Stupid Metal Archives Bands Is the Facebook Page You Need in Your Life

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It’s like a daily boost of confidence.

Take a break from staring at pictures of babies and your co-workers’ dogs and check out Stupid Metal Archives Bands, a group dedicated to rooting out the most lolbuttz entries on the internet’s endless void of overwashed black t-shirts and broken MySpace links: the Metal Archives.

The Metal Archives (or the “Encyclopaedia Metallum” if you’re a complete nerd) is scarily efficient at finding and cataloging even the most unconnected, uninteresting goth kids who ever bought a BC Rich Warlock for $100 and half-assedly made a free band webpage in order to post a 26 second guitar riff demo. For example, I just now made up a band in my head. I guarantee within 6 hours it will have a Metal Archives entry, complete with band logo, album release date and song titles (if you’re curious, track 2 is called Lord Cockblast’s Fanciful Fuck Party).

Browsing through the Facebook page, they appear to be doing excellent work. Let’s take a look at some of the gems they’ve unearthed so far.

Rose Cream Rose Scream

rosescream

rosescream_album

You see, when a bunch of dorks and an entire country love each other very much…


Spirits of Abomination

SpiritsOfAbomination

SpiritsOfAbomination_album

More like spellcheck of abomination, am I right?! *high five* I weep for the family members that had to purchase Hot Topic gift cards for Christmas & birthdays to fuel this pile of ass.


Impaled Northern Moonforest Northern Forest

NorthernForest

NorthernForest_releases

In addition to mastering portraits in MS Paint, this guy had seventy-fucking-six releases (I counted) between 2010 and 2013. Granted, they’re all discarded Darkthrone song titles, but still.


Brotherhood of Trucknutz Spine

BrotherhoodOfLolbuttz2

From the “southern metal” capital of the world (Bloomington, IL apparently) comes four hairy sacks of pork rollin’ into your town along the train tracks, the most metal of all promo pic spots, to cause trouble, raise hell & roll coal brother!

BrotherhoodOfLolbuttz3

Hey wait I recognize that one guy!


Basic Necromancy

basicnecromancy2

basicnecromancy_acne

Says it all, really. Be sure to check out their full promo pic for maximum wtf.


Morbidness

morbidnessdude

Elastic waist denim ist krieg.


Check out Stupid Metal Archives Bands on Facebook.

(all images via their bands MA pages)

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Scouring metal archives is always good for a laugh, or info.

  • Dagon

    I am absolutely positive that Northern Forest is from Brasil, based on how he looks and some of those titles.

    –EDIT–

    Hahhaha I fucking knew it. Dude is from a neighbor state. Grim and frostbitten Amazon.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uG34t3rkmN8

    • I knew something was off over there.

      Pvre obscvrity with a frozen caipirinha in a skull goblet.

    • Mailbox Full O Chicken Tenders
      • TheCheezFace

        I found earlier this year that he has a doctor’s degree in Economy, and also looked at his academic curriculum, which is quite extensive. Never would have imagined it.

      • Dagon

        I think he’s an accountant or into finances somehow.

    • TheCheezFace

      Lmao, I guess he got tired of how hot the amazon is and decided to start writing about them frost lands.

      • Dagon

        I’m tired of how hot this shit is.

        • TheCheezFace

          Tell me about it. The last few days have been a little less hot though.

          • Dagon

            I feel like it’s getting better here in the north. In which area are you in again?

          • TheCheezFace

            Southeast, state of MG.

          • Dagon

            Gotcha. You on BH or other city?

            If all works out I’m moving to São Paulo next year.

          • TheCheezFace

            Currently in Barbacena. BH is 2 and a half hours away.

            Cool. I’ve never been to São Paulo. I’m moving to São João del Rei next year for college, if everything goes to plan.

          • Dagon

            My mom actually grew up in Barbacena. She was born here in Belém but grandma and her moved to Barbacena when she was way way young.

          • TheCheezFace

            Oh, really? And what did they think of it?

          • Dagon

            They talk about it every time, specially grandma who’s old and starting to repeat her stories a lot. They loved it. Sounds like a very nice place.

          • TheCheezFace

            It is, for the most part. But these days a lot of people come from other cities to do criminal activities, which is a shame.

            It’s cold too. They used to send people with mental issues here because it was believed that the cold calmed them down. Crazy stuff.

          • Dagon

            I know about the mental issue thing. There were several hospices in the area, right? That still happened when my mom lived there.

          • TheCheezFace

            Someone actually wrote a book about it: http://vejabh.abril.com.br/materia/cidade/livro-detalha-horrores-hospital-psiquiatrico-barbacena/

            Some of them are still around, I believe.

  • D. Lee

    Oh man, I live less than an hour away from Bloomington. Must see this Brotherhood of Spine for maximum lolbuttz

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Same, makes me want to stay away even more.

    • Mailbox Full O Chicken Tenders

      Everything in IL outside of Chicago is lolbuttz.

      • D. Lee

        Can confirm. The number of shootings in my town has skyrocketed in the past couple years. There was just a drive by shooting barely a couple miles from where I live last night

  • Stanley
  • Dagon

    Basic Necromancy are the Hanson of metal.

