Sunday Sesh: Total Solar Eclipses And You: 6 Things You Need To Know

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A total solar eclipse is nigh af, my dudes. Tomorrow, North America will be bathed in midday darkness. We here at the Toilet ov Hell have teamed up with various research institutions across the country to bring you the facts regarding the eclipse. Here are six essential points for everyone!

1. Why does the eclipse happen?

To start with a general idea of what’s happening here, we talked to Dr. Dave McCutcheons of MIT. “The science behind it is pretty complicated,” says McCutcheons, “but essentially, the sun always forgets that we’re here. When it finally sees us again, it gets absolutely terrified and hides behind the moon. The sun’s memory is pretty bad, and its rotation lasts probably a bunch of years, I think. So when it turns around and finally sees us again, the sun always says ‘Ah yes, the empty Earth! I am in love with how empty you are!’ Then it looks closer in order to deepen its love, and is inevitably shocked when it sees us again.” Fascinating stuff. “According to our data on this particular eclipse, the first person the sun noticed was a guy working at a law firm who ran some sort of metal music record label specializing in Nazi-influenced bands on the side. Naturally the sun was shocked and disgusted, so it’s now in the jump-phase (from the old Latin “jumppphase;” jump meaning “jump” and phase meaning “phase”) and it will land behind the moon tomorrow.”

2. Who is the eclipse for?

“The eclipse is not for everyone,” says Professor Cutch McDaveon of the Brookings Institute. “Our study followed people of every demographic in North America for years leading up to this particular Sunfrighten, and we found that anyone named Todd is completely unaware of the eclipse. And not just because they haven’t been paying attention; this event simply won’t happen in their reality. Todds in North America will see a bright, unwavering sunny day on Monday. We aren’t sure why this is the case, but preliminary evidence also confirmed that 100% of Todds know every word to every song by a band called Twilight Force. We have no idea who that band is, but something about being enamored with that band’s style must cause them to dweeb entirely out of normal reality.”

3. Whom can we punish for the eclipse?

Is the eclipse good? Is it bad? Is it neither? Despite knowing for sure, you never really know for sure, and so someone needs to be punished. “The first thing you’ll want to do is punish your nearest Todd,” says Dutch McCaveon, a researcher at Harvard University. “But that’s useless. You’ll say ‘This is for Sunspook 2017!’ as you clobber him real good and Todd will say ‘I do not understand but let me tell you about Tales of Ancient Prophecies by Twilight Force!’ No one wins. Instead, you need to strongly scold all fossils. The animals they represent are dead as all hell and very rarely talk back.”

4. Will Tool fans stop talking about Tool during the eclipse?

No.

5. Will any abnormal happenings occur during the eclipse?

The eclipse is certainly a rare and fascinating time, and it’s easy to get caught up in some paranormal ideas, especially in the path of totality where the eclipse is complete. “Studies confirm that no paranormal activity will occur, but some physical phenomena may increase,” says Dr. Cave McDutcheon of CalTech. “For example, early projections show that a group called Death Metal Underground may experience critical panty twist levels. Already a reactionary bunch on their own, the eclipse will likely add several levels of twisting panties to everything they encounter. If someone so much as slightly underestimates the importance of melodic narrative in a death metal song, military intervention may be necessary.

6. How will bands react?

ReverbNation, the chosen platform for local bands ready to take the scene by storm, will experience a 420% increase in bands registering under the name “Path of Totality.” Otherwise, not much.

Well there you have it. Secretly mock Todd while you get out and enjoy yourself for this eclipse!

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  • Lacertilian
    • Óðinn

      If he forgot to pull down his pants, it’s gonna take a while to get untangled.

  • Dubby Fresh

    Leif Bearikson is a coward and a weakling, and I cannot wait to prove that I am the mightiest by beating him in a grand duel of staring at the eclipse tomorrow.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      R.I.P. Dawn Crosby

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Greatest female vocals in metal as far as I’m concerned. She really used her vox as another instrument and managed to turn a thrash/groove record into an actual eerie, warped and disturbing piece of work.

