The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 1: I Bro, Therefore I Bro

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*iPhone alarm playing Red Solo Cup goes off at 11:45 AM*

*wakes up with ever-present cheap beer half hangover*

*stretches for two seconds, does six push-ups*

*feels pride in his proactive workout schedule*

*admires self in mirror with Under Armour stickers in corner*

“I LOOK FUCKIN’ SWOLL, BRO!”

*changes out of slept-in basketball shorts*

*puts on different pair of basketball shorts*

*opts out of brushing teeth, bathing*

*heads downstairs to living room with overbearing odor of feet and crotch*

bro_living_room

*has two Monster Energy Drinks and bag of Doritos for breakfast*

*plays Madden NFL 25 for three hours*

*first roommate (also wearing basketball shorts) enters living room*

“SWEET YOU FUCKIN’ PLAYING SOME MADDEN BRO?”

*high fives roommate in mutual appreciation of Madden franchise*

*plays Madden with roommate for another two hours*

*stands up, shouts “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time he scores*

*second roommate (wearing a different variety of basketball shorts) enters living room*

“SUP BROS TIME TO RAGE ON SOME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”

*shuffles out to overgrown, weed-strewn lawn*

*kicks waterlogged cardboard Natty Ice box into retired neighbor’s yard*

bro_beer_trash

“CAN’T RAGE THE BAGS WITHOUT SOME FUCKIN’ BEERS BRO!”

*opens cooler left outside for past four nights*

*slams four warm cans of Bud Light*

*blasts Theory of a Deadman on stereo*

*retired neighbor politely asks bros to keep it down, makes good-natured self-deprecating joke about his age*

*is ignored entirely, drowned out by chanted chorus of “BAD BAD GIRLFRIEND! HA HA FUCKIN’ SLUTS BRO!”*

bro_bro_bro2

*high fives roommate in acknowledgement of sluts*

*plays bags with roommates for two hours*

*all throw hands in air and shout “OOOOHHHHH!!!” each time they score*

“BRO I’M THINKING IT MIGHT BE TIME FOR SOME BDUBS, BRO! BDUBS! BDUBS! BDUBS!”

bro_bdubs

*slams another two warm cans of Bud Light in celebration of going to BDubs*

*goes inside, changes into formal basketball shorts and finest Aeropostale t-shirt*

*completes ensemble with faux-distressed Tapout hat*

*briefly considers wearing this instead, decides to save it for next BDubs trip or upcoming career fair*

*douses self with two types of Axe Body Spray*

“AIGHT LET’S GO FUCKIN’ RAGE SOME BDUBS AND ROLL SOME COAL, BROS!”

bro_thumbs_up

 

To be continued…

 

(header image via) | (first image via) | (second image via) | (third image via) | (fourth image via) | (fifth image via)

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  • Randall Thor

    What just happened

    • Negrodamus

      lol

    • Your life just changed. It’s the feeling of your life changing.

      • Randall Thor

        Why am I suddenly wearing Sperrys? MSD what’s happening?

        • ME TOO LORD SAVE US.

          • Randall Thor

            Bro, TotalFratMove just popped up in my bookmarks. I also have started calling my coworkers “GEEDS”. I’m afraid.

          • Jus’ chillax bro it is what it is OH GOD WHAT’S HAPPENING

          • Randall Thor

            HA YA BRO, FUKIN GDIS TRYIN TA GET IN OUR PARTIES

          • Cock of Steele

            Dude, where’d you get that pair of chubbies?

          • Randall Thor

            lmgtfy.com/?q=Chubbies

            HAHA FUKIN REKT BRO

          • Cock of Steele
          • I would locker slam the living fuck outta the due in the pink and green. He looks like he needs it. Edit: Of course we’d just laugh about it afterwords and give each other handies while watching softcore porn in the living room of his frat house.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I think he’s a time-travelling hobbit from the 1981 Sears catalog

          • The Black Dahlia Burger
          • Keegan Lavern Still

            I didn’t notice it before but now that I have, I’m seething with irrational rage.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            dadshorts

          • W.

            I so want to be a dad and get dad shorts.

          • Stockhausen

            Maryland Dad Fest.

          • Tyree

            Looks like the MDF crowd. This is us next year when we all go together.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            What is this? When was this agreed?

          • Tyree

            It’s been in the works. We are trying to get the crew to meet up at MDF next year.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Well, I can’t be there. It will probably make many happy.

          • Tyree

            Everyone needs an anus for a friend. You shall be missed.

          • I’m going to start a Kickstarter campaign so you can go.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Plz don’t.

          • i was just joking, boo
            but it would be fun to meet you

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Or were you? *drama intensifies*

          • NDNOvHell

            I’m going to start a Kickstarter campaign so I can go

          • Tyree

            Yes!

