Give ’em the W.
All of today’s shirts comes from bands that have a prominent “W” in their name. A weird thing to focus on? Sure. Was it my original intention to focus on such a random thing? No, but like O.G. Bob Ross used to say “We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy accidents.” Make sure to use that line right before firing an underling for royally screwing up. Use their tears for your next landscape painting.
Winds of Plague (or Winds of Pla-goo as I sometimes like to say) are a… deathcore band? A metalcore band? They have the chuggity-chugs, melodic synths, and some breakdowns, but the vocals are gurgly wurgly. They have a female keyboardist and hail from California, so I’ll just describe them as “Bleeding Throughcore.” Judging by this shirt, I don’t think Winds of Plague know what they are either.
Let’s break down what we see on this shirt (besides the wrinkles and mysterious stains). This shirt has brass knuckles, twelve dollar signs, two of which are green, some sort of flowery business and two baying… wolves? Dingoes? Doggies? Aw, I’ll bet they’re nice doggies that just want to go to the park and play fetch. You get the stick, you get the stick! Gimme! Gimme! Oh, ok, you win! Sorry, I’m just trying to distract myself from this smorgasbord of suck. They just couldn’t leave well enough alone.
Even the their name has more junk inside of it than Lisa Ann. Are those supposed to be X’s? The Hebrew letter shin? Despite all of these things on this shirt, I’m still disappointed. No flaming skull with pot leaves for eyes and a knife in its mouth with “getcha pull” written on it? Way to slack, Pla-goo. Pla-go to your room and think about what you’ve done.
Once again, we have a Mago de Oz shirt, complete with an orgy of brightly colored illustrations and… oh, wait. My bad. This is a Wednesday 13 shirt. You remember Mr. 13 right? Or should I call him Wednesday because his dad is “Mr. 13”? Either way, Wednesday 13 is the frontman for Murderdolls. He’s also in his own self-titled band Wednesday 13. And in Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13. And Maniac Spider Trash. And Bourbon Crow. And Gunfire 76. Jeez, Wednesday, have you ever considered that it’s not them, it’s you? The frantic nature of creating so many bands and cranking out over 20 albums does give this shirt some perspective, though.
Did I say perspective? I meant pukespective. What, that’s not a word? It is now thanks to this shirt. What exactly is going on? Zombie orgy? Is it a Zombiekake and Wednesday 13 is the star? Why does he have a megaphone? Why does he have a top hat? Doesn’t he know that top hats are instant death for bands? Is that a zombie’s hand coming for us or is it Wednesday 13’s? Does he want us to join the Zombiekake? I hope not. Not interested, turn off notifications, block, delete, throw computer into an active volcano, and throw dynamite into said volcano. It’s the only way to be safe.
Whitechapel are no strangers to Shirt Stains. They had an entire post dedicated to their questionable shirt designs. Now we have a Whitechapel hoodie. The front actually looks nice. It has their buzzsaw star symbol that looks like the a brutal Lucky Charms marshmallow. It’s right over the heart too. Aww, isn’t that sweet? That’s it for the front, though. We can see the band’s name on the sleeve, but why not on the front? Why not switch the logo and the name? Looking straight ahead at this hoodie doesn’t really advertise the band. It’s mostly logo and tummy-centric. Let’s take a peak at the back.
Holy Tums Chewy Delights! It’s like a warhawk’s wet dream. The line “one nation under hypocrisy” comes from the band’s song “Faces.” The disproportionate melty/stretchy soldier looks like he’s from the Vietnam War-era, but I don’t think that’s what the song is about. I initially thought that it was the American flag behind him, but the blue area doesn’t seem to have any stars, so I’m not really sure. Why is that one white part going in front of him? I’m not sure, but I now hate bomb pops. Why do his arms and hand look like Mr. Fantastic on a bunch of somas? Either way, both Whitechapel’s logo and lyrics hold more prominence on this hoodie than their actual name. That might have been intentional.
It’s not just the young “W” bands putting out the shit shirts. This one is for all the grandpas and grandmas at ToH. We love you and promise to visit soon. I said “WE LOVE YOU AND PROMISE TO VISIT SOON!” We also promise not to give you this W.A.S.P shirt for your birthday. That would count as elder abuse, and that type of crime doesn’t play well in prison. We’d have to pass McNulty around as currency just to survive. He’s worth at least 2 Hostess fruit pies and a mini tube of toothpaste.
Anyway, this shirt is like a dad-joke gone wrong. It feels unfinished, but I in no way want to see what else the artist is capable of creating. It looks like a commemorative plate that should be on someone’s shelf, right next to their Pope John Paul collector mugs and antique Coke cans. The errant skull and bone floating in a pile of chili is a nice touch. Really draws the mind away from the screaming abyss. Blackie looks like he’s about to sneeze while slowly turning into Rogue from X-Men.
I don’t know much about W.A.S.P so I can’t name the other members, but the guy on the left looks like he’s saying “Eh, it’s a living” like he’s a pelican trash compactor from The Flintstones. Chris Holmes (maybe?) is pretty psyched or, well, y’know. The guy in the back in doing the Magnum look. All of this on a lovely white t-shirt. I know metalheads want shirts in colors other than black, but this isn’t one of those times. Whatever helps hide the shame of this shirt is highly encouraged.
This anti-incest PSA brought to you by The Word Alive.