Test Your Metallica Knowledge; Clickhole Continues to be the Greatest Experiment of Our Era

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Think you’re a big fan of this loud, sad band? Prove it!

If you’re not intimately familiar with Clickhole, the Onion‘s beautiful, horrific sister that exists to skewer the evil that is “Internet culture”, you need to get learned. From Buzzfeed-esque articles like “Heartwarming: Watch This Dad Totally Accept His Gay Son Coming Out And Then Eat 12 Tacos” to completely baffling and FUCKING GENIUS quizzes like “Are You a Big Jazz Boy or a Little Jazz Boy?” and the life-changing “Which One of my Garbage Sons Are You?“, Clickhole is the best thing to happen to the Internet since cute animals. If you like things that are good and not bad, Clickhole is for you.

With supreme pleasure, I found that Clickhole recently tackled the most accomplished band in Metal. Finally, with one quiz you can determine how big of a Metallica fan you are. With their typically ball-busting style, Clickhole tasks you with naming how many Metallica songs you’ve heard. Sure, every garden-variety metal fan has heard “Lightning Certainly Rules” and “A Most Granular Man (Sandman)”, but have you ever listened to “Running From the Loud Sound of Bells”? I mean really listened to it? I bet not, poser.

Get thee to Clickhole and test your knowledge. Let me know in the comments how much you REALLY know about Metallica.

TAKE THE QUIZ.

 

LOL eastern europe

(Image Via)

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Stop eating my sesame cake.

  • “A Most Granular Man” has thrown me into numerous fits of laughter since Joe showed me this yesterday.

  • Mother Shabubu 4

    I think I’d rather take a “Which Anime Character Are You?” Click hole quiz than a “Which Metallica Asshole Are You?” one. Rather be lame as fuck than Lars Ulrich.

    • ME GORAK B.C.™

      ME GOKU!!!!!!!!!!! ( WHO THE FUCK GOKU?!?!?!?!?!)

      • Mother Shabubu 4

        Super Sayan Gorak smash them all

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
    • CyberneticOrganism

      See also: every Disturbed fan

    • Max

      See, here’s my question for all the “gateway” advocates: For every one person that starts off with Metallica and goes deeper into metal, there’s probably nine others like this guy who just pretty much stop at Metallica. Is that one “good” guy really worth the nine bad ones?

      • That one person that goes deeper is probably a dingus too so maybe it’s all bad.

        • Max

          Music really does suck, doesn’t it? NUCLEAR WAR NOW.

          • Malted Hate

            Exacly. 80% of nwn forum guys are retards.

      • Mxxk Bxnxntxn™© :]

        Like, does their first 4 (5 maybe?) compensate for their later albums?

        • Max

          Well, for me personally, no.

          I’ve never bothered with Kill ’em All so I can’t even comment to that. Ride the Lightning has four songs out of eight that I like. Master of Puppets has 2 out 8, and Justice for All has 3 out of 9. I also like “Nothing Else Matters.” And that’s as far as it goes for me.

          Now let me say: Those songs that I like are among THE greatest songs that have ever been written in heavy metal. And it would be extremely stupid not to acknowledge Metallica’s ground-breaking music in the genre, and churlish not to recognize their success and historical significance.

          But the whole “cult of Metallica”? Where people have got a different life event for every set of lyrics Hetfield wrote? I’ve never been a member of that. To me, they’re just another good metal band out of the countless legions of good metal bands. The others would all still exist even if Metallica didn’t; and my life wouldn’t be any the poorer (minus those ten songs).

          So to answer your question: No, I don’t think the early stuff does compensate for the later, really. I’d even argue the earlier stuff is diminished by it. Don’t forget: We had 9 years of good Metallica. We’ve had at least two decades of bad Metallica. If they’d broken up after the Black album, their reputation today would be impeccable, EVEN IF they did subsequently re-form and do something stupid.

          • Mxxk Bxnxntxn™© :]

            Well, to complement your argument.
            http://www.thatsnotmetal.com/2010/11/their-old-stuff.html

            And, just to say, I never listened to the entirety of an Metallica album, nor any other band with a few exceptions, I just go to their most popular songs and then I forget to check the rest of the album. I have listened to 2 songs of Kill’ em All, 4 of Ride the Lightning, 2 of Master of Puppets, 2 of And Justice for All, 5 of Black Album and 2 of Reload, and I also checked 4 of St.Anger and 3 of Death Magnetic but never stuck around with those.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        I knew so many people that thought Slayer was too extreme. Humans….

