Swellin’ to the JIMMIEZ…

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Hey everybody, Detective McNulty here!  I’ve recently recovered from the great Akerstache catastrophe from a few months ago, and Joe is busy playing with some kind of water walrus; so I’m going to step in and provide some tips to all the swellers out there.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought to yourself, “I’m tired of getting stuffed into lockers. I bet CONAN THE MOTHERF*CKING KING and SMOHLG don’t get stuffed into lockers!” On Friday night we are destroying your body; so welcome to Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz. “Why Friday night?” you may be asking yourself. After work you might have a significant other or some adorable Corgis waiting for you at home. Maybe you come home and log on to Steam or PSN (if you’re 12, Xbox Live). Perhaps you’ve got friends waiting for you at the bar! All that can wait, for the gym is an open playground on Friday evenings. You’re not going to stand around and wait for some BDub bro in a 5FDP shirt to finish with the fly machine, you’re going to hop on and destroy your body [only to be rebuilt in a few days]. And when you’re finished with Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz, you’ll be able to join all your friends while feeling like a million bucks! Let’s investigate, shall we?

The key element tonight is focus. You can’t lose focus of the swell, though your friends might be texting you all night asking “where u be…” for this is a long workout with multiple stages and I will help you through it all. After a few weeks of this you’ll be wielding a Northern Regalia, the likes of which our friends Randall Thor and Masterlord SteelDragon so deftly handle. There’s a big break in the middle of our workout, and personally I prefer to drive to a different gym (the drive gives the body a chance to recover), but if that’s not an option you have to take a few minutes to pick up a coveted Swans vinyl or something… that’s your call.

STAGE 1: Torture. Queue up some quality grindcore. You must FOCUS on the swell for this stage, you can’t let the music occupy your mind. The more you actively listen to the music, the less you can work on destroying that muscle tissue. You can’t let a particular riff or hook take control, and the following two bands will help with that task:

We’re going to torture that muscle tissue with free weights. You need to do two exercises with each individual muscle group. For example, chest: do an incline and a decline, or an iso-lateral bench and flys (whichever you chose, next week do the other). A benchpress by itself doesn’t round out the workout, it requires a supplement. Take care of the following muscles (two exercises each): chest, back, bicep, tricep, shoulders, and abs. Two different exercises each should take you an hour. Make sure you don’t double-up too quickly; for example, most chest exercises also involve the triceps, so maybe follow up your benchpress with some curls. When finished, you need a 15-minute breather (this is when I drive to another gym). [Joe Note: Really??? Why???]

STAGE 2 :Slaughter of the Soul [body]. Your muscles have been through a lot, but now it’s time to introduce them to a new Vector of Cruelty. No tissue shall remain unharmed in stage 2, so we need to shift our FOCUS onto something other than the destruction. This is where I change over to bands that require truly active listening, like tech death or BTBAM. It’ll keep your mind off of the pain:

These muscle groups have been through a lot, now it’s time to finish them (There’s my JAG reference)! Hop onto the machines, the ones which require moving the pin for different weights. Perform an exercise or two for each of the muscle groups we just destroyed (these are a little easier; the pulleys allow for a linear change in resistance). So, in Stage 1 we incorporated the core muscle groups and a few ancillary muscles. Here, we are making sure they don’t live to fight another day. Spend about 45 minutes here.

STAGE 3:  Heartwork… and this is where I’m going to lose a lot of you. Not because of the work, but because of the music picks. It’s cardiovascular time! These exercises get boring and repetitive quickly, and I find that metal doesn’t do the trick. (BTW Rho Stone, I dare you to find a single fault in a Lady Gaga video.)

Intense weight lifting DOES burn a lot of calories, but we need to get that sweat flowing. Lose last night’s beer weight so you can replenish it with tonight’s. Hop onto an elliptical machine or a stationary bike (if you’re cray, actually run). Metal will keep you checking the clock every few minutes, hence the pop picks. You can exercise to the beat, sing along with them; the time will go by in a flash. Sneak in 30 minutes of cardio before leaving the gym. You’ll thank me after wiping the sweat from your brow after the 666th time.

STAGE 4:  Join your bro’s at the bar! Tyree and George Lynch are seeing who can drink the most cheap beers, Stockhausen is tasting a craft beer that’s only brewed two weeks every other year, and J. Hotel is passed out in the corner (we’ll have to lift him to safety later). As for me, I’ll have a few shots and go see what Rhonda Pearlman is up to…

drunk.mcnulty

I hope you have success with Jimmy’s Friday Night Blitz! None of the information contained here is based on fact, so keep your lips shut, Paris Hilton! This program will turn your Ghaal into a true Manowar. I also find that if you wear an OSDM shirt you’ll earn a good amount of respect and/or fear whilst using the equipment…

(Via)

  • Xan

    FOR CROM!

