Shirt Stains – Whitecrapel

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Making White Castle look tasteful since 2006.

Whitechapel are one of those bands that have managed to make a bit of a following despite me never running into one of their fans in real life. Similar to Job For A Cowboy, Whitechapel started off in a somewhat maligned subgenre before moving more towards death metal. Both bands have released albums recently that have received praise from traditional metal outlets and both still have trouble shedding the stigma of their previous sound. Sometimes a label persists despite changes in sound or content (See: Zao, Christian hardcore band), and sometimes a label persists because a band has bad merch that falls neatly in line with said label.

 

Whitechapel – Purple Yellow and Brown

whitechapelshirtstains

I don’t know what upsets me more: the strange design or the color scheme. Both are really, really, re-ha-ha-ha-eally bad. What exactly is going on in this picture? Is that Jay Leno-jawed monster thing finger-banging that Alien-faced thing’s brain? Is the Alien-faced thing enjoying it? Is the Jay Leno monster on fire? Is it related to Mr. Fantastic, hence the stretchy arm? Did the Alien-faced thing take a swig of some Steven Seagal’s Lighting Bolt energy drink and now spits lightning? I fear that these mind-boggling questions will never be answered. Unfortunately, that’s only half of the problem with this murder-scene tarp.

Who thought the combination of purple, brown, and yellow would look good on a shirt? Did the artist have the hots for a dirty Babs Bunny? It’s simply a bad combination and makes a bad shirt even worse. And why does the design go past the bottom stitching? Was it just that could that they couldn’t fit it in the designated area known at “the rest of the t-shirt”? Perhaps it was all an attempt to distract us from the hideous pants that the model is wearing. Now it makes slightly more sense.

 

Whitechapel – Now with Even Less Punctuation

whitechapelshirtstains

Let’s all read this out loud together. Deep breath. Ready? Go.

“We are nothing fuck  your lives Whitechapel you’re all worthless”.

That’s Shakespearean. Bashō could not have crafted something more poetic than this shirt. It’s as if the winds gently kissed the pristine ocean as a golden sun sank slowly into the darkening horizon. I’m actually fighting back tears. We can only guess what the wordsmiths in Whitechapel were thinking when they put pen to paper to ink to shirt. The giant block letters, the ALL CAPS, the lack of punctuation, the swear word that guarantees a lot of people won’t wear it in public, the band name that’s smaller than some of the other words. It’s a true work of art. This shirt should be hanging in the Louvre.

Whatever state of mind the band was in, we should all be grateful that they had the sense to put this national-anthem-in-the-making on a guaranteed money-making shirt.

 

Whitechapel – HUURRRRRRRUUUGGGHHHH… *spit* … *spit*

whitechapelshirtstains3
This design-cum-notebook doodle looks somewhat familiar. It’s one part Carcass‘ “Reek of Putrefaction” and one part The County Medical Examiner‘s “Olidous Operettas“. It has an ultra-detailed goriness that is both disgusting and confusing. Sure it’s gross, but we’re not 100% sure why. Whitechapel’s lyrics aren’t gory or gross, so that can’t be the inspiration Maybe they just like that one Cannibal Corpse album with that one song. You know the one, bro. The one where it’s all “urrrrrr gurrrrrr urrrrrr”. You should totally download it, dude. I’ll find a torrent.

It looks like a gross face with some stuff (tentacles? string cheese?) coming out of its nose and mouth. Why? I don’t know. Why is it outlined in neon green? Again, I don’t know. Why is the background the color of blueberry Icees? Yeah, I don’t know. Why does their logo look like mucous? I don’t know, yo. What the hell is coming out of it’s head? Seriously, stop asking. I. Don’t. Know. I have a feeling the band, artist, label, and printer didn’t know either.

 

Whitechapel – There’s Something Familiar About That Face…

whitechapelshirtstains4

Why are Whitechapel such a bunch of Negative Nancys and Angsty Andys? There’s no need to be a bunch of Grumpy Guses and Cursing Curtises on your shirts, guys. Don’t you want people to like you and buy your stuff? Buncha Mean Mandys over in Whitechapel town. To be fair, even if the back of the shirt didn’t feature an “Angry 15 year old on Xbox Live” quote, this shirt would still be inducted.

