Bless you, Bakerteam Records. Between you and Massacre Records, there will never be a shortage of videos to break down. I don’t think there’s a cultural gap between the labels and the average listener/watcher. I think it just comes down to a series of lolbuttz, each lol buttzier than the last. The Kattah video was ricockulous, and the Ivanhoe video was even worse. Does a video where the band dresses up like priests have any chance of not being terri-bad? No, of course not.
0:01: Oh, good. I was worried a different band would be presenting a Simple Lies video.
0:03: You know that robe smells of stale semen and failure.
0:08: And the “giant dog penis” look is complete.
0:11: He punches the way Rupert Murdoch fucks: Slow, clumsy, and it’s over in seconds.
0:15: Not the first time a priest has stuck his tongue out while surrounded by other males.
0:20: Amp Energy: Now with ingredients you’ve heard of, just like God intended.
0:29: The simplest lies this band tells are the ones to themselves that their beards look good.
0:37: It’s nice to see Scooter from Cold still making music.
0:40: If you think that’s impressive, you should see her play with Devil Sticks.
0:44: And the Lord said, “Let them eat lots of Hardee’s Monster Thickburgers.”
0:46: Jesus is a metaphor for…um…Jesus, I guess.
0:50: Yup, that’s a dude jerking off.
0:52: If you don’t watch the video, you’ll never know if I’m making it up or if a band actually has someone masturbating in their video.
0:56: Ted Cruz has the same look on his face every time someone asks him a hard question.
1:00: That’s the look of someone who is really, really just in it for the money.
1:05: Anyone else getting a heavy “Kevin Dubrow from Quiet Riot” vibe from this drummer?
1:10: Guys, you’re doing the gang vocals thing wrong.
1:16: So are the A-Men like the X-Men, but more focused on butt rock instead of stopping Magneto?
1:19: Maybe it’s because they can’t find any A-Women.
1:25: Hula Hoop aka The Devil’s Donut.
1:33: This guy’s breath smells like Gary Busey’s groin.
1:42: Italian Layne Staley?
1:53: Italian Ivan Moody?
1:56: Satan must be really hard-up for cash.
2:01: I can’t wait to see Zombie Glam Vampires From Outer Space.
2:04: What’s with the bat? Are we headed to the Sandlot?
2:08: Whoa! It’s the bassist from Hard Rock Zombies!
2:12: It’s…I got nothing. Ghetto Joker? Pervert Uncle with a clown fetish?
2:18: I’ll bet Lamb of God disavows this endorsement.
2:23: I don’t think those are Church-issued kicks.
2:33: Fueled by Satan and band special effects.
2:37: Wow. This band is made-up for 11 year olds.
2:43: If I wanted to see a video of a pissed-off guy painted red, I’d watch the Rollins Band.
2:52: Judging by this band’s sense of humor, I have to assume that all these hula hoops represent something dirty and not funny.
2:55: Special effects made in Microsoft ME – Lolbuttz Edition.
3:01: This video is really into the “all red everything” deal. It’s the musical version of WWE’s Eva Marie.
3:06: Here’s a preview of the new Star Wars movie.
3:15: Most bands just use metaphors. Then again, most bands aren’t Simple Lies.
3:18: Thank whoever/whatever for that.
3:22: A battle in which there are only losers.
3:26: I hope this video is the only thing that masturbator accomplishes in life.
Simple Lies’s album Let It Kill is available now via Bakerteam Records.