Swelling to the Jammiez: Running with GL!

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Hey guys, GL here. Today I am writing to you about helping you with your own physical and mental fitness. With 2015 upon us and resolutions (or lack thereof) aplenty, most people have a goal they wish to achieve but have no avenue to pursue their goal. I am here today in this edition of Swellin’ to the Jammiez to present one avenue to help you achieve those goals: running.

I am not a trained physician, coach, and/or medical professional and I do not suggest you hold me to those standards. Regardless of those facts, I have spent the last 9 years of my life training for and completing 24 full marathons (26.2 mile run), 2 half marathons (13.1 mile run), 2 full Ironman triathlons (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, 26.2 mile run), and 1 half Ironman triathlon (1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike ride, 13.1 mile run). Having completed these races does not make me an expert on running. It has however provided me with a large range of training/social experiences that helped me cope with both the physical and mental roller coaster that we all call life.

I am sure you are skeptical, “Why should I run? I never run!” This may be true. For myself, getting into running with the goal of completing a full marathon was seriously daunting task. I am not here to convince you to traverse 26.2 miles any time in the near future. What I do suggest is that you consider the following reasons for why running should be your go to for all your physical/mental needs.

Too often when we discuss the benefits of running, we are focused strictly on a physical perspective. I would argue that the mental benefits of running far outweigh the physical (Note: I am not saying that the physical benefits of running any time/distance are not beneficial because they most certainly are! A sedentary lifestyle is not the most appropriate way maintain your health and this is where running can help). So how can the mental aspects of running outweigh the physical? Firstly, you can do it outside. Since you are reading this site during the day, it is highly unlikely that you are doing so outside. I have never heard anyone that said they hate being outdoors. Secondly, completing even the smallest amount of running makes you feel like a totalbadass/10. Don’t believe me? We will return to this later. Thirdly, you are along to think. How often do you set aside time during the day to lose yourself in thought? I know, I know, no one ever sets aside time to think. We all get caught up in an endless cycle of clicking through the internets as if we are searching for something valuable that we ultimately never find.

So what do you need to get started in 2015 as a budding runner? Well aside from pair of pants and shirt (mind you, this is climate dependent) the only thing you need is a pair of shoes. Shoes! That’s it! What other God forsaken self indulgent sport do you need just one item for? Glorious, I know! Side note: as a beginner please ignore any information a minimalist/barefoot runner/walker may give you (they are out of their minds). As a beginner all you need is shoes. You do not a gym membership, head band, moisture wicking shirt, spandex, glasses, GPS watch, iPod, camelback, fanny pack, Under Armour shirt, and/or other needless expensive bull shit. Just shoes. Put them on!

How do you get started with running? With just 5 minutes. Start small. Hell, 5 minutes is a long first run! Do this as many times in the first week as you feel comfortable. Once, twice, three times is plenty. The first time will be the worst feeling, by the second you will feel noticeably better. How fast should you go? NOT FAST AT ALL. Remember, I am an advocate for the mental benefit of running and not showing everyone in the gym/neighborhood/wherever that you are a total douche and can run as fast as Yngwie Malmsteen’s fingers. You will want to run/jog/waddle just to the point where it is mildly uncomfortable but never totally uncomfortable. In the beginning, you will likely be playing catch up with your body and you will feel winded. Don’t give up! It’s only 5 minutes. You waste 10 times that amount of time per day listening to your trve black/doom/noise/power/hair/derp/thrash metal band. Hang in there. The first time is the worst; each successive time is easier by several magnitudes.

Things you should do to increase your success/focus as a beginning runner:

  1. Do not focus on the distance. At first it is only about the time. Distance can come later.
  2. Do not run around other people. It is horrible distracting.
  3. Do not run with music. It is unsafe if near traffic, also: unplugging is important!
  4. Do not pound your feet. Glide across the ground!
  5. Do not kick your feet all the way to your ass. Glide! Be efficient!
  6. Do not run as fast as you can to impress people. Remember that in the end no one is impressed.
  7. Don’t focus too much on stretching. People we spend 40 minutes stretching and 5 minutes running laps should be embarrassed (this is a real thing, people)
  8. Don’t waste your money on gimmicky products for running. The glory of running is its simplicity.
  9. If you are too sore the next day to even move than you over did it. MODERATE levels of effort only. Running hard as nails is not fun and people who start off as runners who want to sprint are wasting their time.
  10. Tell everyone you know that you are now a runner. Then tell them how long you can run!