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      fuckin’ eh !
      I am late again, insatiable whores.

  • Edward Meehan

    The coveted Swans vinyl reference >>>>>>>>>

  • Death

    My corgis thank you for the reference, Jimmy.

  • Lady SteelDragon

    Gaga is my jam.

    • Guacamole Jim

      Respect!

    • Paris Hilton

      The Fame and The Fame Monster are both fucking pop masterpieces.

      PERIOD!

      *Flushes Britney $pears down Fred Durst’s toilet*

      • Didn’t know Fred durst could afford a toilet of that caliber.

        • Paris Hilton

          He’s still got a bit of cash left over from “Hot Dog Flavored Water”

      • Artpop is pretty fuckin rocket too man!

        • Paris Hilton

          If you don’t jam out to “Do What You Want To My Body” then there is something seriously wrong with you. Please go seek medical advice of this is the case. You may have “Nofunitis” also known as “Morrissey Disease” or “Henry Rollins Syndrome.”

          #healthtipsfromparishilton

        • Paris Hilton

          If you don’t jam out to “Do What You Want To My Body” then there is something seriously wrong with you. Please go seek medical advice of this is the case. You may have “Nofunitis” also known as “Morrissey Disease” and “Henry Rollins Syndrome”.

          #healthtipsfromparishilton

          • Paris Hilton

            Double post. MY BAD!

            -Paris Hilton

    • Mylady
      *tips fedora

  • You’re the best, Jimmy.

    Also, driving to a 2nd gym to continue your workout is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

    • Renan Ribeiro

      He’s a pro and we’re still amateurs, that is the message here

      Or maybe that’s the secret

      http://tech.graze.com/content/images/2014/Apr/mind-blown.gif

      • Xan

        I’m going to use this GIF for everything now.

        • The Black Dahlia Burger

          The whole segment is amazing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFTaiWInZ44

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            could be my favorite after the greene machine episode and the cinco brothers murder trial, the innernet is a killer too.

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            I think i’d have to say this universe one is my favorite, just the delivery and absurdity of everything they say is so perfect haha. the paul rudd one is amazing too https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWX4GUYGQXQ

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            hahahahh, for me it is truly one of the few shows that i enjoyed every single episode of, there was no duds. Tom goes to the mayor was flawless as well, with all the out of left field guest stars that would turn up. The only thing that comes close for me is Mr. Show which is about 20 years older and a different generations comedy. Of course odenkirk helped out tim and eric a lot. My cousin is 31 and he loved mr. show but i show him tim and eric and he doesn’t even crack a smile. Just doesn’t get the humour at all. And i am just thinking to myself how can someone not laugh their guts out over this stuff.

          • Fred Willard. wins every time he does anything.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i don’t know how i could forget about spagett !https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyh3C1xDT3Y

          • The Black Dahlia Burger

            Oh god Spaghett is priceless hahahahaha. It’s a very weird kind of humor though, i understand how people wouldnt get it

      • i’m in Madison WI, going to see these blokes live tonight!!!

    • Total waste of precious gas, and that might give the muscles time to get stiff again

      • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

        Mcnult got himself a Duramax Diesel so mileage isn’t an issue

    • Let them muscles breathe!

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Nice article buddy!

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        holy shit man ! You never mentioned anything about the gym before! This workout is late night info-mercial quality. I wish i had the stones to regiment myself to do this.

        • yessir, now if I could only get rid of this beer belly…….

    • I probably didn’t elaborate enough on this one…
      my gyms are about 2 miles away from each other. it gives me about 10 minutes to relax and cool off with the winders down…
      and they’re the same company, so I just pay the one bill

  • Howard Dean

    Weekend plans: Food, fistfights, and fun. Break shit/fight cops. Total Satan.

    Oh, and mowing the lawn. Only grass is real.

    http://www.quickmeme.com/img/48/487ed77c9c150dec8c9e0f6f6a3dbb0465643efcb7889840bebe818f0caf3689.jpg

    • Death

      At first I read “fisting” and I was slightly baffled.

      • Howard Dean

        You’re back! Only DEATH is real (but not really, because Finland).

        • Death

          Damn my country!

          • Howard Dean
          • Xan

            What a goddess.

          • Howard Dean

            If she were a U.S. President, she’d be Baberham Lincoln (but not really, because Finland).

          • Tyree

            Wayne’s World and Tombstone have been referenced and quoted all week. I’m fine with this.

          • Deputy Dipshit

            She makes me feel kind of funny… like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.

