Start Your Own Venom-Clone Band: A Toilet Ov Hell How To

Venom is one of the most influential heavy metal bands of all time. Complain all you want, but there is no denying that fact and you would be foolish to even try. What you would not be foolish to try, however, is forming your very own Venom-clone band. Here is a quick, 5-step process to get you on your feet.

STEP 1 – Listen to Venom

Naturally, in order to start your own Venom-clone band, you must be familiar with Venom’s music. This should be the most obvious step on the list, but there is not any other place to start. Now, when I say “be familiar with Venom’s music” I don’t mean have a passing knowledge of the band’s catalog; I am talking full-fledged devotion to all things Venom. You have to listen to Venom daily, no matter what the cost. You should be able to make it through their discography at least 5 times in a week. If you can’t, then you obviously are not trying hard enough so just give up right now. And yes, their ENTIRE discography, you heard me. NON-CRONOS ALBUMS STILL COUNT! Don’t be a ninnywit and try to pull off just sticking with their first 2 albums, that won’t fly. TOTAL VENOM DEVOTION. Cast in Stone and The Waste Lands are just as crucial as Black Metal and Welcome To Hell, mark my words. In short, lay down your souls to the gods, rock ‘n roll. Actually, ONLY listen to Venom, no other bands are needed in your life if you want to be the perfect Venom-clone band. Venom in your ears 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no substitutes.

STEP 2 – Dress Like Venom

The visual aesthetic is crucial to creating the perfect Venom-clone band. Cronos and the gang have always kept a certain spunk to their wardrobe and if you want to be just like them you MUST adhere to the following rules.

1. Wear Black and only black. White is allowed and occasionally red, but all black, all the time.

2. No shirts. There is nothing like your bare muscled chest to prove allegiance to Black Metal. If you absolutely have to wear a shirt though it must, in some way, be related to Venom and under no circumstances are sleeves allowed. Cut your sleeves so you can show off your guns to the roaring crowds.

3. Spandex pants. You see how every other band is wearing black denim jeans? They are wrong and will never reach Venom’s level of credibility. Why spandex pants you ask? It won’t restrict any stage antics and allows you to move quickly out-of-the-way for any misguided pyrotechnic displays, duh.

4. Studs. Wear pyramid studs wherever you can fit them. Around your neck, biceps, waist, ankles, thighs and wrists, on your guitar straps and in your hair are all preferable locations. None of those crusty cone studs either; you’re a metal band. Pyramids studs til death! Chains are okay, but only when paired with pyramid studs.

5. Boots, at least knee-high, are a must. You cannot complete your wardrobe without them. Leather only, see rule #1 for color options.

6. Accessories are optional, but must be limited to; aviator sunglasses, snakes, skulls, bullet belts, more pyramid studs, axes and ninja weapons for photo-shoots, and smoke machines.

STEP 3 – Write Lyrics Like Venom

Okay, you’ve made it this far. You listen to Venom while wearing your spandex pants now. Good, good. Since you are now more than familiar with their music, you should have picked up on a few of their lyrical tropes. First and foremost, write something evil. This should be fairly simple; all you have to do is jumble a bunch of dark, evil and ominous words together to form a basic story and you’re golden blackened. For example:

“I walked out in the street that night

Darkness surrounded me

Evil demons, ghouls and wicked sprites

Devoured my soul, you see

Now I’m dead and the night is black

Evil Lucifer in command

He hung me up on his morbid rack

And now my howls fill this land

UUUGGGHHHAHAHAHA”

It really is that simple. I made that up in one minutes’ time. Not hard at all. Now, during your writing and recording process, you must have the “cringe” track. Black Metal wouldn’t be Black Metal without “Teacher’s Pet” now would it? This step is crucial. You must make your listener feel awkward and sexually insecure at least once per album and you are obligated to write no less than one song in this vein. I won’t show you what I wrote for this portion of the step, but I’m sure your disgusting brain can come up with something.

STEP 4 – Write Music Like Venom

venom-tabs

name that tune!

To begin this step properly you must first own instruments worthy of the music you plan on playing. To start off see rule #1 from step 2. Now that the color is chosen, you MUST have a guitar and bass that could double as a weapon. Whether you choose the classic Flying V or the extreme BC Rich Ironbird, your instrument must have points. The more points the better, as this will help with your evil and dark aesthetic, so run with it. Drums must also adhere to the color scheme but your drummer will need more toms and cymbals than he knows what to do with. Go big or go home. Just don’t think about using any of the extras.

