Shirt Stains: Wrong Merch To Fuck With

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Is it foolish to expect subtlety from a band that wrote a song called “Kill Your Mother Rape Your Dog”?

GUURRRGGGG RUUUURURUUUUU UURGGGGGGHHH! For those of you that don’t speak Death Metal, I said that Dying Fetus are back. The band is set to release their first album in five years via Relapse entitled Wrong One To Fuck With. That’s a fact that you may want to exclude from your Christmas newsletter this year. For those that want to let Aunt Gerdie know that you rep The Fetus all day, every day, now is your chance to pre-order some…interesting merchandise and bundles for the band.

 

 

BLAAAAAAARRGGGHHH! All-over prints are bad. Very bad. Very, very bad. Go sit in the corner, all-over prints and think about what you’ve done! What did Justin Foley from Killswitch Engage do to deserve this? And who put a rotten tomato on his cheek? There’s a weird optical illusion going on with the stitching on the aggressor’s pants. It makes me think the neck of the shirt is much lower than it actually is. Just thought I’d point that out.

The Relapse folks provided an interesting side-note about the shirt”

“This shirt was printed using a method called dye sublimation.  This is a printing technique in which artwork is printed onto a sheet of high-release paper and transferred onto apparel using a combination of heat and pressure. Unlike screen printing, the dye is directly absorbed by the fabric for an awesome soft-to-the-hand feel.”

Fascinating. It’s interesting that they’d use such a fancy, high-end style for a design that’s so gruesome. Oh, wait. There’s more.

“PLEASE NOTE: Due to the nature of dye sublimation printing, expect your garment to have small smudges or blurs near the seams, as well as areas of creasing near the edges – this is a normal byproduct of the process.

Okay, so it’s not that high-end.

Is that Uncle Fester’s head? Knowing the Adams Family, he’d probably be okay with this. The chappy lips, too. He might even love the sickly grays, tans, browns, and blacks that make up the majority of the shirt colors. It’s like if Skittles was made in Czechoslovakia in the 60’s. The all-caps giant white letters with splattered blood is actually a welcome relief from what looks like a muddy New England farm landscape.

A vast majority of people won’t know that this is the name of an album and think you’re just being a confrontational jerk. They probably wouldn’t be wrong. Even flipping up the lid to show the band name won’t help because it looks like a bunch of squiggly lines quickly done before the artist was about to sneeze.  Why wouldn’t they just flip the design and have the logo on the front with the album name on the brim? It would be better advertising and reduce the amount of shit you’d get for wearing it. Even the violent design from that all-over t-shirt would’ve been a better choice than just the album title.

You’re just asking for trouble wearing this hat. People will either want to fight you or take the hat and play “Keep Away” like you’re in elementary school. Gotta make sure you keep the stick on the brim though. That’s how people know you’re “cool” and “down”. Know what I mean, homeslice?

But…but…the album is called Wrong One To Fuck With. One. ONE! How could you possibly mess that up? This is the equivalent of a hockey player shooting on an open net, only to completely miss, shit his pants, and then crash face first into the post.

A Dying Fetus knife. On a certain level, it totally makes sense. Plus, you can actually use this is every day situations. Rope needs to be cut? Dying Fetus knife. Want to make hor’s d’oeuvres so your dinner party guests have something bite-sized to munch on while sipping wine and discussing Nietzsche? Dying Fetus knife. Need to throw something around while waiting in line for doors to open? Dying Fetus knife. Need to trim some nose hairs? Dying Fetus knife. Want to show the world that you’re the wrong one to fuck with? Dying fetus knife.

Of course, on another level, it’s a little off-putting that this is already sold out.

(Image VIA)

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  • HessianHunter

    IT IS I, THE WRONG TWELVE FUCK WITH >:(

    • it’s the wrong 1 2 fuck with

      • HessianHunter

        That is very clearly a 12 on the back of that basketball jersey, not “1-2”

        THEY GOOFED

  • tigeraid

    Gross.

    I mean the visual on the front is shocking and disturbing, but fitting with the music and “extreme metal.” I can dig it. But then the album name just invites people to think “this gentlemen wants to literally curb stomp me if I come at him, brother!”

    I didn’t know Dying Fetus was in the “angry brawler dudebro” segment? I must be out of it.

  • I never was 12 enjoy this band 2 begin with, personally.

    • So they are more number 2, then? As 1 might say?

      • GoatForest

        I for 1, think these products are number 2.

    • Early on they were the right 12 Fuck with, mostly they are wrong 12 Fuck with or listen to.

  • This man’s appendix is about to burst. Luckily I have my trusty Dying Fetus pocket knife.

  • Eliza

    Since I’m neutral on this band, I can only goggle at the awful looking merch on display here. It’s really awful. Especially that shirt.

  • Joaquin Stick

    Shit, Decibel wrote an article about Metal w/o Context. 365 is the man.

    http://decibelmagazine.com/blog/2017/6/2/the-ecstatic-joy-of-metal-without-context

  • PostBlackenedWhaleGaze

    That stitching on the jeans really does bother me more than it should.

  • Gerard Butler was the wrong 12 Fuck with in Rocknrolla
    https://i.ytimg.com/vi/dDVfuAyPum4/maxresdefault.jpg

  • ME GORAK™✓ᶜᵃᵛᵉᵐᵃⁿ

    DYING FETUS KNIFE WITH EXTRA EDGE!!!!!!!!

  • Paddlin’ Rites ov Beargod

    Wrong One Two Fuck Wyd, so they didn’t really mess that up. Not too bad anyways.

  • Fart Johnson

    the biggest surprise about the knife is that they didn’t make one sooner

    • Carry a knife, save your life!

    • GoatForest

      They should make a Burzum cutlery set.

  • AndySynn

    “WRONG TWELVE FUCK WITH!!!” became something of a drunken rallying cry for the NCS crew at MDF this year.

    And, yes, I am proud of that.

  • Megan Alexandra

    Cringey cringe cringe… That knife! Just do a bottle opener like everyone else if you’ve gotta get in line with branded accessories. Anytime you’re sitting down wondering how to bring together accessories and a tough guy image, that’s a good time to give your head a shake.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    Pretty dong feta

  • FrankWhiteKingOfNY

    “What did Justin Foley from Killswitch Engage do to deserve this?”

    Making shit music perhaps?

  • Decapitron

    Wrong 12 go drinking with, more like.

  • WRONG TWELVE FUCK WITH

  • Count_Breznak

    No broken bottle ? No Brassknuckles ? No bloody obvious Dildos (bloody, obvious ?) ?

    • GoatForest

      They should do a branded plan b pill…

  • xengineofdeathx

    I met John Gallagher at Summer Slaughter in 09, and he just asked me if I could help him carry some equipment. It was awkward as hell, because I tripped over some stuff, and neither one of us said a word the whole time. I don’t know why I decided to share that…

  • Lone Biker of the Apocalypse

    Haha…when I saw the merch pack for this album, and I saw that “Wrong 12 Fuck With” jersey, I immediately, (and I mean immediately) thought of 365 and a future shirt stains.

  • Morbidly Obese Angel

    Wrong 12 fuck with? It isn’t even clever and still has somehow gone over everybody’s heads

    • Lacertilian

      Yes, everyone else is missing it.
      But not you.
      You get things.

  • gacharicmeatspin

    A knife? What’s next? They gonna sell branded coat hangers as their merch?
    Love their tunes, tho.