The Art Of Cha-Ching

Last night, Pantera announced that they would be releasing the “First-ever authorised visual history of Pantera!” on the 13th of September. My immediate reaction was “Huh?”, and reading further did not exactly clear things up either: “A breathtaking, behind-the-scenes, comprehensive look at one of the world’s most legendary metal bands!”.

Really? Is this the same Pantera that already has multiple tour DVDs? This is going to somehow be more comprehensive than the 245 minutes of previously released behind-the-scenes backstage video footage from the band? Sounds like the great southern cash-in. Now before you get all shitty with me here, know this – I am an unabashed fan of the band. Having burnt enough rope to supply the Texas rodeo for a year while watching the 3 Vulgar Videos From Hell during my youth, not to mention that my penchant for blacktooth grins alone could put a Catholic dentist’s 9 kids through college (well, not really but you get the point), I think it’s safe to say I have an affinity for the band. So I asked myself, what the fuck could be found in this seemingly superfluous DVD that isn’t already common knowledge in 2016?



Turns out, it’s not video footage; A Vulgar Display of Pantera is a book. Yes, I can hear the band’s detractors already champing at the bit to drop a quip about Pantera fans not typically being considered the academic type. Fret not, apparently it’s a “coffee table book” (Read: Picture book for adults). So there goes the slim prospect of being offered some lurid tale of dimebauchery. They’re implying that a collection of mere photos of the band who’ve released more home video footage than Candid Camera will take our collective breath away? Sorry, but this whole thing seems more redundant than Rex Brown (who incidentally wrote the foreword). Any photo contained in this book that is not already easily accessible on Google images will surely be uploaded in high-resolution within 5 minutes of publication. Having already handed the band money for that 20th anniversary 3-disc Cowboys From Hell reissue that had been compressed to half the dynamic range of the 1991 original, any notion that this will be anything other than yet another blatant cash-grab would be naively optimistic. Thing is, you can guarantee this will sell enough copies to fuel the relentless market for more gratuitous merchandising opportunities. Will the profits go into funding that new series of sandwich presses modelled on Vinnie Paul’s panini beard? Or will the proceeds go to the Ansemlo estate to help pay the seasonal grape pickers for the 2016 crop of Maison de Horreur sauvignon blanc? Either way, this is one pull I won’t be getting.

What do you think? Am I just being cynical? Maybe I’m a hypocrite, after all, I did defend the recently released Death Scream Bloody Gore bobble-heads. I dunno, drop some cash-related Pantera references in the comments or something.

(Image via, via)

Written by:

Published on: August 5, 2016

Filled Under: New Stuff, News, Opinion

Views: 690

Tags: , ,

  • A big Scrimm “NOPE!” Lol

  • Count_Breznak
    • tertius_decimus


      • BobLoblaw

        I concur.

  • Joaquin Stick

    “…And here is Phil backstage at the 15th stop of the “The Extreme Steel Tour” … Do you see?×9.jpg?

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    I can’t wait to forget about this

  • tertius_decimus
  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    You… actually bought the anniversary edition of CFH? And to think I let you touch me, I feel dirty.

    • Lacertilian

      Yeah, my old copy of CFH was all fucked up.

      • RustyShackleford

        GAH! Just thinking about the compression makes me pissed! The original sounds so good whyyyyyyy fuck with it?!

  • fart noises

  • killvps


    • Guppusmaximus

      Sorry, the upvote button is broke again…

  • Guppusmaximus

    after all, I did defend the recently released Death Scream Bloody Gore bobble-heads.

    The difference being that you can enjoy looking at a figurine even in its box even if it will never be a true collector’s item. Looking at the cover of a picture book that takes up too much space and doesn’t have A FUCKING PICTURE… I’m at a loss for words.
    {insert accurate analogy about Opeth and their Coffee Table music book}

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      The Opeth coffee table book should have just contained Mikael Akerfeldt at various stages of breaking his back to stare up his own arsehole.

      • Guppusmaximus

        I might’ve been more interested in purchasing that book if that was the theme. The cover should’ve had a picture showcasing the finality of such a harrowing journey…

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          The picture would then be used as the cover of an uninspiring death metal album, and Mikael would wish he had a mouth with which to scream.

          • Guppusmaximus

            So true…However, Brain Drill’s latest already has a cover. Perhaps they could release a limited edition?

      • Or bathroom mirror selfies

  • On a similar but different note, I am curious to see how this Phil fronted Eyehategod will go down.

    • RustyShackleford

      I’m curious as well. I actually feel like it should be pretty tight.

      • I think it will be sort of rad too. I’m curious to see if he can hit some of those high screams that Mike Williams is unable to do anymore. Although, I think Phil’s voice is pretty much shot at this point too. We shall see.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa


      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Oh, just 2 shows. Interesting

    • Waynecro

      That Scour EP is pretty swell, I think.

    • Megan Alexandra

      Wait wut

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    I’d buy it for the right price.

  • more beer

    A trailer park coffee table book.

    • It can be placed right next to the boxes of 22 bullets and 5 year old Field and Stream magazines.

      • more beer

        Or used as a coaster for PBR’s.

        • The possibilities are endless! It’s a trailer park paradise.

          • more beer

            In reality some redneck will probably end up using it to assault someone. It doesn’t have pictures so it is pretty useless to them.

          • Vidajroden3

            <<l:y. ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★:::::::!!bx662a:….,..

  • Stockhausen

    Getcha cash, cute pupper.

  • Maison de Horreur. Drinks like pure hate.

  • God ov War

    Pantera is still a band, nice news

    • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

      Pretty sure Pantera is no longer an active band.

  • Waynecro

    Man, I loved those Pantera videos when I was a drunk teenager.

    • Shakes 999

      I literally watched the Watch It Go VHS until parts the tape were completely ruined

      • Waynecro

        Dude, yes! I had to buy the DVD after the tape broke.

  • Óðinn
  • QEPD deadbuttdreaming (RFI)