Stuff That Makes You Want To Die: Nightcore

Set your suicide machines to maximum.

Welcome to a new and terrible feature where we’ll be taking a look at the absolute worst of the worst. However, this goes beyond the misguided awfulness of a band’s visual output as seen in the brilliant Shirt Stains and Video Breakdowns. Oh no, friends… this is going to get bad. This is not merely something you can flush and walk away from. This is the black, light-trapping fuzzy scum growing around the base of the toilet itself, right on the fucking floor so you can’t bleach it away unless you get down on your hands & knees and place your head perilously close to the swirling germ-maelstrom of the porcelain bowl and risk breathing in its hellish vapor of tepid water and human undercarriage.

Today we’ll be looking at something called “nightcore.” Right off the bat, the “-core” suffix indicates the shit barometer has already cracked from the stress of trying to measure so much awful shittiness. Don’t worry: it gets much worse.


A coworker I told about nightcore; he said he found the gun at Ruby Tuesday

Like an ancient Greek chimera composed entirely of stuff that sucks ass, the process for creating nightcore appears to be thus: make a normally shitty song hyper shitty by speeding up the tempo, adding crappy Fruity Loops beats and fwooshy electronic garbage sounds, then pitch-shifting the vocals to sound like squealing chipmunks.

The fermented shit cherry on top of this oozing shit cake is the omnipresence of anime waifs in each video, because of course anime has to be involved somehow. Of course. Fuck. The result is the equivalent of a burning landfill scow colliding with a smoldering fertilizer barge that covers your world in a cloud of musical poop-garbage-smoke and even makes Steel Panther sound like Mozart.


I walked up behind this guy staring at a gray wall and told him about nightcore; not sure if he went to Ruby Tuesday also

Go ahead, take a listen and hate yourself forever.

Holy fucking christ. On a scale of 1-10 for how much this makes you want to die, this rates a “forget the 1-10 scale entirely and just lay down in heavy traffic.” Preferably during a snowstorm in a major southern US city where people freak out on the roads, and your bones will be slooowly and inefficiently scraped of your flesh by a rusty snow plow driven by a man named Boone G. Judson.

Oh fucking hell… this particular one makes you want to die by ingesting something. Options: drain cleaner, liquid hot magma, nuclear reactor water, pumice/sulfur smoothie, mercury, etc. You’ll want to savor the nuanced notes of toxic poisons as they break down the cellular structure of your esophagus and seep directly into your bloodstream, causing immense pain and suffering, but which is still preferable to the above video. Also WHY DO THESE HAVE SO MANY GODDAMNED VIEWS.

Pure and utter torture. Right now you’re considering a spontaneous road trip to the mountains, a long, invigorating hike to a high and beautiful peak, a satisfying picnic lunch with an expensive bottle of wine or scotch, an enthusiastic farewell to the world and a running jump off said peak to cleanse the memory of this shit from your mind by violently dashing it on the jagged rocks below. Bonus points if your corpse is urinated upon by a goat.


… nah, that’s it for me. This really did make me want to die. Mission accomplished, nightcore. I’ve had a good run, I suppose. I didn’t quite get to do everything I wanted to in life but I had fun nonetheless.

*changes into funeral formalwear*

I’m actually okay with this, we’re always talking about the blackness of the void and whatnot, so now I’ll get to see it firsthand! Cool!

*steps into freshly-dug grave*

My old band buddies can split my gear between them, my family can have the rest of my stuff. One of you guys can have my sweet bike if you want it.

*scoops dirt over self*

Someone else can take the next entry, but you’ll probably lose another writer. It’s up to you guys. I’m off to meet the sweet, cold embrace of death. Hasta la vista!

*smooths dirt over grave with one hand, pats it down like a cartoon*

*pulls remaining hand into earth forever*


*is relieved*

(images via via via)

Written by:

Published on: February 24, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Not Metal

Views: 1770

Tags: , , , , ,

  • Dubs

    That looks like a sturdy carbon-fiber shovel. Honestly, I’ll take a good carbon-fiber one over a wooden one any day.

    • Thanks, Dubs. Now I know what to get you for the next holiday.

      • Dubs

        You have to know the shovel you’re leaning on is going to support your weight when you’re standing around not working.

        • See, I’m more concerned with whether or not it will withstand the rocks and compacted dirt a couple feet down while I’m finishing up my own grave.

          • Dubs

            Yes, it will work for that.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            How do you feel about making your own headstone? I think it would be worth the effort to save money for planning your funeral

    • Those handles are actually fiberglass.


      • Dubs

        Shoot, you’re right. I mixed it up. Used to do landscaping during the summers when I was a lad, and I always preferred the fiberglass shovels.

