Sweater Stains: Merry Fishmas

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Fishmas, everywhere you go.

This “Ugly Sweater” trend needs to die. Right now. It stopped being funny approximately two seconds after it became a “thing,” and yet it’s somehow managed to stick around a few years. Nothing says “fun” like being forced to go to a work party with people you don’t like wearing something that’s both itchy and violates the Geneva Conventions. But thanks to some entrepreneurial metalheads, now you can show Diane in Accounts Receivable your br00tal side.

Yes, I know these are “supposed” to be ugly, but these go above and beyond, offending all senses and possibly some new ones previously undiscovered.

Slayer – Taste Hates Us All

slayersweaterstans

I have to believe that Kerry King personally designed this sweater. There’s no other explanation for how something so hilariously hideous could have been made. Plus, it’s funnier to think of a bespectacled King, hunched over an artist’s easel sketching out this design with notes like “Not enough pentagrams!” or “Oops! Forgot to put band name on it!” and shouting, “Tom, honey? Can you bring me some more hot cocoa? The Peppermint kind! Thanks, sweetie!”

I can’t decide which is worse: the potpourri of inverted pentagrams or the world’s happiest skulls. Those skulls couldn’t be happier to be on this thing. Miss America contestants don’t have smiles that big. ‘Deal Or No Deal’ models think they’re overdoing it.

It’s hard to ignore the weird color pattern on this long-sleeved Kick Me sign. I can’t decide if this is a black sweater or a red sweater. Why are the sleeves a different color? It makes the sweater look like a sweater vest and the thought of Slayer fans wearing sweater vests may be the greatest Christmas gift of all.

Continents – Why? I mean…just…why?

continentssweaterstains

The title really says it all. Why would you put this on your merch? Is it supposed to be funny? Shocking? Where are you supposed to wear this? Definitely not to work if you want to keep your job. Not on a date if you ever want to have someone other than a physician touch you for the rest of your life. I was actually all set to induct this Attila sweater, but this band managed to out-Attilla Attilla. Mostly. I mean that thing is just as terrible. And part of a weird and baffling trend that I don’t want to explore.

Normally, I would make some sort of joke about Continents’ music, but I’ve never heard of them before. I could make a clever pun using one of their song titles, but I couldn’t name a single one. I actually had to double check to make sure they were actually a band and not a new fetish club in the bad part of town.

The second biggest problem with this sweater? It’s not even a sweater. It’s a sweatshirt.

Chelsea Grin – I hate Mom and Dad, but I love Christmas

chelseagrinsweaterstains

Got angst, but still want to get into the Christmas spirit? Well Chelsea Grin have a sweatshirt for you. The band that isn’t Asking Alexandria want to make sure you embody the true meaning of the holiday season with this festive sweatshirt. Let mom and dad know just how you feel about that iPad they got you when you clearly asked for an iPad Air 2 W-Fi + 16GB. Gawd, you’re so stupid and the worst parents ever and you don’t understand me!

Please note: Shirt can only be sold to people aged 18 and under. Must have at least two regrettable piercings. One bad tattoo may be substituted for piercings. Must refer to yourself as “Molly Mayhem,” “Stevil,” “Andy Armageddon,” “Jennacide,” or something equivalent.

Hurry, supplies are limited. This offer won’t last. Restrictions may apply. Sorry no CODs.

Metallica – Oh jeez…I think I’m going to puke

metallicasweaterstans

Looking at these two, uh, things, legitimately makes me nauseous. I think it might also be giving me vertigo. If you stare at them too long, a part of your brain shuts off and you can only speak in Hetfield-eque “Yeeaaahhehoooohhs.” Magic Eyes give me less of a headache than these things. Police are legally allowed to beat you in custody if you’re arrested while wearing this.

I’m not sure if these are technically sweatshirts or just long-sleeved shirts, but it doesn’t really matter. They are both an affront to all that is good and decent in this world. Metallica, I award you no points and my God have mercy on your soul.

Five Finger Death Punch – Yes, I saved the best for last

ffdpsweaterstains

Broseph: Bro!
Broski:Bro!

Broseph: Check out my totes sweet FFDP sweater.
Broski: Dude, that’s awesome. It goes with your coal rolling Ford F-150.

Broseph: I know! Gunna look so fly one my date tonight with Amy.
Broski: Is she the one with the blonde hair and the tattoos of her sons’ names on her wrists?