  • I don’t get it.

  • KJM, Anla’Shok

    But I haven’t talked about Tool since June…

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      If anything, I come across Tool haters talking about Tool way more often.

      • I have met exactly one Tool-enthusiast in my entire life. I think this whole “Tool fans are the worst” bit is an imaginary narrative.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Oh the really obnoxious Tool fans super freaks definitely exist; and when you for instance come across entire boards where the deeper spiritual meaning of a single lyric line in Forty Six & 2 is being discussed for 4062 pages (pun very much so intended) it does get a bit ridiculous.

          …but equally ridiculous are those who feel the need to express their deep-seated hatred for Tool each and every time the band merely gets name dropped. In my days on the internet metal boards I’ve come across way more “TOOL FUCKING SUCKS AND THEIR FANS SUCK WORSE” or “TOOL IS NOT METAL” statements than I’ve come across “YOU SUCK FOR NOT LIKING TOOL” declarations. I get it, you don’t like Tool. It really is fine.

          Anyway, my subjective take;
          Tool is a great band. Not the be-all-end-all of heavy bands, but a great band all the same. Are they metal or not? That’s up for debate, and I would stress that they’re definitely not “true metal” (my take is that so-called “alternative metal” is a blanket term for bands who take their own alternative rock-like approach to music yet spice it up with metal-related elements and in their own way end up being sonically too heavy and awkward to be still just considered “rock” – but that’s another debate), but in their own way they do have traits of the genre and always have inhabited the “greater metal scene”.
          (and to be perfectly honest, the genre “metal” has become so diverse and loose it doesn’t really offend me whenever a certain heavy band gets called “metal” – even if I do think said band sucks)

          *end of shitty Frank rant*

          • I must be living the Good Life, because I have never once been bothered by a Tool fan’s Tool fandom. There are probably hundreds of other bands for whom I cannot say the same . . .

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            To be fair, most of the times I’ve been bothered by a fan of a certain band or style, I had myself to blame. When I go around making statements like “all deathcore/sumeriancore/slam sucks” of course fanboys are gonna gang up on me. That’s the price you pay for being a prick (which sometimes is just too irresistible).

            Of course, there have been instances in “metal” where I got unjustly bothered; for instance by the fans of a certain metalcore-ish band with 3 underage Japanese vocalists. At the “apex” of their career, this band’s superfans were like a pack of rabid dogs.

          • The cure for what ails you is to stay away from non-Toilet message boards.

            I try to resist being a prick these days; I don’t think I’ve been successful so far.

          • Dumpster Lung

            The price you pay for being RIGHT

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Me neither. The closest thing to a Tool fanboy I have ever met is this one guy at work who constantly asks me if I know anything about the new Tool album, to which I reply, “Dude, there are hundreds of bands out there as good as Tool that are actively writing, recording, and putting out new music; go check those out and forget about Tool”

          • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

            Or just, you know, enjoy what Tool did in the past and stop whining about a new album.
            At least that’s what I do.

        • Count_Breznak

          There is your problem: You only met ONE. From two and up they start discussing who got the meaning of the lyrics better.

          • Even so, that doesn’t bother me. I must be special.

        • Stockhausen

          SHUT UP TODD.

      • Óðinn

        That’s true, actually. I think I hear more from those who don’t like Tool.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    Yay, an eclipse! I hope Todd Rundgren can see it. Also I want to fight these scientists for hating the name Todd. I challenge them to an I Quit match, preferably inside a cage.

    • KJM, Anla’Shok

      You gonna watch Summerslam tonight?

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        Most likely not. Takeover was amazing though.

        • KJM, Anla’Shok

          Yep, way too much Sunday night TV going on.

    • Count_Breznak

      You are the janitor..you’ll have to clean up afterwards.Might not be worth it.

    • Sir Ukkometso The Based

      Death to all Todds!

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

    There is no Todd