Shirt Stains: What’s All The Camo-tion?

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Camo no!

We’ve covered camo shirts in a previous edition of Shirt Stains. Everything said in that post still stands. You should go read it because it’s good and because I don’t want to have to rehash all of the main points again. I don’t get paid by the word here. Read, live, laugh, love. Hmmm, I think we’ve got a new slogan. Joe, fire up the shirt printer! Just make sure you don’t print them on camouflage designs.

Thy Art Is Murder – Take that, Children of God!

thyartstains

Thy Art Is Murder sure do love having shirts with GIANT BOLD WORDS IN ALL CAPS. It’s like they need to make the loudest point possible with their clothes. “HEY! HEY YOU! I HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS BUT NOT ENOUGH ROOM ON THIS SHIRT SO I’M JUST GOING TO SHOUT INSTEAD. ANGSTY TEENAGE TALKING! ACKNOWLEDGE ME! I AM IN YOUR FACE AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! Oh, by the way, can we get a ride to Orange Leaf while you go into Trader Joe’s? I want to try their new Brownie Batter flavor. Thanks, Mom.”

I have to believe Thy Art Is Murder chose camo because it’s considered a “tough” design. Personally, I think their message would have been better with a cute duckies and bunnies combination. Nice scythe, by the way. Is it harvest time already? If this shirt were any more in your face, it would be able to taste what you had for lunch. What’s the point of having a try-hard logo on a design originally meant to conceal? The only fear that their striking into people’s hearts is the fear of losing personal space. Back off, Logan. Give me some room, McKayla. Save the unchecked rage for Call Of Duty: Homophobic Slurs edition.

Kraanium – Nopeium

kraaniumcamostains

Kraanium are a Norwegian brutal death metal band with lyrical themes of gore, torture, fornication, sodomy, and rape. Y’know, brutal death metal just like grandma used to make when she was kidnapping hobos and putting them in her famous hobo stew. And no, I don’t know why they spell their name with ‘K’ or why there are two “a’s” either. Maybe they should have spent more time in skoool.

This shirt is for the band’s album Post Mortal Coital Fixation. If you can’t listen (or just don’t want to), their sound is the equivalent of someone taking an explosive Indian buffet-induced dump into a metal bucket in the middle of a completely empty room. Oh and Chris Barnes is also there and he’s reading some of his tweets out loud for some reason. The shirt perfectly matches the music as both are ugly, unpleasant, and not for public consumption. Nothing like using an impractical camo design with your crusty mustard yellow hard-to-read-logo. Good thing the album title is nice and legible. Wouldn’t want people to miss that stroke-induced word salad.

I don’t know what it says under that text, but it looks like “Slam Cash”. That sounds like a new form of terrible internet currency, right along with Bitcoin and Dogecoin. “Gimme 10 Slam Cashes for a can of Gronk Monster Energy Drink.” Yeah, that sounds about right.

1349 – 37 666 90210 867-5309

1349camo

1349camoback

Norway’s 1349 are a super spoopy black metal band that have been around since the late 90s. They are all about that evil and darkness. They also apparently have an aversion towards sleeves. I know a lot of metal fans wish that more bands had shirts in other colors, but they probably weren’t thinking of something like this. I feel like black metal bands should get a pass on the “I wish it came in another color” train. Black just works. It’s in their genre’s name after all, right? Whelp, 1349 went the extra mile for this shirt, and by that I mean they missed their exit, stopped abruptly on the shoulder, started backing up into oncoming traffic and then fell into a ditch.

Why camo? It just seems so random and out of place. Their logo on the front, while certainly not impossible to see, is a bit harder to read. The real problem comes from the back with what looks like the beginning of an annoying Facebook band bio. It doesn’t show up well on the camo design and the ultra Gothic font just makes it worse. The squiggly lines make up the band’s other logo. Or perhaps it’s supposed to be some sort of New Age weather vane, pointing in all directions. It’s like a dream catcher, but even more full of shit and way more dangerous if you hang it from a rear view mirror.

Rivers Of Nihil – Cam-Oh, snap!

riversofnihilcamohat

Pennsylvania’s Rivers of Nihil were a hot ticket band for a few moments back in 2015. Their album Monarchy was well received, and the band is currently on Metal Blade Records. Not too shabby, right? Well, not counting this hat of course. A trucker hat in 2016. Tsk, tsk, Rivers of Nihil. This isn’t 2005, and you’re not on Punk’d. Just replace the band name with “Von Dutch” and the puke automatically rises in my throat.