          • Death

            I don’t feel any attraction towards her.

          • Howard Dean

            Because you are dead. And imaginary.

          • Death

            ….

          • Howard Dean

            You are attracted to Zoosadism?

          • Death

            Im lut k thx bye

          • W.

            I love this picture.

          • Scrimm

            Perfect.

          • Tyree

            Hahaha! That’s not how that works.

          • Cock ov Steele

            Hehe Doink!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            ………

          • Paris Hilton

            Doink The Clown and Razor Ramone are my shit in this game! I only lose when I’m up against like 4 Lex Lugers.

          • Fucking throwing down electrical energy tombstones on Shawn Michaels all day.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            This game was amazing. It’s a shame the sequel In Your House was so bad.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            The PS1 version was surpisingly good for a port of an SNES and Genesis game.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            His initial run as a heel was amazing as well as his ECW stint under his real name. Now there are so many people who portray Doink that Matt would be displeased if he wasn’t doing the spinneroonie in his grave. Booker T would be jealous of the constant spinneroonie that Matt is doing because of how his legacy is being tarnished.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            your wrestling knowledge is impressive my friend.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I know a lot about wrestling, though I prefer WCW to the other promotions of that time as I used to watch Thunder and Nitro at age 4 which was in 1999. My 5 year old self loved 2000 era WCW. I do not love it currently though I love that Ahmed Johnson was in the company for a short time. Ahmed Johnson is one of my favorite wrestlers because of his incomprehensible promos and his IC title match with Goldust that is one of my favorite matches of the 90’s. It’s a shame he didn’t get the push that he was going to get because of his constant injuries. I also think the Pearl River Plunge is one of the greatest finishers ever.

          • Tyree

            I feel the opposite.

          • Cock ov Steele

            A hard opposite.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            death, no offense, but does a being like you not have a dong ? No offense. I know the grim reaper doesn’t have one because it would influence his work.

          • Death

            I think I have said that me not having a dong is true. If I haven’t, now I have.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i will forever associate suomi with hot blondes with big boobs instead of impaled nazarene albums.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I agree. She is extremely attractive yet not as attractive as some of my female friends.

          • she raises my dong

      • There is a condition for having your job back. You must once again take chloe.

        • Death

          Fine… I’ll take that damn thing.

          • HALLELUJAH! NO TAKE BACKS 😀

          • Death

            I’m just going to put it in the area which I never go to, Åland. No one ever goes there.

          • What’s that?

          • Death

            It’s a place that no one ever visits. Can’t you read?

          • Interesting

          • Death

            It’s an island that has it’s own government but is still part of Finland. We own it. They speak Swedish there and no one ever goes there.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Yay, you’re back! Now I can tell you about the ELP album I found in my room that I had no remembrance of buying! It’s called Emerson, Lake and Powell and it’s from the 80’s. It’s like an amazing version of the Asia albums Alpha and Astra, both of which suck terribly compared to this great album.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          Is that the one with the single Touch and Go ? That was a fairly good song.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yeah, it is. I bought it for a dollar apparently as that is what the price tag says. I also bought Tarkus for 6 dollars though I saw a copy at a thrift store for 25 cents not long after I bought my copy. I regret not buying the 25 cent copy because 6 dollars was a pretty high price. On the other hand I bought 4 Yes albums.,

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I probably said this before but i have a 3 cd set of ELP and thats about all i need. I have a small collection of albums , but i don’t have a turntable so i may liquidate some of the more valuble ones on ebay. Tarkus is definitely one of my favorite album covers of all time.

    • Watch out for bunnies……….

  • Tyree

    This post brought tears to my eyes (Tears of Joy). Don’t wreck into a bridge abutment on the way over to Rhonda Pearlman’s house.

  • Tyree

    Squash Bowels is my favorite meal. Also, they are a fucking crushing grind band.

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’m fucking fat and going to start hitting the gym come this October. At that time I’m going to be super thankful for these posts, because I’m going to need some BALLZ TO THE FUCKING WALL playlists to get swole to.

    • Renan Ribeiro

      Take the plunge, man. You don’t need to be completely anal about fitness or nutrition to feel the benefits – unless you have a specific health condition.

      If you start slow, you’ll be able to progress with time and aim always higher, without feeling burned out.

      Try changing small things like limiting fried foods and drinking coke, which is one of my addictions.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I’ve actually started shifting my diet around in preparation, and I already feel better, sleep better, etc.

        I used to work out and was pretty diligent about it, but fell off the train a couple years ago and just let myself go. I’m not really that fat, but I could lose a good 30 lbs. Now it’s really hard to get started again. I’ll do what you’ve said and start it slow so I don’t run out of steam and just get lazy again.

