The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 3: Ego In Aeternum, Bro

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Previously on the Ballad of BDubs Bro…

*bursts out of BDubs*

*runs over to F-150*

*pours & slams a Fireball shot from cargo bed cooler*

*also slams two Keystones and a Miller 64*

*gets in F-150, blasts Godsmack to ease the pain*

*denies to self that he himself is crying like a bitch*

*peels out of parking lot at 60mph*

BRO_peelout

“FUCK THOSE GUYS, BRO!”

*drives home erratically through quiet neighborhood streets*

*changes music to Three Days Grace*

“YEAH BRO LET’S START A FUCKIN’ RIOT!”

*changes music again to Trapt*

“YEAH BRO I’LL FUCKIN’ TAKE ON ANYONE!”

*changes music yet again to Skillet*

“YEAH BRO I FEEL LIKE A COAL ROLLIN’ MONSTER!”

*rolls billowing stack of coal while thundering past Honda Insight*

*hangs out window, screams “WOOO FUCK YEAH BRO! YOU GOT ROLLED! GET SOME!”*

*regains confidence, high fives self on flabby bitch tit*

*changes music a fourth time to Nickelback*

“YEAH BRO BURN IT TO THE GROUND TONIGHT! BUUUUUURN!!!”

*drops iphone on floor*

*iphone disappears underneath unwashed Affliction hoodie*

*swerves truck trying to find it*

“GODDAMN… AWW SHIT BRO!”

*runs over one of these*

*tries to overcorrect steering*

*cheap, unneccesarily huge off-roading tires spin out*

truck_jump

*F-150 jumps curb, plows through empty field at 80mph*

*slams into only tree within 3 miles*

*engine bursts into flames*

*fire quickly spreads from engine to driver’s seat*

*cheap fabric of basketball shorts immediately ignites*

BRO_eye4

“BRO OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAHH!!!”

*flames spread to Tapout shirt*

*jumps out of F-150 engulfed in flames*

*flails arms in horribly ineffective, karate-like attempt to extinguish fire*

“FUCK OFF BRO, AAAAAHHH!!!”

*runs back to save now entirely aflame truck*

*manages to slam one more Miller 64 from cargo bed cooler*

*burns hand trying to detach & save diamond plate trucknutz*

“GAAAH FUCK IT’S SO HOT BRO…”

*snags halfway-melted basketball shorts on fender*

*basketball shorts immediately ripped clean off*

*body swings around, hits head on wheel well*

*goes unconscious*

*begins to hallucinate*

*drifts off into bro time and bro space*

BRO_eye1

BRO_dave1

BRO_space1

BRO_eye2

BRO_dave2

BRO_space2

BRO_eye3

BRO_dave3

BRO_space3

*goes beyond the bro infinite*

BRO_monolithview

BRO_room1

BRO_room2

BRO_room3

*snaps back to reality for final breath*

“br… bro… woOo0oooOooo…”

*life leaves bro body*

*dies drunk and pantsless*

*evacuates bro bowels*

*bro body consumed by spreading gasoline fire*

*softer metals from the engine compartment melt, leaking onto the grass in long streaks*

*truck fire eventually dies down, metal snapping and crackling as it cools*

*all light fades; a burned out F-150 and partially scorched tree are lit by a pale moonlight*

*charred bro skeleton is urinated upon by a passing coyote, sizzling slightly*

*ashen bro remains float off into night sky, carried by the wind, landing in nearby barley field*

barley

*barley is nourished by nutrient-rich ashes*

*crop is harvested weeks later and purchased by an international beverage conglomerate*

*barley is prepared for brewing process*

*brewed into latest batch of Keystone Light*

*Keystone Light is shipped and sold to businesses across the continent*

*weeks later, a (different) bro pulls up to his local BDubs*

*parks blue Dodge Ram with UFC bumper sticker and American flag trucknutz across three spaces*

*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess, sits at bar*

“SUP BRO! ONE KEYSTONE LIGHT!”

BRO_FIN

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  • This might be one of the best things I’ve ever read. Here or anywhere else.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Thanks Joe! A different bro may return soon for more wackiness.