        • Don’t worry, I will continue to keep my engineering services on retainer. That is why you guys pay me the big bucks.

        • Waynecro

          I’m actually looking to buy a shovel right now. I did a lot of dirt moving for beer money when I was a teen, and I always used busted wooden-handle shovels. Now that I have a choice in the matter, I’ll check out the fiberglass ones. Thanks!

          • I know what you need that shovel for and…

            …I approve wholeheartedly.

          • Waynecro

            Yes, repairing fence posts. Just repairing fence posts. Nothing else. Nothing criminal and macabre at all.

          • “Say neighbor, what’re ya diggin’ that big hole fer?”

            “… … … China …”

            “HaHA, that’s a kneeslapper!”

          • Waynecro

            After I fix the fence posts, any big holes I dig in my yard relate to gopher problems. Nothing sinister or illegal. Not at all. I’m just trying to catch gophers.


  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This is some of the worst music I’ve ever heard. This makes Illud Divinum Insanus look like a modern classic. I’d rather hear the sound of silence than ever listen to this again and I hate silence.

    • Vault Dweller

      Silence isn’t so bad, man. You grow to appreciate it over time.

      Like when you hack a Super Mutant into a thousand pieces, but then some little kid in the corner starts crying because the eternal conflict between humans and muties scares him. So you ‘silence’ him to relieve the tension in your addled brain, but the psycho coursing through your veins makes you do it a little more ‘forcefully’ than you intended. Oops. But at least now it’s fucking *quiet*. That helps your mental state quite a bit.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        The silence makes me think about my life so far. I don’t want to think about that.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      100% correct.

  • I prefer Nightkin.

  • Sir Tapir The Based


  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    This bullshit makes me want to light myself on fire like the monk in Vietnam who lit himself on fire in protest of the Vietnam War. Like that monk I want to light myself on fire in protest of this anime loving garbage.

  • Spear

    All I want to know is how this shit got so prolific. It’s fucking everywhere.

    • Eliza

      Hardcore anime fans can be scary.

  • Sir Tapir The Based

    “I love how people are hating on Nightcore in the comments. If you don’t like Nightcore why the fuck did you click this video?”
    – Fritz Worley (has Shadow the Edgehog as profile pic)

  • Boss the Ross

    It has so many views because you posted it and made us watch it.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    Very glad to know I have no idea what this shit is.

  • Nativian Taco

    I’m going to lay on the side of the road, and pretend I’m dead in protest.

    • You are a protesting hero, frand.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    In Flanders Field the poppies grow, between the crosses row on row to mark the dead.
    To Flanders Field the weebs go, to smoke the poppies there below and feed their heads.

  • The worst part about posting “nightcore” videos is that we are in fact in some way legitimizing this swill by bringing the music to light.

  • Sounds like Justin Bieber rhyming over Attack Attack! That’s a shit sandwich complete with condiments.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      This music is proof that God is dead and we killed him.

  • Richard Christy remembers friend and bandmate Steve Childers (Black Witchery & Burning Inside). Great read.

    • I enjoy metalinsider once a day. Diverse articles, at times. Neat

      • Wouldn’t know. This was a quality read though.


    are we sure this isnt just a gag by MC Chris?

  • Monkey D. Luffy, Pirate King

    Nightcore makes me want to do this to the creator of nightcore,
    And then this to myself.

  • Capra Hircus Hubertus



  • Dan Burton

    But this is music for children.


    let this comment mark both my entry and exit from this post

    • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

      Noted. You brave soul.

      • Dave Vincent’s Perm

        No. No. No. No.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Doesn’t count, it’s just played at double speed with the pitch preserved *whew*

          • Dave Vincent’s Perm

            Well that’s fucking worse, if you’re going to ruin a song you may as well own it.

          • Gotcha! I was just clickbaiting huehuehue

    • Your avatar always makes my anus comfortable.

        • Link,

          You are out of control.

          Ur frand,


          • ¡Jajajajajajaja! I haven’t stopped to laugh with those pics and song selections.

            They even have a sped up Silencer song!!!

            And just for you!!


          • I’m going to get cut on these edgy as fuqq covers.

          • ¡JAJAJAJAJA!

            I am really laughing at how the metal nightcore thingys always have the edgiest covers with little girls and blood and shit.