My drawing skills are minimal, but I still think I could probably sketch out something on a napkin comparable to the front of this shirt. Unlike the other shirts, the colors are good and the design is sound. People being burned by fire. We all get that, right? Then why do these people look so funny? The guy in the bottom corner looks like he’s sneezing, the guy above him looks like Bub from Day of the Dead (see my avatar for reference), and I’m not even sure what’s going on with the guy at the top. Is he a dying Highlander?

Hmmm. There’s something very familiar about the woman on the front. It’s as if I’ve seen her somewhere before. Wait. Could it be? Yes! It is! It’s the black metal vocalist from that KFC commercial!

blackmetalface

 

Whitechapel – Larry, Curly, and Whoa

whitechapelshirtstains5

We’ve already talked about the neon-colored band shirt trend before. Either this is an old shirt or it’s still a thing and that really depresses me. Everything about this is offensive to the eye and gives me a headache. That’s a shade of blue that no one anywhere ever should wear. Pilots use this shirt to warn them that they’re too close to buildings. Armies now fly this shirt to show that they surrender.

For whatever reason, this shirt has decapitated zombie Three Stooges. I mean, that’s clearly Moe and Curley. That’s not exactly the best Larry, but it’s close enough. No idea what’s going on with their eyes, though. I don’t think it’s a great leap to guess that anyone wearing this shirt has little to no knowledge of who The Three Stooges were. If the Stooges were reanimated, I doubt they’d be throwing up the horns or wearing tight V-necks, girl pants, and scene belts. They’d probably want to be with their families or eating some flesh. If they’re still hungry, point the Three Zombies in the direction of Whitechapel. Thanks.

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  • Akerskronks ov Steele

    Huh, I didn’t know KSOFM designed shirts for Whitechapel.

  • Too angry teen on Carlos Duty Modern Warfare t-shirts for my tastes 🙁

    • Dagon

      You just described a huge part of deathcore’s fan base

      • I can’t have all that non-sense rage in my system.

        They even have money to buy instruments and regular potable water!

        • Dagon

          They don’t pay 5 months of their work as taxes to a shitty government that gives nothing in return. Y u angry bro?

          • Hope those deathcore scene middle class p*ssys got lost in a South American country with all their cell phones and vans shoes to see what’s like being a tough guy, jum!

            >:)

          • Akerskronks ov Steele
          • Herr Schmitty

            I love this entire exchange. EVERY SINGLE PART OF IT. +1 Brazilian and Venezuelan Buddy Cop Comedy Movie.

          • Dagon

            Everything feels right for the movie – we got fat cop and thin cop, Link seems tall and I’m short. All the buddy cop tropes.
            THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL

          • I’m tall and clumsy and forgetful and lifelover 😛

          • And Dagon is a doctor. It’s a match made in heaven.

          • KSoFM can be the gruff commissioner with a heart of gold!

          • Dagon

            Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz will be the police informant.

          • Maik Beninton

            I will be that clumsy young policeman that everyone yell at.

          • “BRING US SOME HAMBURGUERS AND BEER, NOW!

            AND BEWARE IT DON’T FALL DOWN!

            Pffft, kids these days always in their computers don’t know how to take orders. In my days the military educations formed men and women with straight values and not were educated by a f*cking screen

            *spit*”

          • Guacamole Jim

            I WILL PROVIDE THE REFRESHMENTS

            FOR I AM THE REFRESHMENTS

          • you will have the same restaurant we go because it serves the best mexican food ever

          • Guacamole Jim

            Do you speak of…. *looks around* aTraco Bell?

          • that would be the bad latin rip-off jajajaja

          • Dagon

            All we need now is a middle-aged balding angry boss, who may or may not be involved in a corruption scandal/criminal masterplan.

          • I know who this is, but I will not tag :3

          • Dagon

            I’m curious jajajaja

          • Maik Beninton

            You just described me.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            I call dibs on the comedy relief.

          • VVayne Brady

            You can be the Farva character.

          • you can be a high goverment politician that tries to combat crime and hire us for the dirty work like beating criminals.

          • VVayne Brady

            I’d help you more, but my hands are tied.

          • you saw the poster, right, right?

          • Simon “Djentcrusher” Phoenix

            Of course I would be the hired gun/ constant obstacle that loves to crack jokes while mercilessly slaughtering people…oh wait.

