Swellin’ to the Jammiez: Numbers on the Board

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Welcome back to Swellin’ to the Jammiez. This is a weekly feature about fitness and the jamz we listen to while working out. Today, I’d like to ask the question: Are you putting numbers on the board?

Numbers are everything. Count reps. Count sets. Count calories (or, uh, ballpark them at least). Most importantly, count your plates. If you’re not working at putting numbers on the board you’re doing it wrong.

What does that even mean? According to Pusha T, it means nothing. It just seemed like a badass thing to say. Pusha T. seems like a cool dude but he obviously doesn’t lift. This is what putting numbers on the board means to me:

Leaderboard

Not pictured: Joe

I’m obsessed with this leaderboard. Those numbers next to the names are the one-rep max at each lift for these folks. How does one reach this level of indomitable heftitude? What did these raging beef-lords (and beef-ladies) do to achieve this vulgar display of swole? Mostly, they eat right and lift heavy stuff over and over. BUT there is a specific method for gaining strength.

Why does this matter? Who even cares if you can throw a Marshall stack across the room, crushing a poser at 100 paces? I will ask you a question: Would CROM want weakness in his army? Grow strong outward and the strength within will follow.

Open up your personal stat sheet. Let’s assume you’re at 8 INT, 9 DEX, and 3 CHR, How is your STR? I’d say I’m at 6 STR (SMOHLG and Paris Hilton are max level). You can determine your level by dividing STR into a four main lifts. You have the Bench Press, the Dead Lift, the Shoulder Press, and the dreaded Squat. Find your baseline strength by calculating your one rep max (how much weight you can lift successfully once at each lift). If you’re just starting out lifting, don’t hurt yourself finding out first-hand. Instead, learn the lift and then plug in your multiple-rep weight into an online calculator. 

So how do we become King Muscle of Beefcake Mountain? The answer is simple: Linear Progression. If you lift a baby calf every morning from birth, can you eventually lift a full-grown cow, right? This is almost and not at all what linear progression is.

The basics are simple: every time you successfully complete a lift, add more weight to the lift next time you hit the gym. Add 5 pounds for upper body lifts (Bench and Shoulder Press) and 10 pounds for the full-body lifts (Dead Lift and Squat). Beginners can add 100+ pounds to their one-rep max within a year. That’s so swole, y’all! You just have to count the numbers out.

Unfortunately, sometimes the progression can be too much. You slept poorly or you were out drinking all night; suddenly you’re weaker than an Oklahoma beer. It happens to the best of us. Simply drop your one-rep max down a few pounds and work back up to it. Remember: Swole is a journey, not a destination. If we keep working hard enough, all of our names and numbers will be on the board.

As always, I have no qualifications in anything. At all. If you’re interested in learning more about linear progression, I suggest you check out a more comprehensive guide than one written by a nerd with a metal blog.

 

What do you think? Do you care about lifting? Why are Oreos so tasty? Is this column worthless to you? Let me know below.

 

(Image Via)

  • Christian Molenaar

    YOU TALKIN’ SHIT ON OKLAHOMA BEER??

    (apologies to Stockhausen)

    • Christian Molenaar

      Why, Disqus…why…

    • OKLAHOMA BEER IS WEAKER THAN OBAMA’S REFUSAL TO CAGE MATCH PUTIN. ROLLLLLL COAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!

      • Stockhausen

        AT LEAST OKLAHOMA BEER IS WATERED DOWN AND TERRIBLE PUT THAT IN YOUR COAL AND ROLL IT THESE COLORS DON’T RUN

        • The Bestest Death
          • Stockhausen

            Haha, that about sums up our big exports. Thank goodness for the craft beer boom.

          • The Bestest Death

            When it comes to humour, Monty Python never lets you down.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      That is the best thing I have ever seen.

    • Stockhausen

      THESE COLORS DON’T RUN, CUZ RUNNIN’S FOR MICHELLE OBAMA AND HER HEALTHY LIBTARD ARMY. BEEEEEEEEEER!!!

  • Sponge Of Mystery

    i love Pusha T

    • Me too. He really makes me want to sell drugs.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKcRsZHz_6E

      • The Bestest Death

        But that’s illegal. What would your mother say?

