Simus – The Soulmaker: A Video Breakdown

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Who wants snacks? I’m whipping up a fresh batch of souls and Tang!

This week’s Video Breakdown comes straight from the boss himself. According to the internet, Simus is an Italian prog-metal band on Bakerteam Records. Their bio on their website is in Italian, English, and Russian. Interesting. I never would have guessed that Russians were into prog-metal. Maybe Simus’s album is made of some sort of solid vodka technology. Regardless, that’s about all I know about the band and am willing to look up. My guess is that’s all more than any of you readers knew as well. If you have any interesting factoids about Simus, feel free to post them in the comments. For now, let’s jump into the Simus abyss with their song “The Soulmaker”. Ready? Go!

0:06: Uhhhhhh
0:10: I don’t think the Nair is working.
0:15: Good thing he has briefs on. Otherwise this would be awkward.
0:25: You better scrub real hard to get those stupid tattoos off.
0:27: The Zoulmaker? Vinz Clortho the Keymaster must be on his way.
0:36: I always had a feeling morticians dressed up bodies in Eurotrash club clothes.
0:48: That won 2nd Prize Jell-o Mold winner at the Winnebago County Fair
0:57 – 1:05: Okay, I know some readers just read the breakdown and skip the video. I get that. I’m asking all of you, right now, to go to this time in the video and watch. Seriously. No words I can say will convene the sheer lolbuttz of this. In the future, if you look up “lolbuttz” in the dictionary, this will be there.
1:12: Never buy a used vehicle from Chris Barnes.
1:14: And never buy a car designed by Hitler.
1:18: The leaf represents leafyness.
1:27: “Our matching leather jackets are of no use!”
1:35: That dude is going to get real chilly. At least put a cardigan on.
1:41: Make sure to walk into the dark abandoned building in a single file. Makes it much easier for monsters to get you.
1:50: “I now call together a meeting for the Midnight Society!”
1:53: “I’m just in it for the money. I’m just in it for the money.”
2:04: Raising that candelabra apparently causes the rest of the band to power down. Good to know.
2:14: He bought those rings while waiting for his mom at the supermarket.
2:22: You got a little something on your…eh, never mind.
2:28: So sleepy.
2:31: Alright, who let Bongzilla on the set?
2:38: You guys ever watch Pitch Black? Just asking.
2:45: Antonio over on the right forgot his leather jacket. Fucking Antonio.
2:49: Wes Borland cameo!
3:00: KISS! KISS! KISS!
3:03: Or bob your head with your mouth open like you’re trying to suck a golf ball through a hose.
3:18: I’m a little lost here.
3:24: Dr. Klaw cameo!
3:39: This guy needs some serious Head and Shoulders action.
3:46: Every metal video needs a good game of Yahtzee.
3:52: “Would you like some of my Giggle Juice?”
4:00: Some serious Stranger Danger going on.
4:09: “Excuse me? Can you tell me where the Men’s Fashion section is?”
4:18 – 4:27: Again, readers who skip over the video. Watch this part. It’s not even synced correctly.
4:36: Sometimes the “fighting air” moshing isn’t so stupid looking.
4:44: “I need an adult!”
4:52: His dorkiness is just too much for them to handle.
4:55: NES games have less spastic walking styles.
5:07: Whoops. Sorry, fellas. I’ll come back later.
5:19: Don’t forget to put that Jell-O pyramid in the fridge or else it will melt.
5:30: So are they going to fix the car or not?
5:37: Oh jeez. He’s stumbled onto an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.
5:52: Is that it?
5:55: Yeah, I guess that’s it.
6:00: Don’t know what happened to his friends.
6:08: Actually, I don’t know what happened to anything in that video.

That certainly was a music video. There was music and moving pictures and everything. That’s about all the positive things I can say for Simus’s “The Soulmaker”.

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