Broseph: No, that’s Amy B.
Broski: Oh, my bad. Is she the one that always wears a g-string and works at Spencer’s?

Broseph: No, that’s Amy G.
Broski: Is she the redhead that gave you a handy at Mayhem Fest during Avenged Sevenfold?

Broseph: Yeah, that’s the one!
Broski: Niiiiiice. *Fist bump* So where are you taking her?
Broseph: Buffalo Wild Wings.
Broski: You going to get the Tablegating Sampler?
Broseph: We’ll see how the night goes, if you know what I mean.
Broski: Aw, yeah. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always come back to my place and we can wrestle naked.
Broseph: Totally.

(Photo VIA)

  • Merry Christmas from Lazer/Wulf

  • Metaphysical Anus

    I saw a cute cat today. ‘Tis a good day.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

    “Stevil”, “Jennacide” Lost it.

  • MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!

    ~Love~

    George Lynch™

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      MERRY MURMAIDERMAS!!!!!!!!

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Merry Christmas GL! I named my new pet dwarf frogs Mr and Mrs. Scary after your great song Mr. Scary.

  • FeelTheDarkness

    I hate sweaters!

  • DeadButtDreaming

    Unless Ford suddenly introduced diesel engines to their F150s, you can’t roll coal in one of their halfton trucks.

    Poser.

  • And I saved my best and most horrifying GIF find of the year for last! Merry post-XXXMas!

    http://i.imgur.com/bCz1IBM.gif

    • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

      TWO pairs of breasts!

      • I can’t tell if those are pecks above the boobs or not!

        • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

          the sad part is those disgusting boobs fuck up a rather decent musculature (steroids) for a woman.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Nevertheless – oh glorious half-giant, with no actual beard, but a redeeming, gargantuan mustache – I would do this.

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            Let me know how it goes.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            If I survive

        • EsusMoose

          The worst part is that smile near the end, horrifying indeed

    • Renan Ribeiro

      Those are the sickest breast implants I’ve ever seen. And I mean sick in a horrible way. This shit makes me feel worse than listening to Portal while being buried alive in a desert.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Fuck, is that horrifying.

      • Tyree

        Fucking sums that up. FUCK!

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      “Hey baby ya wanna go do-DAOUW!!” (get’s beat up by angry boobies)

    • Guest

      D:

    • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage
    • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

      D: D:

      • Gluteus_Maximus_Rage

        Jesus, what’s the go with posting a .gif in Disqus? How do magnets work?

  • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

    You wanna see the dopest Xmas gift?

    • sure!

      • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

        Might be a little big

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          You got ripped the fuck off.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

            You’re a sad sack of shit.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Nope, not really. I just hate Deafpoopy.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

          Is that some kind of a special version?

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

            pink/clear yellow LP. Its very attractive on the rack.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I can see that. Is it a limited edition thing? I only have it on cd.

          • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

            I imagine the colors are a limited pressing.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Coloured vinyl >>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            Agreed. The copy of Melting Sun we got my buddy was solid yellow. They ran out of white ones for You Whom I Have Always Hated so I got the clear =/

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I’ve got a nice blue Zeit, green Watershed and orange Relationship of Command.

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            sexyyy

        • George Clarke

          oh hey nice I like that pink one, what’s it called again?

          bunsaver, right?

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            its actually Buttslaver

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          Yay, Sunbather! I love Deafheaven!

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      Dopest, eh? I think KJM may enjoy this.

  • Renan Ribeiro

    I actually think the Attila sweater is worse than the Continents one.

  • ironlawnmower

    I have a slayer one (not the one in the article its one with the eagle on it.) No ragrets. -IronLawnmower (can’t login to disqus on mobile for whatever godless reason)

  • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

    I hope I can win the MS caption contest:)

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      Good luck to you mate.

      • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

        I have some stuff competition!

        • BLVKKBEVRD OV KRVMPVS DVWKINS

          Another reason why FFB is garbage is they never used my hilarious and/or racist ones.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Shouldn’t you be Whitebeard?

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            I got somethin’ for you

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            What is it?

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            i’ll find a better avatar tomorrow or something

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Gosh dang you!

          • Æ (Justin Nowlin)

            Honestly mine wasn’t that funny. However, my comeback to a shit talker was pretty A1

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      I don’t try those contests anymore because I’m not there often. On the other hand here’s a good joke: Why was the 80’s output of the Rolling Stones so bad? It was done as Dirty Work due to a lost bet!

