SocioHeavyology, Pt. 1 – Why Do We Clap?

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Through years of experience and observation, I have come to the conclusion that no one knows what the hell to do with themselves at a metal show. Not a single one of us; not even you or me.

Here’s my proof.

You are in a darkened space, surrounded by a crowd dressed in uniform black, all of whom are staring expectantly in the same cardinal direction. Directional lights turn on from overhead to illuminate four long haired humans performing music amid a pluralith of amplifiers and drums. Their slow, haunting tones and hypnotic thuds are drawing you into a nihilistic trance. The vocalist’s animalistic shrieks and growls prevent you from returning your mind to the material realm; there is no room for distraction here. All your mind knows in this moment is the pain and emotion this musical collective is drawing from your reluctant subconcious. The musicians look to each other expectedly; they break a moment of suspenseful quiet to reach the climax of the piece. With Satan in their heart and hatred on their mind, they massacre their instruments in the worship of Fear. Chords are a shower of knives. Percussion is a volley of cannonfire. Vocalizations announce the arriving extinction of our selfish and puny species at the behest of the contemptuous natural world and the unstoppable march of Time. This riff extends, and mercifully allows you an infinite moment to bask in your sublime agony and its complete meaninglessness. Then, as soon as you are wholly consumed into this anti-space and are certain there has never been another place or time and never will be, the performers abruptly end the piece. In a single picosecond your trance is ended, and the mental blindfold you have woven for yourself through years of jaded acceptance of the mundane and corporeal is burnt to ashes, leaving you with newfound unclouded sight and enlightenment.

Then, after an all too brief pause, the silence is broken as you set your beer on a nearby table, bring your hands together at waist-height, and begin to politely clap. A collective smattering of applause follows, a dismal and awkward gesture given the circumstance. A regrettable instinct from the back of your mind causes you to raise your voice above the pathetic din of manual self-slapping to whimper in your most non-committal falsetto, “Woo!”.

... woo

… woo

Applause is a perfectly fine method of communicating pleasure and respect, but so often it just feels wrong as a response to intense, dark art. A genuine moment of silence would be a more compelling gesture. No really, it’s ok to be silent after a piece is performed; the Applause Police are not going to come after you and lock you up for crimes against civility.

Standing in a dark room and watching longhairs make loud, abrasive music from atop a raised stage is a bizarre ritual that doesn’t really relate to any other facet of our lives, which is part of why it’s exciting, but also means that none of us has any cultural capital to bring to the experience until we actually attend a show. We can default to what we’ve been conditioned to do in other performance settings and high-five ourselves a couple dozen times, or we can take the opportunity to, as a subculture, do something that feels genuine to how we express ourselves musically.

So what, then? If we want to pay homage to those on stage, what can we do besides mindlessly slap our hands together like trained seals? If the music genuinely draws you to create sound in response to it, perhaps we ought to take after Walt Whitman and sound out a deep “barbaric yawp” that fills the venue with our primordial sound (lol). Depending on the show’s vibe/subgenre, the audience could go full Turisas and clang melee weapons together over their iron helms. You know, Vildhjarta may have really been on to something with creating their own signature cry of “thall“.

To be clear, I’m not arguing that clapping is never an appropriate response to rock music made with distorted electric guitars. After some sweet mosh-worthy d-beat tunes or triumphant black metal, I am absolutely drawn to cheer and applaud because I am happy, excited, and surrounded by other happy and excited people. Rather, the crux of my argument is this; I believe that if you want to show genuine appreciation for musicians who have moved you, then your physical response should be related to how the music made you feel. If you were dragged into dark and unknown corners of your decaying heart, then nod solemnly while you ponder your innate human state of misery and unimportance. If you were left soaring high above the clouds On Wings of Steel, then clap, or jump, or raise a fist, or flap your fucking arms like little birdie wings, but for fuck’s sake just do something that actually comes from your heart. 

wiggle dance

You can even do this crazy thing if you really wanna. I sure do.