Excuses for not running that do not count:

  1. “I get shin splints”. Do not pound your feet when running. GLIDE! GLIDE! GLIDE!
  2. “My legs are too short/long”. I am 6’5” and I do not want to hear it.
  3. “I am not a runner”. Not yet!
  4. “I do not have time”. But you have time to waste on here, right?
  5. “I am not in enough shape to run”. Then walk/waddle/jog!

Progressing from a “beginner” takes time. Most of the running you will be completing will be getting your joints, lungs, and muscles that stabilize your knees/ankles/hips into shape. The mental aspects of losing yourself in thought will not be totally apparent at first, mostly due to the small amount of time you are running. This can be alleviated by adding little amounts of time to your excursions every couple runs and when you feel necessary. If any of you have questions/interest in further information you can contact me at george.lynch.toilet@gmail.com. I am also available to develop running schedules if you are interested in completing a certain distance/triathlon in a certain amount of time. Be safe out there!

Note: if you must listen to music I very much recommend that you listen to music that gives you “chills”. “Chills” meaning songs or artists that make your hair crawl. For me that includes Gojira, Bury Your Dead, and Conquering Dystopia. You will feel like you are running on cloud 9! Also, if you want to get jacked up: watch this video.

So how about you guys? Have any of you trained (or not trained) for a running event before? If so, sound off below!

<3 GL

  • Scrimm

    Running is also addicting, and is about the easiest and fastest exercise you can improve at. Used to do 4 miles a day 4-5 times a week. Damn hernia.
    Edit: I meant 4-6 a day.

    • I had a hernia in 2007. Did two full marathons before I had it fixed!

      GL

      • Scrimm

        I tried, its right in a spot where it really kills me. I hate it. Have to wait till I have insurance though.

        • I was lucky mine was not worse. I barely realized I had it. I was fortunate I could keep running though!

          GL

          • Scrimm

            Mine is very small too, doctor said I should be ok but it starts hurting badly sometimes even if i just stand too long, Plus I am terriefied of my guts falling out lol.

          • Note: where I had mine fixed hurts worse (to the touch) than before I had it fixed. They said the sensitivity would go away, but it never did. That was 8 years ago 🙁

            GL

          • Scrimm

            My uncle told me pretty much the same thing.

  • Guacamole Jim

    What are you running from?

    YOUR GAINS????

    But seriously, great article. Winter in Canada is too brvtal for me to want to spend any great amount of time outside in, but in the summer I want to get on this train.

  • Right after college, I ran 5-7 miles a day. My mind was totally clear, and I felt free-er than ever. Granted, I had few bills as a recent college graduate, so in a way I was. Now I truly do not have time to go running after work (bands/choirs/booking/gf/etc.), but I wish I did. I miss it.

  • Guacamole Jim
  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    Running makes my heart feel like exploding, which is not fun. My useless doctor said I was fine. I don’t believe him. I’ll still run a mile or so now and then.

    • Try walking/waddling. I imagine you just have to build up reeeaaaallllllyy slow

      GL

      • YourLogicIsFlushed

        See, that would make sense if I wasn’t in good shape. I always have been, my heart is just a shithead.

        • What about bike riding or swimming?

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            Biking is usually better. I think a lot of it is the constant impacts. As GL suggests, I run pretty smoothly, but it’s still annoying.

          • Have you considered GETTING FUCKING SWOLE, BRUH?

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            Yeah man, only problem with that is I get strong as fuck and gain no weigh or muscle. In high school I could bench significantly more that I weighed.

          • basketball is great too, I’ll take basketball over any sort of cardio any day.

          • Herr Schmitty

            YES. This is a wise statement.

            I hate exercise, but fuck if I don’t love to compete.

    • I get the same thing! I have to resort to jogging fairly slow, but even then it’s no fun.

