Sunday Sesh: A Dookie in the Diamonds
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belooooooooong.
Sunday, the nose-picking anachronism amongst the rest of the other 6 days of the week (or maybe that’s Monday for some folks around here). Like that one gristle-filled nugget in a bag of otherwise juicy chicken tendies (and there’s ALWAYS at least one; it’s just one of those cruel tricks of the universe), it lurks in all its hideously misplaced mockery. Much like these songs. One song on an otherwise perfect, or at least really good CD, that completely fucks up the flow like an uninvited guest at a roaring party who ends up passed out with their head in the toilet, their pants around their ankles and a mysterious goo behind them with the door flung wide open, with no mop anywhere around the house.
I’m gonna catch some flak for this one, but the one that really p(l)opped up in my head when thinking of this:
OK, Book Of Souls wasn’t exactly groundbreaking, but it was a damn good CD through and through. Pretty much old school, back to roots Maiden as God/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Rob Schneider intended. Until… this 18 minute wank fest comes roaring into town on the Chugga Lugga Poo Poo Express. I’m getting the idea that the rest of the band finally caved in after Bruce repeatedly bugged them to let him noodle around on a CD, and it turns out to be one of those moments where no one wants to admit it’s a terrible idea, just so he’ll shut up about it.
I was of two minds about this CD before it came out, considering that the band kicked Timo Tolkki, who founded the band and wrote 90% of the music, out of the band after a whole lotta buncha cray cray antics on his end. But, it turned out to be their strongest one since Destiny. That is until they decided to write a complete and utter carbon copy of “Forever,” an ode to Timo’s late father. You know, the same Timo they just kicked out. And a song that completely killed the rest of the rather epic mood of the whole CD. Thankfully it’s the last one on there. For argument’s sake, play both songs at the same time:
EXHIBIT C(HICKEN TENDIES):
Another classic from Spain’s finest death metal export, and second only to the almighty Stabwound Orgasm in their stellar catalog (well, besides Cybergore, which came off sounding like a really really bad Frontline Assembly remix CD, or the soundtrack to a really bad 90’s cyber-hacker movie). And I know this is long before Lemmy’s death spawned the “Ace Of Spades” cover craze by every band from rock, metal, country, tin pan alley, speed kazoo, blackened slide whistle thrash, beer gut slapping, etc., but this is still pretty out of place on an otherwise perfect CD. They could’ve skipped this and went for a part two to “Eat Fetal Mush” or “Infernal Haemorrhoids” (yes, that’s how they spell it). You know, the kind of songs for candlelight dinners, walks on the beach and Preparation H ads.
So, what are some of your picks for songs that don’t belong on an otherwise perfect, or at least good, CD?