some Black Table all the way!

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

    Well of course they’re the best band in NJ. I’ve been telling you guise this for years.

  • Óðhinn
  • KJM

    “This one’s about monkeys and weed!”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsW77UpGUQY