Coming soon to a Toilet near you: SocioHeavyology, Pt. 2. What inexplicable behavior within metal culture will HessianHunter pick apart with his sexy, sexy brain made of sex this time??? Stay tuned…

  • This was great. It always strikes me as strange when a band finishes a song about offing yourself for almighty Satan and the crowd is all like:

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0zcty4eQd1qjemo2o1_250.gif

  • zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    times of good

    telepathic group mind—-center transmission

    a perfect thing–beyond pre planned thought or desire

    freedom from want—“non reality”–

    as a sonic eternal “amoeba”—who swims on the astral plane

    http://youtu.be/TW733Ut5zE0

  • Wait, a “djent” band was mentioned in an article and was not collectively shit on in the process??? What is this site coming too???

    Dagger is a bitching song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnaClnVnj_c

    GL

    • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

      lol 2 vocalists

      • 2 vocalists + 9 guitar players == chugging glory

        If they would just add one more drummer we would be in business.

        GL

        • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

          I like this song a lot more now then when I first heard it. It Djents nicely.

    • counter-point: FLUSH!!!

      • You no jam? I am digging Portal btw

        GL

        • i tried, several times; just can’t do this band. i think a little more variety would fix it (i.e. Tesseract). Portal m/ (refresh fo image)

          • jajajajaja, this comic.

            I can dig Tesseract, but not too much 😛

          • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

            This, Tesseract is great.. for 20 minutes. They are amazing live though.

          • DDubya.

            That’s one of my several complaints with djent bands. The songs all flow together.

          • That is my complaint with some black metal bands. Also, harshnoise. But, I totally see what you mean.

            GL

          • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

            I like it in Black Metal though, it creates this thick and harsh atmosphere that I dig in BM. Maybe these Djent bands are just trying to do something similar, seeing as Meshuggah does it as well, but they’re not doing it well.

          • DDubya.

            I think a lot of black metal is guilty of it too.

          • love me some black metal. but trimming the fat would only help bands like Sinmara (whom i still do enjoy)

          • #OverExtendingSyndrome is a peculiar disease in modern prog :/ they can do great with some ideas, but they use so much stuff that I can’t even remember what was I listening jajaja

          • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

            The problem I had with Tesseract that they rarely diverted from the dreamy and slow sound, which makes me slowly fall asleep after a while.

          • one time i got to see Tesseract, Animals as Leaders, and BTBAM; my buddy and i got a table near the front of the stage and we just drank our booze and watched in awe. no moshing necessary, just awesome entertainment

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I went to a Misfits show once and I didn’t mosh. I just chilled with people.

          • I never ever ever enter in moshs. But, I can headbang in the front rows and enjoy shows 😀

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I barely ever mosh. I moshed at a Hatebreed show and I got punched in the face really hard by some skinhead. I haven’t moshed since.

  • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

    Dancing Vikernes is never not amusing.

    • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

      This article was about as good as that gif is entertaining. Time. After. Time

      • Nordling Rites ov Kahlua

        But(t) in all honesty from childhood we are programmed to clap in “appreciation” after any performance and since very few of us were taught that we shouldn’t do it after a satanic blasphemy ov goats, we do it.

  • HessianHunter

    Pandas are a useless, evolutionary dead end and deserve to go extinct.

    What’s that? Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just this cool kid in the corner having unpopular opinions about banal shit.

  • Tyree
    • HessianHunter

      I adore this song and cheered in my seat when I first saw this.

      • Tyree

        I’m not a huge Devin Townsend fan, but I did like me some SYL shit.

    • HessianHunter

      Man, I didn’t even bring up the “clapping in time” thing. I think I may have to have an entry in the series about that stupid shit.

      • like in proggy elitist crowd concerts? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaP46asbIS4

        • YourLogicIsFlushed

          Don’t talk shit about Trains! I love me some Trains.

          • I love that song and the band! But most of the ‘educated and trained fans’ that I’ve encountered of the band seems to me like ponytail guys who despise everything because theorical-reasons. And I’m always in a crusade against those people jajaja

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            I can agree with this.