        • She would probably give me a very stern talking to 🙁

          • The Bestest Death

            Do you want it?

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            here is a good credo i just found.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        I am sure all lifters experience this, but once a week if i am lucky i have a day of lifting to beat all days, total adrenaline rush , i just want to go and start a fight for no reason after i am finished, punch a hole thru the wall. Then i go in the next day (or wait a day between ) and my energy level is just at zero. You have any tips how to beat this.

        • I wish I did. Some days I kill it and some days it kills me. The only thing that helps me a little bit is a cup of coffee.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            A person is always looking for a magic formula (drug free of course) to keep one constantly energized about lifting. I guess it’s just a pipe dream. A person has to keep pushing the grinding wheel like conan did. hahahhhaahh

        • NDNOvHell

          I have no recall of an experience like this.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            It’s a natural high, kind of an explosion of strength, just keep piling on the weight & it all becomes so easy. I wish i could bottle the feeling, makes a person feel like they could conquer the world. It’s kind of my credo – A true champion doesn’t try to win, they know they will win..

            I guess the old yoda cliche there is only doing no trying rings true after all.

          • NDNOvHell

            Ahh, I see what you’re saying.

      • Lacertilian

        wow, that’s one of the weakest Kendrick spots I’ve heard.

        I like the intensity here:

        http://youtu.be/wpW5dDJzBas?t=5m54s

    • Renan Ribeiro

      My first (and for now, only) tattoo is “No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper”. It’s by Pusha T and it’s not even in a song, it was a freestyle lol

      • W.

        Pretty sure that’s from the Bible, yo.

        • Renan Ribeiro

          Yes, it is. I got it, however, as a sort of homage to my mom. She is a devout of Saint George and his prayer mentions protection from weapons, emprisonment, etc, so I decided to use the sentence as heard in the freestyle.

          • W.

            I dig it, dude!

        • Renan Ribeiro
      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        i like that phrase man, inspiring, put up a pic.

  • Nails…because I don’t have a hard enough time getting puss these days 😉

    • Are you a fan JAG?

      • Not especially. I kinda have my limit when it comes to extreme. I can do some occasional Napalm Death or Cattle Decap though.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        If you mean JAG fan yes…………i know you don’t but gives me a legit exscuse

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    That guy’s muscles are terrifying. There is no way that those are normal, non steroided arms. They’re so cartoonish it makes Steiner’s arms look like twigs and Scott’s bicep is bigger than my arm.

    • I’m gonna guess and say it’s photoshopped

      • It’s synthol – a disgusting oil morons inject into their bodies with awful results. Google it for really gross pics!

        • Really? shit…I didn’t know muscles could grow down like that…

          • That’s fucked up.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I think that Steiner would tell these people to take it down a notch because they’re taking it a bit too far and he’s a known user of steroids. He wouldn’t mind me saying that though because we’re friends. He admitted that he did use steroids on the plane to Vegas. Also, that guy’s arm is thicker than my head.

          • The Bestest Death

            Why would anyone do that? How stupid are they?

          • The Bestest Death

            So it shall be

          • This is probably my favorite picture on the internet.

          • The Bestest Death

            Synthol is love, synthol is life.

          • Bob Nühart

            Oh Suroor, you have captured my heart (and subsequently dropped it since you apparently cannot clasp your hands in front of yourself).

          • Scrimm

            That’s one of the dumbest looking guys I’ve ever seen in my life.

          • Stockhausen

            LEG DAY IS FOR LIBTARDS ALSO SO IS MODERATION ALSO

          • The Bestest Death

            What you got againt libetards, friendo?

          • Stockhausen

            Nothing, Mr. Bardem. No one to kill here, nope.

          • The Bestest Death

            Good. Now you let those libetards be. They are busy with smoking weed and protesting without making any change (I don’t want people to think that I’m a conservative. Plz don’t hate me libetards).

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            i have never touched any of the steroid shit but what happens if you stop using it and stop working out ? Imagine it would be bad, seems like you have knowledge of this stuff. Not saying you have used it.

