Sunday Sesh: Total Solar Eclipses And You: 6 Things You Need To Know

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A total solar eclipse is nigh af, my dudes. Tomorrow, North America will be bathed in midday darkness. We here at the Toilet ov Hell have teamed up with various research institutions across the country to bring you the facts regarding the eclipse. Here are six essential points for everyone!

1. Why does the eclipse happen?

To start with a general idea of what’s happening here, we talked to Dr. Dave McCutcheons of MIT. “The science behind it is pretty complicated,” says McCutcheons, “but essentially, the sun always forgets that we’re here. When it finally sees us again, it gets absolutely terrified and hides behind the moon. The sun’s memory is pretty bad, and its rotation lasts probably a bunch of years, I think. So when it turns around and finally sees us again, the sun always says ‘Ah yes, the empty Earth! I am in love with how empty you are!’ Then it looks closer in order to deepen its love, and is inevitably shocked when it sees us again.” Fascinating stuff. “According to our data on this particular eclipse, the first person the sun noticed was a guy working at a law firm who ran some sort of metal music record label specializing in Nazi-influenced bands on the side. Naturally the sun was shocked and disgusted, so it’s now in the jump-phase (from the old Latin “jumppphase;” jump meaning “jump” and phase meaning “phase”) and it will land behind the moon tomorrow.”

2. Who is the eclipse for?

“The eclipse is not for everyone,” says Professor Cutch McDaveon of the Brookings Institute. “Our study followed people of every demographic in North America for years leading up to this particular Sunfrighten, and we found that anyone named Todd is completely unaware of the eclipse. And not just because they haven’t been paying attention; this event simply won’t happen in their reality. Todds in North America will see a bright, unwavering sunny day on Monday. We aren’t sure why this is the case, but preliminary evidence also confirmed that 100% of Todds know every word to every song by a band called Twilight Force. We have no idea who that band is, but something about being enamored with that band’s style must cause them to dweeb entirely out of normal reality.”

3. Whom can we punish for the eclipse?

Is the eclipse good? Is it bad? Is it neither? Despite knowing for sure, you never really know for sure, and so someone needs to be punished. “The first thing you’ll want to do is punish your nearest Todd,” says Dutch McCaveon, a researcher at Harvard University. “But that’s useless. You’ll say ‘This is for Sunspook 2017!’ as you clobber him real good and Todd will say ‘I do not understand but let me tell you about Tales of Ancient Prophecies by Twilight Force!’ No one wins. Instead, you need to strongly scold all fossils. The animals they represent are dead as all hell and very rarely talk back.”

4. Will Tool fans stop talking about Tool during the eclipse?

No.

5. Will any abnormal happenings occur during the eclipse?

The eclipse is certainly a rare and fascinating time, and it’s easy to get caught up in some paranormal ideas, especially in the path of totality where the eclipse is complete. “Studies confirm that no paranormal activity will occur, but some physical phenomena may increase,” says Dr. Cave McDutcheon of CalTech. “For example, early projections show that a group called Death Metal Underground may experience critical panty twist levels. Already a reactionary bunch on their own, the eclipse will likely add several levels of twisting panties to everything they encounter. If someone so much as slightly underestimates the importance of melodic narrative in a death metal song, military intervention may be necessary.

6. How will bands react?

ReverbNation, the chosen platform for local bands ready to take the scene by storm, will experience a 420% increase in bands registering under the name “Path of Totality.” Otherwise, not much.

Well there you have it. Secretly mock Todd while you get out and enjoy yourself for this eclipse!

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