  • DDubya.

    Man, I hate it when bands command me to clap more than i hate most things.

    • LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS! PUT EM TOGETHER!

      I would love to see an audience interpret that literally and just smash their hands into one another then fake confusion as to what to do next

      • “NOW SPREAD THEM APART!”

    • You would not have liked Sabaton and Amon Amarth. You were being commanded to jump or clap to every song for two sets. Every. Song.

      • J.R.

        Got a lot of “show us your horns birmingham” from Amon Amarth. SHOW US YOUR HORNS!!! Sabaton would just pantomime clapping and for 20 seconds everyone would join in and then nope

  • bob

    i’ve been lurking and reading with bemused but strained interest for awhile now. i usually don’t have anything to say, because the music you guys cover is either trash and doesn’t need to be discussed anymore than it already is, or it’s covered in such a ridiculous fashion that i frankly dont even know what to say.

    but this… well, this takes the poppycock. why clap during a metal show? is this a serious question. why? maybe because it’s a fucking performance, first and foremost. remove all that shit about it being “dark and spritual art ov oppressiveness,” and itt’s a group of guys playing instruments. people applaud musical performances they enjoy. its part of our culture. it’s that fucking simple.

    • Way to read the post. *flush*

      • bob

        i did read it. the physical response should be related to how the music made you feel? does that mean someone listening to true scary Satanic murder music should kill the person next to them? nonesense.

        • Edward/Breegrodamus

          Was nonesense a typo? It’s nonsense.

          Either way it doesn’t help your case a lot.

          • bob

            my case doesn’t need to be helped any. this didn’t make any sense. i said how i felt, and everyone jumped on me without refuting any of what i said. pretty typical.

          • I think if you would have separated your comments it would have been better. Trying to insult someone then trying to make a logical defense is a tough sell.

            GL

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            SAME TIME GL

            Edward / ND / BD

          • ” Edward / ND / BD ”

            Your titles are tough to keep up with friend!

            GL

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            Let’s just stick with Edward / ND. Everyone else on here will just have to play catch up.

          • YOU ARE NEGRODAMUS.

            GL

          • WE…ARE…NEGRODAMUS

          • HAHAHAHA “STINKCAVE” hahahahaa

            GL

          • jajajajajaja, you started another trend, mr. GL!

          • I am just a drop water in the pond my friend

            GL

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            My name is NEGRODAMUS, for we are many.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            WE ARE ALL NEGRODAMUS!

          • WE ARE WARRIORS OF THE WORLD! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJ0sW7KOFhU

          • Tyree

            WE ARE! PENN STATE!

          • Edward/Breegrodamus

            You’re attempting to call the author and other writers of the site to the carpet for things you view as moronic.

          • Let’s break it apart then. HessianHunter presents his case that clapping may not always be the most appropriate response to a performance. You refute with: no, that’s the conventional response, don’t question it. I notice that questioning convention may not be in your wheelhouse seeing as how you’re doing pretty well at fulfilling several shitty commenter clichés at once.

          • bob

            bro, do you even listen to metal? i know you run a blog. in the metal world, are you the equivalent of the guy that does bi’s and tri’s three days a week at the squat rack?

          • You seem unhappy bob. Everything OK?

          • bob

            i’m just tired. i missed a pr yesterday on the bench. some guy was listening to pantera in the weightroom and it fucked with my concentration.

            also, this blog grinds my metal gears (solid). the articles are like the cancer of heavy metal. i couldnt stand quiet anymore.

          • YOU SOUND LIKE A PRO, BRO.

            GL

          • Have you tried fucking off? That might help.

            /Also, try lifting sometime for real. It’ll put you in a better mood.

          • Tyree
          • bob

            george st pierre is the poor canadian mans anderson silva.

            fuck off with the garbage shirts.

            fuck off with the shit metal.

          • Tyree

            Yup.