          • KJM

            A bunch of us should.

          • NDNOvHell

            That would be excellent!

          • KJM

            If I can(highly doubtful), I will.

          • Cock of Steele

            It was never agreed, it suddenly became.

          • JWG

            I’m suddenly rethinking my interest in MDF, if that’s the proposed uniform.

            Anything but that. Anything. Even if we were all required to show up in giant Carrot costumes…

          • “giant carrot costumes”…
            you just made a sale.

          • Stockhausen

            Hahahahahaha.

          • …I wear chubbies. I was in a fraternity. I SLAY budweisers. I… I think I’m a bro you guys.

          • Cock of Steele

            Et tu Joe?

          • Randall Thor

            Real talk. I own off brand chubbies, sperrys, no croakies, and multiple pastel items of clothing.

            EDIT: Coors Light all day bro

          • GL

          • Say it isn’t so!

            GL

          • Stockhausen

            Truly. There are humans who willingly put things called “Chubbies” on their own bodies. Chubbies.

          • They show off my legz.

          • Stockhausen

            I will accept legz based excuses. Don’t even try with legs though.

          • W.

            I thought chubbies were ladies on the heavier side. Or marijuana cigarettes.

          • Mr.CustodialArts

            That word makes me giggle every time. “Chubbies.” Hee hee!

          • Stockhausen

            I’m…*sniff*…so sorry Joe.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    This post is 2deep4me.

    • Then you’re gonna have a real hard time with my dick, bby.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        How does a flaccid penis have a dick?

        • Logic doesn’t exist in the world of the flaccid penis. Bow to your phallic overlord and kiss the fucking void.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t want to live in a world without logic.

        • Cock of Steele

          We work as a team some days.

  • IfJthenS

    I… do not know this culture. And I do not wish to study it.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      But someone has to.

  • CyberneticOrganism FTW!!!!!

    In my own experience, I feel as though everyone who was not in engineering school lived this way…

    GL

    • I had to work all through college but on days off I was totally just as disgusting.

    • I was in design school, and I was an RA in college, so I never lived this way either. Cheers!

      AC’s FP

    • Fart Johnson

      Oh no there’s plenty of engineering bros too among the future Islamist terrorists and Ron Paul supporters.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I lost my shit.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      I can help you find it.

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      This must be a saga.

  • Beautiful, but you forgot about the part where they jerk each other off but say it isn’t gay.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      It ain’t gay if the balls don’t touch.

      • Cock of Steele

        No that’s a lie! It’s fuckin rad if the balls touch.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          It’s rad, but a little bit gay as well.

    • Rizzle01

      A little no homo goes a long way.

    • SMOHLG

      “So I’m balls deep in this guys ass, I go for the reach around, and the dude has a boner! What a homo! Right?”

  • Ferris Mueller

    Reminds me of every college roommate ever

  • KJM

    That was beautiful…(sniff)

    • Metaphysical Anus

      It made me euphoric.

      • EsusMoose

        Why isn’t Stalin wearing a fedora, euphoria is only attainable through fedora and trench coat

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Euphria is attained by one’s own intellect, not by any phony gods.

          • Cock of Steele

            Intellect is attained by donning a fedora though.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            And a neckbeard.

          • Cock of Steele

            You;re bringing me back to the days of high school in the early 2010s, a new breed of nerd emerges, neither a hipster, nor a nerd, I could never quite classify those people, always in the advanced classes, walking around with their acoustic guitars that they don’t quite know how to play.

          • EsusMoose

            I don’t know, I’ve only ever seen people with fedora’s having reached euphoria. I guess it’s like mensa just with terrible choice in hat choice.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Full disclosure: I have nothing against the BDubs

    • Good. With all this promotion maybe we can get a BUFFALO WILD WINGS SPONSORSHIP. SEEKING BUFFALO WILD WINGS SPONSORSHIP. CONTACT FOR SPONSORSHIP.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        I can get you a sponsorship, but have to pay me.

      • KJM

        “Will say nice things for free wings”.

        Hey, that even rhymes!

      • crazytaco_12

        We need to ask David Vincent for some cheesy promo lines to encourage people to go: “Go to Rough-alo Wild Wings and devour some of their Sicken Wings, along with their devilishly delicious Slashed Potatoes and some Molten Lava cake”

    • KJM

      The BDubs of today are teddy bears compared to the Somerville/Southie townies of the 80s. I got no beef with ’em.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        I enjoy B Dubs’ food from time to time, but I can’t abide bros seeing as how I live next to a house with about 6 of ’em. It is truly a miniature hell on earth, and not the cool cinematic kind.

