Shirt Stains: Upon An Embarrassed Body
And you thought those tuxedo-print shirts were bad.
You remember Upon A Burning Body, right? Sure you do. How could anyone forget the 4th-wave deathcore band with a ridiculous name and regrettable throat tattoos and giant, floppy ear plugs? What’s that, you say? I just described at least 50 other bands and need to be more specific? Ugh, fine.
You may remember UABB from their previous appearances (and future appearances while we’re at it) in Shirt Stains. You may remember UABB for their ill-conceived stunt saying their vocalist was kidnapped. You may remember UABB from when Gwar‘s former vocalist Vulvatron beat up their vocalist Danny Leal. You may remember UABB from being the second-most embarrassing thing Ice-T has been involved with in the past 25 years. If none of that rings a bell, at least you have this shirt to reference from now on.
This shirt is equal parts lazy and ugly. It’s like everyone just ate a whole bunch of Sonic and reasoned that the bathroom is too far away and they were probably going to eventually shit their pants at some point in their life so it might as well be now. The suspenders are just so incredibly stupid that they should get into a Twitter fight with Kanye West. I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that they don’t go all the way to the bottom of the shirt. Did the designer assume that fans would tuck these shirts in to help complete the look? This shirt would even fit inside their size Smedium pants. Impressively, the fake suspenders cover up literally the only other thing on the shirt, the band name. I know it has a silly drooping V-neck, but it’s not like they were pressed for real estate.
Perhaps it’s all blessing, though. Most people won’t even know this is an Upon A Burning Body shirt because it doesn’t say the actual name. It’s just abbreviated to UABB. That could stand for anything. United Armenian Big Boys. Undisputed Ass and Big Boobies. Ugly Alec Baldwin Balls. The best advertising is when people have no idea what you’re selling. Mission Accomplished, fellas.
UABB is the sound you make when someone walks in on you watching porn and you accidentally close the laptop on your junk. UABB is the sound a hungover sloth makes after a night binging on Victoria Bitter and Vegemite smoothies. UABB is the sound Donald Trump makes when he prematurely ejaculates onto the America flag while looking at himself in the mirror. UABB is the sound KK Warslut makes when he can’t reach the can of Metamucil on the second shelf of his pantry.