The Best Band in South Dakota is PEACH BLUNT SMOKE

Share:

Last year, we asked you to help us find the best unsigned bands in America. After flushing just about every turd the shithole threw our way, we’ve finally found the only decent music to be shat out Mt. Rushmore’s octuple-cheeked ass. The best musical artist in South Dakota is Jelly Nutz Justoner.I’ll be totally honest with you here: I’ve never been to South Dakota and I hope that never changes. Seeing some old dudes’ faces in rock sounds like a good time and all but I’m content to stay in a state that, uh, isn’t South Dakota.

The Roughrider State’s racist brother brought us a number of very tempting bands, from nu-metallic hardcore to…whatever this is. None of this was acceptable. It seemed then as if South Dakota would go down as the worst state in this contest, by far; surely, whatever layer of fetid shit Tennessee through Wyoming spewed at us could never best South Dakota when it comes to pure crapitude.

And then, a light broke…

Gaze and weep.

 

How exactly Joe found Jelly Nutz Justoner is a tale shrouded in mystery. The background on his Bandcamp is white, but a shade heretofore unimaginable to mere mortals; this holiest White shines like a billion suns going supernova and reflecting through shards of unpolluted ice harvested from the moons of Jupiter before the dawn of time. Justoner Himself, clad in dankest green, gazes down from the header. Behind His sunglasses is the face of a father at the end of his life, casting one last longing glance at his child, satisfied that it will be the one face he will remember for eternity.

I was first drawn, as if magnetically, to 2013’s magnum opus Peach-Blunt Smoke. As the words “this is Peach Blunt Smoke” echoed forth from my speakers, I could swear Justoner manifested right there in front of me. He looked deep within my heart, and though He saw my every action from birth—good and bad (but mostly bad let’s be srs lol)—He forgave me.

In an instant, he was gone; my computer, no longer bound by the necessity of physical form, began to shift into a kind of oscillating silicon lotus, continually emanating sweet aural nectar in songs like “This is me pt. 1” and “The Robbery 06.” The music enveloped me with a sound echoing all Creation, vibrating every cell of my body to perfection and levitating my soul to a higher plane, where Justoner caressed me and baptized me in peach juice.

But don’t just take my word for it. Our other writers each underwent the exact same experience. From their own mouths:

Sweet mother of a shitting ass. God fucking dammit.
Masterlord

That’s what you get with a divided Dakota. If you just had one Dakota, you could use the other Dakota’s band. People should not have enough free time to smoke peaches.
Link

This is what it’s gotten to? That a juggalo is the best thing in a state? I can’t even…
Simon Phoenix

Ha ha ha ha
CyberneticOrganism

My life expectancy just went down after listening to this.”
Dagon

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. Now we know it ends in peach blunt smoke, in South Dakota. I hate this world.”
Stockhausen

Truly something special.

HONORABLE MENTION:
Seriously though, this state is a punching bag.


The Toilet ov Hell is on an absurd quest to find the best unsigned band in each state of this glorious union. The purpose? To shine the spotlight on bands that deserve more exposure. Also, we’re going to determine once and for all the greatest state in the nation. Each state winner is decided by a collection of 25 judges. After we’ve announced the winner of each state, we’re gonna throw them all in a winner-take-all bracket and leave the votes up to you. Who will be the best unsigned band in the United States? Which state is superior? We can’t wait to find out.

Previous winners:

Alabama — Phylum
Alaska — Terraform
Arizona – Take Over And Destroy
Arkansas – Torii
California – Destroy Judas
Colorado – The Sleer
Connecticut – Autumn’s Eyes
Delaware – Sloss
Florida – Capracide
Georgia – Lost Hours
Hawaii – Darkest Path
Idaho – Rotten Hand
Illinois – Deus Ex
Indiana – Thorr-Axe
Iowa – Blizzard at Sea
Kansas – Bummer
Kentucky – Ad Infinitum
Louisiana – Withering Light
Maine – Sylvia
Maryland – Bereave
Massachusetts – Scaphism
Michigan – Blackgate
Minnesota – Noble Beast
Mississippi – Jared Moran (Yzordderrex/Uzumaki)
Missouri – Existem
Montana – Martriden
Nebraska – Borealis
Nevada – Elephant Rifle
New Hampshire – Eerie
New Jersey – Black Table
New Mexico – Void Ritual
New York – HUSH.
North Carolina – The Seduction
North Dakota – Gorgatron
Ohio – Prize the Doubt
Oklahoma – Cottonmouth
Oregon – Drouth
Pennsylvania – Burden
Rhode Island – Eternal Khan
South Carolina – Solaire

Did you dig this? Take a second to support Toilet ov Hell on Patreon!
  • Congrats South Dakota. You beat Mississippi for title of Worst State in the Union.

  • Congrats South Dakota. You beat Mississippi for title of Worst State in the Union.

    • At least Mississippi was saved by Jared Moran.