        • Christian Molenaar

          Are you the cranky retired neighbor trying to harsh my mellow? Here I was thinking you wrote this as an autobiography.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Oh man I wish I was retired, I could sit on my ass all day, drink craft beers and plunk around on an acoustic. All of these bro events are true and happen in real time though.

        • Randall Thor

          Bro, you gotta live by the party, or die by it.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            No thanks! I’ll rather live as a bitter misathropic nihilist.

          • KJM

            The mission of my life is to keep the party going, but not like that.

    • Mother Shabubu III

      Full disclosure: I do. I loathe these people. What a waste of resources, and what a squandering of the precious gift of life they are.

      • Poop Mango

        I think he means the wing place

      • KJM

        Welcome to how I felt in the 80s.

    • SMOHLG

      All the sauces taste the same. Just sticky and sugary. I don’t get it.

      • Cock of Steele

        All sauces are sticky and sugary, only SMOHLG can make them HOT.
        -SMOHLGFAX-

    • Keegan Lavern Still

      I definitely enjoy it from time to time, although I always seem to make the mistake of going when there’s some kind of big game happening. I always bring a book and my headphones with me to drown out the fratty dudebro-ness, but it only seems to make them louder and more obnoxious…

  • Tyree

    I live in State College PA. This is every frat boy here at PSU. I hated my old job as a delivery man picking up rental gear from their trashed fraternity’s. Fucking gross!

    • Bro, no pic, no proof!

      GL

    • Scrimm

      Sounds like the old days at my bands rehearsal studio.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        ROCK AND ROLL

    • Metaphysical Anus

      That’s fucking disgusting!

    • MoshOff

      I can confirm that whenever I go to State College my Bro-Meter goes through the roof.

    • FeelTheDarkness

      State College used to be the shit back in the day. There was a place on campus called Findley Hall and it used to have bands play there. I saw Agnostic Front,Dr. Know,Blag Flag (their last tour),Descendents,C.O.C.,The Meatmen,Minor Threat and so many others there. Most of the time it was 3.00 to get in and then the 90’s came and turned it to poop.

      • FeelTheDarkness

        Black Flag

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      I’ve a theory that university/college students aren’t actually human, just in a kind of cocoon state. How else do you explain them?

      • W.

        As someone who teaches them, a lot of them unfortunately stay in that cocoon for years after graduation.

        • Cock of Steele

          Yeh hehe, I keep getting older but they just stay the same.

  • Scrimm

    I almost just pissed myself. Good job.

  • Owlswald

    I miss college brah. It was the best of times brah. *wipes tear from eye*

    • It is funny to me how time idealizes events in our life… high school, college, first jobs. It is in my opinion although they were fun at times, most of the time it was just stressful as hell. Just my 2cents.

      GL

      • Justin von Grav

        hindsight is 20/20. shit there’s even times where I know i was objectively miserable but i catch myself look back at it and going “hmmm :)” then I catch myself “wait a minute, that sucked”

    • Metaphysical Anus

      I think beign a baby was the best time of my life. No responsibilities, no morals and no object permanence. That’s the way to live!

      • SMOHLG

        You could literally shit yourself and no one would even yell at you. It was the best of times.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          You could just stab someone without any consequenses, if you were able to stab people. Most of us weren’t.

          • SMOHLG

            Naturally, but if you did ¯_(ツ)_/¯

  • Middenface McFidget

    Could someone explain to me what the hell Bdubs are?

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt

    OK, someone needs to explain Buffalo Wild Wings to me. Is there an attraction to the place other than wings? I’m asking because there’s been talk about one opening in my area and a lot of people are excited. This leaves me perplexed, because in the area where I live I don’t think there’s a single person who doesn’t have at least 1 bar/restaurant within 10 miles that serves absolutely kick-ass wings, and 5-10 others that have perfectly passable wings. Say what you want about the shit-hole that is NEPA, but we are blessed with great wings (and pizza…and pierogies…and kielbasa).

    • Some people get really, really excited about a known quantity (i.e. chain restaurants). It’s the reason there’s a Joe’s Crab Shack in the middle of the San Francisco Wharf. The branding behind BDubs is very BEERS! and SPORTS! BRO! so it seems to attract a certain breed of lifted-truck asshole.

      • Cock of Steele

        They could make a bucket selling BDubs Affliction tees.

        • Keegan Lavern Still

          Are you telling me that they don’t already? I refuse to believe it.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I think people are simply wowed at shiny new franchises, any kind really. A Sonic opened up not far from me a couple years ago and the line on opening day was about a half mile long, and continued like that for several weeks.

      • Mother Shabubu III

        I’ve tried Sonic. I don’t understand the obsession people have with it either. I mean sure it beats the inedible crap other fast food joints shit out, but it’s not worth sitting through a line for.