  • FeelTheDarkness
  • I do rebounding i.e. jumping on a trampoline. You get similar results and no impact on the knees.

  • But seriously guys, I am up for making schedule for anyone that is interested! They would each be tuned to whatever fitness level one was currently at.

    GL

  • Tyree

    My father did the Iron Man in Hawaii, dude is a beast. I used to bike hardcore but I became possessed by metal and beer. Maybe one day I’ll treat my body better, but for now you keep on running GL.

    • NICE. Ironman Hawaii looks nuts. It was expensive enough doing it on the mainland. There is no way I would ever try to do it in Hawaii (first of all I am not a pro and I will never win the lottery to do it!) too much $$$$

      GL

      • Tyree

        He qualified for it. He also qualified for the Boston Marathon a shit ton of times.

        • Dang. I am kinda jealous. I think Boston would be neat. But my best marathon is only 3:26. I would have to do 3:05 to qualify 🙁

          GL

          • Tyree

            I’ll have to ask him what his best time was. I’ll ask what his time was in the Ironman too.

          • I am sure he is a tank. Qualify for the Ironman is nuts!

            GL

          • Tyree

            Yeah, he was really thin too. Sort of gross looking pictures of him. I think he weighed 138 at the time, now he’s like 250.

          • Stanley

            I’m an old fart but I should be in for 2016. I ran 3:16 in Berlin last year. I’m hoping to better that at one of this year’s races to be 100% sure. I ran 3:14 at CIM in 2012 which was a qualifying time, but I still didn’t make it in as there are just too many fast people out there. Getting a qualifying time does not guarantee entry. Especially if you only make it by the skin of your nutsack.

          • That is killer man. Very fast too. I hope I can get into the low 3:20’s but I am stuck in such a rut of training that I need something to change it up. Know what I mean?

            GL

          • Stanley

            I do. Do you do any speed work/tempo runs? I run long on Saturday, speed on Monday, easy on Wednesday, tempo on Thursday.

          • When I am training for a race yes. I have good success early on with the tempo workouts. The trouble is keeping up the quality temp runs once a week once the long runs get to 17/18 miles. It just gets tough.

            My best 18 miler was at 7:18/mile pace. Which was cooking. But I would have never been able to pull that off for the full 26

            GL

          • Stanley

            That’s fast. I’ve never run long tempo runs. My long runs are always conversational pace (which for me is 8:00). I’m getting ready for LA which is on March 15th.

            This was this weeks speed workout:

            Warm Up: 1.25 mi very easy 7 Drills + 3 Strides(100 meters or 25 seconds each)
            Workout: Fartlek workout = 5x(run 5:00 @ 6:15/mi then jog for 3:00) Cool Down: 1.25 mi very easy Good Stretch

            And this weeks Tempo:

            Warm up: Jog 1.75 mi very easy; 7 Drills + 3 Strides (100 meters or 25 seconds) .
            Workout: Run 1:00:00 @ 7:28/mi
            Cool down: Jog 1.5 mi very easy; Good Stretch

          • Stanley

            For once being old is an advantage!

          • CT-12

            Thanks for writing this article man! My gf and I have been walking everyday (just about haha) to get some cardio in, which is what I want to focus on more with my workout regiment. I’ve started running a few times, but my knees are always destroyed afterwards which keeps me from going any further with it. I might just have to try this 5 minute idea, at least it’s something!

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        Everyone I know that still lives there always get pissed when the Ironman comes around.

    • Scrimm

      I have seen hungover dudes jogging the next morning with a beer. Military drinkers>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

      • Tyree

        I do the Beer Mile every once in a while. That’s my kinda running.

        • Stanley

          That’s really a thing. It’s definitely picking up steam and gaining a lot of popularity lately. The world record is 4:57. I can’t even imagine.

          • Tyree

            Yeah, there is a group of us that do it every once in a while. The beer has to be 5% or higher though. No light beer.

          • Stanley

            So what is your beer of choice for this type of event? I guess you would want the flattest beer possible. Guinness is too weak, right?

          • Lacertilian

            ever do the beer hour of power?

      • Akercocke ov Steele

        My run’s always scraping the minimum.

