Splintered Halo – The Dark Side Of Oz: A Video Breakdown

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From the Wizard of Oz, not from the HBO show about prison.

Sometimes I come across something for Video Breakdown where I just have to stop and ask someone else to watch it just to make sure the video really exists. It is just so strange and weird that it can’t possibly be real, and yet, here we are. I’ve asked my fellow Toilet Ov Hell writers to watch the video and weigh in with comments and reactions, so they will be sprinkled throughout the breakdown.

Splintered Halo is a Glasgow, Scotland-based metal band. I know “metal band” sounds as generic as possible, but that’s because I’m not really sure how to classify them. They self-identify as “Character Metal”. Character metal. Character. Metal. I…I don’t know what that means. Our handsome editor W suggests that it is something along the lines of cosplay, but with instruments. The band also says that they “specialize in bizarre stage shows and songs based on various characters from history, films, TV shows, books and comics.” Take a look at the video and see if that description fits. If you watch one music video this year, make sure it is this one.

0:04: Trumpcare: Day 1
0:05: MoshOff: “Five seconds of music. What even this is.”
0:08: She better hope her nose doesn’t start to itch.
0:13: If there’s one thing psychiatric hospitals are known for, its letting you wear thigh-high socks.
0:18: Man, KISS will sell the image to anything these days!
0:22: Huh. Her head was full of delicious Smucker’s strawberry jelly.
0:25: “Please…send…Chapstick…”
0:29: Ever since the Lord of the Rings movies ended, Sauron has been taking jobs wherever he can find them.
0:36: Oh…oh, dear.
0:42: Dr. K: “The smartest, most inventive response to fantasy is always to suggest the protagonist must be crazy.”
0:47: So this is what it’s like to be inside Lindsay Lohan’s brain.
0:53: I really can’t believe the “I’m-so-crazy-I’m-about-to-explode” vocalist thing from the nu-metal days of yore is now a thing again.
1:00: It’s only been a minute into the song and it’s already changed styles 3 times.
1:07: Spear “wut”
1:15: I don’t recall Dorothy having a tongue stud.
1:21: Or a full sleeve tattoo.
1:28: Soooooo are there no choruses in this song?
1:33: They really couldn’t find a plain old wicker basket for the video?
1:40: That’s not Toto!
1:47: I think I’m going into reference overload.
1:52: Yeah, that’s exactly what this song was missing: a breakdown.
2:00: The “Top Hats In Metal” rule (if someone is wearing a top hat, it is going to suck) still applies.
2:09: W: “Yeesh. This is why we need to put all the weebs and Tumblr folk on an island”
2:16: Makeup provided by a black metal fan with cataracts.
2:21: Hey, the rest of the band is in the video too.
2:29: Oh, for the love of Margaret Hamilton.
2:41: Splintered Halo: Coming to a comic book convention near you.
2:44: Awkward Boner: Engage!
2:47: Jazz hands!
3:00: There’s still 3 minutes left in this video. 3 MINUTES!
3:11: Karhu: “There’s barely a structure. No hooks, and it seems not because they wanna be artsy or proggy but because they can’t craft any. Every single thing about this is terrible.”
3:20: Ron Deuce: “Jacking Frayed Ends of Sanity on that one vocal line too. It’d be ok if it was hilariously bad, but it’s just all around bad.”
3:32: I hope the band has closets full of costumes and props for all types of characters.
3:36: They’re really squeezing every single penny out of that green screen.
3:45: That’s either the Cheshire Cat (which makes NO SENSE) or he’s gotten a huge dose of Smylex.
3:50: “Love that Joker!”
3:56: That sound never gets any better, does it?
4:03: CyberneticOrganism: “I can’t believe people spent time on this.”
4:12: Did you know that Splintered Halo studied the blade?
4:17: There’s legitimately like 6 or 7 different songs in this one song.
4:32: This video is going to be a field day for @MetalwoContext.
4:40: Masks provided by a Party City going out of business.
4:48: There’s been a surprising lack of the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow.
4:57: And no Flying Monkeys either.
5:15: I’d even take a Munchkin at this point.
5:24: Does this count as a chorus?
5:37: Fun fantasy? Nope, just mental problems!
5:41: Dressing your patients up in silly costumes is a serious HIPAA violation.
5:44: Appropriate reaction to sitting through this entire video.
5:50: I’m going to go listen to some One-Eyed Doll, who do the dress-up quirky pseudo rock thing right, at least in my opinion.
5:57: Wait, was there even a pair of ruby slippers in the video? Eh, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going back to check.