          • Shut up bob

            GL

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            Damnit Tyree! I hate these stupid shirts!

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I despise most Pantera. They did a few good songs and they’re worshipped as gods. I disagree with calling them gods because there is much better bands than them.

          • bob

            pantera has never made a good song. first they were glam… shit. then they were groove… shit. then they were even shittier groove… shit.

            most unoriginal and shitty metal band ever. listen to exhorder if you want groove (do you actually want groove)?

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I like some groove. I have heard of Exhorder and I like them quite a bit.

          • bob

            again, you would.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I sure would.

          • God, you’re not even original in your elitism.

          • bob

            you dont need to be original when it’s true.

          • quite please

            GL

          • The Bestest Tapir

            I can agree with that.

          • Corey Tay Tay

            Wow Jim you hate quite a lot of stuff I love.

          • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

            I also love a lot of good stuff though. I’m mostly a classic rock guy but I am open to many other genres. There is equal amounts of love and hate inside of me.

          • that’s the beauty of JJD! and we wouldn’t have him any other way.

          • EsusMoose

            I didn’t share your opinion on revocation but I agree too hard to not say something. It might be that by the time I got into metal there were already things that were heavier, faster,etc. Some of the solos are cool

          • Shut up bob!

            GL

          • Gurptitude

            Actually, I think this is his way of telling us he loves us.

          • It sounds like you need more power metal in your life

          • HAVE YOU TRIED GETTING SWOLE, BRO??

            *SMASHES 5 NATTY ICES* *CURSES AT POSERS OF FALSE JAMMIEZ*

            GL

          • bob

            oh, is this about to become one of those sweet bdubs articles? those are my favorite.

            not.

          • Let me be the first to welcome you to the toilet!

            GL

          • Shut up bob…

            GL

          • Bob, shut up.

            GL

          • Shut it bob, quite.

            GL

        • trve metal bob, quite.

          GL

    • *flush*

    • Edward/Breegrodamus

      is this the bob?

      • HessianHunter

        def not

        • Edward/Breegrodamus

          I think you are correct.

          bob > this bob

      • Oh the days of bob. I miss him

        GL

        • Edward/Breegrodamus

          I liked the real bob, too.

    • learn to read and shut up *flush*

    • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

      get SKRONKED nerd *flush*

    • Tyree
    • HessianHunter

      Yes, it’s a part of our larger Western culture to clap after performances. I am simply making the case that it’s an inappropriate gesture for a lot of dark art, like metal. I would be similarly annoyed by applause following a viewing of an Aranovsky film, for instance.

      Are you suggesting that people should never reconsider their culturally programmed behavior? Are you that boring?

      • YourLogicIsFlushed

        You mean you didn’t applaud after “Ass to Ass!”?

        • BLXKKBEXRD

          Always applaud after ass to ass

      • lol dude this has none sense.

      • bob

        no, but i think pretending like applause after a musical performance (even a “dark” art performance, whatever that means) is somehow innappropriate in our culture is ridiculous. reconsidering culturally programmed behaviour makes sense when the program behaviour itself is an issue… what is actually wrong with applauding a “dark” art performance?

        ten minutes after making my first comment, and im already regretting that i spoke up. the toilet of pc gang mentality has spoken.

        • lol @ “PC gang mentality”. I would probably refer to it as something like “Not being an asshole” but whatever.

        • YourLogicIsFlushed

          Man, we only get like this when people come out of the gate as being hostile. You could have disagreed with some interesting points, but you chose this path.

        • HessianHunter

          “pc”? Nothing about this conversation is about being “pc”.

          Obviously this isn’t a big deal the way racism and poverty are, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth thinking about. I am not “pretending” it’s inappropriate, either. It makes my skin crawl when I want to sit in silence and my fellow concertgoers are automatically applauding because that’s just “what you do”, so I wrote an opinion piece about it.

        • hi bob. i hope it’s really you.

          • HessianHunter

            Nah, bob’s jimmies were unrustlable. This cat’s a poser.

