Sunday Sesh: Winner Winner ATTAN Vinyl Dinner

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A few weeks ago, ATTAN deemed it worthy for the unwashed masses to fight to the death in a contest to win a vinyl copy of their recent EP. Today, we hail the victorious dead and crown the champion. Maybe I’m making a misheard lyric contest sound like more than it is. Or maybe you’ve lost that childlike spark of imagination, innocence, and heinous bloodshed in the name of sweet, sweet victory. Either way, ATTAN was kind enough to comment on each one before selecting the ultimate winner. Jam along with the track while you read the band’s crushing judgment.

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ATTAN: Really good one, but the timing is off here and there. Bonus for heavy use of “poo” and “BOOBS.” Also reckless boobs is on our list of must see things now.  

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.49.34 PM

ATTAN: A proper hangover, with the mandatory need for cheese and more drinks, awesome!

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.49.59 PM

ATTAN: Almost perfect when it comes to timing, ultra bonus for petting HARD!

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ATTAN: Bonus points for far-outness, and the leading of especial women to water.

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ATTAN: A little sloppy at times this one but MEGA BONUS POINTS for the losing of hymen and having the balls to point out the fact that Mexico just makes way too much noise.

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.51.23 PM

ATTAN: Disturbing

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ATTAN: Straight out of the golden bowl! BONUS for being spot on, we´re going to mess this up live from now on!

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ATTAN: Say w00t? BONUS for keepin´ it real!

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.52.44 PM

ATTAN: Minus for being lazy, bonus for poo (damn kids, give something to one of them you have to give it to all of them).

Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.52.51 PM Screen Shot 2016-03-19 at 10.53.05 PM

ATTAN: Bonus for follow up, we really wanted to know how it went with those laides. Not so good huh? Next time, you´ll get that finger working for you next time, no worries.

After many weeks of debate, which is totally why this took so long to follow up on and not all my complete ineptitude as a person in general, we decided that the winner is GUACAMOLE JIM! Except we got in touch with him, and he’s deep in the jungle on a secret mission to do something or other so he couldn’t get vinyl shipped to him. So I guess, you know, congrats on the way-less-exciting-but-possibly-more-practical download code, Guacamole.

Since a winner must be crowned, we threw Guacamole Jim into a pit of snake-tiger hybrids (Note: That was the first image that came up when searching “snake tiger hybrid.” What is wrong with people) and passed the crown to BOSS THE HOSS ROSS! Congratulations, most valiant of warriors, you have an ATTAN vinyl heading your way. Give The Hoss a mighty huzzah in the comments, and then go nuts with whatever crap you weirdos talk about.

  • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

    Good morning everybody!
    Congratulations to Guacamole Jim! I’m sorry you could not get your prize. If you are ever in my neck of the woods, I will gladly present the crown back to you.

    • Stockhausen

      HUZZAH!

      • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

        HARUMPH!

    • Guacamole Jim

      I could never take the crown away from Boss the Ross; it wouldn’t feel right. I’m content with my download. I’ve been bumping the album all weekend.

      • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

        Solid! The offer still stands if you ever change your mind, good Sir.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    So early 2016: “Take your severely oversized blade and stab these links”
    The future is now!: “Take your severely reckless boobs and stab these links”.

    I think Joe has started an all new trend here.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    NO SNAKE TIGER ANIME

  • EsusMoose

    Huzzah! Time to stare are a ceiling

  • DVRKBEVRD

    i guess my instrumental version was too “experimental” for you

  • Hey, I’m in a post. Neat! I’m drinking a beer at 10:30 this morning by the way.

      • Rob M

        I know you threw on your spiked gauntlet just for the photo op

        • I would.

        • Damn. You got me. Can you blame me?

          • Rob M

            Nah man..totally understandable…got to maintain appearances

          • Spikes, bullet belts, and beer till death!!!!

          • …Oh, and weed.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            always with the weed

          • No shit, I wish you fuckers were closer. I haven’t gotten high in over a year.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            pfff weed is erwhere

          • Yeah, that’s the scary part.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD
          • Got that covered.

          • more beer

            Always got that covered.

          • more beer

            Pennsylvania is in the process of legalizing medical marijuana. That is a step in the right direction. For total legalization.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            And in a lot of cases, like with CA, it’s pretty much the same as being fully legal.

          • more beer

            It is still against the law in California if you don’t have a medical card. So you can get arrested for it depending on what the cops want to do.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            That’s why I was saying pretty much. From what I’ve heard though, it takes absolutely no imagination to get a card there.

          • more beer

            It is really easy here too. I have one. But you save so much on taxes getting a card here rather than buying recreational. Which gets taxed at between 38 & 45%.

          • Rob M

            …as it should be

          • Hey did you catch Archgoat yet?

          • Rob M

            Not yet…this coming Thursday I think

          • I missed them on Friday. Shame.

          • Rob M

            hahaha..and you were giving me shit about missing Taake

            That sucks dude…you going to try and pick them up this week in Baltimore?

          • Yup, I deserve the shit. Fuck me.