A camouflage hat with bright orange lettering? I thought Obituary already had that terrible idea locked down. I suppose it’s helpful just in case a hunter wears it out in the brush. The bright orange will prevent other hunters and former vice presidents from blasting them in the face. Credit goes to the band for using a more realistic print that would actually blend in with wooded surroundings. Credit is lost because it’s hideous and looks silly in any other situation.

I Declare War – I Declare That This Hoodie Sucks

ideclarecamo

The testicle lint of the metal world, I Declare War, have blessed us with an ugly hoodie that matches their ugly attitude towards women. Is that a sneezing hyena as their logo? A laughing chupacabra? A coughing wolf? Is that a half-assed version of a Nails shirt? It’s times like these that I wish camouflage did work just so I wouldn’t have to see things like this hoodie. Everything about it is bad.

This hoodie starts off every sentence with “I’m not racist, but…” This shirt brings a gallon jug of water wherever in goes. This hoodie thinks Julian Assange is a genius. This shirt has sex during an Attila set. This hoodie does a shitty job of ripping off Video Breakdowns. This hoodie tweets death threats to comedians it doesn’t like. This hoodie wants to make Mexico build a wall and have them pay for it. This hoodie gets blackout drunk, pisses itself, and then says, “Hey, someone broke into my apartment and peed all over my crotch while I was sleeping!” This hoodie says it’s going to order lunch for the entire office and then specifically orders only food it likes.

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  • Joaquin Stick

    That 1349 shirt is so good at being camouflage that you can’t even read the stuff printed on it. Blends in so well. Mission accomplished.

  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    This is much cringe.

  • Count_Breznak

    Kraanium sound great, I’ll check em out. Thanks for the tip !

  • Waynecro

    I’M AT LEVEL NINE PRESTIGE IN CALL OF DUTY: HOMOPHOBIC SLURS! COME AT ME, NANCY!

    • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

      WAHT UR LEVEL AT BANGING PEOPLES MOMS THOUGH/????

      • Waynecro

        NOT SO GOOD, BRO. I’M TOO KANTIAN TO USE ANOTHER PERSON AS AN OBJECT.

        • Tammyrmosby4

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sr365f:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !sr365f:
          ➽➽
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  • Señor Jefe El Rosa

    Only camo pants are real

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      • tigeraid

        Yeah, but, they’re military power metal. So it’s allowed.

        • Señor Jefe El Rosa

          I have absolutely no problem with it.

    • Eliza

      Pants, shirt, hat and face paint or go home.

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        HAIL!

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        Adorable.

        • I bet they go shopping together like that.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            If they don’t, they’re posers.

    • I just remembered about his nasty dreads.

      https://i.ytimg.com/vi/TStqSnR3vGE/0.jpg

      • Señor Jefe El Rosa

        How can you forget those things?

      • Eliza

        °_° Bewildering.

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        The nice thing about when artists totally crap out, is at least you have the back catalog to enjoy…………some dude was cranking this in the Hells Headbash parking lot, hahaha. My favorite track by them too….
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjom5ldAeS8

        • FUCK YES!

        • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

          MANY SICK RIFFS ON MORBID VISIONS!!!!!!! EVEN IF GUITAR SOUND LIKE SHIT!!!!!!

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            Being out of tune is the best part.

          • Sounding like shit is the best.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            If it sounds good, you’re doing it wrong.

          • -Teh Donald

          • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

            MAKE SEPATULA GREAT AGAIN!!!!!!

          • Um, I may or may not steal this line from you for something.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            That’s cool, you plagiarizing son of a bitch!

          • I steal from you a lot. I’m just going to keep doing it because I’m a garbage person. I mean you did come up with “Voidscape”.

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            I’m just FULL of amazing ideas. Ready for another one? GO FUCK YOURSELF! Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

          • BRO! GOOD ONE! HIGH FIVE!!! HAHAHAHA! *Runs a lap and throws up*

          • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

            BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

            & THE “LYRICS”!!!!

      • Saw him play a few months back. Still has some weird matted hair in the back.

      • Ayreonaut

        Jumpdafuckup

    • This is the only person in the planet I would say to:

      “GROWN UP, DUDE”.

    • Max seems like a nice guy and all, but he sure does look like a mess of a human.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        looks live average asheville citizen

    • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™

      WAS JUST WONDERING HOW SOULFLY MISS SHIRT STAIN CAMO!!!!!!!

  • Once a year I splurge on some camo gear for the fall season. It is always enjoyable going to pick out a new article. I do not see the appeal of camo for other clothing items though? Seems awful tacky. That is all.

    • Dave Vincent’s Perm

      I sometimes wear camo pants in summer because it’s either that or black jeans, and I don’t want to spontaneously combust.