    • Rizzle01

      The thing that brings me back is the wings. IMHO the flavors are off the charts. I love almost every single flavor! I have been trying wings at other places to see if I can find a place that surpasses BDubs but I have yet to find such a place. I was late to the wing party so that might explain my affinity for their flaovrs but again imo Tilted Kilt, Cheerleaders, Hooters, Wingers, Wings, etc… can’t even begin to compare. If you want to wonder in casually try the Parm-Garlic or a mix of Medium and Chipotle BBQ. The Asain Zing and Jammin Jalepeno are pretty respectable as well. For a little more spice try Spicy Garlic or Thai Curry.

    • Fart Johnson

      Sometimes Hooters is just too heteronormative and you need a change of pace, but still want to catch the game and eat some wingz.

  • Beunhaas

    This is very funny and all that, but do people like this actually exist?

    • Their prevalence would surprise you.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      I hope not, but my hopes are false.

    • Christian Molenaar

      If you’ve been to any American college town this is 67% of the population.

      • Cock of Steele

        I used to do maintenance stuff and workout at a Crossfit Gym, quite the hotspot for brotivity.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Unfortunately for mankind, yes.

    • KJM

      Yes. If anything, this is mild in comparison to reality.

      • Christian Molenaar

        Yeah, I was surprised he woke up so uneventfully. In real life he would have peacefully woken up in the drunk tank after one too many Natty Ice tallboys led him to pee on the steps of town hall.

        • KJM

          In the 80s Somerville version, he would’ve been in court being tried for assaulting an officer after drinking a six of Bud Talls and popping some Black Beauties(speed).

    • This was the majority of guys in my dorm in college.

    • Xan

      I’ll tell you next year. I’m currently doing community college (SAVIN’ DEM BUCKZ) and all that seem to be here are 80% asian and then some gangsta’ swag boys thrown in.

    • Poop Mango

      Do you not have an area in your city where there are a high concentration of bars, clubs, and “ultralounges”? Because on a Friday night in that area, you will see hundreds of them on their quest to get pussy and/or get in a fight.

      • Beunhaas

        I’m not American so this particular breed of bro is alien to me. We do have Clubs and bars and such in my town, but I do not recognize these people.

  • Gurp

    THERE’S A PART TWO, RIGHT? TELL ME THERE’S A PART TWO.

    • Oh yes. The ballad must be completed.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        The Ballad of BDubs Bro 2: BDub Harder

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The Ballad of BDubs Bro: Chapter 2: There and Back Again

      • Don’t forget to mention the ford taurus with unecessary spoiler.

      • Gurp

        Also, thanks for including the sources of those images too, those ate up my morning.

  • MoshOff

    I lost it at Theory of a Deadman. Well played, sir.

  • Formal basketball shorts lmao

  • Never been to ‘Bdubs’. That likely won’t change.

    • Not Vincent Bennett

      I have. I knew people who worked there. It wasn’t much to write home about.

    • SMOHLG

      There are about a billion TVs which is nice if you’re catching a game, the food is completely ‘meh’

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    the Bro Stamp of Approval

    • CyberneticOrganism

      coal rolling appears in chapter 2

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        let me know if you need images or lifestyle insight

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Ha ha will do

    • W.

      Lulz

    • SMOHLG

      Finally an idea for my first tattoo

  • dingus

    this did things to my body

  • NefariousDude

    This was my day yesterday verbatim

  • Not Vincent Bennett

    I loved this except for insulting Natty Ice. That was my ex girlfriend’s favorite beer, god rest her soul. I bought a twelve pack of it yesterday and drank it under the tree in my backyard that we carved our names into back when we first had sex. I’m going to miss her very much.

    • Justin von Grav

      that escalated quickly

      • Not Vincent Bennett

        It did. She died on Monday. I miss her so much and I have to go to her wake tonight. I really don’t know if I can bring myself to go to the wake. I loved her and I’ve been spending the time since I found out weeping, drinking Natty Ice and watching these Kiss concert bootleg videos that she enjoyed.

        • KJM

          It’s gonna suck but there’s nothing else for it. Unless her family forbids you to attend for some reason or your presence will cause trouble(be honest), you have to go.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Her family loved me. They said I made her very happy. I’m sure they would want to see me in this dark time for them.

  • NDNOvHell

    Holy shit. This made my day

  • IronLawnmower

    I am glad I don’t have people like this is mein country.

    • Not Vincent Bennett

      This is so common in America, especially where I live.

      • IronLawnmower

        Must suck to be american. Over here we have chavs. They throw stones at the elderly, wreck stolen cars and get pissed in public.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          We have what we call Jonnet. Jonne is a young kid, usually a boy, that drinks energy drinks, smokes weed, drinks alcohol, is an idiot, plays cod and cs all day long and doesn’t study in school.