      This was pure evil.

    • At least Mississippi was saved by Jared Moran.

      This was pure evil.

    • Very topical, right in the midst of a domestic terror attack.

    • Óðinn

      Those words are rarely spoken. Not an easy feat to beat Mississippi when it comes to being the worst.

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    Is this band a joke? I can.honestly say that compared to these guys Nickelback sound like goddamn Led Zeppelin.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I stand by my mocking laughter review.

  • CyberneticOrganism

    I stand by my mocking laughter review.

  • Guacamole Jim

    Uh. Yes boy. Mad thugging. Where are all my bitches at.

    http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/juggalo2_h_GIFSoup.com_.gif

  • Guacamole Jim

    Uh. Yes boy. Mad thugging. Where are all my bitches at.

    http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/juggalo2_h_GIFSoup.com_.gif

  • I like how comments are taking too long to come.

    It’s like… Everyone is just processing this, reading carefully Christian woeful words. To finally see their reflection in their screens when they turn them off in denial.

    “This… I can’t believe how much free time, resources and drugs can have someone to smoke peaches”.

  • I like how comments are taking too long to come.

    It’s like… Everyone is just processing this, reading carefully Christian woeful words. To finally see their reflection in their screens when they turn them off in denial.

    “This… I can’t believe how much free time, resources and drugs can have someone to smoke peaches”.

  • The W.

    I want a liter of Faygo cola.

  • Sir Tapir the Based™

    When I woke up today I was feeling rather happy. I thought that this was gonna be a good day. Then this came.
    RFI

  • Kevin Nash & Friends

    This horrifies me. I will NEVER eat a peach after this. This is proof that man has disobeyed his leader and that man had SORELY breached his lease. The Lord promised all his children he was going to take back his world someday. Let that be today.

    • The W.

      Is this the real JJD?

      • Kevin Nash & Friends

        Yes it is. I can’t even come up with a obscenity to scream at these people.

        • Guacamole Jim

          If it’s you, tell the truth: were you being bombarded by fireworks yesterday, or were you at the gym?

          • Kevin Nash & Friends

            I was at the gym.

      • Ask him if he likes Rush.

        GL

        • Kevin Nash & Friends

          Yes I do. I love them.

        • that would narrow it down to: JJD, Tyree, Conan, or myself

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            But I like Rush too!

      • Sir Tapir the Based™

        Yea. He let his inner catholic out.

      • Spear

        He upvoted his own comment, it has to be.

  • EsusMoose

    One of a few reasons I don’t like to saying South Dakota is part of the midwest

  • Bad rap thread? Bad rap thread.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVkD4dQk3NU

  • Gathering of the North Dakotaloes in RI
    https://www.facebook.com/events/1443188662667965/

  • Y?

  • Celtic Frosty

    South Dakota is actually really beautiful if you’re into nature and shit. Just, you know, don’t turn on your radio. Like, ever.

    • Get your Pro-South Dakota bias out of here you goddamn propagandist.

    • It also has a corn palace for when our kernel overlords need a castle to rule over the wasteland.
      http://i.usatoday.net/travel/_photos/2007/09/28/corn-palace-topper.jpg

      • CyberneticOrganism

        Is there beer? Cuz I’d enjoy the hell out of a beer there.

        • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

          No beer. Corn. Even the money is made out of corn.

          • more beer

            They use corn in shitty beer.

    • Hubert

      You’d think there’d be some Atmospheric Black Metal bands there.

      • Celtic Frosty

        I mean, it’s mostly just massive open fields that go on forever. Is there black metal about meadows? I mean other than Meadows of Nostalgia, but those are metaphorical meadows.

        • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

          Black metal about forests, mountains, or fog, or GTFO!

          • Pagli, thanks for the Ifing recommendation. I enjoyed it a lot!

      • There probably are, but this Justoner fellow is the only one with any recording equipment in the whole state.

        • Celtic Frosty

          I like the idea that there are a bunch of amazing bands in South Dakota that just have no interest or means of recording.

          • If they’re cvlt enough they’ll have no interest. “Fuck you, recording your music–even to casette–is for poser hacks!”

            I don’t know much about the state’s economy, but it seems plausible that there isn’t enough recording gear to go around . . . Or maybe just no traversable public roads to transport it . . . ?

  • Mother Shabubu III 12 BRICKS

    You can’t have a hiphop/rap thread and expect me not to post this

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGTDnsQa37A

    SHOOSH DAMN

  • Tyreeks of Putrefaction

    Croix De Beaucaillou 2010:

    • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

      Tyree is now an official member of King 810.

      • Tyree
        • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

          Pfffffffffffft, he got it easy!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nf7x3zW67zE

          • Tyree

            Classic.

            You smell like an anchovies CUNT!

          • KJM

            The Holy Trinity of Standup Comedy = Carlin, Pryor, and Hicks.

          • Carlin, CK, Stanhope. Fact.

