Sweater Stains: A Very In Flames Christmas

The sound of good taste fading.

With Christmas just a few days away, most of you have no doubt been invited to some sort of work holiday party where “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” were encouraged if not outright required. “Forced fun makes the workplace better” said someone in HR who has no soul and probably eats Fancy Feast for lunch. I had really expected this unnecessary trend to die out, but then again, I expected people to stop wearing Uggs somewhere around 2006. WRONG! That’s what I get for expecting people to not be monsters. At least society finally agreed to stop keeping up with the Kardashians.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ugly Christmas Sweaters. What an incredible waste of money. Buying something that is purposely ugly and really only wearable once or twice a year? If you told me Lizard People in conjuncture with the numbskulls at InfoWars had concocted the ugly sweater trend in an effort to people’s self esteem, I would maybe, kinda, sort believe you. It seems like everything with a logo has gotten in on ugly sweaters. Sports teams, movies, and unfunny jokes that only one of those freaks that posts Minions memes would laugh at are all par for the course. Of course, ugly sweaters for metal bands exist too and the trend continues this year.


In Flames, always on the cusp of what’s popular 2 years ago, have also gotten in on the ugly sweater train. Congratulations, In Flames. You promised us an ugly sweater and you certainly gave us an ugly sweater. The one time the band finally delivers this decade and it’s for this thing. Maybe it’s just the picture (EMP Exklusiv, you guys!), but the colors on this sweater are blander than a slice of pizza in Northern Iowa. Those aren’t just a funny string of words, I speak from experience. Yuck. That’s the saddest look reds and greens this side of Little Debbie Red Velvet Christmas Tree Cakes. Again, experience.

Sad colors and early-onset diabetes aside, this sweater deems no space safe as it crams in as many snowflakes, Jester Heads, and flaming trees as possible. Get it? ‘Cause they’re called In Flames and it’s Christmas and because they definitely had to submit they idea 5 minutes before the the deadline. We’re greeted with a big “MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM IN FLAMES” across the chest, letting all you non-Christians wallow in our seasonal depression alone. Score one for big-time “War Of Christmas” knuckleheads like Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump. The sweater manages to cram “IN FLAMES WE TRUST” across both arms and the stomach plus “GOTHENBURG SWEDEN” around the waste. The logic for this falls somewhere in the range of “Must fill all space to distract what remaining fans we have left!” For good measure, the sugar cookie-induced fever dream continues on the back.


Oof. There is no escape. There is no joy. There is no holly, jolly Christmas. There is muddy greens and reds. There is an unhealthy amount of Jester Heads. There is IN FLAMES WE TRUST. Make sure to wear this to your next holiday party. It will go great with your In Flames pants. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

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Published on: December 23, 2016

Filled Under: Metal, Shirt Stains

Views: 1325

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  • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

    Why In Flames? Why would you do this? Wasn’t Battles bad enough?

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa


    This is shit.

    • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

      I agree.

    • KyleJMcBride

      10 lbs of monkey crap in a 5 lb bag

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa


    • KyleJMcBride

      Btw, didja check out that Elephant Tree album? I think you’ll like it.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Is that the one with the weird jellyfish looking thing on the cover?

        • It’s a penis Boss.

          • Waynecro
          • whoa, that makes my skin crawl. was that taken from the Hannibal TV show?

          • Waynecro

            That’s a shirt with a big ol’ dick on it. I didn’t realize it was a dick when I ordered it because the thumbnail was really small. I just thought it was a sweet tower of dead bodies under a cool logo. Nope, that’s a penis (under a cool logo).

          • fuuuuuuuuck. now i see it. hope Virvum feels good about doing that to everybody!

          • Waynecro

            I just hope the band puts that sweet old-school logo on a penis-free shirt.

          • Dumpster Lung

            Awfully pointy, though.

        • KyleJMcBride


          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            I will have to go back and listen to it again. I shall report my findings!

      • Eliza

        I listened to it some three months ago. It’s solid.

        • #KJMgotBurnt,son

        • KyleJMcBride

          Just checked it out last night, quite good.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
  • This sweater is exactly like their last albums!

