The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 1: I Bro, Therefore I Bro

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*iPhone alarm playing Red Solo Cup goes off at 11:45 AM*

*wakes up with ever-present cheap beer half hangover*

*stretches for two seconds, does six push-ups*

*feels pride in his proactive workout schedule*

*admires self in mirror with Under Armour stickers in corner*

“I LOOK FUCKIN’ SWOLL, BRO!”

*changes out of slept-in basketball shorts*

*puts on different pair of basketball shorts*

*opts out of brushing teeth, bathing*

*heads downstairs to living room with overbearing odor of feet and crotch*

bro_living_room

*has two Monster Energy Drinks and bag of Doritos for breakfast*

*plays Madden NFL 25 for three hours*

*first roommate (also wearing basketball shorts) enters living room*

“SWEET YOU FUCKIN’ PLAYING SOME MADDEN BRO?”

*high fives roommate in mutual appreciation of Madden franchise*

*plays Madden with roommate for another two hours*

*stands up, shouts “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time he scores*

*second roommate (wearing a different variety of basketball shorts) enters living room*

“SUP BROS TIME TO RAGE ON SOME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”

*shuffles out to overgrown, weed-strewn lawn*

*kicks waterlogged cardboard Natty Ice box into retired neighbor’s yard*

bro_beer_trash

“CAN’T RAGE THE BAGS WITHOUT SOME FUCKIN’ BEERS BRO!”

*opens cooler left outside for past four nights*

*slams four warm cans of Bud Light*

*blasts Theory of a Deadman on stereo*

*retired neighbor politely asks bros to keep it down, makes good-natured self-deprecating joke about his age*

*is ignored entirely, drowned out by chanted chorus of “BAD BAD GIRLFRIEND! HA HA FUCKIN’ SLUTS BRO!”*

bro_bro_bro2

*high fives roommate in acknowledgement of sluts*

*plays bags with roommates for two hours*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time they score*

“BRO I’M THINKING IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR SOME BDUBS, BRO! BDUBS! BDUBS! BDUBS!”

bro_bdubs

*slams another two warm cans of Bud Light in celebration of going to BDubs*

*goes inside, changes into formal basketball shorts and finest Aeropostale t-shirt*

*completes ensemble with faux-distressed Tapout hat*

*briefly considers wearing this instead, decides to save it for next BDubs trip or upcoming career fair*

*douses self with two types of Axe Body Spray*

“AIGHT LET’S GO FUCKIN’ RAGE SOME BDUBS AND ROLL SOME COAL, BROS!”

bro_thumbs_up

 

To be continued…

 

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