The 5 Most Important Sheeple in Metal

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Carving your own path in this world is a made up fantasy constructed by idiots. Let’s meet the true heroes, the ones who, against all odds, surrender to a hivemind and show us that we all can fit into tidy little personality boxes.

danDan “Clown” Gregory
Dan is just an ordinary 30-something accountant from Des Moines, Iowa, who has a moral edge over his co-workers because he listens to SLAYER!!!! Ok fine, he only sometimes listens to Slayer, but he knows every Slipknot lyric by heart. He likes his news straight-up with no spin, which is why he waits for Corey Taylor’s reaction to all news events before weighing in himself. His greatest accomplishment is getting one of his friends to drive him to a Knotfest (he has a DUI) and that friend now occasionally listens to heavy stuff like Hatebreed and 5FDP.

What makes him an important Sheep? He laughs at those idiots who follow Fox News and spit back whatever O’Reilly tells them. He is a follower of correct leaders, which somehow makes him a leader too, right? He’s living proof that just being aware of sheeple does not necessarily make you ascend above them.


randyRandy Cleanson
Randy just finished his last season as a trombonist in his collegiate marching band. He has tried, on more than three occasions, to get into harsh vocals. But always failing, he avoids the argument by only listening to instrumental progressive metal. He is always up against the stage at shows so he can prove his knowledge of the songs by wiggling his fingers at the guitarist every time a solo is about to show up. His greatest accomplishment is learning how to play everything but the solos on the first Animals as Leaders album.

What makes him an important Sheep? Being so afraid of being called a poser, he pigeonholes himself in /r/progmetal and downvotes things that aren’t proggy enough. He keeps his community safe and pure.


primordialPrimordial Smith
Originally born with the decidedly un-kvlt name of Gary, he changed his name around the time his hair reached his lower back. Listening to only the fuzziest lo-fi black metal recorded above the 66th parallel, he knows everything there is to know about his genre. His constant bickering with people who like to hear a few notes on a scale in their music keeps him as isolated as his cold heart longs to be. His greatest accomplishment is that his wolf howl mimic occasionally returns actual wolf howls. Or maybe it is just his neighbor’s husky.

What makes him an important Sheep? Similarly to Randy, he has a one-track mind that shows us that we can, if we really try hard enough, be so individual that we end up following made up rules. By being so strict, he became his own beautiful hivemind.


Coffee Rage’n’maim
Coffee runs the mid-afternoon metal half-hour (recently reduced from a full hour) at his university’s student radio show. He insists on starting off every show with powerviolence, so even the few avid listeners skip the first few minutes. He compromised with the station manager so he can have his one song as long as he plays the hits for the rest of the show. He insists on speaking like a demon between songs, and his jokes would be funny if anyone knew the references. His greatest accomplishment was avoiding being called a cuck for 3 straight days.

What makes him an important Sheep? Instead of using his limited but present platform to play interesting metal, he insists on playing genres that only he likes and songs that everyone already knows, thus perpetuating the sheeple-ness of us all.


shreddyShreddy Vedder
This guy clicks. He clicks on everything. He opens up metal news articles about outspoken members of should-be-defunct bands and comments on them constantly. He leaves the page, comes back three minutes later, and comments some more, even if he doesn’t even care about the band, the person, or the news being discussed. He simply loves to ensure the continued success of people that post the articles he often doesn’t care for. His greatest accomplishment is that he once got over 20 likes on a comment for calling the author a “useless sack of donkey scrotums”.

Why makes him an important sheep? By donating all his free time to clicking on articles, he generates an impression of false interest on websites that report the good stuff. The stuff we all need to get through the day. Arrests, racist comments, fake controversy; we should be grateful that he helps someone get paid to bring all that information to us.

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  • Lacertilian

    The only problem with this list is that it is limited to 5, I wanna read the next 95 too!
    Now awaiting future installments…
    Still tryna shrug off being called a “useless sack of donkey scrotums” tho, ol’ Shreddy cut me to the bone.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      There’s very little meat in donkey scrotums.

      • Joaquin Stick

        That’s why you need a whole sack of them!

        • W.

          Back in the old country, when a man wanted to marry a woman, he’d fill a burlap flour sack with donkey scrotums, walk to the father of beloved’s house, and hit the old man with the sack of sacks. If the father capitulated, the suitor would then push his new bride home to the old windmill in a wheelbarrow.