          • Stanhope is amazing/underappreciated.
            and i’d add Macdonald to your list.

          • Who, Norm? No way.

            I don’t even watch Stanhope to laugh anymore. It’s like hearing someone preach a sermon from the gutter. Occasionally I laugh; mostly I just nod my head in solidarity.

          • yes, Norm. funniest comic i’ve ever seen. he’ll do two shows in one night, and only 10% of the material is the same on both sets.

          • I watched him just make shit up for 90 minutes. Shit was amazing.

          • I really hate how he stresses the word “a” when he erroneously says “half a hour.” It’s half “AN” hour, you weirdo. The H isn’t silent in this country. Gosh!

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            CK sucks!

          • Said the quadruped who hates fun, laughter, and gingers . . .

          • Lacertilian

            Carlin, Hicks, 3rd doesn’t matter.

          • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni
          • KJM

            Get rid of Murphy and replace him with Bill Hicks.

          • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

            Or Sam Kinison.

          • KJM

            He’s cool but he’s all about volume and delivery. Like Pryor and Carlin, Hicks’ comedy has a lot of worthwhile social commentary(i.e. Chomsky w/dick jokes).

          • Lacertilian

            Purple veined dick jokes to be precise

          • KJM

            To help him escape from the comedy hole.

          • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

            Which would make for a good band name!

        • HOLY CRAP!

          *hide*

          It’s the mexican stuff, right?

      • Sir Tapir the Based™

        Maybe the band will make something good now?

        • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

          But, but, they’re hardcore because 1/4 of the band is from Flint, yo!

          • KJM

            And if you forget that they’ll tell you again, and again, and again…

          • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

            They have a couple of good songs, but overall it’s stinky doo doo.

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

      This is my cool story, Bordeaux face.

    • we need to have a wine chug FB thread sometime!

      • Lacertilian

        I have sourced some of the reds you were telling me about.
        Now to steal them from the shop…

  • *insert Mozart music while reading*

  • KJM

    This must be what Rap/Hip Hop sounds like to people who hate it.

  • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

    I made it through one minute, and had to drink and build up a good deal of self hatred to get that far. Joe just offered us a punishment from a past life, and I’m wondering if I was Stalin in my last life after this.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      I love your new username.

      • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

        Thanks!

  • I had to restrain myself from laughing uncontrollably in a quiet office setting as I read through all this. Peach Blunt Smoke 4 Lyfe!

  • FUKKBEARD

    I donno what just happened. . . So . . .

    OT: anyone here playing elder scrolls online?

    • Sir Tapir the Based™

      I heard some bad things about it from a friend. Haven’t touched it myself.

      • FUKKBEARD

        Like what?

        • Sir Tapir the Based™

          A buddy said that it’s really boring and doesn’t feel like an Elder Scroll game. Also, I’m not a huge fan of MMOs.

          • too many social interactions.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            I own a couple of friends, believe it or not.

          • and i’m one of them!

          • FUKKBEARD

            Doesn’t believe. Again.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            You are like Belgium to me. I fucking hate Belgium.

          • FUKKBEARD

            ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

          • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

            Audiosurf and NES emulators are all you need.

          • Sir Tapir the Based™

            You keep your mouth shut!

        • I would really really like to play it. But, it seems that the game is very buggy.

          • FUKKBEARD

            I will probably still go get it. I’m an old school mmo guy, and all the complaints I’ve heard sound like babies who just need to go back to call of doody

          • They don’t know the hard work of playing in Vanilla WoW, then.

  • KJM

    Flush the taste of this dirtweed “Rap” from your brain with some classic Boston Hip Hop.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SiDdmLnzM8

  • Poseur Diposeur

    I’ve been to South Dakota and it doesn’t surprise me that this is the best band there. A lot of South Dakotans flee to Idaho because they have warrants out in SD and they all remind me of this guy

    • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

      Fleeing to Idaho is a big indicator of someone who truly doesn’t want to live. That or fleeing to Nebraska.

  • JW(E)G

    Considering some of the awesomeness I personally submitted for TN, I can’t see how you’d have to suffer through anything comparable to this for at least that State. WA, either.

    And as long as you found Ishmael, WI can’t be that bad.

    There are other States In between, I know. And one more. I just don’t know those well…

    • Off the top of your head do you remember who you submitted for Tennessee? We’ve got a lot of quality shit on the ballot.

      • JW(E)G

        Found my past post. Some of these could easily have been signed in the last 9 months (in fact I think one was):

        – Tijuana Goat Ride
        – Forest of Tygers
        – Animality
        – Payrum
        – Kneel Before None

  • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

    Whiff Of The Week has been reborn today!

  • Jock Strap Full Of Macaroni

    Since it’s a day for us weeaboos this weekend….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVuLrZ8Tyc4

    Yes, I love Perfume. Blow me! #toiletconfessions

  • DeadButtDreaming

    This shit is my new gym jamz.