          • IronLawnmower

            Do they harass people for shits and giggles?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Only kids that are younger than them and the elderly, because they are the only ones that can’t kick their butts into oblivion.

          • IronLawnmower

            So a mix of gamer nerds and chavs then.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Except that these guys are around 12-year-olds.

          • KJM

            The DudeBros here used to.

          • KJM

            Sounds like your typical DudeBro to me.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Are dudebros 12?

          • KJM

            They can be.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            These guys can only be 12-15. After that they’ll become slightly more mature and realize that they’ve fucked up.

          • KJM

            Oh no, an American DudeBro can go at least 1/2 their life without being capable of that kind of self awareness and introspection.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Most of those become elämänkoululaisia (elämänkoulu= the schoolf of life, elämänkoululainen=someone who goes to the school of life). They are basically nationalists, racists, alcoholics, don’t have jobs and are complete idiots.

        • Actually, being an American is great.

          0/5 would not flush!

          GL

        • KJM

          People should think of The US not as one big country, but 50 small ones. I can’t think of many places I would rather live than Somerville, MA, USA. It’s not very Metal, but the people here are usually really nice.

          • Justin von Grav

            no shit my parents are from Somerville. i was born in wakefield, grew up in northern MA/Southern NH

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            Berkshire County FTW!

          • KJM

            Somerville is a very different(and much better) place now than it was when I was a kid. Back in the 80s it was Empire Of The Jocks.

          • Justin von Grav

            for real though you’re so right about that. Like Alabama and Maine have nothing in common.

          • KJM

            Central & Northern Maine are about as close as you get to Alabama but nowhere near as conservative.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I wish I could say Poughkeepsie was a nice place but half of it is a ghetto and the half I live in is full of douchebag bros who really don’t have respect for women. I don’t like Poughkeepsie, but we do have Red Dog beer, so I would stay here for that.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            And Snooki

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Do not bring up Snooki. She is not from Poughkeepsie, she is from the other side of the river in Marlboro and she give us a bad name.

          • more beer

            You do have The chance.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Guess what? The Chance sucks now. The one concert they have had since last October that I absolutely loved was UFO. I used to be an intern there. I didn’t get paid but I got more free tickets than I could use. They did also get a Misfits show that was great. The performance was good and the people I was with were friends of me and my friend Travis who I went with. I met Mushroomhead, Shadows Fall, three people from the Acacia Strain including Vincent Bennett, and the current lineup of the Misfits except for the drummer there. Jerry Only was a very nice guy. He signed my vest.

          • more beer

            I moved out of Westchester 12 years ago. Poughkeepsie defiantly must really suck now. Things change and usually for the worst. That place used to have a lot of good show`s.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            We used to get the best stuff. My dad saw Blue Oyster Cult there twice and Slayer came here in 2007 on their Christ Illusion tour. Ted Nugent came here last year and the year before but he won’t come here anymore because he says Poughkeepsie is a dump. A lot of artists believe that and now we get scene crap. Lots of pop punk and post hardcore crap.

          • more beer

            I lived in Yonkers and White Plains. Yonkers is a dump White Plains not as bad has it`s shitty places. I`m in Denver now there are always good show`s here sometimes too many. You have to be able to pick and choose sometimes. We have King Diamond, Deicide, and Gwar in one week. I make good money but fuck that`s a hard week to swing.

          • KJM

            If I had to move from the Boston area to another city, Denver & Boulder would be high up on that list if not at the top.

          • more beer

            Best thing I ever did was get out of NY. Boulder is just a little to hippie for me Denver is better place for me.

          • KJM

            I have a high tolerance for “hippie” so either city would work.

          • more beer

            It`s cool here I just prefer Denver. There`s a good scene. All the craft beer`s and there is that weed thing.

          • KJM

            I’d probably go with the city that has more Metal shows. I imagine that’s Denver.

          • more beer

            Denver has more show`s and more venue`s plus a few diy venue`s. Plus Black sky Brewery which is a metal brewery that has show`s every third Sunday of the month. They also sponsor one hell of festival!!

          • Pagliacci is Kvlt

            Hell, PA is like 3-4 small countries alone. The heynas in the NE are totally different than the yinzers out west.

          • Max

            That’s the impression I’ve always gotten. I certainly don’t understand how the North and the South are still one country, based on what they always seem to be saying about each other.

    • Metaphysical Anus

      There are not s lot of these in Finland, but more are starting to appear.

      • IronLawnmower

        Goddammit finland.