          • 🙁 Some of the comments sound like him, I will continue to #believe

    • Spear

      K.

      *flush*

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      Welcome back you bastard <3

      • Edward/Breegrodamus

        This is not the Metalsucks era bob.

        • Akercocke ov Steele

          No, no NO! It’s NOT POSSIBLE!!

        • bob

          you wouldn’t know what i’ve read and where i’ve commented anyway. does it matter if i weren’t? does that change the point i’ve made. doesnt matter. i’ve been listening to metal since you were listening to eminem after class in middle school.

          • Corey Tay Tay

            That’s really advance bro.

          • BLXKKBEXRD

            Don’t feed the troll

          • lol

          • hahahahaha. featured comment.

          • DDubya.

            I was listening to techno in middle school 🙁

          • Tyree

            Rush was pretty much the only thing I cared about musically in Middle School. Total Nerd.

          • there’s nothing i don’t enjoy about you, sir.

          • Please enlighten these uncultured masses as what music will allow us to transcend our horrible ways.

          • bob

            well, you could start with a healthy dose of thrash metal (not the big 4). maybe try some classic testament, overkill, kreator, or sadus. that would get you started.

            from there, listen to good stuff and avoid the shit (i dont know if you guys are capable of that, but try).

          • YourLogicIsFlushed

            …Ok Grandpa.

          • Man, that’s some incredibly specific advice, thanks a ton.

          • DDubya.

            Our own Simon Phoenix is a fan of thrash and has written about it before, as have I.

          • Gurptitude

            Oh wow, Testament, Overkill, Kreator, and Sadus, you sure have blown my mind with those obscure greats.

          • Tyree
          • Gurptitude

            Appeal to Tradition is a fallacy that occurs when it is assumed that something is better or correct simply because it is older, traditional, or ‘always has been done.'”

        • Let us believe!

    • Tyree

      You know what is awesome? Pooping.

    • some of the reviews i’ve written were purposely about trash, i.e. Marilyn Manson and Slipknot 🙂

    • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

      What I wonder is why clap at any concert except once the concert is over? I’ve been to 7 Bruce Springsteen concerts and people clap after every goddamn song. It is so annoying.

      • bob

        you would

        • Janitor Jim Dvggan Svre Wovld

          I’m so honored to have the immortal Bob say such a great phrase to me. Yes I would bob. I should would.

        • DDubya.

          You have been lurking, haha.

      • Corey Tay Tay

        I know the next song is starting and people are still clapping.

    • Gurptitude

      Shut up, bob.

      • bob

        wow, never heard that one before.

        some things don’t change. shit tastes in bands and unoriginal assholes.

        • Gurptitude

          Look, I know you have self-esteem issues, but unironically referring to yourself as an unchanging, unoriginal asshole won’t do anything for your mental health.

        • Gurptitude

          Also, the only band I ever remember you recommending was Prosanctus Inferi, and after giving it a listen I can safely say that is easily the most boring black/death album I have ever heard.

          • you know this guy??

          • Gurptitude

            “bob” used to be a regular stick-in-the-mud over at MetalSucks before he supposedly got doxxed or something. I’m not sure this is the same guy, but the shoe fits.

          • bob normally wouldn’t write a novel though. that is the disconnect between old bob and this fella

            GL

          • Gurptitude

            You think they’re two different people, GL?

          • Yes. But my opinion is only speculation based on my opinion above. I would love to be wrong!

            GL

          • somebody on here thinks he’s not the same bob. (and i did get your message on Steam, bby)

          • Gurptitude

            Yeah, GL and Edward think it’s not the same dude. They could be right, but I wonder who has both knowledge of bob and a desire to troll us.

            (and good ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

          • HessianHunter

            Old bob was a lot more well-spoken than this new cat. He was an asshole who hated everything, but was clearly intelligent and knowledgeable. This dude has not displayed those same characteristics.

          • Gurptitude

            A third rate hater imitator?

