Stuff That Makes You Want To Die: The “How to Bree” Kid

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The children are our future misfortune.

In a departure from the last edition of STMYWTD, which featured a thing so menacingly, violently bad it caused me to bury myself alive (something I still haven’t fully recovered from as I type away beneath several feet of topsoil), this edition features something so pointlessly inconsequential and dumb it’s barely worth writing about. Actually, it’s not worth writing about. At all. Which is exactly what makes it so awful.

What comes to mind when you think of slam vocals? A vomiting orc? A dying bullfrog? If you thought “a little bit of both, plus a big wet Juggalo fart,” you’re correct. Slam is a genre that prides itself on making the vocal equivalent of a clogged toilet – the kind of clog that rumbles pipes behind walls and shakes a building’s foundations, threatening a Plinian eruption of fermented sewage on a nearby front lawn, a raving eyewitness account on the local news and a hilarious autotuned remix that goes viral the next day.

Have you ever wanted to try those vocals yourself, but you don’t know where to start? You’re in luck! Because a seasoned pro with 20 years of touring experience little kid in a Halo shirt (also slam’s target audience) has created a lengthy, rambling, unfocused how-to video for you.

 

breekid_3_alt

Marvel at the boredom of someone in between afternoon shits. Also you’ve got a perfectly good rain stick right there, go learn some Inca Son and do something useful.

breekid_2

GAAAAHH WHY ARE THERE TWO OF THEM NOW?

breekid_4

“I’m trying to teach the internet how to bree, mom!! Leave me alone you wouldn’t get it it’s so brutal!! JEEEEZ!!”

breekid_5

And now the maximum cringe-demonstration. Remember kids: don’t try death metal until after puberty.

View post on imgur.com

You know how everyone always wishes they could be a kid again? Count me the fuck out. Having seen this, I’ve never been happier to have bills, a soul-crushing job and the ability to grow a beard. I’ve never been happier to realize my body expands immediately at the slightest morsel of fast food. I’ve never been happier to realize I don’t own anything that says Halo 3 on it (or a rain stick, although I’m kinda halfway on that one).

Seen any videos lately that make you want to die? Share them in the comments below.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    I saw gore metal on the vinyl shelves today only to discover it was the rerecording. Didn’t quite make me want to die, but still.

    • So dumb, I hate that they did that. The original recording is so classic.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        The original did indeed sound slimy and filthy but that was one of the things that made it a classic.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        Considering buying that reanimated dead flesh wax that I’ve seen advertised latel

        • I remember seeing HHR advertising that. I’d love to get my slimy hands on the Final Bloodbath Sessions wax. Real drums make that album so good!

        • sweetooth0

          Not Mortician’s best, but all Mortician is at the very least Mortician.

    • sweetooth0

      Last time I saw em they were selling it at the show. The back of the vinyl has the original art so I thought it was the old school one. Guy told me it was the re-record and that’s all they had. i told him the re-recorded version was crap and I’d just stick with my old CD. Then he went on stage and picked up a guitar and started playing with Exhumed. Ha!

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        I think some versions of the rerecording have the original included.

        • Yeah, the The Secrets of the Black Arts CD I got includes both versions.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            There are two versions of Secrets?

          • Yeah, they recently remastered it.

  • ME GORAK B.C.™

    GORAK NOT HAVE ABILITY 2 GROW BEARD 🙁 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Me neither, Gorak. I stand with you

      • ME GORAK B.C.™

        HAIL!!!!!!!!

    • Dubs

      You’re a caveman… without a beard?

    • Celtic Frosty

      I couldn’t grow a beard until after I turned 30. To a cave man, of course, that basically means never.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Jesus. This is like a high school video speech project that got an F-. Congrats kid, your class thinks you are an idiot now. Not that they didn’t before. Shoulda done “how to change a tire” or “make cookies” like the rest of your assmates.

    • Joaquin Stick

      Not fixing that typo.

      • Dubs

        AFL, assmates for life.

  • “GAH!!!!”.

    (This GAH was provided with the aid of Cybernetic Organism. Visit him and his friends on the Toilet ov Hell for more GAH’s).

    • CyberneticOrganism

      “Gah!” and its derivatives copyright 2016, all rights reserved

  • “Big wet Juggalo fart”

    This seriously fucked me up. I think I need to go home sick.