          • Eddie Trunk Jr., Floor Tech

            Yay#

          • Lacertilian

            @thecultoftheblueoyster:disqus

          • OMG <3 This thread is awesome, I feel so honored

          • Dagon
          • “GODDAMN CRIPPLED!”

          • Stockhausen

            “Cries In Spanish” hahahahahaha.

  • Tyree

    Colors are fucking gross.

  • Pagliacci is Kvlt O)))

    “…the pooling excrement froze, causing a toxic poopsicle, as well as a traffic hazard.”

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/02/19/frozen-fecal-matter-closes-interstate-exit-ramp/23718553/

  • Dagon

    This was gold. You’re really on a bender these days, you’re keeping it 300 bro (not depicted: fun)

    I’m having a hard time trying to choose the worst t-shirt in this post.

    • me! me! let me choose for you!:

      the one with the “you’re all f*cking waste of life”, or something like that. The one with the Black Merol face.

      • Dagon

        somehow the neon one is the least offensive. That truly says something about the design masters behind these.

    • My vote goes for the neon one, by default.

  • Dagon

    Side note, Harold & Kumar has its place etched in my list of movies for which I say “I like this movie”.

    http://media.giphy.com/media/fORllYCakiUda/giphy.gif

  • The merch and people are awful but this song still go hard af
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PxrZtHEtEg

  • bro why you gotta be so negative about those sweet shirts bro?

    • Herr Schmitty

      Dudes at least deserve credit for that sweet photo where the one guy is getting ready to deliver a neck-breaking piledriver.

      But yeah, the shirts blow.

    • old_man_doom

      To be fair, some of their newer merch is classed up a bit. I almost considered getting a shirt with the saw design on it… almost.

  • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

    Man this merch is as bad as the music this band offers. That Neon is actually unoffensive compared to some others at display.

    • unoffensive but cringebuttz fo sho

      • Scrimm

        Lol cringebuttz

      • The God Emperor of Mankind

        Speaking of cringebuttz, I wonder if I even have one left, 10,000 years of crypto stasis is bound to provided more than a couch sore.

        • I think you can count the whole Golden Throne as your butt, at this point.

          • VVayne Brady

            This is your favorite? I liked it, but I thought Hellboy 1 was better.

          • yes, favorite of all superhero films! (and i definitely love Hellboy 1 also) but i feel in The Golden Army he went at it without any restraints; it perfectly embodies GDT’s style in every aspect.
            but also that final battle is simply a visual treat

          • yes, favorite of all superhero films! (and i definitely love Hellboy 1 also) but i feel in The Golden Army he went at it without any restraints; it perfectly embodies GDT’s style in every aspect.
            but also that final battle is simply a visual treat

          • VVayne Brady

            I can dig that. I have a weird soft spot for Watchmen.

          • VVayne Brady

            I can dig that. I have a weird soft spot for Watchmen.

          • i don’t, and i’ll tell you why: Watchmen is the only graphic novel i’ve read front-to-back, so i was quite excited to see the movie. and it turns out the movie IS the novel on the screen. now i know a lot of comic book bro’s like it when the material is done justice, but i wanted a few surprises. having said that, it is an incredibly well-made film…

          • VVayne Brady

            I actually appreciated how closely they stuck to the source material, although the change at the end from the weird squid monster to blaming Dr. Manhattan was a great choice for the film.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            As I said a couple of posts up, the whole thing with the squid bomb thingy would’ve been too much to try explaining in the short time the film had. It was enough of a headache to figure out just reading the novel.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Pretty much. They left out the part with the living alien time bomb, but that would’ve taken a whole other movie to explain. Definitely turned out better than the film version of ‘Neverwhere’, which was a fucking disaster any which way you cut it.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            My 2 favorite scenes from the comic/film:

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpLK2a6iEws

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            And it definitely has his trademark weirdness. Pacific rim was the first one I’ve ever seen of his where you couldn’t tell it was his film right off the bat.

          • Tyree

            Guillermo del Toro >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Guillermo Del Toro is a fucking genius. Pan’s Labyrinth is still in my top 10 after all these years. And saw Pacific Rim high and drunk as hell with several of my high and drunk as hell friends, lol.

          • Pacific Rim is stellar, I could write a paper on it and how misunderstood it is.
            Also, I’ve been known to pop a few “pizza toppings” and enjoy it in 3d!

