The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 2: Et Tu, Basketball Shorts?

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 Previously on The Ballad of BDubs Bro…

*runs out to garage with overbearing odor of yard waste and stale beer*

*opts out of driving roommate’s black Ford F-150 with camouflage trucknutz and this bumper sticker*

*chooses own, red Ford F-150 with diamond plate trucknutz and this bumper sticker*

*peels out of quiet suburban neighborhood at 60mph*

*rolls coal the entire fucking trip*

bro_coalroll_collage

*blasts Five Finger Death Punch on stereo*

“THIS IS THE FUCKIN’ HEAVIEST SHIT EVER, BRO! YEAH GONNA GET OUR DICKS WET TONIGHT!”

*high fives roommates in anticipation of wetting dick*

*screams “WOOOOO!!!” out window after spotting woman several blocks away*

*pulls into nearest BDubs, parks across three spaces*

*spots Toyota Prius in adjacent parking space with unassuming mother and daughter inside*

“COAL ROLL TIME, BRO! FUCKIN’ A RIGHT!”

bro_coalroll

*slams on gas, rolls coal for two full minutes*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” the entire time*

*roommate rocks hips toward exhaust pipes to represent sexual intercourse with truck*

*walks into BDubs, ignores hostess and grabs table nearest to giant flatscreen*

bdubs_exterior

“Hey guys! My name is Katie and I’ll be your serv“JUST GET US THREE BUD LIGHTS.”

*high fives roommate in appreciation of asserting himself by interrupting the waitress*

*waitress brings drinks over*

“So you guys thinking about some food tonight? We’ve got our spec“THREE ORDERS OF BONELESS JALAPENO WINGS.”

*leers at waitress’ ass as she walks away*

“LOOKS EDIBLE TO ME BRO HA HA HA, WOO!”

*high fives roommates in mutual appreciation of waitress’ ass*

*plays five Jason Aldean songs on internet jukebox*

*watches 12 different sports games on 40 different TVs*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time a team (any team) scores*

bro_eatwings

*slams four more Bud Lights*

*winks at waitress as she helps another table*

“CHEcK THiS OUT bRO, MY nNUTS ARE GONNA… GOnnA BE On HER ChIN BY TEh NEXT C0AL ROLL… YOu FUCkiN WatCH mE BRo…”

*slides off barstool, drunkenly shuffles toward waitress*

“SO WHaT’s IT GoNNa TAKE tO OpeN THosE LeGS FOR BuSIN…”

*basketball shorts snag on sharp splinter of wooden chair*

*heavy chair drags behind, pulling basketball shorts lower*

“GEt ThE FuCK… OFF Me BRrO!”

*kicks chair away, immediately yanking basketball shorts down to ankles*

*filthy Rockstar Energy Drink boxer shorts exposed to entire restaurant*

*trips, ricochets off table, falls backward onto floor*

bro_equation2

*splays and kicks legs in vain attempt to free self from knotted, treacherous basketball shorts*

“FUuUCK!”

*roommates point and laugh mercilessly*

bro_pointlaugh

*grabs table to pull self up from floor, spills young boy’s chocolate milk all over boxer shorts*

*gets slapped in the dick by upset young boy*

“FUCkIN’ MOtHERFfUkCIN BULLsHIT BRO!”

*slams one more Bud Light from table*

*abandons roommates, runs mortified out of BDubs to parking lot*

bro_upset

To be continued…

 

(header image via) | (img 1 via) | (img 2 via) | (img 3 via) | (img 4 via) | (img 5 via)

  • Mighty and glorious.

  • KJM

    The drama continues…

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Let’s listen to black metal.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znLOQ90_txI
    Also some “dark metal?”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6PKFPfxSVA

    • let’s listen to that five finger death punch song.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Why do you have to rustle my jimmies?

        • its part of my plan to find out who you really are. AFK.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Rustling my jimmies will only make it harder for you.

  • Tyree

    Never stop doing these ever please.

    walks into BDubs, ignores hostess and grabs table nearest to giant flatscreen* LMFAO!

  • Metaphysical Anus

    I feel left out. I still don’t understand this stuff.

    • You really haven’t seen any dudes like this? I need to move to Finland.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        There are no dudes like this here. At least I haven’t seen them.

        • Tyree

          Consider your self lucky!

        • *Marks Finland off of list of livable countries*

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Helsinki probably has them, but everyone hates people from Helsinki. It’s a cesspool of shitty people.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            We wouldn’t want you here.

        • crazytaco_12

          This is really hard to explain, but bro culture is basically just super ignorant, arrogant guys who act like jackasses on the reg. This article and this video might help you understand this curious people. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brenYHCxaCo

          • Metaphysical Anus

            My lack of god! Are there people like this?