          • Rob M

            Nah man…shit comes up. I missed Mortuary Drape/Mgla not too long ago

          • This eases the sting a bit though…
            http://i.imgur.com/tSNpEcp.jpg

          • Rob M

            Nice!

            …such a killer fucking band

          • Oh yeah, glad I saw them last year at least headlining Hells Headbash.

          • Rob M

            They headlined…damn. They must have gotten a nice long set with that. Think the one time I saw them at MDF they got maybe 4 songs before they were done

          • I missed them at MDF. I left that day unfortunately. Caught Black Witchery the day before though.

          • Rob M

            That was a killer set too…Thought Impurath was going to go after that dude in the crowd

          • HAHAHA! That’s right. He kicked that chicken dude in the ass. Literally!!!

          • Rob M

            Right?…He was fucking mad dude.

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          And rockin’ those Cobra (the Stallone movie) glasses. And after the beer, he sat down for a well deserved (and supremely manly for reasons I can’t describe) breakfast:

          https://media.giphy.com/media/3o85xuADLiTl91mc7u/giphy.gif

      • more beer

        Beer the most important meal of the day.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    So lately I’ve been going through a list of “underground classics with a circle jerk cult following”. And I have to say I’ve been joining in on the circle jerk more often than not.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLg4oh4bDRU

    • Evoken >>>>>>>>>

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        That album is rapidly climbing to the top of my funeral doom list. What did you think about that first Ahab album?

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpGl7saUSig

        • Rob M

          First two Ahab albums are crushing…always thought those albums did such a killer job getting the across the idea of the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Exactly my opinion as well. Especially Call of the Wretched Sea really actually sounded like the ocean. Still love that album. The second one was alright, but didn’t blow me away like their debut did. They kinda lost me with The Giant.

          • Rob M

            Agreed…they took a turn into the progressive side of things with The Giant, and while its good in its own way, I think they lost that feeling of the crushing depths

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            all their albums are great, i liked Glen Carrig too

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I should still give Glen Carrig a listen. Only listened to one or two songs of it.

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            more cleans = more sad feels

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Speaking about sad feels…

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HdnaDuRwok

          • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

            man, ive seen them a couple times. theyre good but im less impressed with that new loooong ass album they put out last

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I actually loved Clearing the Path to Ascend. Really took me to other places. I was less impressed with Atma, while I loved The Great Cessation (which didn’t really get the rave reviews Yob usually gets).

          • Rob M

            Now thats a band Ive never gotten into…they do nothing for me

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            They’re a love it or hate it band. Personally, they really speak to me. But I can see others not getting into them. All good.

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            It took me a while to get over the whole “fuck, this is just one monotonous drone” thing, but it’s still an album and genre I very rarely ever listen to.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I think Yob’s one of the more interesting and dynamic bands in the “droney” side of the genre. Though they aren’t really a full on “drone” band. With Yob I think a lot of interesting things happen within their songs and they are masters at evoking a transcendental mood. At least that’s the effect they have on me. For me it took a while before I could appreciate Sunn O))) though.

            For me it’s the same with any subgenre; some bands click with me, others don’t. I could make the same case for funeral doom as I make for drone doom. Skepticism and especially Thergothon bore me, Esoteric fails to keep me interested throughout their 1,5-2 hour long albums. Some Evoken and Ahab albums on the other hand really pull me into another world.

          • Rob M

            Funeral Doom is tough…its one of those genres that I have to be in just the right mood for because it really is a time sink and its all too easy to get tired of the album your spinning

          • Likewise. I often feel like I have to pause after every third song or so just to keep ennui from setting in, no matter how good the album is.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Glen Carrig is good… if you’re not looking for a crushing funeral doom album, but a sad, heavy and slow record.

        • My favorite thing ever with “doom” in the genre tag.

        • Old Man Doom

          So fucking good. Call of the Wretched Sea totally changed my whole musical world when i first discovered it.

    • Eliza

      Thanks for putting this here, it’s great.

    • Never heard of this before, but the atmosphere is quite lovely.
      But as long as we’re talking about underground classics with a circle jerk cult following, everyone should listen to these records:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8omXij5k7CU
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eimRwSbq2bk
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzjvfAoId-s

      • Rob M

        Upvote for Infester

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        I recently listened to Lykathea Aflame. Great album!

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        I try to get into Lykathea Aflame every now and then. It eludes me, but something keeps drawing me in.
        Also, Evoken>>>>>>>>>>

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    You’re all excellent!

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    It’s Palm Sunday and I just got out of church.

    • KJU has his own version of “Palm” Sunday. Wokka wokka wokka.

    • Sir Tapir The Based

      It’s a regular Sunday and I’m eating meatloaf.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        You’re eating meatloaf with your ears?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Since when were you a cannibal? Also why did you have to eat the man who sang on Bat Out Of Hell?

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Because Bat Out of Hell is awful.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            It’s not that bad!

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Sorry JJD, I can’t back anyone on anything having to do with Meat Loaf’s music.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Y u do dis?