        • old_man_doom

          FOR DA EMPRAH

  • FlapsJaps

    “Whitechapel’s lyrics aren’t gory or gross”

    What about these:

    “My scalpel gleams. My attention cast aside.
    Hardening arteries begging for an inimical thrust. Byproducts of digestion soak the floor.
    I’m searching for a hypodermic syringe to draw the waste.
    Flowing in your jugular.”

    -Whitechapel-Vicer Exciser

    • Stockhausen

      Their first album had really gory lyrics throughout, but they seem to have settled into a tough guy routine since then.

      • FlapsJaps

        Tough guy combined with faux political opinions to be edgy…

        • I can’t tell which is less desirable but don’t want to spend any time considering.

        • Stockhausen

          SO TUFF, SO RITE, MANY EDGE

        • if they want REAL political insights, they should consult zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • Welcome to the Toilet!!

      GL

  • Stockhausen

    I’ll be honest in saying that I really liked the first album. Lots of core crap in it, but it had a certain amount of raw anger to it that I dug, plus Phil’s voice is nuts. I would argue that they were left in the dust by JFAC and haven’t really transitioned to death metal much since then. Plus their lyrics have gotten beyond infantile, and I will NEVER forgive a band that uses the term “Deep South Heat” with a totally straight, WE R TUFF face.

    • I really wish Phil would start an OSDM side project or something. His voice can be pure fucking evil.

      • Tyree
        • “ima drink this beer and cut some f@gs!”

          • Tyree

            That is sadly accurate.

          • old_man_doom

            Sad is right, man. The dude needs some help.

      • Scrimm

        After listening to an aquaintence of ours saying “Fuck all those other shitty death metal singers,” and my favorite(and he said this like 50 times,”PHIL BOZEMAN, BRO,” I can’t listen to him without laughing.

        • PHIL BROZEMAN, BO.

          • Scrimm

            We say it all the time now actually.

        • VVayne Brady

          I must have missed that.

          • Scrimm

            I meant Aquaintance irl, sorry should have been clearer. That was face to face.

          • VVayne Brady

            Ah, gorcha.

          • Dagon

            Which must have only made it better.

          • Scrimm

            It really was and has become an inside joke in our little group. Guys a good guy, just a bit loud and misguided sometimes.

          • Dagon

            I love inside jokes.

          • Scrimm

            Me too. We have so many.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            I missed out on that one. What’s the story on that one?

          • Scrimm

            Just some friend of mine who was screaming about how awesome Phil Bozeman was one night while we were partying.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Who’s Phil Bozeman?

          • Scrimm

            Whitechapel vocalist

    • someone’s salty that OK is too far north to use that term

      • Stockhausen

        SHUT UP *sob*

    • VVayne Brady

      Even This Is Exile had some interesting moments like this.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNO-1rh_XmM

      • Stockhausen

        Yeah definitely, I got into that album a decent amount. I forgot all about that track.

      • Lacertilian

        Just spent a minute or two searching for what that album was called, could’ve just scrolled down.
        That album was the only one I have really listened to enough to judge them, but it had a couple of good parts. Around that time (uni) I was into The Red Chord & Animosity hard though, so Whitechapel were in the background for me.

    • I think the most recent album is much more death metal than the others but yea the lyrics are lolbuttz. This song is the first song I heard from them actually https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAjHBcnXFwU

      • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

        This is maybe the only song of theirs I like.

        • I really dig the opening riff.

          • Dagon’s Shocked Right Nipple

            Me three!

      • Stockhausen

        I dunno man, I personally hear more core influence than something that would be called just death metal. But they’ve definitely progressed in their own way a lot since their beginnings.
        Also, “Get out of my head. Someone save me from this madness, I’d rather be dead.” He gets my 8th grade self so much, man.

  • Stanley

    It would be interesting to know how many of each of these shirts was sold. I assume that the designers are creating these monstrosities because that’s what the kids want to buy. I’m most probably wrong though as I can’t imagine anyone having taste this bad.

    • Maik Beninton

      The kids would buy it but their moms wouldn’t let them

    • Dagon

      You have clearly never left the house if you can’t imagine people having taste this bad. It goes way deeper than this, son.

      • Stanley

        You’re right. I need to get out more, if only to see more shirts like these.

    • Scrimm

      Taste can get pretty bad. Remember, Nickelback has fans.

      • Tyree

        They are all around us.