          • crazytaco_12

            Yeah dude, they’re crawling all over Murica

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I’ll start building a wall around Finland right fucking now!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Yes, build the anti-bro wall, save Finland.

    • bruh what you gotta understand is, you either roll coal or you don’t, it aint that hard brosef, you just pound some buds, up top your boys, pregame some beers and fight moves before you go to bdubs, watch the fight, mack on some sluts, take em home and never call em again. its science man. like i totally blew a speaker in my ram once playing ax7 too loud so i tore off my dashboard, slapped some monster, n0s stickers on it, shes good to go bro. it’s the game man

      • ^^^ This guy gets it! HIGH FIVE BRUH!

      • This is scarily real. Are you….are you a bdubs bro for real?

        • nah i just know a dude who legit; this is his life. LETS DO SOME BURNOUTS IN THE JEEP BLASTIN THE MUDVAYNE BRO

          • these Bdubs posts seem like ridiculous nonsense but no, there is no exaggeration, NONE. this shit is as real as it gets.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        BRO LET’S HIT THE BDUBS

    • is Finland a no-bro-zone?

      • Metaphysical Anus

        Yes.

        • Cock of Steele

          I thought you said something last week about having a bro variant?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            They are a small minority mostly found in Helsinki. Helsinki isnthe worst city in Finland.

  • Owlswald

    Come at me bro

    • CyberneticOrganism

      *comes*

      • Metaphysical Anus

        *cums*
        #EasyJokes

        • You would make a good bdubsbro man.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            You would make a good catholic priest.

          • Nah I haven’t made up enough silly rules to qualify.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Jack Bauer is helping those little choir boys.

          • Helping them escape the invisible anus that haunts them at night.

          • This is getting weird, stopping now.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t haunt people.

  • Randall Thor
    • Howard Dean

      All three primary colors of the asshole color wheel. Nice!

      • Randall Thor

        I totally own clothes in all three of those colors (polos and shorts)

        • Howard Dean

          I stay away from pastels, mostly. I own a dress shirt close to that blue, and a bunch of shirts and a few ties in pink/salmon/coral. I don’t think I own anything like that yellow, though. I have a few yellow ties, but nothing quite that… bright.

          • Randall Thor
          • Howard Dean

            Alpha Masta Beta.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Business up top, aunt Martha’s summer wardrobe down below

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Martha’s Vineyard

          • he’s in Robot House obvi.

          • Randall Thor

            Robot House!?

            LOOKS LIKE WE GOT OURSELVES A GDI BOYS

            http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/dam/assets/121030095709-bully-locker-story-top.jpg

          • NDNOvHell

            ROBOT HOOOOOUUUSSE!!!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            movie review wednesday. “A virgin among the living Dead” (jess franco – 1974)
            This is fucking awesome, where do i start. First of all, the euro chicks are so molten fucking hot you woud get 3rd degree burns on your dick. No shit. Natural breasts, long legs, lean bodies, dirty blonde long hair. Just how CONAN likes em. There is more bush on display here than in a forest. Goddamn ! This is genuinely creepy and perverse as well. Great work by spanish director jess franco. His early stuff was definitely his best. Remember to stick with the 70’s. Now this is what i call erotica. You can have your silicone chicks of today, i want my girls natural, the way god intended. And you can bet event the father, son & holy ghost are getting off watching this shit. CROM approved.

          • Director Michael Bay breathes much needed new life into the war movie genre by making “Pearl Harbor” a crowd-pleasing musical in the tradition of the great MGM extravaganzas of the forties and fifties. Bay introduces colorful song and dance numbers into the Sunday morning tussle that welcomed America into WWII, and thereby turns what would otherwise be a pedantic history lesson into a popcorn-munching good time.

            The film opens with the performance of the jaunty “Rots of Bombs”. The Japanese pilots are quietly performing pre-attack calisthenics on the deck of a carrier when Admiral Yamamoto (Akio Mikuni) appears and begins a spirited, samba-tinged call and response. Jumping jacks turn into rumba dancing as Yamamoto sings out questions and the pilots merrily reply: “Who has bombs?/We have bombs/How many bombs?/Rots of bombs.”
            Back in Oahu, American pilots Dex and Dewey (Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett)share the affection of nurse Rhonda (Kate Beckinsale). The three are tangled in the afterglow of a night of tropical lovemaking when the attack begins. As they drive their jeep to the airfield, Affleck and Hartnett show off heretofore unheard vocal talent when they sing the haunting ballad “Snuggle Time”, which includes: “When we kissed our baby bye-bye/We tasted last night’s mai-tai./Now we’ve lost our morning mojo/Thanks to Admiral Tojo./We should be sandwiching our baby /But they’re torpedoing our navy./There is no bigger crime/Than missing snuggle time.”
            The only misstep in “Pearl Harbor” is an ill-conceived hip-hop tune by Alec Baldwin as Lt. Jimmy Doolittle. Leading his squadron on a reprisal bombing of Japan, Baldwin flips his fighter cap around backwards and begins rapping: “Whacha bomb my homies for/It’s disrespectful, doncha know?/Now I gotta even up the score/And jack some pain on Tokyo.” It seems disingenuous that onboard the bombers are coolers of malt liquor.
            Otherwise, “Pearl Harbor” combines the magic of Hollywood with the mirth of war. The seamless merging of rousing show tunes with exploding flight decks will leave you feeling proud and prickly. And what’s Yamato with that?