        • Metaphysical Anus

          Finland, land of shitty kids, conservatist politics and racism.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            ehhh Bro! You guys over there love your diesel cars yeah bro? You guys got these http://www.topgear.com/uk/car-news/diesel-focus-st-2014-6-26 so Jelly bro

          • Metaphysical Anus

            There are a lot of diesel cars here, but I don’t drive a car. I prefer the bicycle.

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            oh that was you? my bad bro

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdDxjge5hmY

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I just don’t understand people like this. Were they dropped when they were little?

          • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

            the bro douche level is off the chain bro!

          • IronLawnmower

            BECAUSE FUCKING OBAMA TRYING TO CHANGE US BUT WE FUCKING LIKE US THE WAY WE FUCKING IS FUCK YOU. They’re basically like thrash metal fans.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Are thrash metal fans like that?

          • IronLawnmower

            Just replace OBAMA with poser.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Yo, we need to be careful!

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Careful of what?

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Look at the picture

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Oh god. How did I not notice that?

          • IronLawnmower

            FUCK YOU POSER DIO DIED FOR YOUR SINS IF IT AIN’T THRASH IT AIN’T MUSIC! HOW DARE OTHER FORMS OF MUSIC EXIST! (Someone legit claimed non-thrash wasn’t music. I linked him Hybrid Theory.) (Fuck what anyone else says it’s a fucking great album)

          • Justin von Grav

            death and lawnmower sitting in a tree, f-l-u-s.h-i-n-g

          • IronLawnmower

            Sexytimes at fort flushworth.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            Oh hell no. I can’t be in a tree, I have fear of hights.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            That is my favorite Linkin Park album and the best selling album of this century.

          • IronLawnmower

            Too bad it’s not music because it’s not thrash :/

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I don’t like Linkin Park…. Don’t be mad plz.

          • IronLawnmower

            In the ennnd it doesn’t even matter

          • Justin von Grav

            bro do u even lift

          • Metaphysical Anus

            No I don’t.

          • KJM

            There is no “Obama”, only Zuul.[/Ghostbusters]

          • Metaphysical Anus
          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I think most of them were. I had a lot of friends that were bros when I was in high school. Most of them weren’t half bad but they could be annoying. They did usually have attractive girlfriends though.

          • KJM

            1/2 the time they were raised by right wing assholes, worse than being dropped.

          • KJM

            I used to bike everywhere, then I started getting older. -__-

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I’ll start using public transportation when I can’t bike anymore. I think that cars are huge waste of money.

          • KJM

            In the immediate Metro Boston area the Public Transit(MBTA)is great, if a bit expensive. The further away you get, the more it sucks.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I gotta ask, do you have the WWE network? If not, correct that now. You get every pay per view from WWE, WCW and ECW and all the current pay per views as they happen for 9.95 a month. I heard that they’re going to be adding all the episodes of Monday Nitro from WCW before October is over.

          • KJM

            I don’t have it yet. I’ve seen the older stuff so many times and I haven’t cared about WWE as strongly since 2002.

            If Vince hadn’t wasted all that money on the XFL he could’ve done this over 10 years ago. It was shitty quality, but WWF.com had streaming video of lots of full matches as early as 1999. They also had a lot of tech savvy people working for them at that point(including the friend that used to get me free Raw/Smackdown tix).

            Instead, Vince decided to start a Football league that choked after one season.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I love the network for the amount of WCW and ECW content that they have. I could care less about anything else there.

          • Metaphysical Anus

            I have to use busses, because my hometown doesn’t have metro.

          • KJM

            My city didn’t have a Subway station until 1984. Strangely enough, it was a pivotal event in Somerville’s history.

          • KJM

            Sounds like many parts of The US as well.

          • Cock of Steele

            And an evil child eating Santa Claus that is currently interred inside a mountain.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      #sausagearms

      • SMOHLG

        “I… will… never… -grunts-… let go” – the watch

  • Stockhausen

    CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHERE THIS COAL ROLLS TO NEXT CRANK THAT FFDP!!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO READ MY SECOND DRAF… I mean uh yeah man we’ll see what happens

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        my smokestack is bursting with anticipation

  • Mother Shabubu III

    A bro would call me a “weeaboo” for listening to this, and because I enjoy a few bands from Japan (Dir en grey, Boredoms, Boris, Zeni Geva, Ruins). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZmsNUr9_dI

  • Rizzle01

    Great, now I want Bdubs.

  • W.

    This is the best thing ever!

  • Justin von Grav

    this was awesome. actual LOLs

    i know some of these IRL. bud light lime and FFDP BRUH, LETS WATCH THE FIGHT BRO

    • Not Vincent Bennett

      I hate UFC because of the bro culture that surrounds it. I would try to like it, but it’s too bro centered for me. I hate Bud Light lime though. Tastes terrible. I do like Miller Lite though, especially the retro cans they currently have.

