Swellin To The Jammiez: The Even Stevens Swole


Hey, y’all! Paris is back, and ready to answer one of your questions in the newest rendition of Swellin’ To The Jammiez! I’ve changed the format of STJ (not to be confused with those danged SJWs), in which I will be answering questions given by readers and dishing out some hot tunes while I’m at it! Without further ado, here’s a most excellent question provided by reader Esusmoose:

“Esusmoose here,

Jump to final sentence for question, first paragraph is an explanation that leads to it

I’m wondering how should I more evenly gain muscle? I’ve off and on worked out, and after having a month (Dec-Jan) where I kept to a schedule there’s some asymmetry either due to previous failures to correctly workout (Left lateral head as wikipedia shows, is much larger than my right one) or more specifically compensating for poor form with other muscle regions. I’d like to have a mostly even level of strength, I feel this asymmetry causes me to at times target too much weight and then use slightly imperfect forms on the weaker limb to accomplish sets.

So in a way to more concisely state, what a collection of exercises that would help build an initial level of strength and hopefully allow a  beginner to begin to evenly gain muscle?”

Asymmetry and uneven distribution of muscular strength are common problems amongst bodybuilders, athletes and the general population with regular fitness routines. Not only does this cause problems aesthetically, but can also be a huge detriment to proper lifting technique, injury prevention, and mental focus (the ability to focus on a workout without any inhibition is one of the most important and underrated aspects of fitness, don’t let anyone tell you differently!). The question is, what can you do when faced with this problem?

Firstly, opt for dumbbells rather than barbells whenever you can. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times: dumbbells are the greatest exercise invention created to date and quite possibly always will be. The use of dumbbells creates less stabilization in the skeletal muscle than barbells will, this causes the motor units  in the limbs of both sides to respond by multiplying in order to deal with the stress of the load and the balance (through neurogenesis and increased code rating). The practical application of this is that a more even level of strength in the limbs can be obtained, at least on a neurological level. It is important to note that this concept is more effective when the exercises are done unilaterally. This way, the action-potential of both limbs are being utilized even when one limb is at work. Evidence strongly suggests that this concept can even be used to retain muscular strength in athletes when they are faced with an injury.

The other reason why I am such a fan of dumbbells is because the lack of stability they provide increases core strength. When it comes to achieving full body symmetry of strength, we are going to want to start at the root… or the core. I cannot stress the importance of core strength enough in relation to this concept, CORE STRENGTH IS THE FOUNDATION OF HUMAN MOVEMENT. The core is used in some capacity in literally almost every form of movement done by the human body. With a stronger core will come better lifting technique, greater body awareness, and an awesome foundation in which to increase symmetry of muscular strength.

With these concepts in mind, let’s take a look at what a day of a 3-day/wk beginner full body exercise program would look like*:


Exercise Sets/Rest Between Sets Reps
Squat (either dumbbell or barbell) 4- 1:30s rest 2 of 12, 2 of 10
Incline Dumbbell Bench Press 4- 45s-1:00 rest 12-15
Dumbbell Skullcrushers (super-set) 3 12
Dumbbell Standing Hammer Curl (super-set) 3 (Complete immediately after Skullcrusher set, take 45s-1:00 rest) 12
Dumbbell Straight Leg Deadlift 3- 1:00 rest 8-12
Seated Shoulder Press 3- 45s rest 8-12
Diamond Push-ups 4- 45s rest 15-20


This is really meant to be an example and a guide more than anything. If you choose to use these exercises and concepts for your fitness routine, please do so with discretion. If you are unsure of how to do an exercise properly, either look it up and learn or ask someone! Trust me, there is no such thing as a stupid question! If there are personal trainers in your gym, pick their brains and ask away, most of them will be happy to help you out! If not, they’re probably dicks. There’s also literally thousands of step-by-step tutorials and guides for all lifting techniques on the internet that you can read and practice!

*I’ve added ample exercises that either target or antagonize the tricep in regards to the reference of the lateral head in the question. I assumed this meant the lateral head of the tricep, or this muscle. Despite the fact I’ve omitted a warm-up/stretch does NOT mean you should! I would say I’d kick your ass if you don’t spend at least 10 minutes warming up, but your workout will do that for me.*

Now that we’ve got the swellin’ down to a science, what about the jams!? Here are some auditory anti-catabolics that I use in hopes to someday become sexy enough to get a better taste in music. Enjoy!