  • Howard Dean

    i.imgur.com/auXxd.png

  • Janitor Jim Dvggan

    I’m happy. I won a poster from Trapt.

    • LOL

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      I had to google this band. After hearing a song I started vomiting violently. Why Jim, why?

      • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

        Because: Jim

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

          This.

    • I can’t, are…are you serious?

      • Scrimm

        Now he has extra asswipe.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          I’m not using it as an asswipe because it also includes a backstage pass.

          • Scrimm

            I would use that as asswipe too.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Of course he is.

    • Howard Dean

      HEADSTRONG TO TAKE ON ANYONE

  • nice sweater, @disqus_V2MSSFfUOy:disqus!

  • Howard Dean

    Dying Fetus put this one out during Christmas ’13. Like several of the ones in this article, it’s actually just a shitty screen-print on a cheap hoodless pullover sweatshirt. Lame.

    https://s3.amazonaws.com/mno.products/23224/4473f7817a.jpg

  • Simon PhoenixKing

    Ugh. The Attila one is much worse though. Nothing says “edgy” like a phrase that makes no sense to go along with reindeer porking.

    • There will be an all-Attila post at some point. I gave them a pass on this one because that phrase is their “saying”. It appears on other stuff, so I’m kind of immune to it. That and 3 reindeer boning is worse than just 2.

  • I’d wear the Metallica sweater on the right. So charmingly groce.

  • What is the deal with all of these fucking reindeer fucking?

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      I’m okay with the reindeer sex, because that means more reindeer meat.

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      Cus it’s totes hxc

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Procreating is such bullshit.

    • I think Adam Sandler hijacked their sweaters.

      • Janitor Jim Dvggan

        Maybe he did.

  • Swedish Chef

    Hmmmmmm Oi thernk oov goot’a soom idears fer reirndeer stewr.

  • Mother Shabubu III

    I hope people who wear these were visited by Krampus.

  • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus
    • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus
      • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

        This is not a competition, you silly bitch.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

          Life is a competition, but then again, what would Death understand of such things.

          Also: Thanks for DiJ reminder, off to buy the album.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            From where are you going to buy it?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Äx, well they don’t have it, so I’m going to see if they can order it for me from someplace far away that has it, you know they do that.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Have fun waiting. I ordered one Wovenhand album and got it over a month later. They still haven’t sent my merzbow album, even though it was supposed to be released on 5.12 (it was delayed to 19.12 and they still don’t have it. Welp, at least I got some Sol Invictus albums ordered)

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Sometimes they go sloooooooow, but on a few occasions they have proven fast. I recently acquired a Philip Glass album – one I had to order through them from elsewhere, like this – in about a week.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            That has never happened to me dammit!

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Feeling repressed?

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I feel dimmadarn repressed!

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            It’s the violence inherent in our system. It feels good to be preferred by a moistened bint

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I’m going to go hide behind your mailbox and wait for the album to arrive. When it does and you come get it, I’ll attack.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            I go to the shop to get it, no extra postal fees.
            #GetRekt

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Shit. I’ll just wait near your house and when you come home, I’ll attack.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Fcku, I shouldn’t have said that…

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Fucking dicks me that there’s no äx in my hometown, and the nearest one never has good shit. It seems like Kallio’s äx has the best stuff for me.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            *Has three or four Äx’s nearby, including Kallio’s*

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Vitun snadilainen paska. I have a great record store here (I’m known there because I go there a lot), but they never have neofolk. I managed to get Thunder Perfect Mind from Ariman.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Am still no stadilainen nor am I very snadi. No one at Äx(‘s) seems ti recall me. But in two nearby libraries I get books begore they are officially put ti the shelves. Though I mostly borrow music.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I take it you haven’t watched Äkkiä Anttolassa

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Why would you think that?

            spOiler: I haven’t

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus
          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            Oh god, I need this

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            It’s great and underrated as fuck. I hope you watched the end, because it’s thebest part of this.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            It’s not that far yet. I’m getring there.

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            get a room, you two.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            We ain’t got money

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            less money, mo prollems

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            “Mitenkäs teiän matkalippu, jukeboksi?”
            Lol

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            The song is fucking good. You can probably find a dvd of the whole show for cheap. I’ve got one and it’s one of my favourite shows.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Krampus

            I’ll see to it. Such brilliance.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I managed to find a good DiJ album from Cdon and ordered it.