        • Max

          I knew a chick who actually liked Slayer but wouldn’t countenance Obituary. It’s practically the same thing with a deeper tone. It’s not even faster. Humans…

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That logic truly is a mindfuck for me. I honestly can’t comprehend what there issue is, etc. What’s the reason they can’t listen to it? Humans…

          • Max

            I actually asked her that. The reply was so dumb and non-committal I can’t even remember what it was.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Not the least bit surprised. People that would they couldn’t get into Slayer, but liked Metallica would just say “it’s too much”. Terrible.

  • DCLXVI

    SPONSORED CONTENT ALERT!!~

  • I don’t care about Metallica, or Pantera for that matter. There, I said it. Let the hate flow through you.

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

    I saw Metallica play all of Ride the Lighting. That was fucking rad! James could not sing Escape worth a damn but it was still killer.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnQfgDP2byE

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      When was that?

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        Orion fest in Atlantic City.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro

          Sorry, I think our comments came in at the same moment. Very cool! Did he screw up the lyrics to “Fade to Black” or “Trapped Under Ice” as he sometimes does?

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            Haha, he messed up a few times. It just added to the fun though. Check out that line up for that year. It’s the 2012 line-up, it’s sooo odd.

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orion_Music_%2B_More#2013_Lineup

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            strange line-up, but I could probably find plenty to enjoy there. I have a soft spot for ‘Tallica. I can admit their later stuff is lame, but the first four albums are unflushable.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            It was alright. We went back and forth from the casinos to the venue. Fun little vacation.

    • OldMetalHead

      Was that at the Orion fest thing they did?

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        Yes sir!

    • Lacertilinger

      I think Escape is the weakest track of the first 4 albums, still cool to riff along to but yeah. Ride is so fucking good regardless though.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Totally agree. Weakest track on what would be a masterpiece. If Jamey Jasta covered it, it can’t be good. The lyrics are horrid.

        • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

          The lyrics are something a hardcore band would sing about it seems.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Yeah, uplifting, positive drivel. Terrible.

        • Lacertilinger

          I would say it’s a top contender for weakest track from the first 4 albums.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Those fucking lyrics.

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        Powerful, dark, and motivating.

  • Celtic Frosty

    Metallica’s nose dive into suckitude is one of the most impressive feats in metal history.

  • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

    The bullets seem to be missing from Lars’s bullet belt… He must have shot his Load.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      I guess he didn’t Reload.

      • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

        HA!

      • Maybe he… Black Album. FUCK.

        • Dubzlinger, Malandro

          He certainly isn’t going to Kill ‘Em All without any ammo.

          • “I think it’s about… thyme… for them to make a comeback.” – Stockhausen

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            and its slipping away, slipping away from meeeee…ahhhhhhh now I have tommy shaw on the brain!

          • Guppusmaximus

            Mmm, Shaw…dows *giggle*

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I love Tommy Shaw and the members of Sticks.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I’m a 1970’s Chicago boy. Styx was a great Chicago band, much like Chicago. They both were the shit until they both turned “light rock”: Doctor Roboto was the exact point Styx jumped the shark and Chicago IV for Chicago…imo.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I enjoy all the Styx albums up until Kilroy Was Here and I own all of them from Grand Illusion until Kilroy Was Here on vinyl. I like all the Chicago albums up until Terry Kath died. The live album At Carnegie Hall is a classic live album.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            I would agree 100%! And Terry Kath >>>>>>>>…great stuff!

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            I love Tommy Shaw and the members of Sticks.

          • Stockhausen

            I love you.

        • The God Emperor of Mankind

          AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

        • Malted Hate
      • Óðinn
    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I thought Lars was controlled by the Master Of Puppets. How could he shoot hiw own Load if that’s the case?

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      I thought Lars was controlled by the Master Of Puppets. How could he shoot hiw own Load if that’s the case?

    • Óðinn
  • Guppusmaximus

    Yea…I guess I’ve never heard any of those songs by the loud, sad band called Metallica.
    *Boo-fucking-hoo* lol

  • Pile of Hurt Angels is my go to Metallica jam.