  • In Flames: Serving Disappointment Since 1999™

    • Pentagram Sam

      hahahha I got into em right when Clayman came out. First album was Colony tho, but I can still jam Clayman. Really dig the title track and Square Nothing alot.

      Part of what really got me with early In Flames was the acoustic shit, the instrumentals and then stuff like Jester Script Transfigured. THAT IS AN UNDERRATED AS HELL SONG.

      Soooo I can dig Clayman but can def tell how early early fans wouldn’t like that one.

      Goddamn The Quiet Place gives me rage twitches though

      • There are certainly good things sprinkled throughout their career. But really, what in the F#@K could have been going through their collective heads when they wrote songs like “The Quiet Place”?
        • Let’s piss off all our fans and/or trade them in for younger ones.
        • Heavy Metal has too much heavy metal in it.
        Or, most likely it went something like this:
        • Goddamn do we love money!

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        Jester Script Transfigured is easily the best song they have ever done. Probably the only thing they have ever done that deserves all the praise it gets

    • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

      I agree. Except for Siren Charms they haven’t done much good since Clayman.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      And even their good albums are severely overrated. There are plenty of melodic death metal albums better than The Jester Race and Whoracle

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      The pisser is here, is that we’re talking about In Flames, period.

      • good call! how about, did you ever conjure up a top 10 list this year? would like to see it if you have one!

        • King Shit of Fuck Mountain


    • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ


      • you too?!?! some days i feel like i’m not pulling my weight in this triple identity thingy we got going on 🙁

        • ME GORAK™✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ


          • i’ve only visited that great state. back in 2012 we went to a festival called “Death On the Vine” at Bogart’s in Cincinnati. it was a good. lots of bands you probably like too!

  • Depechemodeisgangsta

    I used to enjoy In flames, but i haven’t even bother to check their new album.

    • Given how amazing 2016’s been for metal, I think it’d be a disservice to all the great albums out there if you were to spend time on In Flames.

      • With tools like Bandcamp and blogs like this, there’s no need follow ads to In Flames’ new album or whatever gets advertised these days

  • AeonsOvChaos

    In Flames we don’t trust anymore.

  • AeonsOvChaos
    • Rob M

      Liked their demo, felt like they cleaned up the sound too much on their full length.

      Song here is good, but I think it needs a bit more fuzz, and maybe push the vocals back a bit

      • AeonsOvChaos

        Hi Rob, you’re right indeed, I’ve noticed too they cleaned up the sound, especially in their “Cimmerian Shade” EP who made them less dirt and abrasive but they still sound wicked and this is appealing to me but yeah, speaking about the new song the vocals are a bit too exposed if compared to the instruments, we’ll wait the definitve version of course but I think this track is pretty solid but could be rad if the album will have a sound close to the demo.

  • Rob M

    Given how they seem completely unaware of how awful their current run of albums have been I have to believe the ugliness of that sweater is completely unintentional

  • Where are the In Flames oven mitts to round out this ensemble?

  • Eliza

    Nothing embodies the holiday spirit better that a forest fire, I guess.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Forest fire and crass commercialism

    • Abradolf Lincler


  • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

    Anyone else surprised that the indisputable champion of bandwagon jumping Robb Flynn hasn’t put out a Machine Head Christmas sweater?

    • him and Jose Mangin could knit it together whilst sipping on eggnog and listening to Pañtera

      • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

        “oh, yeah, man. we fuckin knit that sweater with my hermano fuckin robb flynn, man, for the pink beard in the sky, man, then we listened to fuckin SLAYEEEUUURRRGHHH!!! with my fuckin award winning guacamole, man, fuckin metal, man… fuckin PANTERAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          And the sweater they knitted together was awarded the title of “Most Important Person In Metal”

        • Dumpster Lung

          “the pink beard in the sky” holy shit that is wonderful.

  • Waynecro

    Dude, I wish I had some of those Little Debbie Red Velvet Christmas Tree Cakes. I already have diabetes and therefore nothing to lose.

  • Count_Breznak

    Great, all those idiots not reading the instructions. You are supposed to apply matches. They can’t ship it on fire because of thanks obama, you have to do it yourself.