Now that your instruments are chosen, time to write some tunes. So you’ve been taking guitar lessons for 15 years and have mastered the art of tapping arpeggios? Yeah, throw that shit out. You know all of the major and minor chords? Can play fluidly through the Mixolydian and Dorian scales? That’s nice, but throw that shit out too. Two words: POWER CHORDS. That’s it. Power chords and open string tremolos are all you need. See those dots on your guitar? Just follow them and you are set. Want to solo? Not necessary, but if you must just play a bunch of sped up Chuck Berry licks. Pretty simple really. Drums just need to follow along and keep the beats primal, no fancy stuff or you’ll show up the rest of the band. Just sit there and keep those bass pedals moving.

STEP 5 – Play Live Like Venom

So now that you have the attitude, the aesthetic, the lyrics and the music of Venom down, you just need to get out there and do it! Here are a few key points to remember, however. Venom was best served as a 3 piece. Sure a 2nd guitar can help fill out your sound, but remember that it isn’t necessary. And one of your musicians better sing, none of this frontman, wannabe part of the band, bullshit. THREE MEMBERS. Got that? Before each show make sure you get completely hammered. Not just a little tipsy, I’m talking slobberknockered, falling down, playing out of tune and off-beat, DRUNK. After you get wasted, be sure to insult your audience, their mothers, the venue you’re playing and the venue owner’s mother. Basically, do all you can to get thrown out and banned from ever playing there again. Nothing is too much. If it seems like a good idea after you get drunk, that means IT IS A GOOD IDEA and you should do it.

Jump around, break stuff and show off your muscles even if they are nonexistent. On top of your physical prowess, pyrotechnics are another crucial element to your live presence. Fire and explosions are metal and if you don’t have some form of them during each song, pack up and go home. Finally, we get to playing the actual music. Remember what I said about throwing everything you know about music out the window? That still pertains here. You WILL forget your songs halfway through your drunken stupor and you WILL keep playing. When in doubt, feedback is your friend. If your disgusting guitar tone isn’t aurally assaulting the remnants of your audience, barrage them with a high-pitched onslaught of feedback frequencies. Trust me, they will thank you for it.


So there you have it, a surefire way to forming your own successful Venom-clone band.

Now go forth and slay, ye mighty bastards!

Written by:

Published on: November 30, 2016

Filled Under: Lolbuttz, Metal

Views: 1010

Tags: ,

  • W.

    Really enjoyed this. I dunno if I’d describe any of the dudes as particularly muscly, though. They’re no Joseph B. Thrashnkill.

  • SupremeKrieg

    Fvck yes. Venom. Fvckin warriors right there.

  • Howard Dean

    Haha, anyone see this? They’re still trying to do this Tech Death Tuesday shit, apparently. I wrote a comment calling them out on their thievery but it got deleted. Hahaha. Fuckers.

    http://www.metalinjection.net/av/tech-death-tuesday/tech-death-tuesday-enjoy-two-more-2016-gems-from-mithras-and-riftwalker

    • W.

      Not surprised it was deleted. Weeber got beef with the toilet.

      • Mosh Hoff

        He needs more quinoa and less beef.

      • Sir Crawfish The Based

        Must be because of the “No Anime” rule.

        • W.

          I’ll never apologize for that.

          • I will bury you

          • W.

            No you won’t. You need me. We’re like Batman and the Joker.

          • Can I please not be the Joker

          • W.

            The joker clearly likes anime, tho.

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Must not google “anime joker”

          • Ted Nü-Djent ™

            Results show images of Jared Leto

    • Dumpster Lung ᴰᵃᵐᵃᵍᵉ_ᴵⁿᶜ⁸⁹

      Is that why it’s Thursday here? Or is that to just mix it up so it’s not overlappingThis Toilet Tuesday?

      • Howard Dean

        Nah, Metalinjection stole the idea from the Toilet. Tech Death Thursday existed first.

      • W.

        We started it first way back at the beginning. We always did it on Thursdays. Weeber’s column came after ours.

        • Dumpster Lung ᴰᵃᵐᵃᵍᵉ_ᴵⁿᶜ⁸⁹

          Ah ok so this one was already Thursday from the start. I figured you guys came first, but wasn’t sure if it was always Thurs.

          • W.

            Indeed. It was one of our first regular things and has perhaps been our most consistent column. Perhaps only surpassed by Toilet Tuesday.

          • Howard Dean

            And “Dropping the Gloves,” of course.

          • W.

            I think I may honestly be the only person who read that entire stele.

          • Howard Dean

            So I just searched the site for it. Does it not exist anymore?

          • W.

            Hmm. No clue, tbh.