        • Not to sound like a fucking motivational poster or anything but just go today. When I put shit off like “I will start this on X day” I never do it. See: our broken ass forum that I had a deadline to fix.

          • Guacamole Jim

            No, you’re absolutely right, but the issue is finances, not motivation. I honestly just can’t afford a membership right now, and I’m waiting for my October cheque before I go in. I could get a day pass though…

          • Scrimm

            Dude lifted with dumbells, using an old guitar hardcase as a makeshift bench for a long time. Not ideal but I still made some good progress. I have an ass kicking workout right now that doesn’t use anything more than bodyweight and only takes a few minutes and leaves me gasping on the floor at the end.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Go on….

          • W.

            If you can find some P90x videos, some of those workouts will shred your body.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Diamond Dallas Page created an exercise routine that works extremely well that combines cardio with yoga. Of course it is named after him with the name being DDP Yoga.

          • Renan Ribeiro

            If you have a smartphone with you check out te app Gorilla Workout. It’s paid but you can download individuals programs for 1.99 and not the whole app at once. That one is great, as it has programs for every part of your body (including whole body and aerobic) divided into 4 difficulty levels. Great stuff.

          • Scrimm

            I start with 20 body weight squats, The 10 pushups,flip over for 10 crunches(or sit ups, or whatever variation floats your boat), back to 10 more pushups( I usually do wider ones this time) and finally back over for whatever kind of leg lifting exercise you like. That is one continuous set. After the first set I rest for 30 seconds then do it again for four more sets, but after the first I only rest half as long.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            When the world goes road warrior apocalypse i want you on my team. We will have to meet up at the mall of america or there is a giant mall in edmonton canada as well. Canada would be better , low population. Set up defenses. I have never shot a gun though, i should get on that.

          • Scrimm

            Sounds like a plan. I’m all for Canada. I can teach you all about shooting if need be.

          • Guacamole Jim

            SOME OF US CAN SHOOT

            Because Alberta 🙂

          • Guacamole Jim

            Some of us also own guns

            Because Alberta 🙂

          • Guacamole Jim

            I live relatively close to that mall…. I have… connections.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            you’re in the post apocalypse family then, most definitely. It would be best if you got a job there to stake out everything.

          • Guacamole Jim

            The sad thing is I actually worked two different jobs there when I was in college 🙁

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Count me in. I’ve always wanted to go to the mall in Edmonton and when the road warrior apocalypse comes I shall be excited to go there. I have family near that mall in Canada but they’re closer to Calgary. At least when it happens I will be able to vanquish my least favorite person on Earth: Lance Storm.

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            What the hate of Lance Storm?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I fucking hate him. His Twitter is the most vapid garbage since Emmure came into existance and his Canada heel stables make me ashamed to be Canadian. Fuck him and fuck his WCW based Team Canada stable even more for turning Jim Duggan into a Sgt Slaughter style turncoat. Jim Duggan wasn’t even born in Canada you fucking idiotic man!

          • Virgil the Ghost Poet

            I do not remember that.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            You’re in ! The good people of the toilet are the only people i can trust !

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Yay! I’ll pick up a Dodge Challenger as soon as it happens.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            this is my dream car since i was 10 years old.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            I would pick up a Plymouth Barracuda if I could.

          • our teamwork would be what keeps us surviving. the people at FFB couldn’t get along long enough to last…

          • sweetooth0

            Think I’ll try that today and see how badly out of shape I am…

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            Yea, weight is weight, i call that caveman style. There is some gyms that just have those kettle weights.

          • Scrimm

            Those are a bastard, great for functional strength.

          • article. do it.

          • Scrimm

            Maybe. I never got around to fixing up the first piece I wrote.

    • Honestly the hardest part is starting, once u do though, you will want to keep going.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      going to the gym is a pain/pleasure situation. Sometimes you get an awesome high. Where i go only women work there so i fantasize about a liason on one of the machines to keep my spirits up. Plus the mirrors make staring at the females painless and undetectable.

      • Guacamole Jim

        This is why you’re the Motherfucking King. I’m drinking a beer to you tonight.

      • i’m on a hotel computer with windows 9 or something, I have no idea how to work it, otherwise i’d link…
        go to youtube and find BroScienceLife. one of their videos is about how to talk to women in the gym, and there’s a segment about checking them out by using as many mirrors as possible. it’s great.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Make sure to put Balls To The Wall by Accept on all your playlists.

  • W.
    • Tyree

      I have not yet begun to defile myself.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      I use to love this man, real genius, top secret, willow, the saint, the salton sea, i even enjoyed him as batman. He now does a one man show about mark twain.