          • Joaquin Stick

            As is tradition.

          • W.

            I miss the old days.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            They were simpler times. Better times.

          • more beer

            I’ll bet that sounds like fun actually.

      • The Tetrachord of Archytas
  • Dumpster Lung

    Oh man, these were great. Shreddy though. . .ouch haha.

  • Max

    Peter O’Tool:

    This guy can…..actually, I’ve ranted about Tool fans enough times before for everybody to get the idea. I won’t bore you further by repeating myself. Live and let live.

    • KyleJMcBride

      He makes the rest of us look bad.

      • W.

        I’ve long had a theory that the majority of Tool fans are just Dave Matthews fans who took a philosophy 101 class in undergrad.

        • Joaquin Stick

          Am a fan, can confirm.

          • W.

            Hey man, I paid $60 for a stadium seat to see Tool out in Rio Rancho.

            A lot of us have been there.

          • Joaquin Stick

            I did it twice…

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’ve seen them 10 times,worth every penny.

          • more beer

            They should have paid you $60 just for going to Rio Rancho.

          • W.

            That’s when I was living in ABQ, so it wasn’t too bad.

          • more beer

            I stayed out in Enchanted His when I first moved there. I hated that area. The best thing I saw there. Was the people playing tic tac toe with a rooster at that casino on 550 and getting their asses kicked.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Great Maker, people will bet on ANYTHING.

          • more beer

            Yes they will. But losing at tic tac toe to a roster. Has got to be hell on a persons self esteem.

          • KyleJMcBride

            So I went to see Rev Horton Heat/Unknown Hinson last night with my dealer. Between sets we vaped some kind of bubble gum tincture, tasted awful but got me fried.

          • more beer

            A tincture or was it a concentrate? You aren’t supposed vape tinctures. They are supposed to be used as a topical and rubbed on. Also with concentrates it is better to dab them rather than vape them.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I didn’t see it loaded up, but he has all of the above(wax, shatter, tincture). Whatever form it was, it worked fine.

          • more beer

            Okay. I have been dabbing the live resin lately since the price has dropped dramatically. Personally I think the wax tastes better than the shatter for the most part. But the shatter is more pure. But I find it a little bit harsher when it is dabbed. The live resin is in a class of it’s own. It tastes really good and gets you extremely stoned. I have only been smoking bud when I go out and am in social situations. I am about to head to the dispensary in a little while for more live resin. .

          • KyleJMcBride

            Vape pens are very convenient when you want to run outside and have a quick toke between sets.
            I can’t wait until live resin becomes available here, seems that’s the one thing we don’t have in this area.

          • more beer

            I have a nectar collector and a small torch that I take out with me to dab with. It is small and easy to carry around. It is pretty wide open here so it usually isn’t an issue bringing it with me. It is easy to use and one good hit is all you really need. Also you can drain the excess and it makes for a really good rainy day fund. You can’t do that with a vape pen. I have something similar to a vape pen that I use very rarely. It will take a little while, but you guys will catch up with us there. Then there will be so many products. It will make your head spin.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’m also being very general with my terms. My friend has a different “pen” for everything, like 3-4 of them.
            I’m concerned about Maine. There is going to be a recount because the vote was so close(yes won by 0.6%, just about 2,000 votes).

          • more beer

            That is just the prohibitionists trying to flex their muscle in Maine. The Amsterdam style cafe thing here won by less than a percent also. Let them count. I don’t think the outcome will change. Those pens are fairly pricey. My set up cost me less than 20 bucks.

          • KyleJMcBride

            I notice our Governor hasn’t said a damned thing about it since the actual vote happened. I’m guessing he saw how much it won by and doesn’t want to blow his chance at a 2nd term by opposing it. Our congress is already getting screamed at by voters for even considering a delay in implementation. I’m glad to say legalization is very popular in Massachusetts and it’ll just get more so with time.

          • more beer

            I was reading about your congress doing that. You guys should vote out everyone of them. That opposes the will of the people. They seem to forget they work for you. Not their special interests. Our governor is against it. But he is a beer baron. So I would expect no less.

          • KyleJMcBride

            Fortunately my senator & rep supported Question 4 from the beginning. My family has good relations with both of them.
            Here’s a map showing the breakdown on how all the cities/towns in Massachusetts voted this time.
            http://www.wbur.org/politicker/2016/11/08/massachusetts-election-map
            Most of the anti-pot votes are in either rich snob towns or townie infested hellholes.