          • Probably Elfen Lied’s legacy in effect.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            thats a tite anime tho, as far as anime goes

          • Eliza

            I’ve started reading the manga after watching this anime. There are some interesting ideas in Elfen Lied.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            you should look up Naoki Urasawa’s Monster. hands down fav manga and anime. in fact, its the only manga i own

          • Eliza

            I plan on watching/reading this when I have the time. I’ve heard amazing things about it.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            i cant recommend it highly enough. its the kind of anime that people who dont like anime can get behind

          • Eliza

            Like Cowboy Bebop.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            its way better than cowboy bebop, and theres nothing cheeky about it

          • Eliza

            Then it seems like an anime I’ll enjoy.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            its so dark. like the DSBM of animes

          • Are there? The only thing I ever saw anyone talk about after the fact was the gore and the guy-cousin-murderbot love triangle

          • Eliza

            The fact that the scientists made the diclonii into monsters that they are, for example.

          • Isn’t that fairly standard storytelling device for monsters, though? Man creates monster, monster destroys man? And I know the ‘girl created in a lab’ bit has its roots in Evangelion, at least.

          • Eliza

            It is, but I guess that’s something too.

          • Eliza

            No! Why did they have to stain Gojira too?

          • “Stain” is the right word. No idea who thought this MURDER FOR SENPAI DESUUUUU ^_^ cover fit the song at all.

          • Eliza

            That picture was there to make the otaku listening to that feel edgy.

          • What else is a bro to do when he finishes binging the latest season of Young Girl Stabby Blood Smile Time? ¯_(ツ)_/¯

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            This is an affront to god. Whoever did this must be delivered swift and severe punishment but they still walk this earth.

          • People that makes Nightcore are killed by their own explosions.


        • NO ANIME

      • COAL ROLL

        pucker up buttercup


    its better to just listen to some OSBM

    • Only Carpathian Forest I ever feel like listening to.


        some o their later material gets some better riffs but also kinda doofy

        • But it doesn’t get trees n shit tho 🙁

          • DVRKBEVRD

            which, with a name like theirs, one would hope they would have went that way

          • Right? Kinda disappointing for me when I was first getting into black metal.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            even tho i was a latecomer to BM, it always surprised me too. but Through Chasms . . . is a tiiiiiite ep

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Agreed. Their early demo sound is untouchable for blustery winter frvstbittenness.

          • Fucking A it is!

        • Such a hit and miss band.

          • DVRKBEVRD

            whats your favorite osbm band?

          • Hellhammer or Celtic Frost.

  • Eliza

    You know what’s the mother of all coincidences? My little sister is currently obsessed with Nightcore and plays these songs constantly.

    • I would call it more of a tragedy than a coincidence.


      • Eliza

        Well, I thought it was a coincidence because this article was posted here at around the same period of time as my sister’s interest in Nightcore is growing. A tragic coincidence.

    • Stockhausen
      • Eliza

        Good idea!

    • she’ll come around. you can teach her the ways.

    • Is my sneaking suspicion that you’re a WataMote fan correct?

      • Eliza

        Yes! I love that manga so much!

        • Hey, alright, another fan on the Toilet! I’ve only seen the anime, though.

          • Eliza

            The manga is still going on and Tomoko’s character got a lot of development.

          • Ah, that’s good to hear. I’d heard somewhere that Tomoko doesn’t really get any character development in the Manga and that it was basically mining her crippling social anxiety for black comedy the whole time. Which can be funny for a while, but I feel that would just get depressing over time. Glad to hear that’s not the case though.

          • Eliza

            She slowly finds it easier to speak to people, it’s actually really beautiful to witness.

          • I’ll have to go through that at some point in the near future, then.

    • IronLawnmower

      Try acid in her face

  • Guacamole Jim

    I’m so confused right now. It’s literally just sped up versions of existing songs? Also, David Draiman sounds hilarious in nightcore.

    • OMG, this is a gold mine, Guac!!!

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        No Link! Bad Link!

        • We need to jam Link’s linking capabilities.

      • Guacamole Jim

        It’s like Alvin and the Chipmunks covered Disturbed. And while the initial “OOH WAH AH AH AH” is amazing, the monologue about his mom hitting him is solid gold.

        • I can’t.

        • DISCLAIMER: “No chipmunks were harmed during the making of this recording”.

      • Eliza

        I give up on life.


      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I never thought that I’d feel bad for David Draiman but I do now.

        • No one should feel bad for David Draiman.

          • Janitor Jim Duggan

            After that abomination everyone should. He didn’t deserve this.

          • Ok. man.

      • Rob M

        How the fuck do you cover “Down with the Sickness”…and make it worse??!!!

        Thats like a thing that shouldnt even be possible


    • From what I’m listening is just sped up and tuned up existing songs. It seems to relate to what MLG videos mocked: this generation lousy and almost sick preferences in music, anime,videogames and cyber aesthetic.

  • Stockhausen

    Dibs on Cybernetic’s sweet bike.

    So I can ride it off a cliff into death’s cold embrace, where nightcore can torture me no longer.