  • Not Vincent Bennett

    Does anyone like UFC that isn’t a bro? I know it’s supposed to be pretty interesting and they have a thing like the WWE Network that is 10 dollars a month that has every MMA fight from all the companies that UFC’s parent company Zuffa owns and also all the UFC events ever. Should I give it a chance?

    • Poop Mango

      I don’t keep up with it but I’ll watch a fight if it’s on. I know a few non-bro MMA fans but they seem to be the exception, or at least guys like that are pretty quiet about it. If you like boxing and/or martial arts, I’d say it’s worth giving it a shot, it can be pretty entertaining and there is genuine skill involved. But the culture that surrounds it is genuinely awful from the top down (Dana White is basically the prototype for every Tapout wearing douche you’ll ever meet). I don’t think it’s significantly worse than sports culture overall though. If I hadn’t started following analytic-type blogs for the stuff I like, I probably wouldn’t associate with any sports fans.

      • Howard Dean

        [pointing, unnaturally flexing tricep]
        “You see that jabroni over there?”
        “You mean that guy with a limp sitting with his wife and kids?”
        [nods, juts out chin]
        “Yeah, that queer. He keeps looking over here. I don’t know, man. I think he’s talking shit.”
        “Dude! I know! I saw him laugh once, too. He’s totally talking shit.”
        [throws up his hands, folds arms across chest, unnaturally flexing biceps and delts]
        “Yeah, fuck that guy. Who the fuck he think he is? He think he gonna start shit with me?”
        “Fuck that guy.”
        “My fucking uncle Terry trained with Rickson Gracie once. I could triangle choke that guy and beat him with his own nonexistent dick.”
        “Dude, he just looked over here again.”
        “What the fuck?”
        “Dude, kick his ass!”
        [raising voice, approaching table with arms held out unnaturally to the sides]
        “Yo, homeslice. You got something funny you gotta say to me?! Shit aint so funny now, huh?!”

    • Guppusmaximus

      If you really like MMA, you might want to watch Bellator, One FC or Legacy FC because they showcase a lot more up & comers while UFC is good for a few matches for the well known fighters. Unfortunately, the elephant in the room for the UFC is the rules & the judges. Personally, I wouldn’t subscribe…

      *BTW, I’m not a Bro…

      • Not Vincent Bennett

        Bellator has something coming up on Spike on September 5th with Bobby Lashey in the main fight. I might watch it as I remember Lashley from his WWE work.

      • Howard Dean

        PRIDE was a great organization. I really liked them in their heyday, with Fedor, Cro Cop, Wanderlei, Igor, et. al. Their fights were always more interesting to me than the UFC or other leagues.

        • Not Vincent Bennett

          I never watched their programming. I do like that Bellator has their cards on Spike TV instead of pay per view. I also like that Bobby Lashley and the one character I like on Impact Wrestling are part of Bellator, the one character being King Mo.

          • Howard Dean

            PRIDE was great fun. I felt that it wasn’t as streamlined or “sterile” as UFC. It was based in Japan, and featured better fighters (at the time) than UFC, mixed with appearances from a lot of old legends. They fought in a regular boxing ring. They had a lot of catch weight fights, too (no weight classes), and I always found it interesting to see people of various shapes/sizes and with very different backgrounds (kickboxing, wrestling, judo, etc) fight each other (see also: the first four UFC tournaments from the early-to-mid 90’s)

        • Guppusmaximus

          PRIDE was awesome! I remember those guys having to fight more than once at an event. Plus, Fedor was like the Michael Jordan of MMA. That guy was and is my favorite… He was amazing!

          • Howard Dean

            He was my favorite, too. He always seemed so aloof and uninterested, but he was just so intense. He didn’t really look like anything special (compared to a lot of the other fighters), but he was just so good. And you could just about take his head off, and he would just keep going and take you down/submit you or ground and pound you to death. His ground and pound was unreal.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yea! I remember him getting “suplexed” on his head by Randallman(?). As soon as he hit the ground he flipped the dude around and won by submission. By armbar I think…

          • Howard Dean

            Yeah, it was Kevin Randelman. Totally looked like he broke Fedor’s neck with the suplex. Right onto the top of his head. It was unsettling. And then like five seconds later, Fedor’s submitting Randelman. Crazy. Also, that big Japanese guy Fujita once caught Fedor with a huge hook that turned Fedor’s legs to jello. It looked like it should’ve knocked him out. Within seconds, Fedor takes Fujita to the ground, and then submits him like a minute later. Fedor was king.