          • bob

            when you spend your time listening to the samey, shitting drivel of tech and core and whatever else is big at that time, you tend to think bands like Prosanctus Inferi are boring. what was boring about them? they make black/death metal the way it is supposed to be made. what, would you prefer they were more like behemoth? behemoth has been stale for a decade.

          • The fact that I agree with this statement does not change the fact that you are a big butthead and I dislike you.

          • First, we find out you were a Dungeon Master.
            Second, you used the word “butthead”.

            Today is a great day.

            GL

          • Gurptitude

            It’s curious you think I listen to nothing but tech death, whatevercore, and put Behemoth on a pedestal, okay, it’s not like anyone ever accused you of being rational.

            I like my black/death to be huge, subterranean, and menacing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnrK0K76S_w

          • This EP rules butts!

          • Gurptitude

            I think it’s funny that the particular style they play is often referred to as cavernous, and the cover for that demo is a cave. Perfect!

          • So that is going to be listened to by me about 1000 times.

          • Gurptitude

            Embrace the cavernous.

  • YourLogicIsFlushed

    I do like the idea of bands creating their own meme-of-sorts, creating like an inside-joke among their fans. But the more bands that start to do it, the more we will all despise it, as with most things.

    • I like it if they make them amusing. The only show I’ve ever performed in was with my joke band. After ever song we would scream either “TONGUE ASS!” or “FUCK MY ASS!” I think people got tired of it after about the twelfth time.

  • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

    See also:

    Singer asking for a pit, (annoying hand gestures included)
    Audience screaming “SLAYER” during quiet moments for no reason
    Screaming the name of your next song
    One guy that really wants to make a pit even though the music doesn’t ask for it.
    Terrible stage banter
    Screaming your terrible stage banter

    • HessianHunter

      Stealing all these concepts for articles in this series

    • Also, “FREE BIIIIRRRRD” Regardless of the musical genre.

      GL

    • Akercocke ov Steele

      Overusing “fuck”

      • DDubya.

        That’s the local band’s bread and butter.

    • David Vincent’s Spandex Shirt

      Calling out the younguns in the crowd and being all like “You guys weren’t even alive when this was released”

      • Just yell “FUCK OFF, GRANDPA!” as loud as you can.

        • Or “and you haven’t gotten laid since this was released”

      • Gurptitude

        Being 2radikult4u

    • “One guy that really wants to make a pit even though the music doesn’t ask for it”

      Those bastards. I went to a alternative rock concert and some bastards started a pit to a fucking pop-rock song..

    • it’s really funny when someone like Dave Davidson is up there yelling “ALL RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, LET’S DO THIS”, then he’s just a quiet and normal dude after the show!

  • Akercocke ov Steele

    I feel this may be related, but I have a hard time actually dancing. My ex was mad at me because I really couldn’t dance at homecoming or prom, and even at parties and stuff I just can’t dance. It’s like being knocked around and/or into a bunch of sweaty dudes all while the decibels rage has kinda ruined just regulars ‘ole life lover dancing for me.

  • Renan Ribeiro

    There is only one response regardless of subgenre or setting. Just scream “BÖLZER” at the top of your lungs at the end (and possibly in the middle) of every song.

    • Tyree

      Not related, but I remember when I saw Black Witchery at MDF a couple of years back some knucklehead lit a bible on fire in the pit. It didn’t end well for him. Security fucked him up pretty good.

      • HessianHunter

        oh dude wat a rebel
        rly made a statement with dat one
        minds = blown

        • Tyree

          Haha, yeah it was pretty ridiculous. Not sure how he thought he’d get out of that situation indoors.

          • Later that night, in the brick house (jail):
            “I’m a warrior of Satan, you can’t tell me what to do! Hail my dark lord!”

            “Let’s see Satan get my dick outta yo ass! I swear, if you scrub them titties off your back, I’m gonna cut some bacon off yo back!”
            “Mommmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy! I mean Sataaaaaaan!”

      • Hubert, Goat ov/of SATAN!!!!!