  • I see the Void opening before my eyes

    • ¡Ahhh! The most sentimental songs seems to have more “emo” like images.

  • @zackmuenz:disqus, if my Anthrax review hurt our friendship, can our mutual dislike for nightcore mend it?

  • Eliza

    I guess it’s the perfect time to share this monstrosity. Fuck the person who made this shit.

    • Maik Beninton™

      I remember checking Nightcore once, I thought it would be some sort of dark hardcore. So I click on Angel of Darkness and I turn it off right away, and I never got close to it ever again. I honestly never thought I would see it again, especially in this site.

      • Eliza

        I figured that there was more weeb bashing stuff going to come, but never did I think that we were going to be tortured with nightcore.

      • I never heard of this until today. Thanks to Cybro.

  • Maik Beninton™

    Nightcore is a low hanging fruit when it comes to hate weeb shit.

  • looking forward to more of these, cybro! let the hate flow through the toilet…

  • it’s all fvcking heresy

    I’ll admit back when I was in high school I went through a phase where I listened to a ton of different types of Techno but I never listened to Nightcore. Congrats on speeding up a song by a quarter. It’s not original and the weeb art you put along with it you more than likely didn’t get approval to use.

  • Waynecro

    Man, this shit really is terrible. And that’s coming from a dude who doesn’t hate anime and whatever the hell this is:
    In an attempt to preserve whatever metal cred I have left, let me just say that I saw Abigail Williams, Carach Angren, and Fleshgod Apocalypse last night. Genitals thoroughly brutalized.

    • How was Carach Angren live, Waynecro?

      • Waynecro

        They were fucking awesome. They were tight as hell and sounded absolutely massive despite having no bass player. It was like black-metal story time. Totally worth staying out late on a work night.

        • Ohh, man. That’s cool. I like their stage setting!

          • Waynecro

            Very theatrical for sure. They were energetic as fuck, man. They were not slacking off at all. The crowd went fucking nuts when they played “Bloodstains on the Captain’s Log.”

          • Carach Angren, Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Burguer…

            Those bands get all the bashing from the kvlt, but from an overall perspective I truly enjoy their stage antics. Each of them have a very theatrical, like you said, setting. They are cool bands to check on live because they play music with a storyteller mindset.

          • Waynecro

            Yeah, and Carach is especially interesting to me because they’re basically setting awesome horror stories to black metal. The way the singer jerks around while barking these incredibly grim tales is really quite a spectacle.

    • it’s all fvcking heresy

      So this kinda thing would be right up your ally then right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      • Waynecro

        That shit cracks me up.

        • it’s all fvcking heresy

          That bit at 2:28 always makes me lose my shit.

          • Waynecro

            That’s comedy gold, man.

      • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom


  • Count_Breznak

    Nightcore – Filosofem. Go.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    This post hurts too many feelings and puts very bad things in your head but hey, luckily darkness could give you some relief:

    • mm, this is pretty cavernous, it’ll do in a pinch!

      • 365ChaosRiddenDays

        Their upcoming album “Abyss of Excruciating Vexes” will be releaed this March via Hellthrasher Productions but there’s no release date yet but in the meantime you can hear another song called “Isolation” on Soundcloud. They’re pretty similar to Abyssal, this track is more suffocating and chaotic and violent.

        • you mentioned the ‘A’ word. i’ll drop almost anything to investigate…

    • Sounds disgusting!

  • pïgchop™

    Another reason why you should probably not let that hot chick (you meet at a concert) sit up on your shoulders during her favorite song.

  • Rob M

    There is not enough underground black metal on the planet to scrub this abomination from my earholes

  • ProfoundHatred

    First those stupid fucking reactions emoticons appear on facebook, then I’m made aware of the existence of this garbage. God damn it, Wednesdays suck.

  • InfinityOfThoughts

    I have finally realized I’m getting old, because this to me is just like that “teen wave” episode of South Park: all I hear is shit coming through the speakers.

  • Pentagram Sam

    Lost it at *dies*

    *is relieved*

  • Flying Hairy Uvula Of Doom

    Goatdayum, this is awful! Sounds like some of the absolute worst industrial from the mid-90’s (I’m looking at you, Gravity Kills!). It’s gotta be bad if even anime can’t save it.

  • IronLawnmower

    When I was 14 and wanted to be a youtube lets player I got into a fight with a girl I knew who did nightcore over who could get the most views. It was a clash of shit. She ended up hacking into my youtube and deleting all the videos which, with the benefit of hindsight is a good thing. Turns out she was a literal sociopath though.

    • CyberneticOrganism


  • Matt Pike’s Sweaty Left Nipple

    Yea… noooo…