    • Leif Bearikson

      I quite like A Most Granular Man (Sandman)

  • Pipelord69

    Was at the gym and I overheard a 14-17 year old say that “For Whom the Bell Tolls” is the heaviest metal song he’s ever heard. It hurt my heart a lot :/

    • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
    • Sir Tapir The Based :]

      You’re back!

      • Pipelord69

        Indeed, it has been a while. But I’m glad to be back

        • Sir Tapir The Based :]

          I missed you bby.

    • Dubzlinger, Malandro

      To him, it probably is. He’ll grow.

    • Spear

      Perhaps he hasn’t heard much metal, being 14-17 years old. I certainly hadn’t at that point.

      • Pipelord69

        I also took that into consideration. At the time I was wearing a Bathory shirt, and it made me hope it’d spark some interest. Not that Bathory is the heaviest band of all time, but it could open a whole other realm of music for a 14-17 year old

        • Guppusmaximus

          Wow…I had to think about that for a moment. Honestly,when I was 14, I had ‘Kings of Metal’,’Rigor Mortis’, ‘South of Heaven’,’Keeper of the 7 keys pt.2′, ‘Operation MC’, ‘Them’, ‘ And Justice’ and ‘State of Euphoria’ on auto-repeat (manually turn tape over and hit play) but I had just found Atrophy & Death which would turn my world upside down. What a trip down memory lane…

          • Pipelord69

            The first Death song I heard was “Crystal Mountain”. After I heard it, I listened to “Symbolic” everyday for the next two weeks

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yea man… I thought DEATH was gone after “Spiritual Healing” (no internet back then) and then stumbling upon “Individual” and “Symbolic”….

            http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/mind_blown.gif

          • MoshOff

            Operation Mindcrime?

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            OP Mariah Carey.

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yes sir:)

          • MoshOff

            I didn’t discover that album until fairly recently but I feel like I’ve known it forever. Timeless stuff.

          • Guppusmaximus

            IMHO,It was Queensryche’s Magnum Opus. If I remember correctly, It was such a complex concept for us Metal Heads at the time that they released a “box set” (VHS & CD i think) with a booklet explaining the story. For me, Rage For Order comes in second.

          • CT-12

            You talking about this Atrophy? I love this album. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivjAMT3J1Lg

          • Guppusmaximus
          • CT-12

            Yeah baby!

          • Guppusmaximus

            Good ole Speed Metal. Both ‘Socialized Hate’ and ‘Void Terra Firma’ (Defiance) cassettes got tore the fuck up in my walkman from the constant playing.

          • CT-12

            I ended up buying that album on bandcamp after we had talked about them a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, haven’t been able to listen to it because my MP3 player shit the bed. However, just got my new MP3 in the mail today! I’ve got a lot of music to listen to…

      • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

        good gateway tune!

        • Spear

          Indeed! I think a lot of people tend to forget that the more mainstream acts (Sevenfold, LoG, Metallica, etc.) are necessary for metal to grow and thrive.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            I’ve made this argument plenty of times. A lot of big festivals have more mainstream acts to sell tickets while featuring underground acts on side stages to gain exposure.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            It’s true. You’ll have ZZ-Top and Mayhem on the same festival bill.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            It worked pretty well for Mayhem for a little while. I think MDF is sort of an anomaly in the US, actually, although even it features some “tent pole” acts.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            They had Anvil the one year.

          • Dubzlinger, Malandro

            Poor Anvil.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            Indeed. I missed their set unfortunately.

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            I don’t think I’d ever have gotten into more extreme metal if I didn’t have LoG and Black Dahlia Murder to listen to until I liked harsh vocals.

          • Spear

            Opeth is the band that did it for me. A friend sent me “Porcelain Heart,” and I liked it enough that I went out and picked up Ghost Reveries (they didn’t have Watershed). Listened to it all in one go and couldn’t believe how much I liked the vocals.

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            need that entry point…everybody isn’t ready to slap a pentagram on their forehead day one! its a process…

            lol

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Pentagram. Forehead. Day one or GTFO.

    • He clearly hasn’t heard nails

    • Pretty heavy IMO. I don’t think “heavy” has some hard-and-fast definition. I guess FWtBT isn’t as extreme as something deriving from it a full three decades later…

      • Spear

        I seem to remember having a discussion (or maybe it was an article) on what makes a song heavy. It seems like it’s almost entirely subjective.

        • When I think heavy I hear a Type O riff (or something similar/deriving from Sabbath) before “extreme.” Growling, shrieking, blastbeats, thrash-riffs, etc. don’t embody “heaviness” for me in a musical-sense.