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            …….

          • Howard Dean

            I think this needs to be a feature on ToH. Seriously. You need to start writing reviews for old school horror flicks that are metal as fuck.

          • crazytaco_12

            Thanks for the idea!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I would love to watch this but my gf would be pissed if I did.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            Well it’s not porn by any means, especially not this one, just a lot of nudity and implied sex. It doesn’t fit a category, just like argento or fulci, it is it’s own category, stands alone. A franco movie is a singular experience. EW allude to it in their lyrics. For example venus in furs from B Masses is about the franco film of the same name.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I have sky blue cargo shorts from American eagle. Does that make me an asshole?

        • Howard Dean

          Not necessarily, though by the laws of probability and the science of sampling, it probably increases the chance.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            That science is untrue and that statement was a trick question. I am a very nice guy and I would never be an asshole, especially to women. When I act like the nice gentleman I am it makes women force themselves on me. I love that fact because it made every woman I went to high school want me even more then they would have considering I was muscular and extremely popular.

        • Xan

          Worry not. The only clothing I own are cargo pants and collared plaid shirts. I am hipster incarnate.

          • Scrimm

            I dont own anything thats not black,grey, or camo. it’s a bitch when something happens i need to dress up for.

    • I just came.

    • Tyree

      I always wanted a shirt with one yellow sleeve and one pink sleeve.

    • This looks like something dwayne wade would wear.

    • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

      that’s pretty much what Johnny Manziel wore pregame a few mondays ago

  • Only the BDubs saga is real. All other uses of the internet are bullshit.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Chapter 3 is going in a strange direction at the moment

      • I can’t handle the anticipation…

      • Edward Meehan

        When I’m on the internet, I type “lol” a lot but that doesn’t actually indicate any type of response. I actually laughed out loud at this!

      • Stockhausen

        It better. IT BETTER.

      • Scrimm

        I am waiting on the edge of my seat.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      This is the paradise they claim heaven is. This is what happens when you die, god tells you stories like this.

  • Tyree

    High five those greasy wing sauce covered hands.

  • That was fucking awesome. I actually let this terrorist live a few seconds longer because it was just so funny.

    • Howard Dean

      Making terrorists enjoy the glory of suburban American dudebros for a few seconds before you snap their necks is a wonderful torture technique. Well done, sir.

      • Haha yea except I don’t snap their necks. I just lock them in a soundproof room that has surround sound speakers playing portal on repeat and wait for them to end it.

        • Howard Dean

          That would be awesome if you could literally kill them with sound waves. Like find a brown note derivative, play it at 140+db, and watch as their intestines rupture and void all over the floor. The soundtrack to Total Death!

          • lol yes! bit messy though.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Did you know that this is legal now?

          • Is that how you became Metaphysical?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. What’s it to you?

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I don’t know. It would be nice to tell the story as I sip on grape Mello Yellow by the hot tub in my hotel. I may be 27 but that shit is good.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            That story is only for me to know. It’s hidden deep.

        • Xan

          Have you ever found that the subject will turn into a pile of oozing flesh and then reanimate into Cthulhu peons? That’s been my experience when torturing bitch-ass bitches.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            bitch-ass bitches are the worst kind of bitches

  • Tyree

    This equation is glorious.

  • “*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time a team (any team) scores*” ahahahaha

    • Tyree

      Sports go sports!

      • CyberneticOrganism

        HIGH FIVE BRO!

        • Howard Dean

          “Bro, no fucking way! I was all-state senior year. All the sluts wanted my saw-seege!”

        • Tyree

          Totally! Hey waitress!!! Another order of wings and 4 more Bud Lights!

          • CyberneticOrganism

            BRO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BANG THE WAITRESS AHAHAHA FUCKIN’ A, BRO

            *looks up porn on phone in public*

          • Tyree

            With the volume on really loud!

          • ahahah dude check this hot bitch, nice box right bro?!!