        • Scrimm

          It will get better when you are in that environment full blown.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I miss the warm weather for riding, I suppose I could go out in the winter but it’s just not enjoyable. In summer though I’m out almost every day.

      • Tyree

        Riding in the winter is fucking miserable. I did it for one winter to and from work. IT SUCKED!

      • Stanley

        Yep. Then it’s the bike trainer for me. It sucks but I park it front of the TV and get to catch up on movies.

  • DDubya.

    GL, I’m with you all the way through this. I don’t like running with music or holding anything, and I never have. My wife and I run 4 times a week or so, and we plan to do our first half marathon this year.

    • Halfs are great fun! and much less painful!

      GL

      • DDubya.

        Also, my inner safety analyst applauds you for telling people to watch for traffic while running.

        • I hate runners/bikers and I am often both. It is just dangerous all around

          GL

          • The bikers that ride in the fucking automobile lanes when there is a goddamned bike path RIGHT THERE irk me to no end, bring out the demon in me.

          • DDubya.

            Technically, that is legal.

          • yes, but it’s also incredibly stupid, all it takes is one asshole texting on their phone to end a life.

          • Tyree

            I did that all the time. People would curse and scream at me. I got hit by a car twice too.

    • If I run with music it has to be something with a constant beat, like some sort of radio rock. Our music is too spastic with too many time signature changes to run to.

    • Stanley

      Which one? I have 3 on the schedule this year. LA, RIO and NY (although NY is a lottery and there is very little chance of getting in).

      • DDubya.

        Probably Dallas!

  • DeeSnarl

    Do you get a special bumper sticker when you run 26.2 marathons??

    • YourLogicIsFlushed

      26.2^2

    • I have a 140.6 mile sticker. I TRUMP ALL MAFUCKERS, lol

      GL

      • DeeSnarl

        Really? What’s that about?

        • Oh, that is the distance for the Ironman triathlon. 2.4 mile swim + 112 mile bike + 26.2 mile run.

          GL

          • DDubya.

            I think a triathlon would be cool, but I’m an absolutely awful swimmer.

          • Honestly, that is the hardest part. As long as you are OK and comfortable in swimming you will be fine. Most tris are much much shorts the Iron distances. Although shorter, the mental stress of mass starts are often just as bad as in the Iron distances….

            GL

          • DDubya.

            It’s more of an issue of efficiency. I can move in the water, but I expend way more energy slapping than I do with meaningful strokes.

          • Yeah, it just takes serious practice. Lots of laps! It helps to have running lungs too – easy to hold your breath. Also, you should learn bi-lateral breathing. Only breathing on one side is a total waste!

            GL

          • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

            “slapping” vs “meaningful strokes” he he he he

          • Stanley

            Mass starts rule. Adrenaline x10,000. It bums me out that IM are phasing them out, although drowning is a serious and real concern. Some dude died at Escape from Alcatraz 2 years ago and I think someone died at IM NY too.

          • I did Ironman Wisconsin in 2013 (my second time) and they still do a mass start. It is unbelievable. It is funny because you train for 6 months to be the best swimmer in the world: gliding, even strokes, easy does it… then… BANG you are swimming with 2800 people and everything you trained to do goes right out the window. All you can do it thrash and grope everyone around you. It is terrifying

            GL

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            I, I got to help set up the flugels for Ironman Kona.

          • Stanley

            I’ve done Alcatraz twice. There is nothing like 2000 people jumping off a boat into freezing cold water at 7 o’clock in the morning! If you don’t swim away from the boat quickly, you get pummeled!

          • Sweet man! I was just reading about that one. My wife and I will be in San Fran the second week of February. We are doing the Alcatraz night boat tour thingy. Pretty pumped

            GL

          • Very worth it!

          • Stanley

            Absolutely recommend a trip to Alcatraz. It’s the best touristy thing that you can do in SF. The audio guide is great and sure to give you the shivers.

          • Akercocke ov Steele

            sidestroke. That is all.

          • Stanley

            Trust me W, swimming is the easiest part. And I’m an average swimmer.

          • DDubya.