          • Guppusmaximus

            I can’t up-vote this enough! +1 million squared… The Last Emperor!! [Inserts Mr. Dean’s Catchphrase] 🙂

    • KJM

      Speaking as a Pro Wrestling fan, I have no interest in UFC/MMA or even Boxing. I also could care less about actual Wrestling. Pro Wrestling is more about working together to put on a good show for the audience and not so much about trying to beat the crap out of someone for money.

      • Not Vincent Bennett

        I love my wrestling as well. I’m a huge WCW fan and I’m not really into current WWE as it’s really dull. I consider the time period during the Monday Night Wars the best period for wrestling ever, even better than the late 1980s. It was a boom period that really brought wrestling into the mainstream in my opinion.

        • KJM

          The late 80s was basically Vince taking over until the early 90s when WCW started becoming a serious threat, and then Vince won again. Ugh.

          There are a lot of great wrestlers in WWE right now, but only a few of them are allowed serious airtime for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being the whole TV-PG rating.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I hope that some competition comes along. WWE programming is really dull currently.

          • KJM

            If Dixie Carter wasn’t an incompetent jackass, TNA would’ve done better. At this point, the only thing to do is hope that Sinclair Broadcasting either pumps more cash into Ring Of Honor or sell it to someone who has a clue.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I went to an Impact taping at Universal when they were there and it was just awful. It was all crap I didn’t care about and Hogan was still in the company then which really sucked because of his ego and burying of great talent.

          • KJM

            The moment I saw Eric Bischoff on Impact, I stopped watching TNA. Literally.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Him and Hogan ruined the company single handedly. I tried to enjoy it, I really did but it just got so bad that I gave up on it after that taping I went to. I gave up on wrestling for a time after that but I returned when the Network was announced. I would talk more but I have to head to the wake of my ex. It’s at 7 and luckily the funeral parlor is right near my house. I’ll be back on here once I get back.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I really liked don callous (cyrus), i thought he had a great on air personality. It was just about over the top but not too much to make it ridiculous. Remember jim cornette with the tennis racket and the rock n roll express. The original four horsemen was the best with flair, ole and arn anderson, & tully blanchard. I liked the old school wrestlers because they looked like real men, really strong but not all shot full of steroids.

          • KJM

            The WWF took the unrealistic jacked up big man thing way too far. That’s why the trend now is toward smaller, more realistic performers who have legit Wrestling backgrounds.

            Even though it would be best if the incident never took place, Daniel Bryan’s recent encounter with burglars proves he is a legit badass. He was able to take down one of them while his wife called the cops who then got the guy to snitch on his buddies.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            He is and he did that while having an injured shoulder! His shoulder got injured by Kane who was sent to do it by Stephanie and Triple H. I hate Stephanie McMahon’s character so much that it really prevents me from enjoying current WWE programming. Even Triple H’s character isn’t that hateworthy. There is not one good thing to say about Steph’s character. She’s not only devoid of any goodness, she’s pure evil in my opinion.

          • KJM

            Ugh, I hate it when an episode of Raw starts out with “The Authority” Say what you will about Vince, at least he had a great on-air character. HHH used to be cool before he shaved his head and became Mr Corporate. Steph has always been just plain annoying.

            I’m very happy for Daniel Bryan. When I see whole stadiums doing the “Yes” chant, I flash back to when I saw him with Ring Of Honor in front of only 600 people. If anyone deserves to be a big star in that business, it’s him.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I hope he gets somewhere too, but I’m sure Trips won’t want that. I liked him in DX but now he’s dull. Also, even though I hate Brock Lesnar for conquering the streak this year I’m happy he’s champion and John Cena isn’t. I have a feeling that the times have arrived for Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose to get big. I have a feeling that Roman is going to get a title shot soon and Seth Rollins is Mr. Money In The Bank, so he can challenge for the title whenever.

          • KJM

            IMO Lesnar is being built up as an unstoppable monster leading to an eventual final showdown between him and Daniel Bryan, possibly at WM 31.

            There will be Lesnar Vs Reigns at some point, multiple times. The first time they meet, Roman will lose. Reigns has the look, but he’s not a good talker and has a limited move set. He’s not ready to be a top star yet.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            Cyrus was hilarious. I loved Jim Cornette. His work in the WWF was amazing with managing Owen Hart and Yokozuna among others. Cornette was probably the last great manager. Managing a wrestler is really a dying art. The only person that still practices that art in the WWE is Paul Heyman and he’s not at the level of a Bobby Heenan or a Jimmy Hart and never will be.

          • Not Vincent Bennett

            I got really sick of the various incarnations of the Four Horsemen that weren’t the original incarnation. I did like the incarnations with Chris Benoit though. Even though what he did was unforgivable I still loved his eulogy for Eddie Guerrero on the memorial show for him. It really touched my heart and still does.

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    I like Buffalo Wild Wings 🙁