      • W.

        Oh man, Top Secret is so great.

      • Oh man, Salton Sea is so great.

      • Lacertilian

        Dieter von Cunth worked for me too.

  • Scrimm

    I’m disappointed I wasn’t invited to the bar. I’ll just sit at home and cry into my beer and watch shitty horror movies alone.

    • W.

      Scrimm, I’ll join you too.

      • Scrimm

        Awesome! I feel much better.

        • Tyree

          I’ll join too! McNulty get too hammered.

          • Scrimm

            YES! We’re gonna need a lot more beer. You guys can pick the movies, I have a pretty swell collection.

          • W.

            Do you have Stalker? I’ve been waiting for it to pop up on streaming services.

          • Scrimm

            I know of a Russian and Irish film with that title. I saw the russian one years ago but I don’t own either unfortunately.

          • W.

            I’m talking about the Russian one. The games are based off of it, and if I remember correctly, Pelagial has some connection to it too.

          • Death

            I want to see that movie but have never gotten around to watching it. I will one day.

          • W.

            Same.

          • Ur back!

          • Scrimm

            I honesty don’t remember too much about it, except that I thought at the time it was a movie that needed to be seen more than once to really get the most out of it. Now I am interested.
            EDIT: I do remember noticing the very long takes in the film. Unusual but pretty cool.

          • W.
          • Death

            Love that album.

          • Scrimm

            That sounds cool I need to check that out. I love album length songs like Edge of Sanity’s Crimson.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            swano can do no wrong, he even made a depeche mode song heavy on his covers album.

          • Scrimm

            I really like that song.

          • arsis may have a Depeche mode cover on United In Regret…

          • Tarkovsky’s filmography >>>>>>>>>>>>

          • W.

            I know, I need ti watch it.

          • Solaris in particular is the jam, but don’t bother with the Clooney remake (not that anyone with a shred of good taste or a functioning brain would).

          • Edward Meehan

            Up In The Air was great though.

          • Gurp

            Get out of here, Stalker.

          • Tyree

            I should have Inland Empire in the mailbox when I get home. I’ll bring that over plus a case of brew.

          • Scrimm

            Sounds good. That’s a wild flick.

          • Tyree

            Found this gif and I’m not sure what movie it’s from. It’s so BR00000TAL!
            http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lzapoxnnmM1qfpn1do1_500.gif

          • Scrimm

            Oh man that looks familiar. Gonna drive me nuts now.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I don’t even know this one ! Stay brutal my friend. I think i have to oil the sword after seeing this bloody treat !

          • Scrimm

            I keep thinking Blood Night but I think I’m wrong.

          • Edward Meehan

            I’m at a public library killing time before this appointment lol

          • Tyree

            Hahaha, Sorry.

          • Edward Meehan

            Most br00tal .gif ever.

          • Beunhaas

            Ewww.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            this is like a jackson pollock painting, beautifully brutal – death as art – argento at his best.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzeJr8iiit4

          • Scrimm

            Classic

      • Is there something going on between you two that you would like to tell the class?

        • W.

          We’ve got a Jay and Silent Bob type thing going on.

    • crazytaco_12

      Fuck yeah shitty horror movies! I honestly wish I spent more of my time watching all my shitty horror movies, a simple pleasure that rocks when you find a good one in a bad bunch.

      • Scrimm

        Nothing like it. I just wish I could discover all the classics again.

        • crazytaco_12

          Ever seen “The Alpha Incident” or “Scream Bloody Murder” (aka “The Captive Female”)? Both are pretty underrated classics in my book. Lemme know if you’ve got any recommendations

          • Scrimm

            I don’t believe I have. It’s been so long since I’ve found anything obscure I’d have to think on it.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            Youtube has enough old shit to keep me going for a lifetime. I have a smart tv and watch them right off there. There is stuff i find that doesn’t even have any evidence of it’s existence on the net. I just go to a reivew site specializing in old horrors and check for them on youtube. When i find it, i check the persons channel and quite often subscribe to it because they have a whole bunch of the same genre downloaded.

          • Scrimm

            Yeah I’ve found several things that look cool on there I just need to take the time to sit down and watch it. Haven’t even scratched the surface yet.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            here is a really good italian horror with a touch of sci fi. It’s kind of funny in parts too, goblin soundtrack which is always great.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pEMHzwUiuk

          • Scrimm

            Nice I’ll check this out post haste.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      The great classic shitty horror movies are Nightmare on Elm Street 4 and 5, any Friday The 13th movie after The Final Chapter, all of Leprechaun and Wishmaster movies and all Hellraiser movies after the second one with the exception of Bloodline.