          • Howard Dean

            Just found it. You lay down a pretty siqq joke at the top of the comment section. Haha.

            http://www.toiletovhell.com/nhl-2014-15-season-predictions-and-a-column-introduction/

          • W.

            lol

        • Ted Nü-Djent ™

          I suggested to Bauer early on that Tech Death Tuesday (purely because the title sounded zippier) would be better. I was told no because Thursdays suck. I still don’t even know how Thursdays suck. I also don’t know what point I’m trying to make here

    • SupremeKrieg

      Fvckin metal injection, fvckin shit posers.

    • Spear

      “Mithras have always toyed with tying together death metal’s past with a sound akin to Morbid Angel”

      wat

      • Howard Dean

        One of the most nonsensical things I’ve ever read, but certainly doesn’t surprise me coming from that shitpile of a webpage.

  • You left out the last, and easiest step:

    6) Don’t suck like Venom

  • GL

    I think my favorite Venom album is their 1995 full length Domination.

    GL

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I like Calm Before the Storm a lot.

      • GL

        Totally. I thought they made it sound a lot like Ride the Lightening. Which was neat!

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Huh, I hadn’t quite looked at it like that.

          • GL

            cant tell if srs.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Dead serious. I’ve never made that correlation before, haha

          • GL

            I was trying to make a dumb joke about it sounding like a Metallica album that did not exist when Calm Before the Storm was made…. until I released that Calm Before the Storm was made in 87′ and the Metallica album was actually made… making me an idiot.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Silly GL, trix are for kids!

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Your first joke was a good, second not so much.

          • GL
          • CyberneticOrganism

            *sad Charlie Brown music*

    • It’s a tie among From Teh Very Depths, Black Merol, and Merol Black

      • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

        Merol Black? Dude…

        • I’m kidding. I’ve heard one Venom song and it wasn’t for me.

    • SupremeKrieg

      The fvck? That’s a fvckin Morbid Angel album.

      • GL

        No, it is clearly a Anvil album, silly.

      • “Thvt’s thv jvkv.”
        -McBvvn

  • Mosh Hoff

    “sped up Chuck Berry licks”

    You just accurately described the genre of Speed Metal in five words and made ms chortle while in class and the same time. Congratulations, my sir.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      My work here is done.

  • RJA

    “You WILL forget your songs halfway through your drunken stupor and you WILL keep playing.” probably my favorite line out of many great ones – nice work Boss!

    I like Venom – but, I’ve never been concerned with talent:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d71b7P3SxyM

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Haha! This was fun to write, thanks for the feedback!

    • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

      The Shaggs rule!

  • Hey I can do all these things, what’s the pay like?

    • Do you like free or discounted beer at shows?

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        Yes.

      • Yes, that would help me excel at step 5 tremendously.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      The pay is debt

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        For every 1 real dollar you would gain, you loose 5.

      • Unemployment is looming in the spring so I need to figure out my next career move.

      • Howard Dean

        Debt can be pretty sexy, though. It doesn’t dilute your ownership the same way equity financing does, and the interest tax shield on qualifying interest is pretty legit. There is that.

  • Dave Vincent’s Perm
    • Zeke

      the only cool looking bc rich in my opinion

      • CyberneticOrganism
        • Zeke

          haha, look at the fucking thing! why would anyone ever need a double neck bass?? on the FB page someone posted a picture of rush where geddy and alex were both playing 4 neck guitars/basses. THAT is a perfect image to explain why I don’t like rush

          • CyberneticOrganism

            It’s brilliant because it’s pointless

          • Zeke

            can you just imagine going to a local show and the idiot bass player of your friend’s crappy band walked out with a bc rich double bass?

          • CyberneticOrganism

            Seriously though, if I ever had an opportunity to buy that thing where it didn’t cost as much as a car, I’d use it all the goddamn time. Zero fucks given.

          • Zeke

            I’ve never played a double neck guitar. aside from the fact that I have no use for it, my impression has always been that they are too heavy to make them enjoyable to play

          • CyberneticOrganism

            I’m sure it weighs like 40 lbs. Hello back problems.

          • Kevin Nash’s Jackknife

            I saw a shitty local bands guitarist use a double neck guitar once. He didn’t even use both necks.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            Apparently you don’t Spinal Tap…

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            The 4 neck was photoshop, by the way hahah

          • Zeke

            ahhhhhhhhhhh. well the fact that I believed it should tell you all you need to know about my opinion of rush

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            That you think RUSH is the greatest band in the world?!?!

