Swellin’ to the Jammiez: HIIT ’em Up

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Jogging is terrible. It’s boring and it makes you look stupid. Unfortunately, human hearts require aerobic exercise to delay inevitable stoppage. I don’t want to collapse in a cold heap at the ripe old age of 35 so cardio work is necessary. But still, jogging. Ugh.

Rather than wasting an hour of my day jogging at a sensible heart rate, why not  just go balls out for a few minutes and get that shit over with? That’s pretty much the methodology behind HIIT: High Intensity Interval Training.

Believe it or not, I’m not a medical professional or a trainer or qualified in anything in any real way. So maybe read a guide or talk to a doctor or something. Anyway, here’s my dummy-stupid method for HIIT:

  • Jog for 5 minutes to warm up.
  • Sprint your balls off for 30-seconds, then walk for 30-seconds.
  • Do that sprint/walk thing a total of 13 times.

Including my 5-minute warm-up, the entire workout lasts around 18-and-a-half minutes. As much as the workout sucks, that’s a damn good misery-to-time ratio.

Rather than fucking around with a treadmill like a nerd, I prefer to do my sprinting outside. Instead of trying to keep track of the time in my head, I set up a HIIT playlist that will dictate my workout for me. Here’s how you do it:

  1. Create a playlist in iTunes,
  2. Add 13 tracks that pump you up and 13 tracks that chill you out. Alternate those tunes.
  3. Right-click on a tune, click “Get Info”,
  4. Click the “Options” tab,
  5. Change the start and stop time of the song to the 30 most kick ass seconds of the tune.
  6. Click OK.

It’s that simple. Here’s what a portion of my HIIT playlist looks like.

***EDIT: I removed a bunch of stuff because the page was becoming unstable.

5-Minute Warm Up

I’ve got 5 minutes to just kinda dick around getting my heart rate up. I like to use this time to unwind and look and dogs and people and stuff in the neighborhood.

First Sprint

Here’s where I start running really fast. Rather than jumping straight into it with blastbeats, I like to set the tone with an upbeat tune about determination or something. Remember: each sprint song is just 30 seconds of a song that pumps you up the most.

First Rest

That wasn’t so bad! I can totally do this. No sweat.

Fast forward to…

7th Sprint

I am become negativity. 00:28-00:58 is what I am jamming now.

7th Rest

I’m sucking air. I need to quickly recover and feel like a champ. Thus, Robyn:

8th Sprint

8th Rest

10th Sprint

I like to play this one twice in a row.

10th Rest

In these later stages of the workout, I’m struggling to keep myself from doubling over in agony during the rest periods. To keep your head up, it’s important to listen to things that make you feel like Superman.

12th Sprint

The first 30 seconds of this song should be enough to carry anyone over the hump.

Last Rest!

LAST Sprint!

The last sprint is the toughest. I need something that pushes me over the edge. At 3:30 in this track I go completely nuts. Lyrics typically don’t do much for me but the phrase “What say you and all your friends meet all of my friends in the alley tonight” makes me to beat 50 shades of shit out of everyone and all of their friends.

Walk Home and Try Not to Puke

Have a good one, folks. Try not to puke today.

 

  • B00mhauer

    Dang ol’ Black Breath talkin ’bout Swedeath riff badassery tellyawhat. Gotta dang ol’ hernia man can’t run this week man. Yo.

    • Scrimm

      I got a hernia too. Fucking sucks, I actually enjoy running.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    Does playing drums count as exercise?

    • I think so? I can’t do it. It looks hard.

    • Fred Wurst

      If playing drums is exercise, then why is Gene Hoglan so fat?
      Checkmate, atheists.

      • Fred’s here!

        • Fred Wurst

          Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.

      • Metaphysical Anus

        U wot m8?

      • Mother Shabubu III

        Did you know Ricky Gervais is atheist?

        • Metaphysical Anus

          I know.

      • Mr.CustodialArts

        It’s all in the kankles.

      • KJM

        He’s actually lost a bit of weight recently.

  • Drilldo Pillow

    I thought this post was a huge joke because I guess it loaded wrong…not that there’s anything wrong with old Stevzie.

  • Metaphysical Anus

    I like to listen to Neu!’s Hallogallo when jogging

  • KJM

    Walking and bicycling for me.

    • The Satan ov Hell

      I walk for hours on end myself.

      • KJM

        I lost quite a bit of weight 5 years ago just from brisk walking.

        • The Satan ov Hell

          I think people forget about how much just a few good walks can do.

        • The Satan ov Hell

          I think people forget about how much just a few good walks can do.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    have to put up this shill axl did for ace again. This knocked me out last night and i woke up early today thinking about it, hahahhahah. Does anyone know if axl gets paid for this blurb. I have to say in all my days of blurbs this is the shittiest. This is like having blake judd do a blurb for your t shirt company !

    • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

      ….

      • Jointsalot

        That can’t be a quote from Axl. Where are all the spelling mistakes?

  • actiondonkey

    I’m all about getting in a good 5-10k while listening to the Amon Amarth channel on Pandora but cool down music? During a workout? Not for me…

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    either vince or leyla ford is on my back on FAILURES FOR BLOGS.
    get this, this is what i was called ver-batim :

    Perv and a name dropper. And a spammer.

    this is what i wrote that set her off, i am pretty sure it’s a woman because they usually say perv more than men do.

    “leyla ford – i love you – where have you been all my life – why are you hanging around with these failures for blogs losers ?
    Are you busy this weekend ? I am friends with BLOTZ, and he throws the best parties.”

    This is in the ratt post from friday.
    Now of course the funniest fucking thing is the name dropper comment. She thought i actually know bobby blotzer ! hahhahhahah. Second funniest – spammer – that’s bullshit, i never spammed that site, i brought in a goddamn lot of fucking traffic with my shit before they axed embedding.
    I’m a perv – that’s the only thing you got right lady.
    Maybe what i said is misconstrued but i liked the ratt article, i like ratt, and i don’t think i said anything out of line, it was obviously a joke.

    Isn’t she vince’s girlfriend ? ahhahahhahahahhahha, the whole thing is fucking hiliarious. Between the axl blurb for ace’s latest bomb & this i am having a hell of a good weekend.

  • CONAN THE MOTHERFUCKING KING

    something i like to call : Bad, bad, movies with aweome movie posters. Satan’s Blade. The movie is as awful as the poster is bad ass, so yes, i recommend you NOT see this with extreme prejudice. There’s a few boobs on display, but the girls are all plain janes, so if CONAN isn’t turned on, you know you won’t be. Avoid like the plague. But goddamn, that’s a fine looking poster.

  • Scrimm

    I don’t need a playlist, I can just workout to this album on repeat. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UsDprwsmMSs

  • Mr.CustodialArts

    *eatingcookiesatworkwhilewatchingSteveWinwoodvideos*

  • Lacertilian

    Step 1: Fuck iTunes

    • I’m with you. This is the only thing I use iTunes for nowadays.

  • The Satan ov Hell

    This LP works nicely for all things if you ask me… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrEr8sPw2J0

  • Onemig Buboy

    Will do dis!!!

  • Owlswald

    I’m training for my first marathon and nothing gets me more pumped for my long distance runs then the latest Circles record. But this morning I had to do a brutal 7 miler with .25 mile high intensity intervals . The only thing that could help me take the pain was Fallujah.

  • I have aides

    I came here by accident from MS. The fact that this post is even a thing makes this my new favorite blog