Shirt Stains – Varsity Dudes

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HaydenXHavok will look totes sweet wearing these when he takes Gennacide out to Selfie Point.

Did you know varsity jackets are now a thing in the music world? Sure, they’ve been around since the dawn of high school where your status in the world is dependent on how well you can throw a football or how well you can throw nerds into lockers. I’m not exactly sure why there’s been an influx of band varsity jackets. Hasn’t there always been some sort of anti-jock ethos among the musically-inclined?

That’s not to say fans of heavy music aren’t into sports or play them. Heck, I used to play hockey, baseball, soccer, and was an amateur boxer, but I never felt the need to wear a letterman’s jacket with my favorite band on it. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone wear a band jacket like these. Maybe they don’t really exist and this is all some sort of crazy mind control dream to get us talking about band jackets, thus causing a huge demand, and helping the Lizard People gain monetary dominance during a global recession. Damn, I think I just Inception’d myself, which is impressive since I’ve never seen the movie.

Black Veil Brides – Freshmen

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Why do I find myself talking about Black Veil Brides again? It’s like I’m cursed or something, forced to wander this earth talking about bands I don’t give 1/16th of a shit about. Who’s grave did I step on while walking underneath a ladder and smashing a mirror with a salt-covered black cat?

I find it pretty funny that Black Veil Brides released a Letterman’s jacket considering that these guys look like they get winded playing Madden ’15. I don’t think it’s a big leap to guess that the band’s core audience doesn’t care for sports. Maybe it’s the heavy makeup, or copious amounts of hair care products, or the pouting selfies. Perhaps I have it all backwards and they all have a game of flag football before every BVB show. “Tammy Terror sets up in the shotgun. Sets up in the pocket. Throws a deep bomb to XjackskellingtonX. Touchdoooowwwwnnn!”

Speaking of looks, take a gander at that poodled-headed skull splashed on the back of this thing. That skull is so fucking psyched to be on this jacket. All that’s missing is a word bubble saying “Cheese!”. His smile says yes, but his eyes which are still in his skull for some reason say “Kill me. Please kill me. Or at least give me a decent haircut!”

Upon A Burning Body – Sophomores

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You may remember Upon A Burning Body as the band whose stupid publicity stunt that embarrassed themselves and their label guaranteed that I will never listen to them. Apparently, they decided to keep embarassing themselves as evidenced by this “Members Only” jacket. Whoever wears this must be the last member. Or perhaps it’s not a very exclusive club. Either one works. Good job selling something to kids who weren’t even alive when Members Only jackets were popular. I’m sure their parents will appreciate the joke before trying to find their kid’s stash in the sock drawer.

The band’s name is one of the smaller things on the back, almost as if they forgot to include it and had to quickly add it in at the end. Obviously, it’s more important to get the crowd picture and the multi-fonted “Welcome To The Family” banner in. Also San Antonio. And that little blob of a symbol at the bottom. Hmmm, what band is this advertising again?

Pierce The Veil – Juniors

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Ah, finally a splash of color. I hope you like red and sleeves that look like they were cut off of an old Champion sweatshirt. I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard a Pierce the Veil song. If I have, I’ve blocked it out like a traumatic event. Looking at this jacket, I’d like to personally thank my brain for protecting me.

This lovely little number took a look at Avenged Sevenfold’s mediocre death bat symbol and said “Nah, we can make that look waaaaaay stupider. Give me 15 minutes, a sleeve of Fig Newtons and a swig of Nyquil.” That bat face is clearly wacked-out on cherry Kool-Aid and Special K. The cereal or the drug, whichever you prefer.

The little X’s instead of dots over the “I’s” are just adorable. What font are they using? Angsty Middle Schooler? Comic Blands? Times New Vomit? They probably would’ve been better off using Wingdongs. And no, that’s not a typo.

Asking Alexandria – Seniors

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That joke I made about frequently writing about Black Veil Brides? Yeah, that should really belong to Asking Alexandria. This isn’t the first time they have been inducted into Shirt Stains. Or the second. And I can guarantee it won’t be the last. It’s like they’re actively trying to constantly show up on Toilet Ov Hell. Congratulations guys. When we build the Shirt Stains Hall Of Fame, you’ll have an entire wing dedicated to you.

While Pierce The Veil’s shirt added a touch of color, Asking Alexandria decided to molest an entire box of Crayola crayons in order to make their jacket. Props to AA for actively making their fans look like the bastard children of Grimace and Birdie from McDonald’s. It’s good that they added the super tough-looking skull and lightning. Wouldn’t want people to think you’re S-A-W-F-T wearing something the color of the mints in your grandma’s candy dish.

Stick To Your Guns – Super Seniors

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Finally, we come to a jacket for the band “This Life Is My Diamond Stick To STYG Your G*U*N*S Orange County. Hardcore.” Wait, that’s not their name? Right, I mean the band “This Is My Life And This Life Is My Diamond.” Shit, that’s not their name either? In my defense, it’s kind of hard to tell since there are so many fucking words all over this stupid fucking jacket for the love of fucking fuck!

This Stick To Your Guns jacket has 30 words on it and that’s not even counting the multiple diamonds and those little circle things next to the diamonds. Some children’s books don’t have that many words. Advertisements for jewelers don’t have that many diamonds.

For whatever reason, the band decided to fill up their jacket with the same lyrics over and over again. I suppose they’re really proud of it. Either that or they just couldn’t think of anything else. It’s not exactly Dylan-esque poetry so it’s hard to tell. I will say that I’m disappointed that the band didn’t fill up every single available space on the jacket. I still see plenty of black on the front and the bottom of the back. Plus, they left the sleeves completely blank. If you’re going to cover up your merch, cover it up all the way.

With these jackets you can totally be the Big Man and Big Woman on Campus. You’ll be a regular Johnny and Janie Quarterback. Impress your dates. Talk about how your parents don’t “get” you. Hang outside a convenience store because you can’t drive yet and it’s the only thing within walking distance. Be unable to properly throw a ball.

(Photo VIA)

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