      • Scrimm

        I love Jason Lives. It’s far from great but I kind of enjoy the 6th Hellraiser too.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I oddly enough enjoyed the Friday The 13th movie that was in Manhattan. I hated all the Hellraiser movies after Bloodline and I hated the third one.

          • Scrimm

            I hate the third one too but 6(Hellseeker) had Ashley Laurence in it and had a few cool moments at least. Even Barker had some kind words for it. I won’t say it’s good but it’s the only one post Bloodline worth watching.

    • oh no! I sowwy. next time

  • NefariousDude

    Was that you in the ackerstache abyss mcnulty? I knew I felt a tug at the end of my drag rope

  • If by workout, you mean go to band practice and smoke cigars and drink beer, then yeah dude, I am gettin swoll tonight

    • Tyree

      That sounds like a good night.

      • I’ll make my bandmates take a picture of my bad basic self

        • Cock ov Steele

          It better be a kegger from a 15 gallon chalice.

      • NefariousDude

        My night, every night. Aspiring alcoholic here

        • Tyree

          Eh, me too. Shameful.

          • NefariousDude

            When I’m out of grass, I drain the glass.

    • Death

      I’m not sure if the dictionary defines it that way.

      • Have you tried a Pumpkin Spice Latte yet?

        • Death

          No. We don’t celebrate halloween here.

          • You need to get a Pumpkin Spice Latte

          • Death

            I prefer real coffee.

          • #really #bb

          • W.

            You have done me proud. True warriors drink black coffee.

          • Death

            I’m Finnish, everyone here loves coffee. If you don’t, you ain’t a true Finn.

          • W.

            Can I be a Finn?

          • Death

            Legally you can and if you’re white our racist will accept you here.

          • W.

            Eggcellent.

          • Death

            10/10 would pun again.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Truth! My mom came from a Finnish family, and they start their kids young on the coffee. She used to give us black coffee in little cups when we were really young.

          • Death

            I was taught to drink coffee early on as well. My little brother doesn’t like coffee, so he’s a false Finn.

          • W.

            Is his name Randall Thor?

          • Death

            No. No one in Finland likes power metal that much.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Aren’t all Finns false? #imaginationland

          • Death

            Wouldn’t that technically make him real?

          • Guacamole Jim
          • Cock ov Steele

            Perhaps you never knew this but Little Death was in fact adopted from the Swedo-Finnish border. I think we know what side he was born on however.

          • crazytaco_12

            Bullshit, black coffee sucks.

          • Gurp

            Then post about it on Instagram.

    • Paris Hilton

      What kind of cigars you smoke?

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      add a couple of joints and the metal workout is complete.

  • old_man_doom

    I find that Anaal Nathrakh perfectly complements the stage one: muscle torture of my workout. It’s a total symphony of pain and suffering, but i come out of it feeling reinvigorated and praising satan

  • Renan Ribeiro

    Vale of Pnath reminds me of Allegeon a lot. Or maybe the other way around.

    • W.

      They’re Colorado buddies.

  • Guppusmaximus

    No need for the nighttime workout. I tortured my shoulders,biceps & triceps with the dumb bells this morning to some OSDM. Totally swoll for the bitches at work…aw yea:)

    • Tyree

      Yeaaahhh! Get some!

      • Guppusmaximus

        Casual Friday’s are the best for an athletic cut t-shirt…

        • Tyree

          Total Bro move BRAH! High five!

          • Guppusmaximus

            Give me five! Up high? Down Low?…. TOO SLOW!! 😛

          • Tyree

            Woooah! You got me BRAH!

          • Guppusmaximus

            Yeah… IM SUPA FAST, BRAH!!

        • W.

          I’m partial to the v-neck. It lets me show off my sweater vest of chest hair.

          • Tyree

            I’m jealous of your manly chest hair. I want a Tom Selleck chest.

          • W.

            I’m basically there, dude.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            My grandma always loved this man. Chuck Norris as well, big fan of walker. She also watched the brutal charles bronson death wish movies at the age of 82. HBO Rome as well. She even listened to Rammstein Mutter and translated the lyrics. Cool old lady.

          • Your grandma knew the Riddle of Steel.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i am a reynolds man myself

          • crazytaco_12

            “Chest pubes down to my ball fro”

          • Tyree

            I want pubes every where!

          • crazytaco_12

            Your mouth too?!

          • Tyree

            Yup! Everywhere!

          • Guppusmaximus

            Do you also v-neck your sweatshirts for the gym? If so, I’m aroused:)

          • W.

            Anything for you.