  • JWEG

    Bad videos? Nope. Good tunes, totally. This is definitely not Lolbuttz: https://artascatharsis.bandcamp.com/album/kurushimi

    Belated hails to @Lacertilian for the gift. #MetalBandcampGiftClub

  • Möthër Shäbübü
    • I am not going to watch this.

      <3

      • I watched and it’s as dreadful as you’d expect. Makes me want to funnel a gallon of bleach.

        • RJA

          It’s the kind of thing that you can watch and than feel pretty good about yourself.

          • I feel pretty good that I don’t play dumbshit music on a neon green keyboard and that I don’t look like the aftermath of Hot Topic bankruptcy.

    • EsusMoose

      This is awful, also either that’s a tiny fucking keyboard or he’s a skinny giant.

      Kinda surprising that the scene kid scene went from metalcore to a shitty mix of metalcore vox and hiphop.

    • Hubert

      ..

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    that’s a nice level

    • Joaquin Stick

      I was like 40% sure that’s what it was too haha.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Well fuck

    • brokensnow

      but is it a NEW

  • Elegant Gazing Globe

    If this is the kind of stuff that my toddler gets into doing in 10 years I’ll be AOK with that.

    • Shrimp in a Pizza Box

      Pretty much everyone here did something really fucking stupid in their teenage years, not many could properly reproduce a Big Wet Juggalo Farting, Dying Bullfrog Vomiting Orc like this kid can though.

      • Elegant Gazing Globe

        When I was in 6th grade a friend of mine and I made a VHS tape of ourselves re-creating the Hole Hearted video for an art project.

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          or maybe it was more than words. I can’t remember exactly. The one where they were on the train in the video.

  • sweetooth0

    I don’t really consider Gutulax slam metal. More porn/goregrind born from the same slime pit as Gut, Rompeprop and Cock and Ball Torture.

    • sweetooth0

      here’s some good ol’ knuckledragging slam: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXKr9CJS6_A

    • Rompeprop rules! The only Gut album I can stand is Odour Of Torture.

      • sweetooth0

        The Singles Collection is very good (all of their old stuff, pre-odour I believe) and several of their later splits are solid also. Cumback has some good tracks, but many abysmal ones.

        • Cumbacks is so fucking bad. Even for Porno-grind standards.

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

      Same thing, slightly different subject matter (even though slam has more than it’s share of ham-brained songs about mutilated vaginas). That’s about the only difference.

  • Not completely relevant, but not completely irrelevant either.

    This dude is trying waaaaay tooo hurd.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRo48zg2iyU

  • Dubs
    • Pitchshifted vocals are the bomb.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqxyxfKiFTc

      • Dubs

        I can definitely dig them in some instances. You said the guy from Revenge does not pitch shift, right?

        • Yup. An example can be heard at 0:33

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d41DzKsIdBQ

          • Dubs

            Siqq.

          • Indeed. Revenge rules! So you’ve heard the news about the new Sect Pig right? The man behind the project is James Read (Drummer of Revenge) if you didn’t know.

          • Dubs

            I am aware of Sect Pig but hadn’t heard the news.

          • Yup, new album is in the works. Will be released through NWN again. Looking forward to it!

          • Dubs

            Oh awesome!

          • REVENGE>>>>>>>>>

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Fallout Prayer is such a sick song name.

          • Revenge don’t disappoint ever.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            DEEEEEAAAATH
            HERITAAAAAAAGE

          • You ever check out Kerasphorus? It’s what Pete Helmkamp went on to do after he left Revenge. Seeing these guys in September.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=–VsXl9y7QY

          • Dubs

            This rules. Guess I’ll add it to the discogs list.

          • You’re headed to a dark place.

          • Dubs

            I KNOW. I can’t stop myself.

          • It’s like getting your first tattoo or buying your first LP.

          • RJA

            No shit. First LP I bought was Willie Nelson “Redheaded Stranger” – been all downhill from there. Still no tattoos, probably better not to start.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            Mine was Paradise Theater by Styx.

          • This I’m sure you’ll dig. More quality shit from Terratur Possessions.

            https://soundcloud.com/terratvr-possessions/whoredom-rife-gitt-til-odin-demo-version

          • RJA

            oh yea – dis be ril gud

        • sweetooth0

          They use pitch shifting for the low vocals.

          • Dubs

            Ah, gotcha.

    • sweetooth0

      Plasma is good stuff, I have one of their old ones, Creeping, Crawling something o other. Reminds me big time of ‘The Day Everything Became Nothing’. BULLDOZER GOREGRIND ASSAULT!