          • Cos Meat Loaf is poop.

          • Eliza

            Not even my mom likes Meat Loaf.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            I hated him ever since I first heard “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” or whatever that song is called. Fucking hell, that abomination has tortured my ears since forever.

          • Such a repulsive song.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            If I would get locked in a room for 24 hours where I would’ve have to endure hearing one atrocious shit album on loop and they would let me choose between Meat Loaf’s Bat Out of Hell or Limp Bizkit’s The Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water, I’d choose Limp Bizkit. Fuck me, don’t get me fucking started on Paradise by the fucking Dashboard Light.

          • Eliza

            I just gave Bat out of Hell a listen. Curiosity truly kills.

          • I’m forced to agree.

          • more beer

            I would take option 3 and pierce my eardrums with a soldering iron.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Hahahaha! But that would mean I could never listen to Close To a World Below again.

          • more beer

            True. But you may kill yourself. Having to listen to either of those atrocities for 24 hours.

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            At least with Limp Bizkit I’ll die laughing. However…24 hours – no matter how retardedly hilarious the album may be – is a long fucking time…

          • more beer

            Much too long to be subjected to either of those.

          • I’ll take the option to terminate and be cremated on the premises. #EscapeFromNewYork

          • more beer

            Both better options than listening to either.

          • ME GORAK B.C.™

            ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Terrible…but it still pales in comparison to Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

          • Eliza

            To be completely honest, I haven’t heard much of him besides “I would do anything for love” (which is one the most ear-bleedingly awful songs I’ve ever heard, by the way), but but from the first moment I heard it, I got a feeling that I would never what to hear anything from him ever again.

          • more beer

            But, Bob had bitch tits.

          • The real question is, does your dad?

            Alternately, does JJD?
            (the answer is yes)

          • Sir Tapir The Based

            What if JJD is the dad?

          • more beer

            this

          • Eliza

            I sincerely hope I’m not related to someone who enjoys Meat Loaf unironically.

          • I think a singularity happens.

          • Eliza

            No. Nobody I know does.

          • more beer

            “Stop Right There”!

          • brokensnow

            I enjoy Meatloaf. I grew up on him. hes the soft rock Dio.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Because he made bad music.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Tapir plz!

          • Pentagram Sam

            I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuck if I’m in the minority here but YO JJD, since I know you are down w tha Bruuuuuce, Roy Bittan plays the piano / keys on some Meat Loaf shit. I totally dig the Meat Loaf song in Drive Angry, Still Alive. YES I KNOW IT’S NIC CAGE. But includes a scene of simultaneous intercourse, killing, and Jack Daniel’s swiggin.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    New Stam1na album is pretty good
    #BandsNoOneElseCaresAbout
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=14zfmbL3-CU

  • Stanley
  • Rob M

    Relaxing to the soothing tones of:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOBhYd149rQ

    • Eliza

      Nothing better for a Sunday afternoon.

    • Lacertilian

      Obligatory Throaat rip!

  • Eliza

    Congrats to Jim!

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I need to start being a normal functioning member of society and stop referring to how metal something is in normal conversation.

    • Boss the “Hoss” Ross

      No, don’t change.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        I’m fed up of people not wanting to talk to me and saying “shut up go away” when I start to talk at length about black metal tho

        • Eliza

          The amount of times I’ve been in that situation is unfathomable.

        • more beer

          Fuck people. Don’t ever give a fuck what they think.

        • Rob M

          I dont understand…why would people not want to talk about black metal?

        • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

          That’s why you carefully nudge them into the conversation by saying things like “fuck you, suck my dick”, “lick my butthole”, “you look like a retarded turtle without it’s shell”, and “you’re racist if you don’t like black metal”.

        • Sir Tapir The Based

          Why would you want to talk to people tho?

    • Just replace “metal” with other metal sounding adjectives! Ripper, rips, slays, killer, crushes, the world of aggressive-sounding descriptors is your oyster!

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        My brain can only comprehend two qualitative extremes, metal and not metal. It’s fucking binary.

        • Have you considered a lobotomy?

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            What, to remove the metal part of my brain and make me only comprehend pop punk and mainstream rap? No thanks.

          • Rob M

            I think pop punk and mainstream rap actually cause the lobotomy

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        And ‘savage’. “Holy fuck, these scrambled eggs are fucking savage! You know how many chickens died for this grimmest and life-crushing of meals?”

    • no you don’t.

  • COAL ROLL

    Boss is on fire

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
  • Max

    High art, all of them. I’d’ve had a hard time picking a winner.

    And Mexico is pretty loud, now that I think about it.

  • UNCLE BLACKBEARD

    https://youtu.be/-XLyiz71vLY

    howd i miss this?

  • Óðinn
  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Bumped into this bad boy. Purple shit + super naked aliens (so naked in fact that you can see their skeletons) + guy looking like he’s doing the whole “tell it to the hand, girlfriend!” pose = you definitely know it’s tech death before you even hit play.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTs9AUo5R3U

  • sweetooth0

    Ah yissssss