          • W.

            Eh, Rio Rancho is MUCH nicer now. My sister lives there now, so that’s where we spent Thanksgiving. It’s grown a ton and has great food.

            Still next to some run-down pueblos, though.

          • more beer

            I found it an extremely boring place to live. It is my understanding. That it is a witness relocation program town. I liked ABQ much better. Every pueblo I have been to has been really run down. I had a bunch of friends from the Jemez Pueblo and have been there a bunch of times. It is rather sad the amount of poverty there.

          • W.

            Yes, the poverty is pretty heartbreaking.

            Oh, we went to a pretty good winery there in ABQ. The Gruet winery. They’re well-known for their sparkling wine.

          • more beer

            That’s the one on Rio Grande near Olde Towne correct?

          • W.

            I believe so

          • more beer

            I never went there since I am a beer kind of guy. But I have heard good things about that place. From a lot of people. But I did spend a lot of time at Marble Brewery.

          • W.

            Didn’t make it to any breweries, but I hope to next time.

          • more beer

            Marble is the one I would recommend going to. Very good beers.

          • Dumpster Lung

            I know what else you’re a fan of! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/733e6ba3dea2365a68fe01ed789b6e3b197cb1b7a7abe57eaed6031d36919b6f.gif

            (apologies for shitty quality/horrible timing, but I’ve spent WAY too much time not working already lol)

          • Joaquin Stick

            Perfect lol.

          • Dumpster Lung

            I know it’s a little mean, but I thought it might be fun to see if I can get that stuck in your head maybe. . .constantly LOL

        • KyleJMcBride

          And as far as they’re concerned Tool only has one member, or at least only one worth talking about.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            KJM… MJK… Maynard James KeeOH MY GOD IT’S YOU

          • KyleJMcBride

            I’ve noticed this before. Also, Maynard has lived in Somerville before and comes here to eat breakfast(Neighborhood Restuarant) every time Tool/APC/Puscifer are in town.

            However, I never drink…wine.

        • Howard Dean

          “Oh, for real, bro. Maynard is next level. The first half of Undertow is totally Heideggerian. Like “Prison Sex” is totally dasein embodied.”

    • RepostedAvengedSevenfoldFan2

      Oh please? Tool sucks major ass, dude. I hate their twelve minute long songs about nothing, at least Avenged Sevenfold has beat & lyrics that you can get into. The only song I like by Tool is Schism, I’m sure that’s everyone’s favorite song by them, because it’s mass played and the only song I can understand.

      -Allie | 1/16/10

      • Maik Beninton™

        You think you get it but you don’t.

        • Eliza

          You never do.

  • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

    I wonder what Corey Taylor thinks of this article?

    • Howard Dean

      “Growing up in Iowa, man… it was just so fucking boring and shit and everyone just wanted to hang out in the mall and I was all about like hanging out in the cemetery and smoking cigarettes and shit. I think we channeled a lot of that anger, that disaffected youth and subculture of boredom and hate into those early ‘knot records.

      Oh yeah, and fuck this article. People who talk shit about “Clown” Gregory deserve a beating.”

      • Jack Rabbit

        He’s saving this for his next book

      • CyberneticOrganism

        “I fucking suck, bro.”

        – Corey Taylor

    • KyleJMcBride

      We’ll be right back with a 12 page FB post from Randy Blythe.

      • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

        DOES IT COME WITH VIDEO REPLY FROM ROB FLYNN???????

  • Howard Dean

    I am Shreddy Vedder.

    #shreddystrong #prayforshreddy #jeremyspokein

    http://i478.photobucket.com/albums/rr145/GATM0518/Eddie%20Vedder/Ed_Ved7.jpg

  • RJA

    Dan “clown” Gregory from Des Moines is pretty spot on – except for the part about him being an accountant – I know that guy, he is no accountant!

    • Joaquin Stick

      He’s not a very good one.

      • RJA

        You know, unfortunately most of the slipknot followers I know have no problem with fox news?! Des Moines resident here, can confirm.

  • RJA

    Where’s Tyree – been listening to this new Bestial Raids, this album is intense.
    https://nuclearwarnowproductions.bandcamp.com/album/master-satans-witchery

    • Stanley
      • Howard Dean

        Got my CD copy of the new Panphage album, Drengskapr, in the mail yesterday. Really enjoying it so far. He just knows how to write a banging black metal riff. Great atmosphere, as well. Still hoping he puts out Storm on CD, too.