  • Randall Thor

    Truly advanced level transcendental stuff

  • This post is the reason we all exist.

    • Randall Thor

      I got so excited when I saw this in the scheduled posts.

      • Xan

        As did I.

  • Dëpütÿ Dïpshït

    We are all one; gone full circle.

    Dust in the wind.

    That was the deepest saga I’ve ever bared witness to.

  • W.

    I felt like I was eating chicken wings on M. C. Escher’s staircase.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Oh no…

  • Cock of Steele

    All is dust.

  • Tyree

    Miller 64, Hahahahaha!!!

  • Dëpütÿ Dïpshït

    BDubsBro is like the Toilet ov Hell’s Bill Brasky.

      • Dëpütÿ Dïpshït

        Thanks, Joe! I sometimes forget that I’m old. 😀

    • Scrimm

      BILL BRASKY!!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        ;;;;;;;;;;;;; check this out

        • Scrimm

          I wish that was mine. Dammit.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            you ever see beerfest ? das boot. That was a pretty funny show although no one seemed to like it. The actor who played the german teams’ coach was in the german war movie also called das boot ( boat in english). I saw it in the theatre in 81, it had subtitles, was about 3 hours and as boring as hell. My dad took me because it was rated r.

          • Scrimm

            I love Beerfest. All of the broken lizard movies, really.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            super troopers is an all time comedy classic. The first time i watched it i laughed literally through the whole movie. Club dread was odd because if you took away some of the big jokes it was a very good slasher horror movie. My favorite thing in it that was when they had that giant pacman maze , i laughed for a long time about that although i lived through the pac man craze of the early 80’s. The girls were pretty hot too.

          • Scrimm

            I agree. Club Dread would have been a decent horror flick if they had removed all the comedy. I liked the pac man maze too. Slammin Salmon had some classic moments as well.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Jürgen Prochnow is a badass, too bad he’s not in more films.

      • Rizzle01

        I found this while looking for old Bill Brasky skits. It’s actually pretty funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljIEiG3FyQ4 “He can shoot a 17 on a 18 hole course.”

        • Scrimm

          My favorite is the funeral one.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      For the snobbier bro: http://i.imgur.com/PWM3rxt.jpg

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        Man, just the sight of these guys makes me sick. I wish i could forward their addresses to a serial killer so he could get rid of them like dexter got rid of societies assholes.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          They deserve a point-blank coal roll to the face

      • Phuo

        These are the bros I’m used to seeing. More Jeep Wrangler than F150.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          The Saga of Snobby Bro?

          • SMOHLG

            YES!

          • Cock ov Steele

            Welcome to Scottsdale

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    YOU JUST DON’T GET IT THAT A F150 DOES NOT HAVE A DIESEL MOTOR IN IT, THEREFOR IT DOES NOT ROLL COAL, bro.

    • Your downfall will be the fact that you underestimate the Bdubs bro’s bro power.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        CUMMINS OR DURAMAX or GO HOME, bro.

        • Scrimm

          I hated working on the cummins. Bullshit.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The bros, uh… found a way.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        Which is a scientific impossibility.Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          BROSENBURG BROCERTAINTY PRINCIBRO

          HAVE A BEER BRAH LET’S RAGE A MADDEN SESH

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Can’t I’m mezmerized by this Dodge Dakota

  • Hank Hill

    These are the things you hear on a typical day at ASU.

    • Randall Thor

      Arizona or Appalachian?

      • Hank Hill

        Arizona

        • Randall Thor

          NC Master Race

          • Xan

            Fuck yeah m/! I’m heading to the Master Race ASU next year.

        • Scrimm

          AZ is full of these guys.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Just Scottsdale, or all over?

          • Scrimm

            Scottsdale is really bad, but they are all over.

  • Gurp

    I feel a heart-wrenching pang of sadness knowing the Ballad of BDubs Bro has concluded.

    • I plan on driving to Chicago and begging on my hands and knees that CyberneticOrganism somehow continue his work of staggering genius.

  • Tyree

    No joke, on the way to work I saw a Jeep covered in mud and the sticker on the rear view window said “Mud Slut”. Yeah Brah! I brought a bitch with my bitch BRAH!