          • The stuff in the pictures is just a straight filler substance injected into the muscle. It doesn’t make them any stronger. If anything, it makes them far, far weaker (and more likely to develop an awful infection).

            I’ve never done any hormones or steroids but I have heard that when dudes stop using and stop working out, they kinda just go to shit.

          • IronLawnmower

            mmmmm. Dem gains.

          • The Bestest Death

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            this is actually remotely cool looking. Very remotely but it has a glimmer of promise.

          • RuIN?

            That is disturbing. For real.

    • IronLawnmower

      You can be like him too. All you need to do is eat nothing but spinach.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        I never want to be like these synthol people. They scare me. That guy at the top of the page’s arms look like Popeye on steroids. I don’t want to look at it.

        • IronLawnmower

          YOU TOO CAN BE MORBIDLY SWOLE.

          • Holy shit that’s an awesome term.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I never want to be that big. It would scare people. Birds would surf away from me. If I used that bird would not be the word, terror would be.

  • IronLawnmower

    Sodom are ultimate exercise band.

    The fest was incredible. Standing about in a field behind a pub listening to various styles of metal. Black Metal really works when the lead singer looks like he legitmatly worships evil and the winds are blowing heralding doom. Also moshing to fucking brutal death metal from 10 to like 1 in the morning is an intense experience. I can post links to all the bands I saw if theres demand.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I love Sodom. I admit, they are great for exercise.

      • IronLawnmower

        FREE FIAH SONG WITH MEIN M-16

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          Does the m16 have your final bullet in it or do you have other bullets?

          • IronLawnmower

            They say theres a bullet out there with your name on it. So I’m carving my name into this one so nobody will shoot me.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            But that won’t work because the Agent Orange I was subjected to in Vietnam made me immortal. It was experimental and they subjected my whole unit to it and we cannot die because of it. All joking aside the final bullet reference was from the first song off the 2013 album. I love their cover of Surfin Bird as well.

          • IronLawnmower

            A BABABABBABABAB BIRD BIRD BRD BIRD IS THE WORD. I’m a big fan of their early blackend stuff (I’m a black/speed black/thrash junkie) and thier middle stuff. and their late stuff. I’m a big sodom fan. I covered them on my school talent show.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Agent Orange was a great album. I did a cover of the title track with a band I used to be the lead singer for. We did a great cover of it live when we opened for Dragonforce at the venue near me on their Ultra Beatdown tour in 2009. I haven’t seen those guys in 4 years as I quit the band when I got with my ex. I want to start another band.

          • IronLawnmower

            Being in a band is great. (Source:In a band) I just released a one man recording with patchwork guitars I plan to show the rest of the band https://soundcloud.com/djalex1s/first-strike

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I’m trying to get my band going. It’s called Mr. In Your House 4 and it sounds like Duran Duran and Depeche Mode but with themes and lyrics from extreme metal. I could really see it going somewhere because it’s different and original. I call the genre extreme pop.

          • IronLawnmower

            That sounds hilarious. If you send me your first demo I’ll make my bands demo free to all flushers.

  • Gorgasm

    I’ve been watching more beheading videos.

    Glad to see someone else out there listens to Xibalba to get that pump. They just did a split with Suburban Scum not too long ago.

    First track off that beast of a split
    http://youtu.be/e-VZ4R0Nfok

    • The Bestest Death

      Have you seen the Robert Budd Dwyer suicide video?

      • Gorgasm

        Yup.

        Pretty crazy stuff.

        • The Bestest Death

          Do you watch a lot of gory videos? Your name implies that.

          • Gorgasm

            In my youth I did, but now, not as much. So many many drunken nights in the university dorms with nothing but a laptop.

            But now, it’s just the occasional ISIS beheading that Anonymous will post.

          • You guys are weird.

          • The Bestest Death

            Yes…… I blame the deep web. It shall be my scapegoat.

          • The Bestest Death

            I haven’t watched those yet. Maybe I should check them out.

          • Gorgasm

            I tell people i watch that shit for educational purposes.