            You’ve never seen me swim 😉

          • i have loved swimming since before i had cognitive thoughts (mum had me in the water as an infant). it wasn’t until i took a swimming class that i learned i was doing it all wrong. it makes such a difference. i recommend it.

          • DeeSnarl

            That’s crazy talk. I start wheezing when I bend over to tie my shoes.

      • Stanley

        Ha! I don’t have the 140.6 sticker but I have the IM registration plate holder that came in the goodie bag at IM Lake Tahoe. It’s kind of embarrassing as I’m not that kind of person and never wear event T Shirts, but WTF, I sacrificed 6 months of my life for that shit!

  • my reaction upon seeing George Lynch as the author:
    http://makeameme.org/media/templates/120/happy_homer.jpg

    • Scrimm

      Another one joins the cool group!

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      Jimmy! You’ve joined the cool group!

      • mmm, i dunno… if it’s anything like the groups i join IRL, people tend to scatter once i’m in

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

          It’s not like real life though. I have involved myself with many kinds of people in real life. Most people accept me and love me. The select few who don’t like me scatter away from me. It’s the way of life.

          • like they say, you only YOLO once!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I hate YOLO. I hate current anything as my music taste clearly shows. I don’t consider myself a part of my generation. I was born so I could experience the shitty 2000’s. I would have rather lived through the 70’s and 80’s.

          • Jim, you seem like a nice guy. why SMH?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I just hate current anything. That’s something I truly despise even though I love a lot of things.

      • Ted Nü-Djent ™

        @James_Jimmy_McNulty:disqus IS the cool group

  • Tyree

    I’m sure you’ve been running on empty?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq25ZJwZJzU

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      Damnit Tyree! I hate Jackson Browne!

  • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

    Apparently I CAN agree on something with GL. Who knew? Except music, I have played music from almost the first time I jogged/waddled and have been doing so for a couple of years now. Never tried a marathon though.

  • Tyree

    This would be me after running.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9GIZZOt0Rk

    • FeelTheDarkness

      Me as well

  • DDubya.

    Also, if you do somehow get shin-splints, I found that wrapping my shins in ace bandages helps. I’ve only gotten them once in all my years of running, and it was after I had stopped for a while and was trying to lose weight. Like GL said, gliding helps.

    • Scrimm

      Also proper shoes. My luggage got lost one year coming back from Christmas break and my drill instructors were dicks and made me run in my only shoes which were skate shoes with zero support. Didn’t walk right for weeks.

      • DDubya.

        Also important!

      • CT-12

        Incredibly true

  • BLVKKBEVRD

    Cardiovascular training is not part of my regiment, nor do I think it will be

  • IronLawnmower

    I’d run by my country currently resembles the cover of ‘At the Heart Of Winter’. I am workin out though.

  • JWG

    Off-topic: the Taylor Swift concert tickets ad is still on top of my Twitter feed, a few weeks after its first appearance there. I still can not identify any reason for this other than mention on TovH Comments.

    I probably I just added one, myself.

    • Tyree
      • Where is the beer?

        GL

        • Tyree

          This is not me just so you know. But, Yes… The beer is in my fridge.

      • BLVKKBEVRD

        Geez, look at that idiot

        His arms are small too/anti-shoulders

  • Stanley

    Wow, GL. That is an impressive resume!

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld
  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Great post GL. My wife completed the 2014 NYC marathon, her first. Your article is very motivational and accurately described her progression from a half mile at the local high school to the marathon in about a two year span. I even started getting my fat ass out there with her and walk/shuffled. Great stuff… GOJIRA!!!

  • Ted Nü-Djent ™

    Really? No one had thought to post this yet?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3L-TOjazwg&feature=player_detailpage

  • My exercise routine:
    1. Get up.
    2. Too tired, going back to bed.
    3. Wonder why I’m overweight.

  • Stockhausen

    “Oh, you know, I’m no expert.”
    *HAS DONE EVERY FRIGGIN’ RUNNING THING IGNORANT PLEBS ONLY DREAM OF*

    But seriously, that’s an eye-popping exercise resume. Keep it up, I’m getting back in shape with some personal soccer practice. Those dudes do some running.