  • Phuo

    RIP 🙁

    • CyberneticOrganism

      RIP

  • hahahha i lost it at telling the fire to “fuck off bro”

    • Xander Crews

      Lmao me too! “Fuck off bro aaaaaaahhh” I kept reading his voice in the voice of the little alien (Skeeter? Maybe?) from Aqua Teen. DUDE my DAD owns this DEALERSHIP!!!

      • KJM

        Skeeter it is.
        “Dude, he floated the whole keg himself!!”

  • Cybernetic Organism, my awesome fuse has been blown.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *pulls Natty Ice can out of pocket, throws it over to you*

  • Xander Crews

    I seriously want to animate this…

    • W.

      We need to get H Jon Benjamin to do the voice-acting.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I was considering The Audio Adventures of BDubs Bro, a series of podcast-like audio sketches

      • Xander Crews

        DUDE that’s BRILLIANT BRAH! lol seriously though, there’s nothing wrong with multiple adaptations…

  • God

    I like skillet. UMAD BRO? *smashes keystone light can on forehead*

    • W.

      Interesting. I always pegged God as a Guinness deity.

    • Me too, great for grilling burgers!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Do you like them because they’re fond of you, or just in general?

      • God

        In general. Their album Comatose was a fantastic symphonic/rock masterpiece.

  • crazytaco_12

    The legend is finally complete *tears of astonishment*, I’ll take 2 copies on DVD, one to watch, one to never open.

  • I wasn’t told about this type of cycle on Cosmos.
    NDT, I am disappoint.

  • JWG

    This is a completely unrelated thing, but I felt it needed to be shared if it hadn’t been already:

    http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2014/09/raunchy-devil-statue-appears-outside-skytrain-station/

    NSFW Warning: Unpixelated Statue Penis

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I saw that this morning, fucking brilliant. What’s the artist’s disqus login?

      • JWG

        I don’t know, but there are two guys circulating Change.org petitions to have it reinstalled.

        One wants it back from where it was removed. The other wants to put it on display in his “Odditorium”.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Sucks that they broke the leg in half; didn’t look like the highest quality creation but it’ll get some laughs in someone’s private collection. Maybe God Seed can use it for a stage prop.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Perfection.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Thanks, King ┼ ┼ ┼

  • Scrimm

    I the pictures really put this over the top. Cant… stop… laughing.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Didn’t get to use this one

      • Scrimm

        This must continue.

  • old_man_doom

    Holy fuck that was outstanding.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Groovy, thanks Ash

  • he didn’t tap out, the ref stopped it. *sheds tear*

  • RustyShackleford

    never felt more qualified to yep anything in the history of merica

    Yep!

  • THIS IS A HALL OF FAME TYPE FLUSHING!!!

  • KJM

    The motherfuckin saga continues…

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      Hey man, sorry about the celtic frost comments if they rustled you. It’s all a part of my character over in FFB, it’s like a wrestling character , i have to be consistent or i lose my audience.

      • JWG

        A heel Conan is much more plausible than that He-Man poser not being a goody-goody.

      • KJM

        I know. It’s all good.

  • KJM

    2014: A Bro Odyssey

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Tilted Kilt and Beyond The Infinite

  • KJM

    Et In Arcadia Bro

  • MoshOff

    Skillet. @Vance.

  • That was beutiful, Cyber.

    I lost it at the 2001 reference.

  • Pierre Generic

    “My God, it’s full of Brahs!”

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    That was beautiful. It was so beautiful I shed a single manly tear after reading it.

  • Simon Phoenix

    Dat’s some deep shit right there bro.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    2 ultra annoying fall flat on their face preachy pious statements.

  • Lacertilian

    Bro!

  • Jointsalot

    Makes me feel like standing up and clapping toward my screen

  • Rizzle01

    I’m wondering if I should buy a F-150 now since I love me some BWW & Fireballs. I would skip on the shitty hard rock, however.

  • The trvest

    Keep douchebag dudebros out ov trv metal!

  • Richard

    Is this the place everyone migrated to from TNM?

  • Stockhausen

    FIRST.