          • The Bestest Death

            I have been following that conflict, but maybe the Ukraine and Gaza have gotten more attention from me. Especially Ukraine, because Russia is right next to my country.

          • Gorgasm

            Understandable, there are far too many human conflicts going on and many more that we never hear of.

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            I am just a straight up italian horror (argento , fulci, deodato , ruggero, martino) & early 80’s slashers, 70’s grindhouse expoitation fan myself. Some of those naziploitation films are pretty rough, i cant believe they played in theatres and drive ins. Of course we are talking NYC 42nd late 70’s early 80’s days before the city was sanitized (unfortunately ) I am too young to have seen it in all its glory but i read books and can see how grungy the city was at that time by watching the movies.

          • Bob Nühart

            Back in my day, you had to go to the shittiest video store in town, rent Faces of Death, then spend hours arguing over whether or not it was real.

            That was about as close as you could get to today’s grody internet.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            Damn Faces of Death. I saw that once and I never want to see it again. I know it’s fake but I didn’t sleep for days after I saw it. It made me unable to close my eyes and sleep for 5 days. By day 5 I was lacking sleep so badly I was hallucinating things I never want to see again.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        I saw that. I will never speak of it because that was the video that made me seek therapy. I used to watch all that gory stuff but it came to haunt me and gave me night terrors which stopped last year after starting when I was 17.

        • IronLawnmower

          Really? I saw it and it didn’t affect me at all. Does that make me a sociopath?

          • The Bestest Death

            I did nothing to me either.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I watched that stuff but it really scarred me. I’m usually pretty brave with thrill rides and horror movies and such but that crossed a line with me that I never want to cross again especially since I’m married now as Death knows. That shit usually affects me.

          • But you did something to me 😉

          • The Bestest Death

            What did I do to you, bae?

          • Mother Shabubu III

            Lack of empathy tends to be associated with sociopaths…so yes.

        • The Bestest Death

          It’s weird how that video did nothing to me. Maybe because it was after that one place here in the internet.

  • Bob Nühart

    I put numbers on a board once and some guy was all like HEY GET THOSE NUMBERS OFFA MAH BOARD so I had to book it.

  • Cock of Steele

    I got Omnipresent yesterday, the swell Gods shall be pleased.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I said the phrase Shucky Ducky Quack Quack and I became immortal as well as Torrie. We cannot age anymore because Randy Savage himself came down from Heaven to give us immortality and the stopping of age. He also gave me a copy of his rap album that he signed. Thank you for saying that phrase Booker because now me and Torrie are immortal and cannot age.

  • W.

    I work out my brain so I can throw that Marshall amp with my mind-muscle. Checkmate, swollitos.

    • With the definitely true science of neuroplasticity?

      • W.

        I’m Crom-tier now because of Nintendo Brain Age.

    • The Bestest Death

      Has it worked yet? I can throw small rocks already.

      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        Did you know that even though I hate Stephanie’s character in the WWE that I am friends with Triple H and of course Steph? I am also a close friend of the wrestler who played the spoof of Goldberg in the WWF named Gillberg. I also know Goldberg who hated the filming of Universal Soldier: The Return.

      • W.

        I’m basically at this level: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJLM3tK0dgk

        • The Bestest Death

          One day I wish to reach this level.
          https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YI3NoBeNwfk

          • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

            probably the best old school head explosion ever done.The CGI of today couldn’t do this better. Plus the canadian connection, director david cronenburg and canucks michael ironside & louis del grande. This movie is beyond fucking awesome.

          • crazytaco_12

            Don’t know about dat dog, what about the scene in “The Beyond” where the little girl gets shot in the head? Pretty brootalz

    • Cock of Steele

      You’d be a WMD ( W of mass destruction)

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        the conan workout.
        Conan ending war machine in a REAL man’s cage match !

        • Scrimm

          This should happen to war machine.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I believe that someone should cut his dick off with a dull butter knife, cut his arms and legs off with a dull machete and cut his head off with a dull katana. After all the chopping of limbs is done, I would blast his body and his decapitated head into a blood puddle. What would be left of him after this is all done would be nothing but blood.