Yes, this band is called Bench Press. Yes, they unironically fucking rule! What is ironic is that I usually deadlift to this band.

This has been one of my favorite swole sesh jams as of late. When I listen to tunes in the gym, I need some fun beats and a “I’m an unfuckablewith badass” attitude. This tune supplies me with both, fuck waitin’ to get it on ya own, X gon’ deliver to ya!

Not going to lie, I usually skip to the riff at about 30s when I listen to this song in the gym. I have broken a few PRs to that riff, however!

This little Absolute Vengeance jam always gets me absolutely FUCKING SWOLE! The music video is ridiculous, but in a candid and fun way!

I could never pinpoint why this song gets me so stoked, it just does. In true SOAD fashion I don’t really try to understand it, I just roll with it!

Well, kids, that’s it for today! If you have a question, a theme, or tunes that you would like featured on Swellin’ To The Jammiez then shoot an email over to toiletovhell@gmail.com! ‘Til then, stay chill, stay stoked, and stay fucking lifted!

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  • re: featured image
    i have the strangest boner right now

  • Benchpress is a band about which I would say “this is not a very good band”.

    I own two of their shirts.

  • Guacamole Jim



  • Also, is a cardio/stretch warmup necessary when lifting? I generally just go straight into lighter lifts and build up. Plz advise.

    • Guacamole Jim

      I have read (and it seems to make sense) that stretching before a workout is an easy way to injure yourself, but light cardio (if you must warm up) is not bad. Stretch after the workout, not before. To warm up, do a set of your exercise with little to no weight.


    • it depends: are there beautiful bishes in yoga pants doing cardio?

      • I work out at Gold’s. There are only dudes in jeans doing curls.

        • Dagon

          Ahnold fans

          • CyberneticOrganism


        • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

          I go to Crunch. It’s a nice place.

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        If there is the answer is yes. If not the answer is no.

        • i can respect that. i don’t ever intend to demean women, but i can see it being taken that way.

        • Scrimm

          My opinion is some people should learn to take a joke, there is a such thing as being too PC.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I can take a joke. If you didn’t know that was my SJW inpersonation.

          • Scrimm

            Didn’t mean you brah, just a general assessment of the state of things.

    • Scrimm

      I always tend to do my cardio after lifting, but that’s just me.

  • Tyreeling In The Years

    Work it Scrimm.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Stocky.

    • Scrimm
    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Jimmy.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Bear.

      • Enemy Of The Free World

        Damn, I look good!

      • Virgil the Ghost Poet

        Tyreeling In The Years >>>>>>>>>>>>

    • Scrimm

      Holy shit I just refreshed and saw that. I LOVE IT!!!!

      • Tairí really blow out the photoshop skillz with this one. I laughed a lot with the tall man one and the bear one jajaja.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Ann.

      • Jajajaja, her face>>>>>>>>>>

      • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

        Not sure which is bigger, the moose knuckle or the Adam’s apple.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      O_O Awesome!

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Howard.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Robot.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Paris.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Dubya.

      • Guacamole Jim

        Tyree wins The Toilet ov Hell.

      • VVayne Brady

        I look pretty fine.

        • Almost… demure.

        • Tyreeling In The Years

          Something caught your interest. I wonder what.

    • Tyreeling In The Years

      Work it Ron Deuce

    • Further Down the Metal Hole

      These are all glorious.

  • Paris, a question here: I have serious cholesterol issues because genetic reasons and when I work at late I have to buy any food that I can grab because I would die. The last doctor that saw my blood test told me that I have to walk. But I don’t have the time to do it, neither the money or the time (again) to enter a gym (also the will, I never been attracted to enter a gym, only Pokémon Gyms).

    My question is: how many time at day, and how many days I should walk? it’s the minimum that I need because I can’t have enough time to devout myself in walking, besides the insecurity here, too x_x).

    Thanks in advance.


    • Dagon

      Link, are you taking any medications for your cholesterol problems? Usually a high cholesterol in someone who is on the thinner side like yourself stems from genetic characteristics or a really really bad diet. Are there other people in your family with high cholesterol?