  • Death

    I don’t really work out. I go to work by bike and walk my dogs. That’s pretty much all I do. It keeps me alive.

    • I wish I lived close enough to do something like that, but at least I can get 1.5 hours of audiobook listening in every day

      • Death

        I only have 3 kilometers to work from my home. There’s a pretty annoying bridge that I have to go through and it’s always so fucking windy on it.

        • Man if I lived that close to work, I would probably just walk on the nicer days (no bike yet)

          • Death

            When it’s winter I like to walk to work. It’s nice and relaxing. I use my bike often because I tend to sleep late and I would be late to work if I were to walk.

          • I do the same thing, except I’m just late and get yelled at it

          • Death

            I would be called a hypocrite by my students. I have actually never been late from work/school.

    • Death

      Do you wish to be like that one keyboard player that was in a power metal band?

      • WHO SAYS I AM NOT ALREADY!?

        • We all saw you gorge on Chinese food.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          Maybe the keyboard player is YOU, we have never seen your real face !

          • Death

            We have seen a video of him.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            damn, my clever joke is ruined !

          • Death

            That happens sometimes.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      fuckin eh ! give me power metal or give me death by being fucked to death by a whore ! My goal is to make Manowar cool by the end of the year.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ0sW7KOFhU

      • W.

        Manowar don’t need defense. They’re awesome already.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    let’s deal out some 21 year old magic with my girl taylor. I am going to hell for the things i think about her at night.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmtbg5b7_Aw

  • George Clarke

    im swellin bro

    • W.

      Yo, GC, how’s that surrealism piece coming along?

      • George Clarke

        its swellin bro

  • From a lesser blog’s list of the top 5 greatest opening songs on debut albums. Let’s discus: taste is subjective. That being said this is a pile of bullshit.

    • George Clarke

      pile of bullshit indeed

      they are probs getting paid to promote wovenwar

      • I would not doubt it. If there’s a mediocre young band with a pile of money behind them, you can count on breathless coverage. Necromancing the Stone will be the next awful band to be stroked into oblivion.
        /bitter music blogger. but srsly.

        • Renan Ribeiro

          That shit is wack as fuck

        • George Clarke

          hey dude good grindcore on this list

          im swellin bro

        • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

          Sponsored content eh?

    • What in the ever-loving fuck? I will forever flush Wovenwar, that shit is uber weak.

      • Not enough Archspire

        • They have an unhealthy deficiency of weedly-deedlees.

          • Indeed

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            That’s why I love my prog and it’s extreme amount of weedlies and deedlees. ELP are the master of the keyboard based weedly-deedlees and Yes, especially Steve Howe are the masters of all the other prog instrument based weedly-deedlees.

          • Death

            ELP might be good at weedly-deedlees, but they’re not good at making good songs!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan

            Tarkus is one of the greatest songs ever! Don’t insult ELP and their weedlies and deedlees! Even their attempts to write mainstream music from the 1990’s were awesome! I still hate Love Beach though.

    • Taste is subjective; Wovenwar’s suck-itude is an objective fact.

      • Renan Ribeiro

        Necromancing the stone has palpable wackness

        • Can we just refer to them as the band that must not be named?

    • Who the Fuck? Why the Fuck? What the Fuck?

    • crazytaco_12

      Holy fucking shit. Out of every debut fucking metal album in existence, you have 5 songs you can choose, and the dude goes with fucking WOVENWAR?! I don’t know if this is just an incredible payday or a complete lack of taste.

      • Gotta be a payday….right?

        • Edward Meehan

          Cash rules everything around me.

        • crazytaco_12

          Good god I hope so. I was waiting for someone to comment me with the el paso taco shells girl saying “why not both”, surprised that never happened

    • more beer

      You know they promote more shit bands than good bands. It`s just them being greedy capitalists and having no integrity.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      They are fucking idiots. Anyone that hates nu metal as much as them but can praise Wovenwar is a fucking hypocrite. I would listen to nu metal over Wovenshit any day.

    • JWG

      it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

  • GUYS I GOT THE JOKE.
    >Jimmy McNulty
    >Swelling to the *Jimmies*
    Jimmy=Jimmies

    Hail Illuminati.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    i still love this classic – encore –

    • Cock ov Steele

      What’s funny is my back patch is a Dark Angel one but I regret it a little.

    • Scrimm

      I like this one.

    • crazytaco_12

      Shit makes a difference!

    • reminds me of a hilarious conversation about this on FFB!!!

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    blake judd as peter fuckin’ potamus, i laughed about this for days already.

    • Death

      That fits perfectly. He even looks like he’s on drugs.