        • Dagon

          Some of them even play guitar for Alice In Chains.

        • VVayne Brady

          Just look around you. Any one of those normies sitting by you could genuinely enjoy Nickelback.

          • Scrimm

            I’m scared. Someone hold me.

          • Tyree

            The IT guy at work here is into some cringe worthy shit. He knows I like metal so he’ll come up to me and say things like “Do you like Linkin Park?” “I got tickets to Mayhem Fest, I’m stoked to see FFDP” “Dude, I’m listening to Avenge 7 Fold. So heavy!”.

            I just take the punches.

          • I am proud of you.

            GL

          • Scrimm

            Dude I used to have to listen to Kidzbop 6 hours a day. So brutal.

          • Tyree

            You are a trve hero.

          • Scrimm

            There wasn’t much I wouldn’t do for my Kindergarteners.

          • Tyree

            That’s adorable. I just imagine The Tall man caring for infants and it makes me smile.

          • Scrimm

            Infants scare me. I only did k-8 schools. But yeah I looked quite a bit different from all the other employees there. The reaction I always got the first time I met parents was priceless.

          • Tyree

            That’s awesome! Hahaha

          • Scrimm

            I scared everybody at first, but I almost always won them over.

          • Tyree

            That’s awesome! Hahaha

          • i think all of our respective hearts just melted thinking of you teaching young kids

          • Scrimm

            Lol I did things around those kids that would ruin my metal credibility for life. I miss them so damn much 🙁

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Don’t feel bad. From what I’ve read, one of the guys from Immortal works as a babysitter.

          • Scrimm

            Nocturno Culto teaches little ones like I did as well. Also the guitarist of Asphyx/Hail of Bullets.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            And you’re not heavily medicated by now?!

          • Scrimm

            Oh I am.

          • VVayne Brady

            The other day I mentioned something about a metal blog to someone, and he was all, “Yah! I really like Devil Wears Prada and August Burns Red.” This is unfortunately a pretty common conversation in the groups I hang with. I just usually smile and nod.

          • I normally just tell people we cover ‘obscure music’. By that point, people stop asking questions and start backing away.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            Beats my old boss at ChainDLK describing the stuff they cover as ‘grey area music’.

          • I use to really be into August Burns Red Thrill Seeker album back when it came out. I do not think they over topped it!

            GL

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkgmVWnlezY

          • I like this album, but some of their newer stuff is much better than this. August Burns Red is one of the bands that got me into heavier stuff.

          • Sure, I mean I have all their albums – but I was much more infatuated with this one than any of there others. I guess Messengers was great too, but, I like the rawness of this one.

            GL

          • Sure, I mean I have all their albums – but I was much more infatuated with this one than any of there others. I guess Messengers was great too, but, I like the rawness of this one.

            GL

          • Scrimm

            I have to confess to liking a lot of their stuff too.

          • I like this album, but some of their newer stuff is much better than this. August Burns Red is one of the bands that got me into heavier stuff.

          • Tyree

            Yup. I know that feeling.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            It’s like when I was listening to huge amounts of industrial in high school, and people would always be like “Oh, like Marilyn Manson? Duuuuuuuuude!”. There’s not enough facepalms on earth for that sort of thing.

          • one of my co-workers knows i like metal. he said, “have you heard Asking Alexandria? that’s some heavy shit!” i shook my head at him. nice guy though, was going to see Slipknot and Lamb of God with him this summer, but i have to travel to Minnesota that week to meet @disqus_4E0xQtrX2p:disqus

          • Lacertilian

            You’re a better man than I, Tyree.
            A guy at work was telling me his mate was in a band that “is like the bands you listen to” and told me they were called Capture The Crown.
            Once he showed me a video of them, I had to set him straight.

          • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

            My friend/roomie loves them, but she rarely listens to them or music in general.

      • Maik Beninton
        • Scrimm

          I saw that. Horrifying.

        • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

          If he does survive that, he’ll be curled up in a back alley, covered in his own feces, and screaming at clouds and rats. Say goodbye to him, folks, he will be a living husk of what he once was!

  • I like whitechapel but goddamn are these awful

  • Never got into this band for obvious reasons. This awful attire seals the deal.

  • I really hate Whitechapel.

  • KimJongUn’s Dingleberry Smoke

    Lol, the last one looks like a failed idea for a Voodoo Glow Skulls album cover.