  • Guacamole Jim

    I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT FUKFUKFUK

  • NDNOvHell

    *spots Toyota Prius in adjacent parking space with unassuming mother and daughter inside*
    *slams on gas, rolls coal for two full minutes*

    what an asshole. hahaha good stuff

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    I’d like to point out that you CAN NOT buy a F 150 with a Diesel motor in it. Furthermore, the bumper sticker of choice for your various PowerStroke, Cummins, Duramax purveyors is this:

    • @CyberneticOrganism:disqus BRAH! YOUR HONOR HAS BEEN FUCKIN’ IMPUGNED BRAH!

    • Howard Dean

      And, for most the coal rollers I’ve come in contact with, other bumper stickers of choice would be a confederate flag or the ever popular “Obama bin Biden” sticker.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        You must also live in a rural part of New England

        • Howard Dean

          You are correct, sir. Northern New England. Very beautiful. Very hillbilly.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            this bro rolls his coal in what are known as the Berkshires

          • Howard Dean

            This bro rolls his coal in North/Central New Hampshire. However, this bro’s bro actually lives in the Berkshires. He rolls his coal in Lenox.

            Translation (because that was terribly convoluted): I live in Northern/Central New Hampshire, but I have a brother that lives in the Berkshires, in Lenox.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            this is an incredibly small world. I lived in the ‘Dale for 3 years. Not too far from the HA clubhouse where these three upstanding citizens spent a lot of time before going all homicidal during that wacky hurricane that came through here a few yrs ago.

          • Howard Dean

            Why would anyone ever think that guy in the middle picture was shady? Looks pretty trustworthy to me. He has horns!

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL
          • Howard Dean

            Wow. Didn’t realize he was a fucking vampire! His real name isn’t quite as trve, though: Roy C. Gutfinski Jr. Sounds more like a vacuum salesman than nosferatu. Haha. I understand the name change, now.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            GAH!

          • crazytaco_12

            Woah, I didn’t no Coal Chamber actually killed people!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I roll my coal all over New York. Currently rolling it in lake george.

          • Howard Dean

            Are you currently in Lake George because you’re there with Torrie Wilson, or because you’re having surgery on a torn quad? Or is it because your girlfriend–who is also your brother’s best friend–died? Or because you broke kayfabe by being arrested with the Iron Sheik, and you need to cool off for awhile?

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            He’s there because his doctor told him that drinking Soda is a great way to keep kidney cancer in remission

          • Scrimm

            Single greatest post in the history of the toilet. I sincerely thank you Mr. Dean.

            BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            None of the above are the case.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      BRO MY FUCKIN’ DAD OWNS THE LARGEST CUSTOM SHOP IN THE TRI-COUNTRY AREA BRO, THIS SHIT IS ALL CUSTOM BRO NOW LETS HIGH FIVE AND RAGE A CASE OF KEYSTONES

  • Howard Dean

    Phillip Rivers is such an asshole.

  • “CHEcK THiS OUT bRO, MY nNUTS ARE GONNA… GOnnA BE On HER ChIN BY TEh NEXT C0AL ROLL… YOu FUCkiN WatCH mE BRo”

    this is where i passes out from laughing.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Tried to textually represent drunk speech as best I could

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      I want to get a tattoo of tattoo too.

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        I got a tattoo of Mr Bojangles

        • Metaphysical Anus

          I got a tattoo of you with a tattoo of Mr Bojangles.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          I was going to get these, but then I remembered I can just rip my flesh off and expose the real thing.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            these are great, the first one looks the best to my eye anyways.

      • Xan

        Is that the dude from The Man With the Golden Gun?

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          yea that’s him, he was also in the 70’s series fantasy island with ricardo montalban ( khan in star trek !) I didn’t think anyone on here would have seen the show.
          Montalban was in phenomenal shape for an old man too.
          The name of the little guys’s character on the show was tattoo thus the joke.

  • How much for the movie rights?

    • CyberneticOrganism

      A DOZEN TICKETS TO COUNTRY THUNDER FOR MAH BROS HELLZ YEAH BRO

  • Xan

    What fate lies in store for the ill-fated bro? I guess I shall have to wait to discover this mystery.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I’ll observe my bro neighbors this weekend and become inspired. And probably also drink some IPA and listen to metal.

  • crazytaco_12

    Oh, oh my god, my fucking body hurts so bad. I started hiccupping I laughed so hard. This is beautiful, this is art.

  • Simon Phoenix

    Holy shit dude. This is pure epic hilarity.

    I want Part 3 naow.

  • old_man_doom

    I laughed way more than I should have when he called the table “BRrO”.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      your avatar = win

  • I don’t know about any of you, but this saga is the only one I care to see the resolution of.

  • Gurp

    HOW DID I MISS THIS?