  • tertius_decimus

    Glad there’s no Christmas greetings but a rant instead. I love rants.

  • WHYTEBEVRD
    • WHYTEBEVRD
    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      I liek this better than tha other one.

      • WHYTEBEVRD

        just found ’em rummaging around new stuff. not the greatest stuff i’ve ever heard

  • JWG

    I have dodged the Ugly Christmas Party Sweater (Party) menace for another year.

    On a side note: it’s my Birthday today. In lieu of gifts I would ask that you consider donating time or dollars to your own State/Province or National association for Hydrocephalus (and/or Spina Bifida) research and support.

    http://ifglobal.org/en/who-we-are/members

    • JWG

      Poor editing on my part aside (twice the Party!), I am inordinately pleased that this got Featured. You guys rule. All of you.

      If you’re ever in this specific part of the PNW let me know. The [alcoholic beverage of your choice] is on me.

    • WHYTEBEVRD

      I haven’t even gotten my first paycheck from my new job yet. If I had, I could probably be assuaged into donating. For now, all I can do is say, “happy birthday!”

  • Guess what else I got for Christmas?

    http://media3.giphy.com/media/12PKCdumlf6qoE/200_s.gif

    Or whatever this fucking monstrocity is.

    • KJM

      I almost never get sick so when I do it sucks twice as hard.

    • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

      I get that shit every winter. It’s far better than the pollen allergies I’ll get when fucking shitty ass spring comes.

      • I’m used to the pollen sinuses, but this one I think I got from my roomy, and it had him floored for a few days.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

          I would be glad if I had a normal level of pollen allergy, but of fucking course it’s extremely high.

          • Dayum, that’s gotta fucking suck! I should be better by tomorrow, but in the meantime I’m eating/drinking enough vitamin C to kill a small army, and practically all the tea in China.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            I suffered through it a week ago. Get well, o great leader.

  • KJM
  • F150 is not manufactured with a diesel motor, therefor cannot roll coal, poser.

  • WHYTEBEVRD

    Perhaps you had A Very Ghetto Christmas?
    http://youtu.be/_5-Kicg5J70

  • And can’t forget this Academy Award/Oscar/Nobel Peace Prize winning Xmas classic!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmPgWz85Us0

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRzIaA_mPGk

    • Damn. I watched this just the other night actually. It wasn’t that bad! (I watched the Star Wars Holiday Special right before it).

      • I’m yet to watch the whole film, actually. I’m saving up my attention span for the DVD of ‘Intercessor: Another Rock N Roll Nightmare’ I ordered.

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan

      Fuck this movie. I hate it more than the Rolling Stones albums from 1980 onward.

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan

          That’s worse. I will not watch this video as it makes Dirty Work by The Rolling Stones look like Beggar’s Banquet.

          • WHYTEBEVRD

            60s reference, 60s reference …. 180 = 60s reference.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            Jim = a man of 60s music and nu-metal

        • Virgil the Ghost Poet

          I was waiting for that.

      • KJM

        1984 onward. ‘Tattoo You’ is a good album despite the overplayed tracks.

        • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

          Eh, Rolling Stones have one good song imo

          • KJM

            I’m not a big fan at all but I’ll say they have more than that.

          • Nordling Rites Ov Vanhus

            *KJM says that while wearing a Rolling Stones shirt*

          • KJM

            Don’t own one, wouldn’t pay for one. I don’t even have any vinyl of theirs any more.

  • Old Man Hetfield

    I’m sorry, I let Lars handle the merch. He goes on and on about his art and shit, and I’m just like “Whatever, I’m going to drive my hot rods and write riffs.”

    #TurnAwayFromTheThingThatShouldNotBe

  • KJM

    ‘Starry Eyes’ = Meh, took 95 minutes to tell a story that would’ve fit into a 25 minute Night Gallery or Twilight Zone episode.

  • WHYTEBEVRD

    Scrugs get with it
    http://youtu.be/2Tc3d7jJJCM

  • WHYTEBEVRD
  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • KJM

    You know Type O Negative & Carnivore, but do you know Fallout?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBBnK0CYlZI

    • Nope, can’t say I have. But I’ll give it a look see a little later. Catching up on some Cold Cave right now.

      • KJM

        Only 2 songs were recorded so there’s not much.