      Go to your doctor and talk to him about statins. They are generally safe and very effective. Diet/exercise will tremendously affect your triglycerides, but not so much your cholesterol levels.

      • I don’t use medications. And with the medications shortage in the country I think is a bad moment to do it.

        My mom have high cholesterol always and hypertension. And my dad had a heart stroke and hypertension too. From both sides of my family I have heart problems.

        Thanks for the concern, bro.

        • Scrimm

          I think Niacin can help with that as well.

          • The medic that saw my tests told me about one medicament, but I can’t remember the name :/

          • Lifting heavy weights and eating healthy will help out considerably. PLUS you get all swole! It’s worth it!

          • what does that mean? o.o)

          • Scrimm

            Good ol’ Ronnie Coleman.

          • Jajajaja!! I don’t think I’m good with that. I’m very skinny and I don’t have too much physical strenght.

          • you could switch from delicious Venezuelan food to T@c0 b311, that would solve your “skinny” issue

          • I think that aTrACO B3ll will kill me instead, jajaja!

          • more beer

            Why don’t you just tell him to eat a bullet. It would be the same result but less painful.

          • That’s why you should lift things! You will become strong

          • Guacamole Jim

            Joe is right. Lifting doesn’t take a ton of strength to begin with, or a good physique. You just gotta start and work your way there. It’ll be worth it to change your lifestyle around and get in shape. I devote three evenings a week to it (which really isn’t that much) and I’m already in much better shape now than I was five months ago. You feel way better when you lift, too.

          • Physical fitness really feeds into mental fitness. If I’m not at least together physically, my mental state is a wreck.

          • Scrimm

            This is very true. I am way off being unable to work out much.

          • Lacertilian

            I was lean/thin my whole life until last year and now I get 3 arvo workouts in a week, I feel a bit healthier too.
            Start small and don’t push yourself too far beyond your limits too early.

          • Scrimm

            You can add a lot into your diet fairly easy. Probably wouldn.t make a huge difference in and of itself but every little bit helps.

        • Dagon

          You could try to avoid eating too much red meat (but not entirely), fried foods and butter. Also, if you’re completely sedentary you should benefit from as little as walking for 30 minutes 4x a week at a good pace.
          Given your family history I’d say the statins are important for you, I hope the meds shortage gets better soon and you’re able to get some.

          • thank you! I will try to avoid those, then.

            I don’t know if I can make the walking because this work is very time consuming. When I get out of work is 6pm and I don’t have time to walk u.u

            When I start to think about it, it makes me sad. I feel like I’m killing myself doing this…

          • Scrimm

            It sucks but you have to make the time.

          • Dagon

            You should try to get a rope and jump your room, or look for a body weight exercise program. Ask Paris!
            Do the best with the space you have, you don’t need to walk, that’s something your doctor says to all his patients. There are many exercises you can do!

          • Scrimm

            Very true!

    • Akerskronks ov Steele


    • Paris Hilton

      Hmm. This in an interesting one. Time of the day doesn’t matter really, but do try to get at least a half hour of it daily. It’s all about replacing your habits with others. What I would try is listening to your music while doing some walking around! And of course, taking the stairs. However, this is a recommendation. With cholesterol issues it would be best to consult your doctor BEFORE exercising!!

  • Enemy Of The Free World

    Y’all tryin’ ta make me feel bad, about not gettin’ swole, aren’t ya!?

    • Based Tapir

      Why bother, you’re gonna die anyway.
      *jumps off a bridge*

      • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

        That is true. We will all die one day.

        • Based Tapir

          And I will embrace that day.
          *jumps in a furnace*

          • more beer

            That`s dedication fire is an awfully painful way to go.

    • Guacamole Jim


      Well, maybe,


  • Guacamole Jim

    This is an excellent edition though, Paris! Much good advice to be had here. I’m curious about your recommendation of the incline bench press as opposed to regular press (which I’ve been using steadily; I never found my muscles felt the exercise as much on an incline or decline BP). Does it affect different muscle groups? Is it a good starting place to get some base muscle from, and then you switch to something different?