  • Evan Clutson

    Impaled always gets me going at the gym

  • Renan Ribeiro

    A$AP Ferg’s album Trap Lord is great for lifting. Hey Joe, I finally got that playlist done, I should be sending my draft to you later today.

  • Scrimm

    My Marshall head is light as hell, I probable could throw that thing pretty damn far. My new Blackstar? Heavy as shit, no way. Either way, I really need to start lifting again. I was doing really good but helping take care of a terminal family member is draining and after I stopped training Jiu Jitsu lifting soon fell by the wayside as well. I’m probably the only one who thinks so, but I fucking hate Oreos.

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      How can you hate Oreos? Where is your soul? I mean do you hate chicken fries and Cinnabon too? No one can hate Cinnabon, the most American fattening food and proof that bigger is indeed better! I don’t want to know about if you hate Taco Bell and KFC because if you do that proves without a doubt that you have no soul.

      • Scrimm

        As an evil dimension hopping mortician I have no need of this “soul” you speak of. Maybe that has something to do with my hatred of Oreos. To me they taste like dog shit wrapped in scabby band aids. Never had chicken fries, Haven’t had a Cinnabon in probably 15 years. TB and KFC are ok, though I’m not much a fan of eating off the bone.

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          Cinnabon is the thing for humans. Me and Torrie got one before SummerSlam and they are good as always.

          • Scrimm

            I’d rather eat one of these.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            That’s a giant crab. I hate crab because of these crab legs I had at a Chinese buffet. I do like the half crabs they have though because I am amazed that they could cut a crab in half.

          • Scrimm

            Never eat crab at a Chinese buffet.

          • Kevin Nash and Friends

            I laughed when I saw this. I would say more about buffets, but I have to check out of the hotel I am in, get me and Torrie’s stuff to Triple H’s jet and then we’re going to Universal Studios in Hollywood. Trips said the jet would take us anywhere we wanted to go for our honeymoon so we picked Italy. We’re going to be in Italy from tomorrow until Friday and then the jet will get us back to the airfield where he parked the car he gave us as a wedding gift. Is there any way that my life can get better? I don’t believe that there is any way my life could get better.

  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    For the alcohol lovers here, this article is about the worst cheap beers. I’m ashamed to admit that three of my favorite beers are on this list, the beers being Milwaukee’s Best, Red Dog and Icehouse. I also like King Cobra which is malt liquor but is not on this list.

    http://www.collegehappenings.com/college/25-cheap-beers-to-avoid-at-all-costs/

  • CÖÄL RÖLL FRÖM THE TÖILET BÖWL

    #SMOHLGSWOLE

    • Kevin Nash and Friends

      I told Torrie about the phrase swoll. She didn’t get what the hoopla about it was. At least she likes the music of Toto because Toto is so underrated. They should have become the biggest band on Earth and sold out the largest venues on earth but alas the only one that made any money was Toto IV.

      • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

        But winning a shit load of grammy’s was a pretty good consolation prize. That stays on the books forever. No small accomplishment there. And what was it , 1 or 2 number one songs and a number one album ?

        • Kevin Nash and Friends

          The only Grammy they won that I know of was Album of the Year for Toto IV. They might have won more, but if they did I wouldn’t know.

  • NefariousDude
  • Kevin Nash and Friends

    Me and Torrie were reading an article on Cracked about horrifying children’s cartoons and this one came up. We watched it and we’re both scared shitless of what we just witnessed. What in the hell did we just watch? What the hell was this and who thought it up? Here’s a link, but I must warn you may not like what you see.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b8isnhYMjg

    • Howard Dean
      • Kevin Nash and Friends

        I’m not a big grammar guy but it does make sense what you are saying.

        • Howard Dean

          I’m actually not a grammar Nazi, either. I just really wanted to use that picture.

  • Mr. Bojangles

    Maow

  • Tyree

    The Holy Mountain rips hard.

  • Guppusmaximus

    Wow… No Synthol comments?! That guy looks fucking retarded…

    • *psst* scolll down.

      • Guppusmaximus

        LOL…I did but I forgot this article was from like a month ago. Still, all the comments should be like Synthol = Mega Fail!! *smirk*