  • 365ChaosRiddenDays

    And your camouflage will be perfect, smart T-shirt.

  • 1349 shirt is the worst.

    Camo shorts are the worst.

  • Abradolf Lincler

    i wear camo shorts and pants. not shirts or hoodies. and especially not hats.

    am i doing it wrong?

    caveat: i buy from military surplus

    • We have a Army shop in town that I get a lot of clothing from. The guy that runs it is really crazy.

      • Abradolf Lincler

        usually the tinfoil hat veteran type

        • Exactly. It’s best to stay on his good side.

          • Abradolf Lincler

            pffff only his rifle and his freezedried meats are on his good side

      • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

        You gotta a problem with me??

      • Waynecro

        Sometimes places like that have really cool illegal stuff like switchblades, butterfly knives, brass knuckles, and those awesome extendable metal batons.

        • Yup! I got some knives from him. I’ll have to remember to take a picture tonight for you.

          • Waynecro

            Kick ass, man. I like knives and weapons in general. I even know how to use some of them. I’ve found a lot of good stuff at military surplus stores over the years.

        • The only knife I think would be cool is one of those push button ones that open in the direction of the blade and then close too. Not sure the name… dont want to google it at work…

          • Waynecro

            I have a couple knives like that, but they’re not fully automatic for legal reasons. They’re “assisted open,” which means you barely move a switch forward manually and then a spring takes over and shoots the blade out the rest of the way. So bad ass.

          • Yeah yeah, that sounds right!

          • Waynecro

            This one is pretty swell.

    • Waynecro

      All my pants are military-surplus pants.

  • Sight Vnseen

    Camo are the worst shirts to print on. Sometimes the pattern shows up through the ink, and if your not careful curing them, you can burn the black blotches right out. Tie-dye sucks too.

  • ME GORAK™ GORAK SMASH™
  • RustyShackleford

    I have literally two camo shirts and one camo sweatshirt. Every time I wear them around my friends at least one of them will make the joke “woah, almost didn’t see you there!” lol THEY’RE NICE SHIRTS OK JEEZ. YEP.

  • King Shit of Fuck Mountain

    I have a few jackets and such I got from my dad, while he was DEFENDING THIS FUCKING COUNTRY!!

    • That is awesome, man.

    • Abradolf Lincler

      NEVER FORGET

    • Señor Jefe El Rosa

      I have those too

  • I guess Kraanium opted for the extra “a” instead of a “y” for fear of coming off as too nu metalish.

  • frozengoatsheadupanunsarse

    When I’m in a metal band we’ll put out shirts that are only sleeves!

  • Howard Dean

    Kraanium crush dicks. Seriously. Top tier slam. The urban camo shirt is pretty lame, though.

    • Scrimm

      Backed

    • Count_Breznak

      Indeed

  • The Tetrachord of Archytas

  • JWEG

    The K and two A’s remind me a bit of the Kraang Hivemind – the latest (and worst) revision of of “Krang” from the third TNNT T.V. series.

    http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/tmnt2012series/images/b/bb/Kraang11.png

    This is clearly the only true version:

    http://static.srcdn.com/slir/w1000-h500-q90-c1000:500/wp-content/uploads/Krang-Android-Body-TMNT.jpg

  • HessianHunter

    Camo clothing and bags are a big fad in the Minneapolis bike messenger scene and I haaaaaaaaaate it

    • Óðinn

      Just saw this. Made me laugh….

      Do you even lift bro

      https://s3.amazonaws.com/images.gearjunkie.com/uploads/2015/04/Trash-Bags-1.jpg

      • HessianHunter

        That’s my coworker! Haha, those bags are amazing and absurd outside of any context besides bike delivery.

        • Óðinn

          Haha! Small world.

        • Óðinn

          I actually don’t mind this bag. Probably wouldn’t buy it in camo though. Fits securely in a Wald 137 basket. I like the idea.

  • Janitor Jim Duggan

    365, is that Barry Windham’s camoflauged stalker gimmick in the header photo

    • Yes.

      • Janitor Jim Duggan

        I knew it. That was a poor gimmick. Same with Jim Neidhart as Who.

  • JWEG

    Also: these are terrible, but at least they’re not camo-pants-and-a-black-or-navy-blazer terrible:

    http://blog.trashness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Camo-Pants-jacket-calling-streetstyle-men.jpg

  • Óðinn

    Yeah, but those camo shirts sure come in handy when fighting a war in a forest of Metal band logos.

  • Tammyrmosby4

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !sr365f:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
    !sr365f:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash665DirectCleverGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!sr365f:….,…….