  • Vote for Jeb

    Scandinavia Inside Me

    • Dagon

      That’s what she said.

      Is this how it works?

      • I think you’ll enjoy this based on your comment.
        http://youtu.be/ewBG_jmMI40

        • Dagon

          Pottery bro was hilarious hahahaha

        • CyberneticOrganism

          BRO I WANT THIS ON A LOOP AT MY FUNERAL DUDE

    • Fine Sexy Ladies

      There’s a frigidity joke in there somewhere.

      • Vote for Jeb

        There are a lot of jokes in there, Ladies. Right in there next to Scandinavia.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          Hey! >:I

          • Based Pingu

            Face it, Finland is a big joke. Just look out our great leaders helping the rich.

          • Guacamole Jim

            But you’re not Scandinavian. They’ve excluded you!

          • Based Pingu

            I thought the joke was next to Scandinavia. Like Finland.

          • Guacamole Jim

            Oh. Yes I see it now. Time to go to the shame corner.

            http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/205/726/shame.gif

          • Based Pingu

            Yes, get in that corner. You’ve been a naughty Jim!

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Hey hey hey, Sipilä did let all those poor immogrants into his mansion.

          • Based Pingu

            Oh yeah, I forgot. Praised be Sipilä. I heard he and the other two S-holes are going to make tax evasion easier. Such nice guys

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Fuckin’ really?

          • Based Pingu

            My buddy told me today. Apparently he was refering to this article. http://www.iltalehti.fi/uutiset/2015102120539667_uu.shtml

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            Fuckfuckfuck this bullshit. First they cut the economic-crimes department’s funding, despite the fact that increasing their funding has always lead into government-savings and now this. I’m moving to fucking Sweden.

          • Based Pingu

            Then there’s this
            http://www.iltalehti.fi/uutiset/2015102020540273_uu.shtml
            Shit’s fucked, I tell you.

          • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

            I… can’t… even…
            Fuck it.

          • Based Pingu
          • i still got that spare bedroom…

          • Based Pingu

            Sorry dude, I will only move to America if pretty much every other country is under Nazi regime.

          • Mailbox Full O Chicken Tenders

            You can say that about virtually any country.

    • I want to hear that Ballad about the arms of Varg.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The Norwegian Inside Me

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain
    • Mailbox Full O Chicken Tenders
  • A recommendation for all of you black metal fiends. Panphage have 2 releases this year, one split with Jarnvidr and one full length. They have an upcoming split with Glum as well that should be released soon. If you like early Taake especially the first full length you’ll dig Panphage . Jarnvidr is good too, they have a full length out from this year as well. Enjoy or don’t.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RMn_JsYWkM
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgLNqnNuHn0
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvmYgQkAwlQ

  • FuckMeInTheEar666

    Is that bob?

  • Viper The Rapper has that Moonforest guy beat. He puts out a new album every hour.

    • Based Pingu

      This one’s my personal favourite

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Buh

    • I laugh with those song titles.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEIcFg6QbPE

      • Vote for Jeb

        That’s true, though. Thuggin’ never fails.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Hahaha, holy shit, from Wikipedia……”Viper is noted for the prolific nature of his work, having released 347 albums in the year 2014 alone…”

      • This is why I need to win the lottery, so I can spend all my time trying to out release Viper and say ridiculous shit along the way.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Gah, Link. Gah indeed.

  • Doesn’t metal achices exclude certain subgenres of metal? We had a discussion on this a while back I think.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      They do.

    • Maik Beninton™

      Nu metal. Only bands there changed their sound like Chimaira.

    • CT-12

      It’s more-so pornogrind/super slammy laptop metal stuff

  • Slipknot is one of my favorite MA entries

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      Mine is Thin Lizzy. I laugh at how idiotic some of the bad reviews are.

      • KJM, Shake Zula

        Anyone who doesn’t dig Thin Lizzy is a clueless git.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          Some people even gave Budgie bad reviews. Those people need to have their ears cleaned out.

        • Based Pingu

          Another name to add to my resume.

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          You should see the reviews of the first three albums with Eric Bell. I never thought people would hate anything of Thin Lizzy. Boy was I wrong.

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Well, at least it’s the original one. I wonder what those guys think of the shit one.

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Meshuggah is only there based on “their early material”, ’cause apparently after Destroy.Erase.Improve they stopped being metal.

  • KJM, Shake Zula
  • KJM, Shake Zula
  • Guppusmaximus

    Seems a bit uneducated to include Lucifer’s Friend in a “Stupid Metal Archive”. They were a pretty bitchin band, imho.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    “If I hang my arms out at my sides like that old Bigfoot video, I’ll look huge dude.”

  • Oscar Aguiar

    this is a great discover man, thank you 🙂

  • TrickleDownOvTacoKvltRiff

    Morbidness: JPP had a band?

  • Waynecro

    Goddamnit. Stop giving me good reasons to get a Facebook account! I refuse to be reasonable about this.

  • 3leggedDog

    Mordbidness Obesity!