The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 3: Ego In Aeternum, Bro

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Previously on the Ballad of BDubs Bro…

*bursts out of BDubs*

*runs over to F-150*

*pours & slams a Fireball shot from cargo bed cooler*

*also slams two Keystones and a Miller 64*

*gets in F-150, blasts Godsmack to ease the pain*

*denies to self that he himself is crying like a bitch*

*peels out of parking lot at 60mph*

BRO_peelout

“FUCK THOSE GUYS, BRO!”

*drives home erratically through quiet neighborhood streets*

*changes music to Three Days Grace*

“YEAH BRO LET’S START A FUCKIN’ RIOT!”

*changes music again to Trapt*

“YEAH BRO I’LL FUCKIN’ TAKE ON ANYONE!”

*changes music yet again to Skillet*

“YEAH BRO I FEEL LIKE A COAL ROLLIN’ MONSTER!”

*rolls billowing stack of coal while thundering past Honda Insight*

*hangs out window, screams “WOOO FUCK YEAH BRO! YOU GOT ROLLED! GET SOME!”*

*regains confidence, high fives self on flabby bitch tit*

*changes music a fourth time to Nickelback*

“YEAH BRO BURN IT TO THE GROUND TONIGHT! BUUUUUURN!!!”

*drops iphone on floor*

*iphone disappears underneath unwashed Affliction hoodie*

*swerves truck trying to find it*

“GODDAMN… AWW SHIT BRO!”

*runs over one of these*

*tries to overcorrect steering*

*cheap, unneccesarily huge off-roading tires spin out*

truck_jump

*F-150 jumps curb, plows through empty field at 80mph*

*slams into only tree within 3 miles*

*engine bursts into flames*

*fire quickly spreads from engine to driver’s seat*

*cheap fabric of basketball shorts immediately ignites*

BRO_eye4

“BRO OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAHH!!!”

*flames spread to Tapout shirt*

*jumps out of F-150 engulfed in flames*

*flails arms in horribly ineffective, karate-like attempt to extinguish fire*

“FUCK OFF BRO, AAAAAHHH!!!”

*runs back to save now entirely aflame truck*

*manages to slam one more Miller 64 from cargo bed cooler*

*burns hand trying to detach & save diamond plate trucknutz*

“GAAAH FUCK IT’S SO HOT BRO…”

*snags halfway-melted basketball shorts on fender*

*basketball shorts immediately ripped clean off*

*body swings around, hits head on wheel well*

*goes unconscious*

*begins to hallucinate*

*drifts off into bro time and bro space*

BRO_eye1

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BRO_space1

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BRO_space3

*goes beyond the bro infinite*

BRO_monolithview

BRO_room1

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*snaps back to reality for final breath*

“br… bro… woOo0oooOooo…”

*life leaves bro body*

*dies drunk and pantsless*

*evacuates bro bowels*

*bro body consumed by spreading gasoline fire*

*softer metals from the engine compartment melt, leaking onto the grass in long streaks*

*truck fire eventually dies down, metal snapping and crackling as it cools*

*all light fades; a burned out F-150 and partially scorched tree are lit by a pale moonlight*

*charred bro skeleton is urinated upon by a passing coyote, sizzling slightly*

*ashen bro remains float off into night sky, carried by the wind, landing in nearby barley field*

barley

*barley is nourished by nutrient-rich ashes*

*crop is harvested weeks later and purchased by an international beverage conglomerate*

*barley is prepared for brewing process*

*brewed into latest batch of Keystone Light*

*Keystone Light is shipped and sold to businesses across the continent*

*weeks later, a (different) bro pulls up to his local BDubs*

*parks blue Dodge Ram with UFC bumper sticker and American flag trucknutz across three spaces*

*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess, sits at bar*

“SUP BRO! ONE KEYSTONE LIGHT!”

BRO_FIN

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