    • Dagon

      Inclined gets your shoulders more involved in the motion than regular bench

    • I’ve recently starting adding incline to my chest workout. Wood recommend. I’m rounding out weak spots and stronger overall.

    • hijacking…
      do them all. your chest will adapt if you only do one style of bench. changing the angle keeps the muscles “on their toes” and works out other stabilizers. also, swells other angles of the muscle, essentially “rounding them out”.

      • Scrimm

        This is good advice.

      • Guacamole Jim

        I can get behind this. Thanks, Meeb & Relom!

    • Scrimm

      Incline work the upper parts of your chest better. Helps a lot asthetically.

    • Paris Hilton

      Inclined hits more upper chest/anterior deltoids! Try dumbbells, was well. Barbell bench may isolate shoulders more with an odd grip, which may explain not feeling it. Good luck bro!

      • Lacertilian

        Any tips for posterior delts?
        Mine are almost non-existent due to using a pec-deck and getting front swole but not back. Can use this as a question for a future post if you like or just help me out here.

  • Scrimm

    I too use almost exclusively dumbells and body weight exercises except for a straight bench press which due to a past injury I use a machine for now (which really sucks but not as bad as dropping a barbell on yourself) This hernia sucks, I’m dying to get back to it, plus I’m getting fat.

  • Dagon

    Paris I was thinking about doing a swellin to the Jammiez on nutrition, nothing too crazy just a basic breakdown of each macronutrients and what foods to avoid. General guidelines better than the misleading shit that’s online.

    Would you tackle it on next editions, though? I think you’d do a way better job than me.

    • need this one!

    • Paris Hilton

      Yes!!! Sports nutrition is my wheelhouse so I’d LOVE to tackle this for ya!

      • Further Down the Metal Hole

        You’re going to tell me to stay away from all the delicious food and I’ll hate you for it but ultimately accept that it’s true and I should just lay off the unhealthy foods to get rid of my belly. *sigh*


        • Paris Hilton

          Well, there’s a twist! It’s not cut and dry as one would think!

  • CyberneticOrganism

    Ha ha ha ha Shia La Douche in his tween girl workout colors

  • Scrimm

    Again, My favorite workout tune. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsDprwsmMSs

    • interesante! am i hearing some Amon Amarth style riffage?

      • Scrimm

        I can kinda see that, never thought of it before. This is the first solo project of the original Naglfar vocalist. One of my favorite albums of all time. Every song is a banger.


    Dis was pretty good paris. I too recommend a lot of dumbbell work, as it can definitely activate support and core muscles, and increase stability. There are times where you need a barbell, though. I can’t do dumbbell skullcrushers anymore because the amount of weight I need makes it super awkward and not very safe. I’ve recently started using some 80lb dumbs for power cleans and it wrektz. This makes me want to finish my swellin’ article.

    • Lacertilian


  • Akerskronks ov Steele

    For maximum swollage, always use Biohazard.

  • I wish I could find the time to exercise so I could get swole. There’s alot of useful info in here. At least my diet is tight but I probably need the activity for better health.

    • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags

      Pretty much the only reason I get exercise is because it’s about a mile to the bus stop, and with grocery shopping, it’s about 4 miles to and from the store to home. Lol, my lazy ass has taken more than enough grocery carts all the way back home.

  • EsusMoose

    #onlytimemynameismentioniswhenIhaveaquestion but Thank you very much! I feel terrible as I just opened a hard cider. At least my schedule is open again so I can do the swoling.

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    being healthy is good and all—but the u.n.infiltrator/beauracrats–plan on forcing people to adhere to ‘health standards”–which are none of their fucking business—using obamacare–as an enforcement/blackmail device–to force people

    they already got shows on discovery channel/tlc—where they got drill seargants yelling at families to meet “outside standards”—also they are starting to show programs—where teachers intimidate students’ parents—in high school conferences

    fuck those motherfuckers—they are all tax payer funded by the people—and they can kiss the ass that feeds them—

    revolution against the u,n, charter worldwide

  • KJU’s Breakdancing Bodybags
  • JamesGrimm

    This is a great one for swellin.

  • Formerly Known As Oli Sykes

    SoaD <3 <3
    Seriously though, that is some great workout music. That would actually get me to exercise if I had that.