        Was his name Michael Keene?

      • Renan Ribeiro

        That knucklehead was called Marilyn Manson.

    • bob

      i would never jump on the ultimate metal hype wagon and scream “Bolzer,” but i would clap if i enjoyed the show.

      • Renan Ribeiro

        Poser
        (Is the masterlord and Randall the only ones allowed to do this?)

        • nope. You just have to listen some Power Merol to enter the party and grab a melee weapon jajaja.

        • Depends. Have you listened to Manowar today?

          • Renan Ribeiro

            Yes, while I did my vespertine post-workout sesame oil body rub.

          • Hail, warrior.

          • You oil up to Bjork’s ‘Vespertine’?! I will never look at ‘Hidden Place’ the same way ever again!

          • Renan Ribeiro

            I meant vespertine as afternoon. Still, I make sure to oil up all the hidden places. You never know where the workout leads you. You just feel the pump.

  • Corey Tay Tay

    How about you write about concert etiquette.

  • If you’re not clapping then you’re raising your fist and yelling like neandrathal. No different than a sporting event.

  • JWG

    I’m very reserved in my interactions with the general public, but at a metal gig I tend to jump around and flail my arms overhead if it feels warranted. I see nothing wrong with raising both hands in the air and letting out a mighty bellow at the conclusion of a particularly thunderous tune, riff, or solo.

    I am potentially just satisfying my Viking Heritage in a (relatively) safe environment. If I don’t let off steam that way I might regularly rape and pillage my way up the coastline, instead.

    Or almost-exclusively just pillage. I am a Gentleman Viking after all.

  • Tyree

    HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THIS!

    • Is this a real thing??

      GL

      • Tyree

        I think sooo!

        • DDubya.

          That looks like delicious diabeetus

          • Tyree

            I have not been to a KFC in years. I may have to change that.

          • DDubya.

            I can’t think of the last time I went to one.

          • Tyree

            Fast Food in general I avoid. I just have this strange fascination for ridiculous fast foods though.

          • Same here. When I saw young, I loved it. I’d like to think that my tastes are more discerning now. The last time I ate Wendy’s I actually puked. Chic-Fil-A is about the only place that I really enjoy (as well as a couple more local fast food chains I.E. Bojangles).

          • Lacertilian

            I have been going 2-3 times a week lately, mostly at work.
            No other fast food is sucking me in, just that fucking cunt Colonel.

        • Scrimm

          brb gonna go for a walk.

    • brotein… after getting swole!

    • Pagliacci is Kvlt/Not Sludge

      Wait, is that NSFW?

  • God ov All

    Lol Bob sounds like my cranky uncle.

  • I’ve never felt (for me) that clapping was an appropriate response to nearly anything I’ve ever watched. I’m a fairly emotionless person and can barely muster the emotion to do the most trivial of tasks with pep in my step. When I see a show, I typically stay silent. I hate having to talk to people or tolerate some sweaty douche breathing his beer breath straight into my nostrils. My appreciation and applause generally comes from a slight nod and rapid departure.

  • “Through years of experience and observation, I have come to the
    conclusion that no one knows what the hell to do with themselves at a
    metal show. Not a single one of us; not even you or me.”

    WRONG!!! I always know what to do, right away, while staring at the stage front and center!

    http://i.imgur.com/Ji00kp0.gif

  • Lacertilian

    At first I thought this article was a double up from @disqus_kqxyUNPxty:disqus for the day, getting close to multiple cuils throughout.
    @HessianHunter:disqus is definitely keeping the poop afloat in the TovH today, with Maeth and now this guest Think-Tank.
    Excellent work all round.

  • Speaking of, you know those movie reviews (there’s at least a few dozen at any given moment) where the critic says “You’ll stand up and cheer!” or “you’ll be cheering in your seat!”? Does ANYONE actually do that?! I’ve worked at a couple theaters back in the day, and NEVER saw ANYONE do that. If they ever did, I’d turn the other way as someone chucks something at them.