Splintered Halo’s The Splintered Minds Asylum album is available now via Bandcamp.

  • Howard Dean

    Well, their frontwoman is kind of hawt, so at least they have that going for them.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      Someone should do a scientific study on the arousing aphrodisiacal effect of a woman wearing pigtails.

      • GoatForest

        I volunteer, though my dissertation was on big ole booties.

        • Brutalist_Receptacle

          I think I read it. Was it called Asyndeton and Dialectic in Butts: Objectifying Transformational Male Patriarchy”?

        • Max

          Tall boots on women is definitely one of my turn-ons, for sure.

    • JWG

      Corsetcore Fundamentals.

      If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, TBH.

    • Riboflavin dreams

      I call it the Lacuna Coil Factor. Without fail on every LC video, or video of a woman-fronted band, one of the top three voted comments will be about how that woman is physically attractive.

      • Waynecro

        To be fair, sometimes an attractive front woman is all the band has going for it, recognizes that fact, and capitalizes on its sole redeeming quality.

        • Riboflavin dreams

          That’s not a good thing. Granted it’s no different to bands who jaunt a gimmick of being “weird” to sell their tepid compositions.

          • Waynecro

            Marketing is a helluva thing.

      • Howard Dean

        “That woman is attractive.”

        –Howard Dean

        • Riboflavin dreams

          “I’d give her the ol’ BYAAAHHH”

          –Howard Dean

  • Wet W’s Whistle

    Yep, this is still terrible. And it somehow made me pine for the days when metal cosplay was almost entirely done by humorless Norwegians in corpse paint and dorky American teens with spiked gauntlets.

  • ChuggaChuggaDeedleyDoo

    wtf did I just watch?

  • Waynecro

    I’ve never actually seen The Wizard of Oz.

    • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

      You should keep it that way.

      • Waynecro

        I don’t think the original movie can live up to this music video–I mean, unless the original film has a sexy woman strutting around and caterwauling over guitar harmonies.

        • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

          Well there are numerous problems with the movie. For starters, the original movie is not an exploitation movie, it’s not a slasher, it wasn’t written by Tolkien, Lovecraft, Robert E. Howard or Cormac McCarthy, the film cover wasn’t created by H.R. Giger, it doesn’t feature bikers or trailer parks or vikings or strippers.
          In short, what I’m getting at is: THE MOVIE IS NOT METAL.

    • GoatForest

      Hey, me neither! I feel very un-American about it, though…

    • RJA

      That’s actually pretty crazy – I’ve probably seen it 50 times

  • JWG

    5:15: I’d even take a Munchkin at this point.

    I totally read that as “Mnuchin”, and thought you were setting up a Trump joke.

    Considering you had that covered at 0:04, and wouldn’t ever stoop so low as to repeat your material, I don’t know what I was thinking…

  • GrungierNine0

    I think my eyes might bleed out of my head now. Oh, well here they go.

    *Agonized screams*

  • Potential for a live concert video breakdown?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fh2jlZ1m4V0

    • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

      Heh, was showing this around earlier. They truly are a band to marvel at.

      • Did you see this?

        • Janitor Jim Duggan

          No. I’ll have to see how bad it is though. The worst band I’ve ever seen live is Hed PE but I’m sure this will be worse.

        • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

          I was at this fest, but I missed the show – I knew what to expect.

    • Janitor Jim Duggan

      These people need to put on some shirts as they look awful without them.

    • Gromit Burger

      at the end: “SHOW US YOUR GENITALS”.

  • Sid Vicious Promos
  • NDG

    Can’t watch.

  • Gromit Burger

    This is what a steady diet of haggis, Irn Bru and Buckfast does!
    I got curious and clicked on the video which took me to their channel and found this. Dang, the singer is Scottish AF. Also still lolz without the stunning visual FX.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyrPjtT3mak

    • Gromit Burger

      Please watch this all the way, the German (Hungarian??) accent she puts on is pure gold

      • Here’s Johnny

        could have made your point without the bigotry eh?

  • Óðinn
  • Dark Spirit of Cold Ural Mount

    Now do the same with the new episodes of Twin Peaks