Shirt Stains: Upon An Embarrassed Body


And you thought those tuxedo-print shirts were bad.


You remember Upon A Burning Body, right? Sure you do. How could anyone forget the 4th-wave deathcore band with a ridiculous name and regrettable throat tattoos and giant, floppy ear plugs? What’s that, you say? I just described at least 50 other bands and need to be more specific? Ugh, fine.

You may remember UABB from their previous appearances (and future appearances while we’re at it) in Shirt Stains. You may remember UABB for their ill-conceived stunt saying their vocalist was kidnapped. You may remember UABB from when Gwar‘s former vocalist Vulvatron beat up their vocalist Danny Leal. You may remember UABB from being the second-most embarrassing thing Ice-T has been involved with in the past 25 years. If none of that rings a bell, at least you have this shirt to reference from now on.

This shirt is equal parts lazy and ugly. It’s like everyone just ate a whole bunch of Sonic and reasoned that the bathroom is too far away and they were probably going to eventually shit their pants at some point in their life so it might as well be now. The suspenders are just so incredibly stupid that they should get into a Twitter fight with Kanye West. I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that they don’t go all the way to the bottom of the shirt. Did the designer assume that fans would tuck these shirts in to help complete the look? This shirt would even fit inside their size Smedium pants. Impressively, the fake suspenders cover up literally the only other thing on the shirt, the band name. I know it has a silly drooping V-neck, but it’s not like they were pressed for real estate.

Perhaps it’s all blessing, though. Most people won’t even know this is an Upon A Burning Body shirt because it doesn’t say the actual name. It’s just abbreviated to UABB. That could stand for anything. United Armenian Big Boys. Undisputed Ass and Big Boobies. Ugly Alec Baldwin Balls. The best advertising is when people have no idea what you’re selling. Mission Accomplished, fellas.

UABB is the sound you make when someone walks in on you watching porn and you accidentally close the laptop on your junk. UABB is the sound a hungover sloth makes after a night binging on Victoria Bitter and Vegemite smoothies. UABB is the sound Donald Trump makes when he prematurely ejaculates onto the America flag while looking at himself in the mirror. UABB is the sound KK Warslut makes when he can’t reach the can of Metamucil on the second shelf of his pantry.

(Image VIA)

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  • Lacertilian

    Now I know what happened when I see this on the way to work each Monday.

    • Dagon

      Unfavorable situation = anywhere


      Death the only way out

  • Scrimm

    Hahahahahaha first I’ve heard of the Gwar situation. Fuck v necks

  • Howard Dean
    • Dubbbz

      Before now, I had never seen someone pull off the tuck.

    • Practically speaking, having your shirt all flopping out in the wind and such would surely mess up your dope artwork (paintings). Dude is rocking it.

    • He does not look at all like I imagined he would.

    • CyberneticOrganism

      Ha ha ha ha lololol

    • Dagon

      I wish I could rock tucked in t-shirts like a boss but I’m not capable.

      I wanted to be a hesher but I’m just too nerdy-looking.

      • tertius_decimus

        Hesher is nerdy-looking.

    • This dude is so cool and down to earth. You can comment on any of his paintings on Facebook and he’ll just be like “Thanks, man!” I made one of his paintings my cover photo and gave him credit by tagging his page and he liked the photo.

      • Lacertilian

        Thanks, Ann.

        • I’m always here to inject a completely useless factoid from my life, Laccie.

          • Lacertilian

            I just wanted to feel cool like Paolo.
            It didn’t work, and I still can’t draw or pull off a hard tuck.

  • Alec Baldwin Balls abbreviated is ABB.
    Always Be Blastin is abbreviated ABB.


  • Dubbbz

    Can someone explain to me why mall ninjas co-opted suspenders?

    • Had to look up mall ninja. Was not disappointed.

    • I had to buy suspenders for a halloween costume a few years back. My first thought was “Hot Topic”. Sure enough, I found what I needed there.

      • Dagon

        I’m getting orange suspenders for halloween and next year’s carnaval.

        I’m going as Sean Connery on Zardoz.

        • atchdav


      • CyberneticOrganism

        Please tell me they had Jack Skellington on them

        • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

          Or pictures of Tay Tay.

    • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

      Maybe they want to look like Larry King?

    • Count_Breznak

      Those aren’t suspenders, can’t you see the USB plugs ?

  • If someone’s only exposure to metal was deathcore and they remarked that it all sounds the same, I’d have to agree with them.

  • TrundleTheGreat

    Deathcore/metalcore shirts are always the most tasteless. I have a friend who collected Asking Alexandria shirts a few years ago because they were his favorite bands. Always cringe-inducing whenever I saw him.


      • TrundleTheGreat

        Aside from his love for a shirt featuring Santa getting a blowjob with the text “ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES” he’s a good guy. Stopped wearing all those shirts and wears Hawaiian shirts with sweatpants or basketball shorts, which I think is a little less embarrassing.

        • CyberneticOrganism

          More of a lateral move

          • TrundleTheGreat

            He still puts on their music from time to time, which to me is the real issue.

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

    “UABB?……….. Hey! What the fuck, does that shirt say ‘U A BaBy’?!?! You just call me a baby, bro?!?!?” (guy who wears the shirt promptly gets his ass beat by a fellow Bdubs bro high on Muscle Milk and Four Loko)

  • tertius_decimus

    > Ugly Alec Baldwin Balls.

    Ugh. Your imagination sometimes can be cringeworthy.

    • Whatever pictures pop into your head are your own fault.

      • tertius_decimus


  • Eliza

    This shirt is really lazy and unappealing, but tuxedo print shirts are far worse.

    • Dubbbz

      But with a tuxedo shirt you can be both formal and casual. It’s the coveted Hawaiian shirt factor.

      • Eliza

        I just don’t like this kind of shirts. Hawaiian shirts however are very cool.


        • Dubbbz

          This shirt says I drink boxed wine AND listen to Uncle Kracker.

          • MTV’s Trve Life: My Uncle is Actually Uncle Kracker, Do I Call Him Uncle Uncle Kracker? Also, Why Does He Krack Uncles?

          • The unfortunate pretense to this show existing would be that someone would have to have the intestinal fortitude to have a child with a relative of Uncle Kracker.

          • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

            There are exceptions to that, when a Hawaiian shirt says manly, talented, role model, sophisticated and international sex symbol………….

  • Incontinent Gorilla Rodeo

    Under Alec Baldwin’s Breasts
    Under Amanda Byne’s Butthole
    Underwear Agitating Blast Beats
    Untying Antonio Banderas’ Ballsack
    Until Alison Brie Barfs
    Unidentified Anthony Bourdain Boogers

  • Kyle Reese

    Setting the bar extremely low for my low budget wannabe band!