        • Stanley

          Got an email last week that the vinyl is delayed until January. 🙁

          Is Aetergap defunct?

          Maybe Nordis will put out the CD or vinyl. I don’t have a tape player so I never picked up Storm or Ginnheilagr (which I really like).

          • Howard Dean

            I saw that announcement about the delay on NWN! forums. Bummer, but not unexpected. It still amazes me that vinyl production hasn’t expanded to meet the growing demand in the last 5-10 years. I guess delays don’t affect the bottom line at the end of the day (customers will still buy it, they’ll just grumble).

            I haven’t heard much about Aetergap in what seems like months, so it’s possible he is defunct. He was always a little prickly and difficult to work with, anyway. That very specific and nonsensical routine you had to follow to order from him (or else he would just ignore you) was pretty stupid.

            I would love to see Nordvis reissue all of the tape-only Panphage material on CD/vinyl. I don’t buy many tapes (only own a handful), so I’d like to have more of his stuff on a format I actually use.

          • Stanley

            Yes, delays are pretty commonplace now. It doesn’t really matter though, as most of the records are already on bandcamp/youtube so it’s not like you can’t listen to them if you are really dying to.

            And regarding that guy, this isn’t Nam, there are rules!

          • Abradolf Lincler

            NOOOOOOO

      • RJA

        Yes – you are the man – thank you!

        • Stanley

          Limit of one per person. lol.

  • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

    I’ll be back on the 11th. I’m in Disney world right now.

    • Howard Dean

      JJD in Epcot! JJD at Space Mountain! JJD at Pirates of the Caribbean! JJD at Cinderella’s Castle!

      Mahfuckah don’t be tearin’ no quads on all those dank ridez.

    • Maik Beninton™

      This isn’t your fb tl.

  • “His greatest accomplishment was avoiding being called a cuck for 3 straight days.” Whew. For a second there, I thought you were talking about me. I’ve never made it that long.

    • Abradolf Lincler

      Cuck

    • Óðinn

      “Cuck”. Why are right-wing insults so lame? When people use that insult, I’m quite certain they’ve only made themselves look bad.

      • KyleJMcBride

        It’s serious projection on the most embarrassing level possible. It shows how much they’re obsessed with race.

      • Sir Crawfish The Based

        Right-wingers want to get cucked hard. And hopefully their precious “anti-establishment”, “anti-elite” president will cuck them hard.

      • Waynecro

        I actually think calling someone a cuck is a nice way to mix it up a little bit. Who wants to call people a little bitch day in and day out? Throw in some variety, you know?

        • Óðinn

          That’s an interesting perspective, Waynecro. I hadn’t thought about it that way.

          • Waynecro

            I mean, cuck is actually a pretty funny insult. I think it’d go over a lot better with everyone if it didn’t have political connotations. Not a lot of one-word insults say so much.

      • Always sounds to me like they’re choking on some other insult.
        “Are you trying to call me a cocksucker?”

  • Pentagram Sam

    Hahahahhaha shit man, that Randy Cleanson made me lol. There’s a shitload of em out there and I think I’ve met at least a hundred.

    For real man, Mr Cleanson basically represents every twig boy, muscle-less, glasses wearing (optional), pony tailed, acne motherfucker who jizzes over AXE-FX presets and complains about “it’s just pentatonics lol” and 4/4 time.

    • Old Man Doom

      A lot of those at the college I teach at. I swear to god if I hear someone talking about “Misha’s Presets” one more time, I’m gonna fucking pitch a bitch.

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Shreddy Veder gots my vote cuz THE CUBS FREAKIN RULE!!!! THREE PEAT!!! YEAAAAAAA! GOOOO CUBS!!!! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/77b4866f21688b61d59eb72917ad5d2ada55d692f2a6a78463d973122cfc984f.png

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Yep, this was good.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    Changing my RL first name to Primordial now

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Primordialbeard

      • Abradolf Lincler

        i trimmed my beard off!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • Old Man Doom

    Utter savagery of the highest order. Thank you, Stick.

  • Waynecro

    Most excellent work, JS. I feel like Primordial Smith needs to be a band name or an album title–like Deadlock’s Virus Jones or something.

  • The lolbuttz is strong with this young Stick.

  • GoatForest

    Beautiful.