  • Cock ov Steele

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZyIqOq658w This makes me want to believe that one day, in the future we will evolve to be able to fly, and therefore we will need to do some aerocardio stuff.

  • Where is the part about squats in the interrogation room? Or was that just u being drunk?

  • Paris Hilton

    Killer article! Even if it’s not based on fact you’ve outlined a perfect workout, couldn’t have done it better myself. Also, This is How We Do is the tastiest jam of 2k14! Right when Prism came out I was like, “This song is gonna be a #1.” And my prediction will come true, mark my fucking words!

    • What’s that?

      • Paris Hilton

        My prediction? That This Is How We Do is gonna be Katy Perry’s next #1. I have an eye for these things. I’m sort of an odd metalhead in that I have encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture.

        • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

          You still going to the AMON AMARTH show ?

          • Paris Hilton

            You bet!

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            cool, hahahh, you will recognize me but i will not know you, unless you start doing your backflips !

        • I was asking what this is how we do is, didn’t realize it was a katy perry song.

          • Paris Hilton

            Look it up! Also look up Hummingbird Heart Beat* by her. *Disclaimer: you will be hooked

          • Somehow I doubt that but I will check it out anyway

      • Death

        I listened to that song. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It was horrible.

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      hahahhah, as soon as i saw the word prism i though of these canadian lads from the 70’s Prism who never really got off the ground.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyH_TTszwS8

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cbK1EfADXU OUCH ! Argento – tenebre (82)

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    My signed goblin/argento/deep red stuff i got off ebay and overpayed for no doubt.

    • Scrimm

      It’s worth it. that’s some cool shit. Here’s what I got signed at Monsteralooza.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        thats a lot of autographs on there ! Are you going to frame that one ?

        • Scrimm

          It is framed now, I took that right after I got it.

      • crazytaco_12

        Honest thought about RaVager?

        • Scrimm

          After talking to Don Coscarelli and the cast I saw their enthusiasm is sky high, so I have faith.

          • crazytaco_12

            I’d like to believe in another good Phantasm movie, but good lord, the trailer looked fucking god awful.

          • Scrimm

            I didn’t think so. Besides the effects were unfinished, and in the book that just came out said that that is mostly test footage and we really haven’t seen anything from the movie

          • crazytaco_12

            Yeah, well, here’s to hoping

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          That trailer made me so giddy about the movie. I must see it.

          • Scrimm

            Won’t be much longer my friend. I share the anticipation.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        It’s actually happening! When does it comes out?

        • Scrimm

          Hahaha dude I mentioned that too you a while ago. Rest assured it is for real filming is complete it is n post production. There is no date yet but Coscarelli told me next year for sure, hopefully earlier in the year rather than later.

          • was it strenuous on set?

          • Scrimm

            No way seeing those guys together it’s obvious they all love each other. They actually shot the movie in bits and pieces over a couple years. It is just that there have been several false starts and dead ends getting a new movie going, most started to believe we’d never get another one.

    • Tyree

      I got the deep red dvd from amazon, Is it the Blue Underground edition?

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        blue underground put out the best stuff. There is a company from the UK called arrow that is frequently not up to par. I have blu rays of all the argento stuff, i have suspiria from japan, british and french companies. I am a stickler for that one. US company Synapase is releasing some argento blu rays soon that are suppose to be remastered in 2K which is suppose to mop the floor with what is currently on the market. It’s also a good idea to get an all region blu ray player , then you can play movies and dvd’s from anywhere in the world. They are cheap too, i got one for 80 bucks on ebay.

        • Scrimm

          Arrow sucks. Never buy Arrow.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            https://www.rottencotton.com/index.php i buy a lot of horror film shirts from here. You have probably looked at the site already though. Good prices and quality.

          • Scrimm

            I ordered a Lovecraft tribute shirt from there . They were at the convention but they only had a few types of shirt. Smart move, being at a phantasm reunion and bringing none of your phantasm ones. They did have a big trouble in little china one i wanted but I spent too much.. I also like frightrags.

          • my name is Oliver Queen……..

  • Count_Breznak

    I prefer to just skip to step 4, all the while playing the music from step 1.

  • Squibble Skwonk

    Pshh. Weightlifting is for poseurs. I’ll be swimming to the jimmies instead.

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    This article was good McNulty. The title was good but you should have put something like Yes from the 80’s, Asia, Spock’s Beard or Emerson, Lake and Palmer for the Heartwork section. Cardiovascular music goes great with prog or pop prog like Triumph, Asia and Emerson, Lake and Powell.

  • One day, I hope to hear a power or death metal version of this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbVqbw8h_Aw

    I think Babymetal could do it!

  • Lacertilian

    Gorod definitely works for this situation.