We’ve covered camo shirts in a previous edition of Shirt Stains. Everything said in that post still stands. You should go read it because it’s good and because I don’t want to have to rehash all of the main points again. I don’t get paid by the word here. Read, live, laugh, love. Hmmm, I think we’ve got a new slogan. Joe, fire up the shirt printer! Just make sure you don’t print them on camouflage designs.
Thy Art Is Murder – Take that, Children of God!
Thy Art Is Murder sure do love having shirts with GIANT BOLD WORDS IN ALL CAPS. It’s like they need to make the loudest point possible with their clothes. “HEY! HEY YOU! I HAVE LOTS OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS BUT NOT ENOUGH ROOM ON THIS SHIRT SO I’M JUST GOING TO SHOUT INSTEAD. ANGSTY TEENAGE TALKING! ACKNOWLEDGE ME! I AM IN YOUR FACE AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! Oh, by the way, can we get a ride to Orange Leaf while you go into Trader Joe’s? I want to try their new Brownie Batter flavor. Thanks, Mom.”
I have to believe Thy Art Is Murder chose camo because it’s considered a “tough” design. Personally, I think their message would have been better with a cute duckies and bunnies combination. Nice scythe, by the way. Is it harvest time already? If this shirt were any more in your face, it would be able to taste what you had for lunch. What’s the point of having a try-hard logo on a design originally meant to conceal? The only fear that their striking into people’s hearts is the fear of losing personal space. Back off, Logan. Give me some room, McKayla. Save the unchecked rage for Call Of Duty: Homophobic Slurs edition.
Kraanium – Nopeium
Kraanium are a Norwegian brutal death metal band with lyrical themes of gore, torture, fornication, sodomy, and rape. Y’know, brutal death metal just like grandma used to make when she was kidnapping hobos and putting them in her famous hobo stew. And no, I don’t know why they spell their name with ‘K’ or why there are two “a’s” either. Maybe they should have spent more time in skoool.
This shirt is for the band’s album Post Mortal Coital Fixation. If you can’t listen (or just don’t want to), their sound is the equivalent of someone taking an explosive Indian buffet-induced dump into a metal bucket in the middle of a completely empty room. Oh and Chris Barnes is also there and he’s reading some of his tweets out loud for some reason. The shirt perfectly matches the music as both are ugly, unpleasant, and not for public consumption. Nothing like using an impractical camo design with your crusty mustard yellow hard-to-read-logo. Good thing the album title is nice and legible. Wouldn’t want people to miss that stroke-induced word salad.
I don’t know what it says under that text, but it looks like “Slam Cash”. That sounds like a new form of terrible internet currency, right along with Bitcoin and Dogecoin. “Gimme 10 Slam Cashes for a can of Gronk Monster Energy Drink.” Yeah, that sounds about right.
1349 – 37 666 90210 867-5309
Norway’s 1349 are a super spoopy black metal band that have been around since the late 90s. They are all about that evil and darkness. They also apparently have an aversion towards sleeves. I know a lot of metal fans wish that more bands had shirts in other colors, but they probably weren’t thinking of something like this. I feel like black metal bands should get a pass on the “I wish it came in another color” train. Black just works. It’s in their genre’s name after all, right? Whelp, 1349 went the extra mile for this shirt, and by that I mean they missed their exit, stopped abruptly on the shoulder, started backing up into oncoming traffic and then fell into a ditch.
Why camo? It just seems so random and out of place. Their logo on the front, while certainly not impossible to see, is a bit harder to read. The real problem comes from the back with what looks like the beginning of an annoying Facebook band bio. It doesn’t show up well on the camo design and the ultra Gothic font just makes it worse. The squiggly lines make up the band’s other logo. Or perhaps it’s supposed to be some sort of New Age weather vane, pointing in all directions. It’s like a dream catcher, but even more full of shit and way more dangerous if you hang it from a rear view mirror.
Rivers Of Nihil – Cam-Oh, snap!
Pennsylvania’s Rivers of Nihil were a hot ticket band for a few moments back in 2015. Their album Monarchy was well received, and the band is currently on Metal Blade Records. Not too shabby, right? Well, not counting this hat of course. A trucker hat in 2016. Tsk, tsk, Rivers of Nihil. This isn’t 2005, and you’re not on Punk’d. Just replace the band name with “Von Dutch” and the puke automatically rises in my throat.
A camouflage hat with bright orange lettering? I thought Obituary already had that terrible idea locked down. I suppose it’s helpful just in case a hunter wears it out in the brush. The bright orange will prevent other hunters and former vice presidents from blasting them in the face. Credit goes to the band for using a more realistic print that would actually blend in with wooded surroundings. Credit is lost because it’s hideous and looks silly in any other situation.
I Declare War – I Declare That This Hoodie Sucks
The testicle lint of the metal world, I Declare War, have blessed us with an ugly hoodie that matches their ugly attitude towards women. Is that a sneezing hyena as their logo? A laughing chupacabra? A coughing wolf? Is that a half-assed version of a Nails shirt? It’s times like these that I wish camouflage did work just so I wouldn’t have to see things like this hoodie. Everything about it is bad.
This hoodie starts off every sentence with “I’m not racist, but…” This shirt brings a gallon jug of water wherever in goes. This hoodie thinks Julian Assange is a genius. This shirt has sex during an Attila set. This hoodie does a shitty job of ripping off Video Breakdowns. This hoodie tweets death threats to comedians it doesn’t like. This hoodie wants to make Mexico build a wall and have them pay for it. This hoodie gets blackout drunk, pisses itself, and then says, “Hey, someone broke into my apartment and peed all over my crotch while I was sleeping!” This hoodie says it’s going to order lunch for the entire office and then specifically orders only food it likes.