Sunday Sesh: The March Madness Episode
Listen up, lurkers, Ethletes (eww, typing that word just makes me feel clammy), heshers, and cape-wearing dungeon synth freaks, it’s time to pretend you care about sports. March Madness is upon us, so for the remainder of the month we must all make believe we know a thing or two about basketball and take ownership of bracket upsets as if our crappy picks willed them into being. What’s your standing in your office pool? Get in here and let me know!
First, let me get something off my chest: a curse upon all of the players of University of Virginia, their parents, their coaches, their friends, their roommates, their provosts, their boosters, and their board of regents. May they develop unsightly rashes on their lower backs and find sand in their suitcases until the end of time. May the state of Virginia become marginally hotter over the next several decades. May their immense failure in the first round of the tournament, a historic triumph of a number 16 seed over a number one seed, be etched upon a great stele in the Commonwealth to serve as a warning for all future generations.
Second, although it has completely devastated the South quadrant of my bracket, Loyola’s ascension has been a marvel to witness. I have no doubt that their victories are due to the stalwart and holy might of Sister Jean. May her righteous fury continue to lead the Chicago Jesuits to the Elite Eight (thereby upending my coworkers’ chances of winning), but let her wisdom falter there.
Third, may my alma mater continue to triumph. Texas Tech’s prominence this season has been a windfall to Red Raiders who’ve all but given up hope on our football program ever rising above mediocrity once again. Chris Beard’s courageous coaching has already set new records for the Red Raider program, and if we came no further than the Sweet Sixteen this year (thanks to our gritty defense against Florida last night), that would be more than enough accomplished in Beard’s second season as head coach.
That just leaves us to my UNC Tar Heels facing the accursed Texas A&M Aggies today at 5:15 pm. There is no curse in the tongues of elves, men, or ents sufficient to express my hatred for the Aggies, so instead I will arouse your spirits to this cause. Today you are all Tar Heels. You are all Red Raiders. You are all enemies of College Station, and your collective hope will ensure that justice wins through.
So how’s your bracket coming along? Hoping for any upsets? Ever seen a basketball in Finland? Sound off in the comments below.
And if you don’t like sports, here’s some new Judas Priest.