          Lyrically…now that’s another story. I *believe* the term heavy metal had a lot to do with 60s people going “wow, man; that’s heavy!” Kinda like saying something is “deep.”

      • Pipelord69

        I agree that it’s heavy. And I love the song, but when I think of “heaviest song of all time”. I think of bands who are considered “extreme”, but that’s because of my knowledge of these “extreme” artist. I just found it a little funny because at the beginning of my metal journey, I thought the same thing about “Cowboys From Hell” was the heaviest of all time.

        • That’s cool.

          I don’t equate heavy with extreme. I didn’t think too many younger people did either since when a person under a certain age says “heavy metal” they seem to now be referring to a sub-genre of “metal” as a whole. IDK.

      • Leif Bearikson

        I still think Harvester of Sorrow is probably the heaviest song I’ve ever heard. From the riff, to the lyrics/theme, that fucking STOMP…to me, it just crushes, even against more extreme and recent stuff that I enjoy like Nails.

    • Mxxk Bxnxntxn™© :]

      Well my first taste of true metal was Master of Puppets, it was my heaviest tune in between all the Linkin Park and System of a Down.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      For Whom The Taco Bells

    • holy fuckin poop, you’re back. good to see you again!!!

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      You should have just stopped working out and just beat the shit out of him. Gotta shame those fuckers early in life.

  • M Shadows!

    HAIL TO THE KING IS THE BEST METALLICA ALBUM

    • The Haunting Presence of Tyree
      • What movie is this from?

        • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

          Punch Drunk Love.

          • Good?

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            It’s a Paul Thomas Anderson movie so yes. A lot of people hated it, but I really enjoyed it. Very uncomfortable and tense to watch.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I remember some dumb wigger I worked with, who was dumbfounded that Adam Sandler wasn’t being his usual funny self. It’s a great movie.

          • The Haunting Presence of Tyree

            That scenes where he just flips his shit are the best.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Classic.

    • [RFI]

      • M Shadows!

        Oh my goodness how generous! Thank you glorious masterlord!

        • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

          I still haven’t managed to get a single downvote, even on those 2 comments where I state that Darkthrone blows and Slayer is extremely overrated (and they are) 🙁

          • M Shadows!

            ITS MY FUCKING DOWNVOTE YOU CANT HAVE IT HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

          • Guppusmaximus

            Erm, Shadows!

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            There you go

          • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

            Damn, 3 downvotes for this one. I love you guys.

          • Sir Tapir The Based :]

            I disliked only to please you. I agree with the Slayer part.

        • [RFI]

          • M Shadows!

            [AFI]

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Sh Madows!

  • Commander Shepard

    Fucking peasants with your gas powered vehicles and lack of biotics

  • Waynecro

    Were it not for Metallica, many of us metal bass players never would have gotten to use a wah-wah pedal. Back in the day, every metal band I tried out for wanted a bass player who could “do that Cliff Burton wah shit.”

  • Paris Hilton

    Mustaine fired, douche drummer does awful thing every time, amazing bassist to mediocre bassist to good bassist, denied forgiveness thrice, Napster, fu fya dabajabaja, St. anger snare, Tables.

    There. That’s literally everything you need to know about Metallica.

    • Mxxk Bxnxntxn™© :]

      What about the yeah yeah guy?

      • Paris Hilton

        Oh, YEAHHHHAHHHA. I forgot that!

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Plus they totally shred live

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wkJ3MrG3Cs

    • don’t forget about @disqus_kqxyUNPxty:disqus’s famous contribution to whiff of the week: the two-hour MTV show of nu-metal bands playing Metallica songs whilst they “enjoyed” watching it…

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I still wonder why Metallica allowed that to happen

  • tertius_decimus

    Haha! Thanks, Joe, for that “Lion King” pic!

    • Hahaha, I’m not sure what it says but I figured you would!

      • tertius_decimus

        It says:

        — Daddy, who are “One Direction”?
        — I don’t know, sonny, we’re Metallica fans.

  • Lacertilinger

    I’ve had just enough beer to find this hysterical.

  • Óðinn

    For fans of old school Heavy/Doom Metal:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQDqNgZdK7Q

  • A Most Curious Poo Poo Pile

    BTW, Laibach played their concert in North Korea yesterday.

    http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-33995268

  • TheCheezFace