  • Jack Rabbit

    Nice article, but you forgot the all important step of choosing a stage name that no one will ever think is cool

  • more beer

    I saw Venom 3 times. At the end of the second show Cronos tried to break his bass over his leg repeatedly. Well that didn’t work out so well. It looked like he hurt himself. Then decided to smash his bass on the stage. He did not attempt that the next night.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Haha, holy shit!

      • more beer

        It was pretty funny.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Sounds painful as hell. He was probably on Angel Dust…

    • Óðinn

      Lemmy just had to look at his bass in a certain way and it would just break for him. True story.

  • Heliocrat

    Welcome to Hell is bad. Used to own it on wax, sounds so fucking bad… and I like lo-fi shit. That thing is an attack on the ears and not the good kind.

    • Heliocrat

      I don’t hate Venom, simply don’t give a shit about them.

  • Buttzfeed articles >>>>>>>>>

    • Howard Dean

      “Employees at Guitar Center Hate Him!”

      • Max

        “Right Now Everybody is Cancelling Their Netflix Subscriptions Because of This One Show!”

        And I still haven’t figured out which show it is.

        • Howard Dean

          Antiques Roadshow

          PBS MASTER RACE

        • CyberneticOrganism

          Jesus Is My Co-Trucker | Hosted by Larry the Cable Guy

  • KyleJMcBride

    During the early 80s, the only people I knew who liked Venom were Punks and Skinheads.

    • more beer

      Makes sense I saw them with Warzone and the Cro Mags one night and Carnivore the following night.

    • Óðinn

      I liked them, but I was probably in the minority. I had their first 3 albums in the 80s. Of course, it wasn’t unusual to have punk and metal bands (heavy bands) playing together back then. It’s not like it is now, where there are so many specialized genres and you have to only tour with other bands from the same sub-genre.

  • Joaquin Stick
  • GL

    Anyone peep the new Mohicans yet?

    https://mohicans.bandcamp.com/

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Will peep

  • Waynecro

    Outstanding work as always, Boss. Man, I always forget how much I love Calm before the Storm when I haven’t listened to it for a while. Hearing “Black Xmas” always makes me feel like a drunk teenager again. What’s the rule for wearing a mesh tank top when you’re starting a Venom-clone band? I don’t have any spandex or leather, but I just got a mesh tank top from my parents as a gag gift.

    • High on Vallenfyre

      I’d say go for it. It’s pretty much shirtless.

      • Waynecro

        That’s what I was thinking. It’d be nice to get some use out of the shirt that doesn’t involve wearing it to make new friends at clubs in West Hollywood.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Mesh tank top works, go for it!!!

      Need a bass player/howler?

      • Waynecro

        Sweet! I usually play bass, but I think my guitar skills are good enough for a Venom-clone band. I really think sobriety will be my stumbling block here.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          I got guitar covered! For some reason I had forgotten you were a bass player and thought you played guitar.

          • Waynecro

            Well, I do play guitar but only to write music. I’ve never played guitar in a band.

          • Señor Jefe El Rosa

            We’ll figure it out! Ine thing is for certain, we need a drummer

          • Waynecro

            Finding a drummer has been my problem with bands for as long as I can remember. When I was playing in bands, no one in town could blast. I got a drum machine back in the day, but I was never sober enough to learn how to use the damn thing.

  • Max

    Say what you will about Venom. They might be ridiculous and musically not very good. But history seems to be smiling on them a lot more kindly than it’s smiling on Black Flag, even if Henry Rollins thought they sucked.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Dude, Venom slay! I have no problems with them at all. I just thought this was a funny concept

      • Max

        All good, man! I enjoyed the article.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          Haha, thanks man!

  • Count_Breznak

    You missed one important point: Posture.
    Your boots must be at least 5 ft apart from each other, at all times.

  • mother☆shabubu

    Step 5: dismiss other genres.

    Step 6: Acclaimed Metal Vocalist George Clake of Deafheaven.

  • Top shelf lolbuttz, Boss.

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Thankee, good sir.

  • The God Emperor of Mankind

    *Lifts to Welcome To Hell* *Posers and Heretics die in droves*

  • Pierre Generic

    You’re Wild, Boss! WIIIIILLLDDD!

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      Hahaha!!! Thanks!

      I think…

  • Óðinn

    Lay down your soul to the gods rock ‘n roll
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPItv4Zjt4w

  • Óðinn
  • Óðinn

    My Venom clone band will be called Slayer. We’ll be huge.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp_ZwG1inEc

    • GoatForest

      I’ll call mine, Sodom.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        I’ll call mine, Poison. Wait…

        • GoatForest

          Oooh, that’s unfortunate.

      • Óðinn

        Great name.

  • Óðinn
    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      That. Is. Awesome.