      • The Day Everything Became Nothing dropped out of MDF one of the years I was attending. I can only imagine the heaviness of that band live.

      • Check out that new PULMOMARY FIBROSIS album if you get the chance. It’s very in vein of Last Days Hymns of Indigestible Suppuration.

        • sweetooth0

          I know em, I liked that ‘Interstitial Lung Disease’ album they put out. Luisma from Haemorrhage did the cover. One of the few cases where a picture disc made sense due to the circular image.

  • The kid’s video should’ve been titled “How Not To Make An Instructional Video”.

  • I love that Gutalax video. Fun!

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Stuff that makes me want to die? Everything!

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      At least the weather’s been nice.

      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Well, there is that. And Incineration fest should be sweet I s’pose.

        • Dave Vincent’s Perm

          FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            TRIGGERED

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            You have no idea how much I want to go to Incineration. Fucking nobody plays in yorkshire

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Isn’t Damnation fest in Yorkshire? That often looks pretty nifty to me.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Yeah but Immolation, the band I want to see most probably won’t be at damnation.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Ah, bummer. Well, hopefully they’ll be round your way before too long anyhow.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            They’re playing Manchester on Monday. I just need to figure out a way to get there.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Train? Bus?

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Bus would take two hours. I’m gonna have to rely on the British train ‘service’ which is rather unsettling.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            I’ve generally been ok with trains, except a couple of weeks ago when the service was half train half coach and I got home 90 minutes later than usual. Presumably the services vary quite a bit from place to place though.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Using trains in the north? Hope you like feeling like cattle! As a chap of the taller persuasion it is consistently agonising to have to be squashed into a corner every time a train is slightly crowded.

          • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

            Harsh. I’ve had to huddle on the floor a few times, but I’m skinny and small and like floors.

          • Why the hell not?

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Well they’re only in Britain for a week and damnation is in November. There’s a possibility they’ll come back but I doubt they’ll come to this fucking backwater twice in a year.

          • Aw, gottcha. Sorry to hear brover.

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            I’m gonna find a way to see them it’s just a pain in the arse.

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      that’s the spirit

    • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
      • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

        Cracking tune.

  • I was one webcam away from making a “How to bree bree” video as a kid.

    Thank god for my lack of a webcam

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      Thank *satan*

      FTFY

  • these have been around forever. and, instead of making me want to die, i assert that we should just kill this kid

  • Óðinn

    I also don’t own anything that says Halo 3 on it.

    • The only thing that I currently own that says Halo on it is a bag of mandarins I have in the fridge.

      • Óðinn

        Those are good. I like those.

      • Hubert

        Upvote for Mandarins

        • Óðinn

          Upvoted for upvoting mandarins.

      • Dubs

        Halos are tasty.

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Same. Use em for smoothies.

  • Hubert

    ..

  • Waynecro

    What the actual fuck even is this shit?

    • Elegant Gazing Globe

      a rainstick

      • Waynecro

        A rainstick they probably just used to level the painting hanging on the wall above the table.

        • Elegant Gazing Globe

          my first thought was that they needed to bring the rain to get those new pre-hung doors square

          • Dubs

            I prefer the term flush.

          • Waynecro

            Well played, Dubs.

          • not plumb?

          • Dubs

            That’s fine.

  • Óðinn

    Not a fan of piq squeal vocals.

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    I’ll stick with this Brie instead.

    http://moviehole.net/img/alisonbrie1.jpg

    • youre goddamned right

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        *summons her with my backed up toilet slam vocal mating call*

        • I think you’re doing it wrong

          • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

            Nope! Chicks can’t resist a man who sounds like the Budweiser frogs drowning in a clogged truck stop toilet.

      • Óðinn

        seconded

    • CyberneticOrganism

      How to Brie

    • Unspeakable Axe

      Correct decision.

      • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

        Welcome to the Toilet!

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls
  • Celtic Frosty

    I was a bigoted piece of shit when I was a teenager, so I would’ve been lucky to escape with just a How to Bree Bree video.

    That being said, I’m pretty sure this kid just ruined Slam (a very tall task).

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm

    Ghetto straplocks

  • Lisa Ling: Devourer Of Souls

    Kinda makes me wonder what happened to the slam-only articles that used to be on here way back when. IIRC, it was a weekly thing, sorta like Tech Death Tuesdays and Flush It Fridays.

  • Eliza

    As the average YouTube commenter would put it: “Wow cringe”.