Sunday Sesh: Let’s Just Watch Elves

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I’m going to level with you my dudes: This weekend has sucked a mighty butt.

I’ve been doing two people’s worth of work at my job all week, I only received half of my paycheck (yay processing errors), plane tickets I needed to buy doubled in price in the 2 day span of me looking at them and then receiving that halved paycheck (goodbye halved paycheck), I haven’t slept well in lord knows how long and it’s catching up to me, and a goddamn moth just landed in my beer as I was drinking it.

Next week does not look to offer any recompense aside from opening day as almost all of it will be dedicated to jury duty and heading off to Midland, TX: The even dustier and more pointless version of Lubbock [w. Note – There has never been a truer sentence typed on the internet.]. I know it’s not all bad and that these grievances are mere annoyances just aggravated by sleep deprivation, but my brain is one hundred percent fried. As such I figured we could all just have a nice relaxing day of just laughing at something terrible, and what better terrible movie to watch with strange internet people than 1989’s VHS cover art standout ELVES starring none other than Grizzly Adams himself, Dan Haggerty.

I cannot clearly recall the majority of the movie. The one time I watched it was in a hotel room in Olympia and I was FUCKED UP on some, uh, local soda. I do remember the general plot however: During an anti-Christmas ritual a woman cuts her hand, spills her blood on the ground, and awakens an ancient elf that turns out to be a part of a Neo-Nazi plot to finally conquer the earth with Hitler’s master race. Yes you are thinking correctly. Hitler’s master race wasn’t the tall, blonde haired, blue eyed Germans we all thought, but rather a bunch of knee high, failed toy peddling, knock off shit-goblins. If 2017 is anything to go by, this movie totally called the aesthetics of a modern Nazi.

So what do you say? Let’s all grab our beers of choice, kick back, and watch an out of season s0-bad-it’s-good creature feature.

P.S. BASEBALL IS BACK, GO RANGERS.

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  • Brutalist_Receptacle
    • Sid Vicious Promos

      I prefer Orion aka a person people thought was Elvis because of his singing voice and he wore a mask. This was after Elvis died. They made a documentary about him in 2015.

  • Edward

    Leif you take melatonin ever? If you haven’t, try it. If you have and it doesn’t work, best of luck.

    • Leif Bearikson

      I really do need to try it. Just gotta remember to grab some next time I’m out and about.

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    Since we’re talking cheesy horror, I just saw the trailer to the upcoming movie version of Stephen King’s IT. At times it does look like your standard modern horror flick, but let’s say I’m still intrigued.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7no56Zw1e20

    • Edward

      I’d watch it.

    • Primordial Chaos

      I saw this trailer several times and I must say that I’m intrigued too and maybe this movie will have a Nightmare On Elm Street’s vibe because of the young kids who shares the same vision of Pennywise, sounds like a Nightmare but they’re not sleeping and danger is always close to them, Favourite scene: Pennywise appears during the slide show, the clown seems scary, his wicked smile looks good!

    • Sid Vicious Promos

      I don’t plan on seeing it. I have a deathly fear of clowns which is even worse than my fear of chainsaws.

    • Hans Copronym

      Something tells me that this version, too, will omit the scene in the book where they basically all have to bang the girl.
      Stephen King came up with weird shit in his alcohol-and-whatnot-fueled days.

      • Doom Scientist

        Have you ever tried actually READING Cujo? It’s obvious that one was written during the height of a pain killer binge.

        • Hans Copronym

          I mostly remember the part about the cereal that made kids vomit, but yeah, I’ve heard that he basically does not recall writing that one.

      • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

        Not a bad idea to omit that scene. Ok, they tried to explain the purpose of that underage orgy scene through the coming-of-age perspective, but even then it was always kinda stupid imo.

        • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

          I have not read the book (and I sincerely apologize to everyone who also hasn’t for the following spoiler) but I was told by someone who is a major Stephen King fan that the kids all bang the girl in order to get rid of their childhood innocence; otherwise they all would have died in their confrontation against Pennywise. If it is indeed like he told me, then I believe it is an important scene and is a shame it wasn’t included in the movie

          • Doom Scientist

            Not to engage in spoilers, but the sewer gang bang happens after they take out Pennywise. They get lost in the sewers and fear overtakes them.

          • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

            Then I was lied to

            Note to self: Read the fucking book before commenting on it

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  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Sorry to hear about your weekend dude. Shit stinks. Elves rules though. A Christmas tradition for me. Cheap, ludicrous and perfunctorily assembled at best (the odd arresting image or moment of tension is likely a happy accident), but also mesmerisingly bizarre, tasteless and mean spirited. A joyous one of a kind in the best tradition of American weirdo trash.

    • Leif Bearikson

      It saddens me that we’ll have eventually discovered every strange movie the 80’s had to offer

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        At least it won’t be for a while. There really were vast amounts of strange movies made in the 80’s. Even in recent years ones have been unearthed that weren’t even listen on imdb before.

      • Doom Scientist
  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY
  • Pentagram Sam

    OH GOD LEIF I’M SO SORRY!!!!

    Yo while you’re in Midland though check this out:

    A. Look up Jumburrito. They have several locations over Midland, they have big fucking breakfast burritos of glory and bad ass salsa verde. If you’re in Midland for longer than a week go to a Jumburrito and get a rewards card. You get a free burrito for signing up , and bonus points for free shit rack up fast (Three or four visits basically gets you a free regular burrito)

    B, Also for brakkist there is a local donut shop called T&T donuts. ALL OTHER DONUT PLACES IN MIDLAND ARE FUCKIN FALSE (or to quote Brutalist ‘fvckin false”). Their pig in a blankets rule and their cinnamon rolls are bad ass.

    That’s about it. Good luck on finding cds (lol) and shit. Although they do have a cool drive in movie if you wanna go there and get hiii-iighh-iiiiiigghhhhh.

    Stay high.

    • Doom Scientist

      I wish the Boston area had a drive-in that specialized in Horror/SciFi/Other movies. I’m just old enough to remember when drive-ins were a major thing.

  • Primordial Chaos

    I did not found a dumb and funny GIF about “Elves” but Google gave me this one: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7e8d1d7536e529502ceacedeb86357c458bc201a41d8fe5587de4ace379bdd2c.jpg

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Another 1989 bugged out classic.

    • Leif Bearikson

      This movie is magic distilled into its purest form.

  • Sid Vicious Promos

    Yay, baseball! Go Yankees! Also i have an interview today with a used game and movie store in the mall I work at. I hope I get it.

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      Best of luck chap!

  • Count_Breznak

    Baseball, nascar, armored wankball. Making golf and tennis exciting to watch in comparison is no small feat.

  • Doom Scientist

    I’m still amazed at the Rick & Morty April Fool’s surprise. What makes it more amazing is that it was such a good episode.

    • TheGranulatingDarkSatanicMilfs

      Rick & Morty: The nerdy, intelligent humor that The Big Bang Theory tries so hard, and fails so miserably, to pull off

      • Doom Scientist

        This is 100% truth. Big Bang Theory sucks hairy donkey dick.

  • Jacks Smirking Revenge

    I feel you man, I’m working third shift and it’s really starting to wear on me. Constantly tired and even when I do actually get sleep, I don’t feel rested. I just suck at being nocturnal I guess.

    • Doom Scientist

      For the most part I did ok with it. It helps to live in an urban area with a lot of 24 hour stores.