Ice to see you.
There’s no requirement for a band to make a music video. It’s not in the Official Metal Band Guidebook. The band doesn’t “Level Up” and gain new abilities with the experience points of making a video. You will not be able to cast the “Water Heal” spell while traversing the Black Plains of Gigglebalz on your quest to defeat the dark Lord Knutaik.
Unless a label is putting up the money (which would be better used for something like merch or touring expenses), then a small-time band should not make a music video. The grand idea of fighting an Ice Dragon while saving hot babes with your fire sword may look good in your head, but you’ll quickly realize that you only have enough in your budget to ask your nephew Logan to help out on Final Cut Pro when he’s not too busy with his Life Sciences homework. The video won’t look good and will make the band look even more small-time than they already appear. Just ask Cleveland-based power metal band Sunless Sky.
0:04: Slow down, Maestro. Where does this video take place?
0:07: An-Tarc-Tic-A? Power metal bands need to stop using made-up Tolkien places.
0:12: The map said Antarctica, but that’s really a frozen Lake Erie.
0:15: You can practically smell the pollution.
0:19: Good job Photoshopping out any watermarks and Getty Images symbols.
0:23: Now this looks like an antacid commercial.
0:30: Amps? Where we’re going, we won’t need amps.
0:34: Because where they’re going is The Isle of Late 90’s Computer Graphics.
0:41: Who knew there were trees in Antarctica? The more you know.
0:46: The cold is turning his fingers into little red cocktail wienies.
0:53: Oh my Joe, this intro is still going.
0:58: Wait, what was that? Did an explorer creep into the shot for half a second?
1:00: There they were again!
1:04: Hell Bent For Pleather.
1:12: So when does Johnny Cage come out and punch him in the junk?
1:17: “Damn it, Keith. I can’t believe you forgot your leather jacket! We’re going to look so stupid now!”
1:23: The melting snowflakes on the camera really convey the sense of “This was a bad idea”.
1:27: Nice to include a clip from Donald Drumpf’s last colonoscopy.
1:32: Fade in, fade out. It’s all the same at this point.
1:38: Random Explorer v3.0.
1:43: They must shop at the same Guitar Center.
1:46: “This shot is just too good. We have to use it more than once!”
1:54: Look out! You’re about to be hit by a bad career move!
1:59: Is it too much to ask for a hungry polar bear to wander out of that cave?
2:05: Or for the ice to start cracking?
2:17: Come on, snipers. Do your job.
2:26: We’ll just have to wait for the gliding Ice Spider to take care of business.
2:33: Excuse me, the gliding Ice Spider that shoots lasers out of it’s fucking face.
2:42: Why not an Ice Dragon?
2:47: Or an Ice Gargoyle?
2:54: How about an Ice Troll?
3:00: I’d even take the Ice Capades at this point.
3:06: Arnold’s Mr. Freeze looks pretty good right about now.
3:12: Scorpion, we need you now more than ever.
3:18: It’s hard to rock on when you’re too afraid to move.
3:27: The power of weedilies will save us from the gliding Ice Spider that shoots lasers out of its fucking face.
3:40: Looks like they didn’t have enough money in the budget to have a damsel or two.
3:49: I wonder what the hardcore band Subzero has to say about this video.
3:53: Milk this shot for all it’s worth, Sunless Sky.
4:00: That hat makes him look like the David from The Fifth Element.
4:08: For fuck’s sake, we get it! A thing crashed into the ice. Fuck!
4:18: Shot taken from Kylie Jenner’s crotch.
4:29: Thanks for the reminder. I forgot where this was supposedly taking place.
4:38: This would have been more believable if they just held a Magic Card up to the camera.
4:47: Nice to see they remembered their amps for this scene.
4:54: Brent Hinds’ younger brother, Brunt.
5:02: More terrifying than any Ice Spider.
5:08: The album is Firebreather, but the song is “Subzero”. Do they also have songs about wind, earth, water, and heart?
5:16: So what happened to the gliding Ice Spider that shoots lasers out of its fucking face?
5:21: I think we have a right to know.
5:25: Did he get laid on prom night and win the bet with his buddies?
5:29: Or did he realize the true meaning of love and become a better person because of it?
5:30: There’s a little bit of Ice Spider in all of us. That’s really beautiful when you think about it.
Sunless Sky’s album Firebreather is out now (it was actually released in 2014 and wow look at the artwork) via Pure Steel Records.